没错
她的成功就是你的成就 而你的成就也是她的成功
Her success is your success and your success is her success.
别再比较了
Stop competing.
到此为止 可以吗？
Stop it, ok?
第二条守则
Number two.
第二条守则 听好了
Number two, ok?
感情里没有平等这回事
There is no equality in a relationship.
你说：“我们是平等的” 事实并非如此
It’s like, “We equals.” No, you’re not.
你们要举案齐眉，相敬如宾
You’re both there to serve.
感情是个服务业 懂吗？
You’re in the service industry, ok?
没错
That’s right.
谈恋爱的情侣就如一支乐团
When you’re in a relationship, you’re in a band.
你成了个乐团成员
You’re in a fucking band.
作为乐团成员 你有自己必须扮演的角色
And when you’re in a band, you have roles that you play in the band.
有时候你是主唱 有时候你是铃鼓手
Sometimes you sing lead and sometimes you’re on tamborine.
轮到你打铃鼓时就好好表现
And if you’re on tamborine, play it right.
好好表现 脸上要带着笑容
Play it right. Play it with a fucking smile.
没有人看一个板着脸的铃鼓手
‘Cause nobody wants to see a mad tamborine player.
没错 轮到你打铃鼓时就好好表现
That’s right. If you’re gonna play tamborine,
you play that motherfucker right.
用屁♥股♥敲打铃鼓
You play it with your ass, like…
打铃鼓 狗♥娘♥养♥的…
♪ Tamborine, motherfucker Tamborine ♪
打铃鼓 狗♥娘♥养♥的…
♪ Tamborine, motherfucker Tamborine ♪
打铃鼓 狗♥娘♥养♥的…
♪ Tamborine, motherfucker Tamborine ♪
打铃鼓 狗♥娘♥养♥的…
♪ Tamborine, motherfucker Tamborine ♪
模仿蒂娜特纳打铃鼓
Play it like Tina Turner.
没错 你是个乐团成员
That’s right. You in a band.
好比如霍尔和奥兹二重唱
It’s like Hall and Oates.
我不知道奥兹的岗位是什么
I don’t know what Oates does.
但如果没有他 霍尔就不可能打破畅销纪录
But Hall never had a hit record without him.
你们想要在一起 怎么在一起？
Yeah, you wanna stay together. How do you stay together?
做♥爱♥啊
You gotta fuck.
就这么简单 做♥爱♥就对了
It’s that simple. You gots to fuck.
很多人说：“刚开始交往时非常开心 后来问题渐渐浮出♥台♥面”
People are like, “When we got together, it was so fun, but then problems arose.”
没有的事 没有东西浮出♥台♥面
No they didn’t. Nothing arose.
你们今天面对的所有问题 早在你们刚认识时就存在了
Every problem you have today, you had when you met.
可是当时你们忙着做♥爱♥ 所以选择原谅对方
But you were fucking so you forgave.
没错 你早知道他不会洗碗
That’s right. You knew he didn’t do dishes.
可是他有个大雕
But he gave you good dick.
极品大雕 这是个非常有利的交易
That was a swell trade. Dick for dishes.
你以前非常喜欢清洗这个极品大雕
You used to love washing them dick dishes.
你早知道她不会下厨
You knew she couldn’t cook.
可是她懂得舔你的鸡♥巴♥
But she licked your balls.
你说：“继续舔吧 叫外卖♥♥就行了”
You’re like, “Ah, keep licking. We’ll order in.”
你们必须做♥爱♥
You gots to fuck.
一定要做♥爱♥ 不断做♥爱♥
You gotta fuck. You gotta keep it up.
无论心情如何都得做♥爱♥
And you gotta fuck no matter what mood you’re in.
你们必须不停地做♥爱♥
You gotta keep the shit moving.
不能等到圣灵降临才做♥爱♥
You can’t wait for the Holy Ghost to just get you.
没错
That’s right.
没错 各位女士 你们听见了吗？
That’s right. Ladies, are you listening to me?
有时候你们必须去吮一个忧郁的鸡♥巴♥
Sometimes you gotta suck a melancholy dick.
你们必须做好自己的分内事
You gotta do what you gotta do.
毕竟即便我的心情很糟 我也可以舔穴
‘Cause I can eat pussy in a horrible mood.
“车上居然没有空调 真是难以置信”
“I can’t believe there’s no gas in the car.”
“Can’t believe there’s so much mold in the basement.”
“地下室居然有这么多霉菌 真是难以置信”
天啊 即便是911当天 我也在舔穴
Shit, I eat pussy on 9/11.
你们那天在哪？
Where were you?
不行 你们必须做♥爱♥
No, man. You gots to fuck, man.
老兄 我结婚了16年
Dude, I was married for 16 years.
大概16年了
Married for 16 years. Yeah.
算是长命婚姻 《汉密尔顿》也没有那么长
That’s a long run. Hamilton won’t last that long.
我的婚姻处在手♥机♥时期
I was married for 16 years in the era of the cellphone.
也就是说 我的16年
Which means my 16 years,
比我父母的40年还要长
is actually longer than my parents’ 40.
没错 在过去16年里 我和前妻相处的时间
That’s right. In 16 years, I had more contact
比我父母相处的40年还要长
with my ex-wife than my parents did in 40 years.
不是吗？ 当年我爸每天一早6点30分
Ok? My father used to leave for work
就出门上班去了
at 6:30 in the morning
到了晚上8点30分才回来
and come home at 8:30 at night.
白天他和我母亲完全没有联♥系♥
And during the day, him and my mother had absolutely no contact
完全没有
at all.
没有
None.
知道吗？
Ok?
以前的感情就是这么回事
That’s what a relationship used to be.
孩子不知道死在家里多久了
The kids could’ve been dead.
父亲得在晚上回家后才揭发悲剧
And he wouldn’t have found that shit out till he got home.
他会想：“喂 孩子都死了 他们是几点死的？
He’d be like, “Baby, the kids are dead.” “What time they die?”
该死的 我错过了”
“About eight hours ago.” “Damn, I missed it.”
没错 正是如此 还有你们知道吗？
Yes, that’s right. You know what else?
我父母其实都在记挂着对方
They actually missed each other.
他们互相挂念
They missed each other.
到了2017年 我们不可能会挂念别人了
You know you can’t miss nobody in 2017.
不太可能 我们大可说自己在挂念某人
Not really. You can say it.
但我们不会真正去挂念某个狗♥娘♥养♥的
But you don’t really miss a motherfucker.
毕竟我们每时每刻都与对方同在
‘Cause you with them all the time.
他们就藏在我们的口袋里
They in your fucking pocket.
离开不久后 马上就收到短♥信♥
Soon as you leave, man. Soon as you go somewhere, you get a fucking text.
叮的一声、哔的一声
You get a ping. You get a beep.
我们都有该死的脸书 Instagram和其他社交网站
You get a fucking Facebook, an Instagram, you get something.
甚至是FaceTime
You know, a FaceTime.
然后你家女人说…
And then later on your woman goes,
“你好像不愿意说话”
“You act like you don’t wanna talk.”
你到底在说什么？
Like, “What the fuck are you talking about?
我知道你今天都做些什么来着
I know everything you did today.
我也知道其他人对你做的事有何感想
And I know how people felt about it.
臭婊♥子♥ 我还给了你五个赞
I gave you five likes, bitch.
三个笑脸和一个茄子
I gave you three smiley faces and an eggplant.”
老兄 我并不是个好丈夫
Dude, I was not, like, a good husband.
我搞砸了一切
I’ll just… I was fucked up. You know?
我对色情上瘾
I was addicted to porn.
我懂 色情是亿万产业 这是我的个人问题
I know, billion-dollar industry. Just me. Right?
我对色情上瘾
I was addicted to porn.
你们懂的…
You know. And, you know. You know.
我的反应无时无刻慢15分钟
I was 15 minutes late, everywhere.
我有人证
I got some witnesses.
看太多色情影片的后果是什么？ 让我告诉你吧
When you watch too much porn, you know what happens? Here’s what happens to you.
你会得性障碍
You become, like, sexually autistic.
开始出现性障碍症状
You develop, like, sexual autism.
无法维持眼神交流
You have a hard time with eye contact and…
无法理解伴侣的语言暗示
verbal cues.
一切必须按照行程表进行
You want everything to be routine.
无法每晚让女人为你吹♥喇♥叭♥
Like, you can’t choke your woman every night.
只能混合搭配
You gotta mix it up.
周四吹♥喇♥叭♥
Choke-out Thursdays.
看太多色情影片也会变得性冷感
And, what happens, too, you watch too much porn, you get desensitized. You know?
我们开始看色情影片时 无论那种类型的色情影片…
It’s like, when you start watching porn, it’s like, any porn will do.
“天啊 他们都光着身子”
It’s like, “Ah, they’re naked! Ooh-hoo!”
后来严重上瘾了
Then later on, now you’re all fucked up.
得射个痛快才行
And you need a perfect porn cocktail…
才能醒神 对吧？
to get you off, no?
我对色情严重上瘾 以致需要找个亚洲女孩…
I was so fucked up. Like, I’d need an Asian girl,
拥有黑人的翘臀…
with a black girl’s ass…
口操西班牙语
that speaks Spanish.
目的只是为了能插深一点
Just to get my dick to move an inch.
各位女士 我现在好多了
I’m a lot better now. Ladies…
没错 记得顾好你们的男人
that’s right, take care of your man.
各位男同胞 记得顾好 你们的太太和女友 好好照顾她
Fellas, take care of your wives, your girlfriends. Take care of her.
不然她会离你而去
Or she will leave you.
她会在生理和心理上离你而去
She will leave you either physically or mentally.
女人的心可能不在你身上
A woman can leave you mentally.