疯狂店员3（2022）

Where does she make this incision?
腹股沟
In the groin.
腹股沟 -不是吧！
The groin? – Come on.
所以我得帮你剃毛
So I gotta shave you.
或是说我得以帮你剃毛
Or I get to shave you,
这要看你跟我各自有多喜欢干这档事
depending on how much you love your job and I love mine.
来吧 就像太太们每周在晚上十点
So, as the wife says at- 00 p.m. after Dateline,
看完《日界线》播出后说的
every single week,
“把裤子脱了！”
take off your pants.
我要剃的是腹股沟 先生 请把内♥裤♥也脱了
I gotta shave your groin, sir, so underwear too.
我们能不能先把相关地理位置说清楚
First, can we establish geography?
你说的腹股沟是哪里？
Like, where is the groin to you?
我说的腹股沟是哪里？
Where’s the groin to me?
什么意思？这是个隐喻吗？
What is this, a metaphysical question?
我们能救你的时间不多了
We’re running out of time here to save your life.
动作快点 开始吧！
So come on, let’s go.
能不能拜托你转头看别的地方
Can you avert your eyes, block your ears
然后把耳朵捂住唱首歌♥？
and sing something, please?
搞什么！ -你要我唱什么？
Oh, for God sakes. – What do you want me to sing?
不是你 是他 -喔 好
Not you, him. – Oh, right.
我跟你说实话
All right, here’s the deal,
杰基护理师
Nurse Jackie.
嗯
Mmm.
我的鸡鸡很小
I got a really small dick, okay?
我保证 这没什么大不了的 我之前看多了
I promise you, it’s nothing I’ve not seen before
因为我之前在小儿科工作
because I work in pediatrics.
如果我把内♥裤♥脱掉
If I take off my underwear,
所有急诊室里的人都会看到我的迷你鸡
everyone in the ER is gonna see my little dick
包括我的这位朋友
including my friend here,
他一直以为我很大 因为我从12岁开始
who thinks I got a giant cock ’cause I’ve been lying to him
就一直骗他说我有个大鵰
about it since we were 12.
寓言说完了没有 伊索？
Is this a long fable, Aesop?
这样吧
I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do,
我帮你遮好一点
give you a little more privacy…
可以了吧 -谢了
There you go. – Oh, thanks for that.
不好意思 家属请止步
Unfortunately, this is as far as you can go
你可以去走道那边的等候室等待
but we do have a waiting room that’s right down this hall.
我就在这里等你出来 兄弟
I’ll be right here when you get out, man.
你不会有事的
You got this.
♪ You got an idea We can rock the night
有名女性患者
We’ve got a female with multiple
颈椎有多重并发症 内出血
C-spine complications, internal bleeding
以及撕裂伤
and multiple lacerations.
血压100、70
Blood pressure, 100 over seven…
♪ Let’s both make a promise That we can’t say… ♪
呼叫格雷医生
她快不行了 开始做心肺复甦术
We’re losing her. Starting CPR.
我们已经准备好了 开始！
格雷医生 请到手术室来
他的内♥裤♥
DR.- Why has he still
为什么还在？
got his underpants on?
穿着这种子弹内♥裤♥
How am I supposed to get to his femoral artery
我要怎么找得到股动脉？
if he’s wearing Squeezies?
我跟他说过了
I told him,
但他就是会不好意思
but he’s got some body shame issues.
医生 你看
Look, Doc,
我的鸡鸡真的很小
I got a really small dick.
我是在救你的命
I’m trying to save your life
你还在管鸡鸡小不小的问题？
and you’re worried about your little dick?
没时间想这么多了
We don’t have time for this.
哇！
Whoa!
这都是我的错
This is all my fault.
不是这样的 艾利亚斯
No, it is not, Elias.
是我向上帝祈求要惩罚蓝道
I prayed to God to smite Randal
所以耶稣在我的要求之下让他心脏病发了
so Jesus attacked his heart at my command.
蓝道的妈妈也有心血管的疾病
Randal’s mother had heart trouble, too.
不行 我必须让耶稣快点停手
No, I gotta make Jesus reverse this.
跟我一起祈祷 但丁先生
Pray with me, Mr. Dante.
噢 我亲爱的救世主 请聆听祢善男的祈祷
Oh, my sweet savior, hear your gentle servant.
饶恕我无心之下怪责的异教♥徒♥
Spare the heretic I damned in jest.
还记得好小偷说的话
Remember the words of the good thief.
耶稣没有错
Jesus did no wrong,
我们无非为贼
whereas we are but thieves.
怎么了 医生？
DR.- A-ha. What’s up, Doc?
从你身上的几个纹身我能看出来
I can tell by your very subtle tattoo
你是超级英雄的迷
that you’re a superhero fan,
那你应该会喜欢这个
so you might appreciate this.
你现在得的
Uh-huh. You know,
这种心脏疾病
they have a name for the type
有个专属的名称
of heart attack you’re having right now.
是吗？
Really? Okay.
这个叫“寡妇制♥造♥机”
They call it the Widow-Maker.
听起来很像是冒险游侠
Now, doesn’t that sound like some bad guy
要打击的那种坏人 对吧？
that Ranger Danger has to fight?
为什么这个会叫“寡妇制♥造♥机”
Why do they call it the Widow-Maker?
因为像你这样
Because in 80% of the cases
100%阻塞的状况下 有80%的病例
when there’s 100% occlusion like what you have now?
根本不用救 病人直接拜拜 再见
Hands down, patient always dies, always.
该死
Oh, fuck.
但是不用担心 你会是那20%里的人
But don’t worry, you’re gonna be in the 20%
因为让你活着才不会坏了我的招牌
because keeping you alive is good for my brand.
现在请恕我无礼
Now, if you excuse me,
我会在你的小裤裤里面探索
I’m gonna go fool around in your little crotch
变个小魔术
and I’m gonna make a little magic,
其他的方法也不无小补
but I could use all the help that we can get.
要是你还记得小时候
So, if you remember any prayers
曾经说过什么祷词
from when you were a kid,
现在是复习的好时机了
now would be a terrific time to dust those off.
你在听吗 克罗姆？
Are you there, Crom?
是我 蓝道
It’s me, Randal.
拜托不要让我死
Please don’t let me die.
祂不会回应我的
He won’t answer me.
这些年来
After all this time…
我把生命献给上帝
devoting my life to God.
耶稣却抛弃了我们小歇杂货店里的所有人
Jesus has abandoned all of us at QuickStop.
我想耶稣应该是偏好速食店的人
I think Jesus was always more of a Wawa guy.
知道我在想什么吗？
Yeah, well, you know what I think?
我在想信这些狗屁真是浪费我的生命
I think I wasted my life believing in bullshit.
我被骗了
I’ve been conned.
童话、信仰、还有…
Fairy tales, faith and pledging fealty
向一个捏造出来的虚幻形象宣示忠诚 这都是为了什么？
to a fictional fucking phantom. And for what?
在我最黑暗、最需要的时刻
In my darkest hour when I need him most,
主完全背弃了我
the Lord totally ghosts me.
这些关于耶稣的东西全都下地狱去吧！
Well, to hell with all that made up Jesus jive.
只要今晚能拯救蓝道
Save Randal this night,
我就发誓将灵魂交给祢
and I will swear my soul to you,
亲爱的撒旦
oh, sweet Satan.
撒旦？别这样
Satan? Oh, buddy, no.
他不是邪恶世界里的柯博文吗？
I mean, isn’t he kind of like the Optimus Prime of evil?
不必用这种屌♥屌♥的态度对我
You don’t have to condescend to me.
直接说密卡登就对了
You can just say Megatron.
我不懂《变形金刚》 这方面我算是在室的
I’m kind of a Transformers virgin.
其实…
Well,
我是真的在室的
I’m an actual virgin,
所以撒旦一定会想要我的灵魂
so I know Satan’s gonna want my soul.
要来干嘛？ -献给邪恶力量
For what? – Evil.
应该还有捅菊花吧
And butt sex probably.
你有润滑剂吗？ -能不能小声点？
Do you have any lube? – Are you…
不行！
No!
我不配用润滑剂
I don’t deserve lube!
来吧 撒旦
Take me, Satan!
老天！快把裤子穿起来
Jesus! Pull up your pants.
让我成为你的人 -天啊！
Make me your concubine! – Jesus…