疯狂店员3（2022）

快把裤子穿起来 -不要 住手
Pull up your pants. – No, stop it.
我必须跟撒旦来一炮
I have to fuck Satan.
就是在那个时候 我跟祢说实话
And that’s when, I shit you not,
该死的路克天行者出现了
Luke fuckin’ Skywalker shows up.
我说的是
DR.- Uh-huh. And I’m talking about
《绝地大反♥攻♥》里面 那个年轻可口的路克
the young, fuckable Luke from Return of the Jedi,
不是《最后的绝地武士》里面那个 “从我家草坪上滚开”的
not the Gran Torino, “Get off my lawn”
《经典老爷车》路克 -好
Luke from The Last Jedi. DR. – Okay.
简单报告一下心脏的情况 葛雷夫斯先生
Quick heart update, Mr. Graves.
在你详细转述
Uh-huh. During your thorough
《星际大战》的同时…
retelling of The Star Wars Show…
是《曼达洛人》第二季
The Mandalorian, season two.
我已经把支架装好了
…I was able to get the stent in place.
现在需要你帮个忙
So this is where I need your help now.
在我打开支架的时候 压力一但减轻
I’m gonna open this stent and all you have to do
你就告诉我一声
is tell me when you feel
可以吗？
the pressure lets up. All right?
开始吧！梦幻医生
Let’s do this, McDreamy.
“此乃正道”
“This is The Way.”
什么正道？
The way to what?
那是《曼达洛人》的口号♥
Oh, that’s a saying from The Mandalorian.
《星际大战》系列
Huh? The Star Wars Show.
听好 我们必须先暂停一下
Okay, listen, we need to hit pause
你那些流行文化心得分享
on all your pop culture references for a minute
让我们先打开支架再说 数到三
just until we open the stent on three.
一、二、三！
One, two, three!
哦！
Oh!
天啊 终于又可以呼吸了
Holy shit, I can fucking breathe again.
这代表我活下来了吗？
Does this mean I’m gonna live now?
对啊 因为我是个很厉害的医生
Yes, because I’m an amazing doctor.
妳比奇异博士
You’re a better doctor than Doctor Strange
跟赞斯博士加在一起 都还要厉害 -《超时空奇侠》吗？
and Doctor Zaius combined. – Doctor who?
不是 我没看那个影集
Oh, no, I don’t watch that show,
但我现在可以看了 因为我活下来了！
but I might start now because I’m fucking alive.
“恭喜了！”就像中国人所说的
“Mazel tov!” As the Chinese say.
谢谢妳 医生
Thank you, Doctor.
谢谢妳救了我的命
Thank you for saving my life.
妳就是心脏外科的蝙蝠侠
You’re like the Batman of heart surgery.
是吗？
Yeah?
“能力愈强
With great power
责任愈大”
comes great responsibility.
那是什么鬼？
What the fuck was that?
你还活着
You’re alive! – You’re alive!
你没事吧？ -心脏病不过就这样
Are you okay? – If that was a heart attack,
我还可以再来一次 根本没什么大不了的
I’ll take another one. That shit was easy.
好 你刚刚应该吃了很多药吧
Okay, you must be on a lot of drugs right now.
没有 在那里面他们什么都没给
No, they didn’t give me nothing in there.
我必须全程保持清醒
I had to do the whole thing sober.
他吃芬太尼吃到飘得跟风筝一样
He’s high as a kite on fentanyl.
用风筝比喻 酷毙了
Kite imagery, very cool.
看吧 蓝道 风筝在天上飞
See, Randal, kites are in the air.
别再跟我扯风筝了
Stop with the fucking kites.
对了 葛雷夫斯先生
DR.- One more thing, Mr. Graves,
既然你之前这么在意
since you were really preoccupied about it,
以至于花了那么多时间 还差点送了性命
so much so that you wasted time and nearly died,
我必须说你的鸡鸡其实没那么小
your penis is not that small.
真的不算大 但也没那么小
It’s not that big, but it’s not that small.
这是我今天听到最棒的一个消息了
That’s the best news I heard all day.
他会没事的吧？
Is he gonna be okay?
我能帮上什么忙吗？
How do I help?
如果你这么关心他的话
Well, if you care about him,
就多塞点蔬菜到他嘴里吧
you’ll jam a vegetable down his throat.
那个家伙动脉中的胆固醇比血液中的还多
The guy’s got more cholesterol in his arteries than blood.
知道了 从现在开始 我只让他吃
Got it. From now on, I’m only gonna order him food
慕比素食菜单上的东西
off the vegan menu at Mooby’s.
不只他 还有你 -我？
Him and you. – Me?
要是你跟你朋友差不多年纪
If you’re around his age
还老是吃同样的东西
and eat the same diet as your friend,
你最好也检查一下自己的心脏
you might wanna get your heart checked out, too.
我会的
Will do.
还有件事情我希望
But here’s something I want you to keep
你能多注意蓝道
an eye out for as regards to Randal.
好
Okay.
中年男子在经历过心脏病发后
Middle-aged men tend to go through a depression
常有忧郁的倾象
after they’ve had a heart attack.
你这位朋友的举止可能会开始有所不同
Now your friend might sound or act differently now because
那是因为他跟死亡擦身而过
he’s come face to face with his own mortality.
所以在接下来的几个月里
So, for the next few months,
你要尽量
do whatever you can do
帮助蓝道保持心情愉快
to help Randal keep his spirits up.
可以吗？
All right?
好 医疗帐单已经寄过去了
Now, my bill is in the mail.
真狠
Judgy.
♪ Whatever it takes
♪ I know I can make it
♪ I know I can make it through
我帮你带了一顶帽子
I brought you a hat.
好 谢了
Yeah. Thanks.
真不敢相信今天经历了这么多事情
I can’t believe you’re still awake
你还醒着
after the day you’ve been through.
对啊 我睡不着
Yeah, I can’t sleep.
今晚我只有20%的机会
There was only a 20% chance
活着走出那间手术室
I was gonna make it out of that OR alive tonight.
是这样吗？
Hmm. Is that right?
每次从家里出来的时候
I mean, I figure I got a 50-50 chance of dying
我以为自己发生意外死亡的机率是50%
any time I leave my apartment.
但今天
But today,
我身边的这一切有80%的机会
there was an 80% chance everything for me
都将画上句号♥
was just gonna stop.
有80%的机会
There was an 80% chance
我们再也没有机会讨论《星际大战》
you and I were never gonna talk about Star Wars again.
有80%的机会
There was an 80% chance
我一辈子都没来得及搞清楚 就医学上而言
I would never know for a medical fact,
我的鸡鸡尺寸很正常
I got a normal-sized dick.
你每次都说自己很大
You always said it was huge.
要是你今天没叫救护车
I was gonna miss a lot of shit
这一切恐怕都来不及了
if you didn’t call that ambulance today.
你救了我的命 兄弟
You saved my life, man.
哦
Oh.
希望我这条命值得救
I wish I had a life worth fucking saving.
好了啦 兄弟
Come on, man.
你在说什么？
What are you talking about?
我刚刚躺在那里
When I was lying there,
不知道自己是不是要死了的时候
wondering if I was gonna die,
我看到自己的人生就像跑马灯一样闪过眼前
I saw the whole movie of my life flash before my eyes.
知道吗？
You know what?
那人生糟透了
It sucked.
我一直以为 应该说希望…
I always thought, hoped…
自己的人生是朝着某个方向前进
that my life was building towards something.
结果原来是朝着医院前进
Turns out it was just the hospital.
你到底在讲什么？
What are you talking about?
我们一手打造了自己的小店
We built our own business.
所以我是间便利商店的合伙人 真了不起
So I co-own a convenience store. Big deal.
我从来没有离开过泽西
I never went anywhere outside of Jersey.
没有像你一样爱过
I never fell in love like you.
如果今晚我就这样离开人世
If I’d have dropped dead tonight,
只有你跟艾利亚斯会记得曾经有我这个人
only you and Elias would remember I even existed.
看看我 我都要50岁了
I mean, look at me, man, I’m almost 50.
坐在这边一遍又一遍
I sit around and watch the same
看同样的无聊电影
stupid movies over and over.
我到底是哪里有问题？
The fuck is wrong with me?
我不知道