疯狂店员3（2022）

Kids today love flying kites. Kites are cool.
现在几世纪了 班富兰克林？
What century is this, Ben Franklin,
这年头
and what kind of kid in this day and age
还有什么样的小孩
would be remotely interested
会想买♥♥或是想玩个烂风筝？
in buying or flying a fucking kite?
看到上面的耶稣像了吗？
Did you see they have Jesus on them?
好吧 就算小孩都喜欢耶稣好了
Oh, well, all the kids love Jesus.
哪个脑袋正常的
Who in their right mind is gonna buy
会买♥♥你这些诡异的耶稣风筝？
one of your creepy Christ kites?
我就会
I would.
你是买♥♥了没错 还买♥♥了30个
You did, like, 30 times.
或许可以放在网上卖♥♥
Maybe we can sell some online.
放网上？
Online?
要让人对那些
The only way anyone on the Internet
老掉牙的古老玩意感兴趣的唯一方法
would care about this old-timey bullshit
就是拍个抖音短片
is if you shot a TikTok trying to jam
用那些耶稣风筝跟你的基♥督♥教老二玩一场
one of those Jesus kites up your Christian dickhole.
烂人 -谢谢
Asshole. – Thank you.
知道吗 蓝道？我不觉得
You know what, Randal? I don’t think there’s anything
亵渎神明有什么好玩的
particularly “metal” about blasphemy.
亵渎神明和咬掉蝙蝠的头
Shah, blasphemy and biting off a bat’s head
一样酷
are as metal as it gets.
有两个人跟耶稣一起钉上十字架 蓝道
There were two men who were crucified with Jesus, Randal.
我的天啊！
Holy fuck.
一个好小偷跟一个坏小偷
A good thief and a bad thief.
如果被抓到
If they were caught, I’d say
那他们两个都是坏小偷了
that makes them both bad thieves.
坏小偷说
The bad thief said,
“如果你真的是上帝的儿子
“If you are really the son of God,
“那就把我们放下来 拯救我们”
“get us down from here and save us.”
这个人为什么是坏小偷？
So why is this guy called “The bad thief”?
他是个能认清现实、有常识的小偷
Call him “The practical thief with common fucking sense.”
那个好小偷说
Ah. But the good thief said,
“耶稣没有错 我们无非为贼”
“Jesus did no wrong, whereas we are but thieves.”
“危贼”是什么意思？
What the fuck are butt thieves?
然后好小偷又说
Uh, well, then the good thief said,
“耶稣 在祢的王国里请记住我”
“Jesus, remember me in your kingdom.”
然后耶稣对好小偷说
And Jesus said to the good thief,
“今日你将在天堂与我同在”
“Today, you shall be with me in paradise.”
天堂是一家脱衣舞酒吧
And Paradise is a strip club.
那才不是脱衣舞酒吧 蓝道
It’s not a strip club, Randal.
是天上的仙境
It’s Heaven.
所以你这个没完没了故事的重点在于
So the moral of your never ending story is,
“就算在天堂 人脉也很重要”
even in Heaven, it’s all about who you know.
这个故事的重点在于
The moral of the story
“如果你没有像好小偷那样
is if you didn’t go to Heaven as a guest of Jesus,
“被耶稣邀请到天堂…”
like the good thief,
知道坏小偷去哪里了吗 蓝道？
where did the bad thief go, Randal?
我不是想拖你讲道的时间
Not that I wanna prolong your sermon,
但提醒某人他是上帝的儿子
but how is it blasphemy to remind a guy
到底有什么不对？
he’s the son of God?
那个坏小偷可能以为
Maybe the bad thief thought
耶稣发生过《神鬼认证》之类的事情
Jesus had a Bourne Identity thing going on,
例如耶稣曾经从船上掉下去
like Jesus fell off a boat,
敲到头得了失忆症
hit his head and caught amnesia.
他之前出生在马槽里
He was born in a manger.
现在又复活成了伯恩
Now he’s Bourne again.
由麦特戴蒙饰演耶稣伯恩
Matt Damon is Jesus Bourne in…
《耶稣认证》
The Bourne Nativity.
天父 我向祢祈求
Heavenly Father, I beseech thee,
请逞罚这个猖狂的异教♥徒♥
please smite this braying heretic.
哦
Oh.
你没事吧？
Are you okay?
有事 不知道怎么了 我喘不过气来…
No, something’s wrong, I… I can’t catch my breath.
别闹了
Stop teasing me.
我没在闹 我…
I’m not teasing, I…
我喘不过气来了
I can’t catch my breath, man.
真的吗？要我帮你做人工呼吸吗？
Really? Should I try mouth stuff?
搞什么 这又不是见网友 闪远一点
What is this, a Tinder date? Get off of me.
你不是说你呼吸困难
You said you can’t breathe.
我可以呼吸 我只是…
I can breathe. I just…
喘不过起来
I can’t catch my breath.
你手这样是在做什么？
What are you doing with your arm?
我在努力呼吸！
I’m trying to breathe.
你在冒冷汗了 蓝道
You’re really sweating, Randal.
这里好热
It’s hot in here, man.
我们能不能把门打开 我想…
Can we open the door? I got to…
但丁先生！
Mr. Dante!
该死！
Oh, shit!
这里是小歇杂货店 我们需要救护车
I need an ambulance at the QuickStop.
拉♥登♥海姆医生
Dr. Ladenheim,
请到急诊室来
report to the ER.
拉♥登♥海姆医生…
Dr. Ladenheim…
非得要叫救护车吗？
You had to call an ambulance, didn’t you?
我只不过是在慕比吃太多了 没什么大不了的
I just ate too much fuckin’ Mooby’s, that’s all.
要是你自己会诊断
Well, if you know what’s wrong,
那我就可以回家了
then I guess I can go home.
妳该不会是医生吧？
Are you the doctor?
我就是医生
I’m the doctor.
我是拉♥登♥海姆医生 我是你今晚的救命恩人
Dr. Ladenheim, I’ll be your savior this evening.
什么鬼？
What in the fuck?
抱歉穿了这身衣服
I apologize for my wardrobe.
我刚从化妆舞会赶过来
I just came from a costume ball.
听我说 医生 我没事 我只是…
Listen, Doc, I’m okay. I just…
只是有点喘不过气来 就这样而已
I can’t catch my breath is all.
把疼痛分为十级
On a scale of one to ten,
你现在的疼痛指数有几级？
how bad would you say your pain level is?
我的疼痛指数？
My pain level?
应该有负三吧
Like a negative three.
怎么可能会这样
Well, you’re doing it all wrong.
心脏病发的时候
You’re supposed to be in a lot of pain
应该很痛才对
when you have a heart attack.
等一下 我刚刚心脏病发了？
Wait a minute. I had a heart attack?
没有 我不是这么说的 你听错了
No, that’s not what I said.
感谢老天
You misunderstood me. Oh, thank Christ.
是正在发作才对
You’re having a heart attack
我们说话的这当下正在发作
right now as we speak,
很严重 我们必须马上采取治疗
a massive one, so we have to act pretty quickly.
要是我没有喝这么醉就好了
I just wish I wasn’t so hung over.
我开玩笑的！
I’m kidding.
我先去换个衣服整理整理
I’m gonna go get all glammed up
好跟你约会 我们待会在OR见了
for our big date and I’ll see you in the OR.
看着我
Look at me. Uh-huh.
一切都会没事的 好吗？
Everything’s gonna be fine, all right?
好 很好
Good. All right.
他撑不过去的
He’s not gonna make it.
老天 有没有人能叫个好女巫过来？
Jesus, could someone page the Good Witch?
还有什么 该不会有小矮人吧？
What’s next, a fucking Munchkin?
刮毛剪头发 两点
Shave and a haircut two bits.
刮毛剪头发 两点
Shave and a haircut two bits.
你跟拉♥登♥海姆医生见过面了吧
I see that you met Dr. Ladenheim.
她要我来帮你准备动手术
And she wants me to prep you for surgery.
手术？不是 医生只说要我去OR
Surgery? No. The doctor just said I’m going to the OR.
没错 OR就是手术室的意思
Right! Which is short for operating room
是动手术的地方
where they do… Ding, ding, ding, surgery!
她就要进入你的心了
She gotta get into your heart.
医生会把他的胸腔打开吗？
Uh, is the doctor gonna crack his chest open?
不是吧！ -不会
Fuck. – No, no, no.
她会从股动脉放入心脏内视镜
She’s gonna thread a camera through his femoral artery
一直向上直达心脏处 切口非常小
up to his ticker through a very small incision.
切口会在哪？