疯狂店员3（2022）

I don’t know.
你那么熟悉那些东西
You know so much about all that stuff.
我一直想说你可以拍一部很酷的电影
I always thought you could have made a cool movie.
天呐
Holy shit.
你说的对
You’re right.
我可以拍一部很酷的电影
I could make a pretty cool movie.
我这一辈子都在看电影
I’ve been watching movies all my life,
看那些人说他们的故事
I’ve seen all these people tell their stories
却从来没想过我也可以说自己的故事
and never once thought about trying to tell mine.
去他妈的 兄弟
Well, fuck that, man.
今晚我差点就要死了
Since I almost died tonight,
这是捡回了一条命
now I know I’m living on borrowed time.
我不想再看电影了
So, no more watching movies
因为等我出院以后
because when I get out of here…
我要拍自己的电影！
I’m gonna make a movie!
电影？
A movie?
不用去上个电影学院什么的吗？
Don’t you have to go to film school or something?
纽约电影学院的学费每年要七万五美元左右
It’s like 75 G’s a year to go to NYU Film School.
知道这些孩子付那么多钱去那里干嘛吗？
And you know what those kids pay all that money for?
不知道 -去看电影
I don’t know. – To watch movies.
我在电影出租店工作了20年
I worked in a video store for 20 years
在那里我也是整天坐着看电影
where I sat around and watched movies all day, too.
所以基本上我也算是上过电影学院了
So basically, I went to my own film school.
你是看过了所有的电影
Just because you’ve seen every movie ever made,
但那又不代表你可以拍任何类型的电影
doesn’t mean you can make any kind of movie at all.
这句话你去跟昆汀塔伦提诺说
Tell that to Quentin Tarantino.
你该不会是想当昆汀塔伦提诺吧？
Oh, now you’re Quentin Tarantino?
我没说我可以把电影拍得跟他一样好
I’m not saying I’m gonna make a movie as good as him,
但我也不擅长炒饭
but I’m not good at sex either,
还不是努力找机会滚床单？
and that doesn’t stop me from trying to get laid.
我向你保证 他还活着！
你想在这里拍一部电影？
You wanna shoot a movie here,
在小歇便利店？
at the QuickStop?
对啊 我看过便利商店出现在电影里
Yeah, I’ve seen convenience stores in flicks before,
就是没看过把整间便利商店
but I’ve never seen an entire flick
当成片场的电影
set in a convenience store.
那种东西谁想看啊？
Because who would wanna watch that?
这就是我的人生 连我自己我没兴趣了
I mean, it’s my life and I barely wanna live it.
这部电影是为了纪念我的人生
This movie’s meant to memorialize my life.
我有30年的人生
And since I spent the last
都花在这里的工作上…
30 years of my life working here…
工作？
Oh. Working?
我有很多便利故事
I got plenty of convenience stories
可以写进剧本里
to put into a screenplay.
《便利故事》这个标题不错
Convenience Stories. Good title.
你指的是哪种
Well, what kind of convenience stories
“便利故事”？
are we talking about here?
还记得我们去参加茱莉黛儿丧礼那时候
Remember the time we went to
你把棺材弄翻了的事吗？
Julie Dwyer’s funeral and you knocked the casket over?
棺材是你弄翻的
You knocked the casket over.
是我吗？
I did?
那是个不错的桥段
Well, that’s a scene now.
还有那次有个老人在厕所里打手♥枪♥
Or how about the time the old guy was jerking off
然后滑倒摔死的事吗？
in the bathroom and dropped dead?
那也绝对是个桥段
That’s totally a scene, man.
我跟你待在这个柜台打屁
I mean, all the shit you and I have said
说过的那些话
sitting at this counter,
全都是桥段啊 兄弟
these are all scenes now, man.
那你把店给烧了的那次呢？
How about the time you burned the store down?
那也是个桥段吗？
Is that gonna be a scene?
我还是相信那是恐♥怖♥分♥子♥干的
I’m still pretty sure terrorists did that.
嗯
Uh-huh.
嘿！
Hey, hey!
克鲁小丑圆领T恤
Motley Crewneck.
你们基♥督♥教加密具乐部里面有没有人
Anyone in your Christian Crypto Club
有未加密的摄影机可以借我们用用？
got a non-crypto camera we can borrow?
现在叫血色加密具乐部了
It’s called the Crimson Crypto Club now.
我们打算先拿加密风筝开刀
Our first drops gonna be all crypto kites.
别跟我来这套 伊隆马斯麝鼠
Oh, put that shit away, Elon Muskrat.
你们要摄影机干嘛？
What do you guys need a camera for?
蓝道想拍部电影
Mmm. Randal wants to make a movie.
爱情动作片之类的吗？
Ooh, like a pornography movie?
不是 是货真价实的电影
No, like a movie-movie,
有演员跟剧本的那种
one with actors and a screenplay
还有茶水区
and Crafty.
茶水区是什么？
What’s Crafty?
就是所有的工作人员聚在一起
That’s where the, uh, crew hangs out
练习施展巫术的地方
and practices witchcraft,
你这个魔鬼的小信徒
you little devil worshipper.
酷
Cool.
茶水区是片场供应食物的地方
Crafty is where you find all the food on set.
如果影片在这里拍摄的话
But if you’re shooting in here,
那整间商店都算是茶水区了
I guess the whole store’s Crafty.
会是怎样的电影？
What’s the movie gonna be about?
大概一个半小时就好
Mmm, it’s gonna be about an hour and a half.
我不喜欢太长的电影
I hate long movies.
是关于他在这里的工作
It’s about him working here. – Wow.
屌♥ 没看过把整间便利商店
Meta. Never seen a whole movie
当成片场的电影
set in a convenience store before.
对吧？谢了
Right? Thank you.
我打算用我
I’m gonna fill the script with all the weird shit
和但丁多年来
me and Dante have ever said
在这里看到和说过的鬼话
or seen around here
写成剧本
over the years. Oh.
你可以把你之前说的那个
You should put in that stuff you used to say
关于死星承包商的故事写进去
about the Death Star contractors.
然后被迪士尼公♥司♥告到死吗？才不干
Get sued by Disney? Fuck that.
再说了 我不希望这部电影
Besides, I don’t want this movie to be about
跟其他电影沾上边 我希望它是以我为主
other movies. I want it to be about me.
这是我的电影 我要写的是
It’s my flick, so I wanna write about
我会做的事
the things that I do.
像是…像是我们在屋顶玩曲棍球
Like, um, like how we play hockey on the rooftop.
我没在电影或电视里面看过这种事
I’ve never seen that done in a movie or a TV show,
更别说这样根本超方便
even though it’s just fucking practical.
还记得那次吵架
Remember that fight
我拿面包砸到你脸上吗？
where I hit you in the face with the bread?
那可以当作一个桥段
Ooh, that could be a scene.
还有我对个老人吐水那次
Or the time I spit water on that old guy?
那可以当作开场了
That’s, like, the fucking opening scene.
我有个主意
Ooh, I got an idea.
杰跟沉默鲍勃也可以出演
Maybe Jay and Silent Bob could be characters.
这是我听过最烂的主意了
That is the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard.
要是你想
Well, you’re still gonna have
在你的旧电影出租店里拍几个场景
to get them involved if you wanna set
就必须让他们参一脚
any of the scenes in your old video store.
好吧 你来看店
All right. Watch the register, dawg.
我们去找华纳兄弟谈谈
We got to go talk to the Warner Brothers.
如欲顺手牵羊 就吃我老二！谢谢
什么鬼 兄弟？我们听说你死了
What the fuck, man? We heard you died.
就差那么一点
Almost. What happened
那天我在草丛里拉屎的时候
is I was taking a shit in the high grass
有条响尾蛇过来
when a rattlesnake came up
在我的菊花上咬了一口
and bit me right on the asshole.
但幸好有他这么一位好朋友
But like the good friend he is,
但丁帮我把毒吸出来了
Dante sucked the poison out.
看吧？他们也碰过这种事
See? It happened to them, too, man.
听我说 我们听说你死了的时候
Well, listen, when we thought you were dead, man,
我觉得非常非常难过
I felt really, really bad
因为这么久以来
’cause in all the time I’ve been hanging out
我每次跟你在店前面打屁
in front of this store and stuff,
都忘了给你个东西
I forgot to give you something.
《牙科学院》？