而且偶尔会制♥造♥炸♥弹♥袭击
And occasionally blow shit up.
仔细想想 这也挺奇怪的 假如你们真的相信上帝
Which is really odd when you think about it.
‘Cause if you truly believe in God,
自然也会相信上帝创造了 地球、月亮和星星
you believe that God created the Earth, the moon, the stars, the sun.
上帝是宇宙中最强大的存在
You believe that God is the most powerful being in the universe.
既然你们相信 上帝是宇宙中最强大的存在
So, if you believe God’s the most powerful being in the universe,
那祂何必需要你的帮助？
why would he need your help?
这是什么鬼道理？
What is that shit?
这…抱歉
-And… It… I’m sorry. -[applause]
帮助上帝？ 聪明的人绝对不会帮助上帝
Helping God? And it’s never nobody smart helping God out.
马尔科姆格拉德威尔 和奈尔德葛拉司泰森不会帮助上帝
It’s never Malcolm Gladwell or Neil deGrasse Tyson.
通常只有某些两周前还在 电路城公♥司♥上班的人才会帮助上帝
It’s always some motherfucker that was working at Circuit City two weeks ago.
搞什么？
It’s like, “What the fuck?
“你两周前不是在搬货上车吗？
Wasn’t you loading trucks two weeks ago?
现在你居然要帮助上帝？
Now you’re helping out God?
哪门子的升职制度？”
That is some promotion.”
这到底是什么情况？
What the fuck is going on?
听我说 我认为…
I mean, here’s the thing. I think…
我认为帮助上帝 是一种对上帝不敬的行为
the act of helping God is sacrilegious.
如果你认为自己可以帮助上帝 那你就不相信上帝
If you think you can help God out, you don’t believe in God.
有信仰的人终究会有信仰 听我说
If you really had faith you’d really have faith. I mean, check this out.
我已经有十年没去教堂了
I haven’t been to church in ten years.
这才叫相信上帝
Now that’s believing in God.
你每周去教堂是因为不信上帝
Shit, you go every week ’cause you don’t trust God.
天啊 其实我非常喜欢宗教
Nah, man. But I love religion.
我喜欢观赏宗教节目和研究宗教
I love watching religion, studying religion.
宗教的厉害之处是 无论我们祈祷的对象是哪个神明
The cool thing about religion is, like, no matter who you pray to,
无论我们研究的是哪个宗教
no matter what you study,
每个宗教…
every religion…
都有一个相同的前提 每个宗教都遵从同一个道理
follows one basic premise.
One basic idea that every religion follows.
所谓的前提就是 上帝从不犯错
And that… And that premise is, God doesn’t make mistakes.
每个宗教都相信这个道理
Every religion believes that. Every one.
上帝从来没有…
“God, does not make…
错
mistakes.
我说了 上帝…
I said, God…
从来没有…
does not [high-pitched] make…
错
mistakes.
上帝从来没有错？
Ok, God don’t make no mistakes?
没关系
That’s– That’s… Ok. That’s…
也不怕风大闪了舌头
That’s a pretty ambitious thing to say.
从来没有错？你读过圣经吗？
No mistakes? You ever read the Bible?
圣经写道上帝创造天地后第七天 发生了什么事？
What does the Bible say happened on the seventh day?
祂休息
God rested.
无所不能的上帝居然需要休息 挺奇怪的
Ok, seems odd that a perfect being would rest.
我问你们一个问题
Let me ask you a question.
你们曾经在执行任务当儿
Have you ever been performing a task?
一切顺利之际休息吗？
It was going perfect, and you took a rest?
你们在人生中做过这种事吗？
Has that ever happened in your life?
才怪 你们从不做这种事
No, that has never fucking happened to you.
除非在你们执行任务之际出错了
What has happened to you was you were performing a task, you fucked up,
接着你心想：“我先休息一会儿 以免情况变得更糟”
and you thought, “Let me rest… before I fuck this up some more.”
你说上帝从来没有错 给我闭嘴
God doesn’t make mistakes. Hush your mouth.
上帝做错的事可多了
God make plenty of mistakes.
你们见过豪猪吗？
You ever see a porcupine?
它既不能吃 也不能抱
Can’t eat it. Can’t hug it.
长相难看 全身黏糊糊 到处拉屎
It’s ugly, sticky, shitting all over the place.
Mistake.
这是一宗错
流沙是怎么回事？
What about quicksand?
足以让人溺毙
Sand you can drown in.
足以让人干溺而死
You can drown dry.
你认为流沙是上帝故意发明的吗？
You think God meant to make quicksand?
是个错
Mistake.
你们去过密西西比州吗？
You ever been to Mississippi?
是个错
Mistake.
是错就得认
M-I-S-S-T-A-K-E!
开什么玩笑？ 那是个充满种族主义的大♥片♥烂土
You fucking kidding me? Just a big hunk of racist dirt.
可悲的密西西比州 我几个月前在那里待过
Fucking Mississippi. I was there a couple of months ago.
身在当地居然不知道处在哪个年份
I couldn’t even tell what year it was.
可见那个地方有多糟糕和贫穷
That’s how fucked up and ghetto that shit was.
Like, God damn. You know what Mississippi’s like?
天啊 你们知道 密西西比州像什么吗？
你们知道到加勒比观光的情形吗？
You know, like, when you go to the Caribbean?
飞机在加勒比着陆后 我们就登上一辆客货车 对吧？
You know when you go to the Caribbean, you land and you get in that van?
那段行程吓得我们屎滚尿流的
That drive. That scary-ass drive…
from the airport to the resort.
行程是从机场到度假村
路上我们往窗外望去 心想：“这里到底怎么回事？
And you’re looking out the window, you’re like, “What the fuck?
到底怎么回事？
What the fuck is that shit?
天啊
Oh, my God!
天啊”
Whoa!”
我们看见小朋友咬着脏辫儿
You see little kids eating dreadlocks.
街头混混在猛刺一条狗
You see Shabba Ranks stabbing a dog.
杀啊…
Shabba. Shabba.
杀啊…
Shabba. Shabba.
路人望着我们的客货车 表情像没见过车子一样
See, people looking like they never saw a car before.
“真奇怪…”
Wheel. Wheel.
我们抵达度假村后心想： “牙买♥♥加是个好地方
Then you get to the resort and you’re like, “Jamaica’s nice.”
这个地方太棒了 应该把你妈也带来才对”
“It’s so nice. We should invite your mother.”
Shit.
接着服务员端上一杯椰林飘香
They give you one piña colada…
于是我们对这辈子见过 最贫苦的情境释怀了
and you forgive the worst poverty you’ve ever seen.
吸一口后 心想…
You take one sip, you’re like…
“刚才那个宝宝没完全死吧？
“That baby wasn’t really dead, right?”
我等不及去滑水了”
“I can’t wait to jet ski.”
我努力在上帝找到我之前找到祂
Trying to find God before God finds me.
我正在努力整理人生
Trying to get my life together, man.
我有个疯狂的… 前几年下来 我过得庸庸碌碌的
I had a crazy… Last few years have been crazy for me, man.
我忙着照顾孩子 我离婚了
Taking care of my kids, man. I got divorced.
我离婚了 别鼓掌
-Divorced. No, no. Don’t… -[sparse claps]
别为了离婚而鼓掌 除非你是律师
Don’t clap for that shit unless you’re a lawyer.
我们不会喜欢离婚的 你们听我说
You don’t wanna get divorced. Let me tell you right now.
这是肺腑之言 你们不会想经历离婚这桩烂事
I’m talking– I’m talking from hell. You don’t want this shit.
听好了 如果有自己所爱的人 就要仅仅抓住对方
Telling you right. If you got somebody you love, hold tight.
没错 紧紧抓住对方
That’s right. Hold fucking tight.
全心全意 别成为那个威胁要离开的人
Commit. Don’t be the one that’s always threatening to leave, too.
好好去爱 不然就滚蛋
That’s right. Love hard or get the fuck out.
如果有离开的打算 就走快点
If you’re gonna leave, leave right now.
没错 就在现场 就是现在
That’s right. At the show. Right now.
马上分手 后面有几个分手室
That’s right. Just break up. We got break up booths in the back.
没错 可是在你离开对方之前 最后确保自己有几条后路
That’s right. But before you leave, you better make sure you got some options.
有的人在一起太久了 不知道自己有多恶心
Some of ya’ll been in relationships so long, you don’t know how ugly you are.
没错
That’s right.
好好去爱 不然就滚蛋
Love hard or get the fuck out.
好了 你们都听见了？
Ok. You hear me?
听好了
I’m telling you right now.
如果你们正在交往
If you’re in a relationship,
就应该常常做♥爱♥和到处旅行
all you should be doing is fucking and going places.
你们只需要做这两件事
That’s all you should be doing.
做♥爱♥和旅行
Having sex and traveling.
常常做♥爱♥和到处旅行
Fucking and going places.
进进出出，走走停停
You should be coming and going.
That’s all you should be doing.
你们只需要做这两件事
知道吗？ 很多人说：“维持关系不容易”
Ok? People say, “Oh, relationships are tough.”
没有的事
No, they not.
不容易是因为只有单方面在努力
They’re only tough when one person’s working on it.
没错 两个人合作 可以轻易移♥动♥一张沙发椅
That’s right. Two people could move a couch real easy.
一个人就移不动了
One person can’t move it at all.
没错 那些正在交往的人 我可以帮帮你们
That’s right. If you in a relationship, let me try to help you right now, ok?
请允许我帮帮你们吧
I’m trying to fucking help you, ok?
第一条守则
Ok, first rule. Rule one.
不要较劲
Stop competing.
感情并非竞争
It’s not a fucking competition.
That’s right.