Stop telling your kids that they special.
也许他们在你看来是特别的
Maybe they special to you.
但在我看来不是
But not to me.
我不来这套
I don’t play that shit.
每天孩子上学前
Everyday before my kids leave to school,
我会在门口拦住她们 我说：“萝拉、萨拉 听好
I get them at the door. I’m like, “Lola, Zahra, check this out.
踏出家门后 不会有人在乎你们
Soon as you leave this door, nobody gives a fuck about you.
Nobody in the whole world gives a fuck about you.
世界上不会有人在乎你们
没有人在乎你可不可爱、聪不聪明
Nobody thinks you’re cute. Nobody thinks you’re smart.
也没有在乎你的想法
Nobody gives a fuck about your opinion.
在这个家门外不会有人
Nobody on the whole earth outside of this door
在乎你
gives a fuck about you.
没有人在乎你
Nobody!
甚至是家里的人…
And even some of the people inside the house…
也不一定在乎你
…a little on the fence.”
我们需要恶霸
We need bullies.
没有恶霸怎么称得上是学校呢？
How the fuck you gonna have a school with no bullies?
有了恶霸 事半功倍
Bullies do half the work.
没错
That’s right.
一半是老师的责任
Teachers do one half.
另一半则是恶霸的责任
Bullies do the whole other half.
而这一半正是我们长大后 用得上的教导
And that’s the half you’re gonna use as a fucking grown-up.
没错 谁在乎你会不会编码？
That’s right. Who gives a fuck if you can code…
老板没跟你打招呼你就哭了？
if you start crying ’cause your boss didn’t say hi?
“狗♥娘♥养♥的 你太弱了 离我远一点”
You fucking weak bitch. Get the fuck away from me.
你们以为比尔盖茨 在高中时期没被同学欺负吗？
You think kids were nice to Bill Gates in high school?
“盖茨 你这狗♥娘♥养♥的 长得还真像查理布朗”
“Hey, Gates, you Charlie Brown-looking motherfucker.
“盖茨 你这个四眼田鸡去死吧”
Fuck you, Gates. You four-eyed bitch.
“你那该死的微软操作系统和牙缝”
Fuck you and your windows, you gape-tooth motherfucker.
“狗♥娘♥养♥的盖茨 我要把你揍得落花流水”
I’m gonna smack the shit out of you, fucking Gate.
“盖茨是狗♥娘♥养♥的”
Gate motherfucker.
“盖茨 你永远盖不起来”
You can’t get in the gate, Gates.”
你们以为马克扎克伯格在高中时期 不曾被同学欺负吗？
You think kids were nice to Mark Zuckerberg in high school?
“喂 狗♥娘♥养♥的扎克伯格
“Hey, Zucker-fuck.
狗♥娘♥养♥的扎克伯格 干♥你♥娘♥的扎克伯格
Zucker-fucker. Mother-Zucker. Mother.
干…干♥你♥娘♥”
Zuck-Zucker, mother-Zuck.
“来干我吧 干♥你♥娘♥的扎克伯格
Suck my nuts-er, Zucker.
干♥你♥娘♥的扎克伯格 干…干♥你♥娘♥”
Mother-Zucker. Mother-Zuck. Zucker-mother.
Zucker-mother. Mother-Zucker.”
后来有个人用书朝他的脸扇去 结果他发明了脸书
He invented Facebook after somebody smacked him in the face with a book.
他起初发明脸书是为了交友
He invented Facebook just to get friends.
我们需要恶霸
We need bullies.
压力造就成功
Shit, pressure makes diamonds.
拥抱无法成事
Not hugs.
试试去拥抱一块煤炭 看看能得到什么结果
That’s right. Hug a piece of coal and watch what you get.
一件肮脏的上衣
You get a dirty shirt.
听好了 我们需要该死的恶霸
I’m telling you, we need fucking bullies.
这就是当今学校为何有许多胖子
That’s why there’s so many fat kids in school right now.
没有人会去抢走他们的午餐费
‘Cause there’s nobody to take their lunch money.
你们知道他们用那些钱 买♥♥了什么吗？手下
You know what they buy with all that money? Seconds.
天啊 我们需要恶霸
We need bullies, man.
我不喜欢听见人们说 网络霸凌越来越严重了
I hate when people go, “You know what, cyber bullying is worse.”
少来了
Shut up.
我可不曾听说过 有人被网民从楼梯口踢下楼
I never heard of anybody getting cyber kicked down a flight of stairs.
也不曾听说过有人被网民泼尿
I’ve never heard of anybody getting a cyber bag of piss thrown at them.
我们需要该死的恶霸 这就是为何特朗普成了总统
We need fucking bullies. Shit, that’s how Trump became president.
这是真实写照
That’s exactly what happened.
我们除掉了恶霸
We got rid of bullies.
结果来了个真正的恶霸 没有人知道怎么应付他
A real bully showed up, and nobody knew how to handle him.
天啊
Shit.
如今《学徒》的参赛者 正在掌管这个世界
The cast of The Apprentice is running the world.
特朗普、他的女儿和奥马罗萨
Trump, the daughter, Omarosa.
正在掌管这个世界
They run the world, man.
天啊 简直难以置信
Yo, man, this shit is crazy.
很多人说：“特朗普是个坏人 他会得到报应的”
A lot of people are like, “Well, Trump is a bad person and he gonna get his”.
你们都知道 不是每个人都会得到报应
You know, some people never get theirs.
有的人可以从失败中获利
Some people just fail up.
常言道：“善有善报 恶有恶报”
People are like, “Well, you know, what goes around comes around.”
没有的事
No, it don’t.
有时候就这么着
Sometimes it just keeps going around.
特朗普会过得好好的
Ain’t nothing gonna happen to Trump, man.
没有出事 可怕的是
Nothing’s gonna happen to Trump. Here’s the crazy thing.
他搞不好会成功
It might just work out.
特朗普搞不好会成功
Trump might work out.
没错 话是我说的
-Yeah, I said it. -[laughing]
特朗普搞不好会成功 试着这么想
Trump might work out. I mean, think about it this way.
布♥什♥太烂了
Bush was so bad…
于是他带来了奥巴马
he gave us Obama.
你们不会忘了这回事吧？
You forget that shit, don’t you?
民众认为布♥什♥太烂了 “也许这个黑人可以给我们答案”
Bush was so bad that people said,
“Hey, maybe this black guy has the answers.”
就黑人史而言 我认为民众忽略了布♥什♥的贡献
I think people overlook George Bush’s contributions to black history.
乔治布♥什♥是个黑人♥民♥权革命斗士
George Bush is a black revolutionary.
马尔科姆艾克斯 罗莎帕克斯和乔治布♥什♥
Malcolm X, Rosa Parks, George Bush.
我们有必要在精华音乐节上 向他们致敬
They need to honor him at the Essence Festival.
特朗普的政策搞不好行得通 仔细想想
It might work out, man. Think about it.
布♥什♥太烂了 于是奥巴马出现了
Bush was so bad he gave us Obama.
特朗普也太烂了
Shit, Trump’s so bad…
他搞不好会带来耶稣
he gonna give us Jesus.
“耶稣 你怎么来了？” “你看到特朗普了吗？”
“Jesus, what you doing here?” “You seen Trump?”
大事不妙了
This shit is serious.
Oh, man.
主耶稣 我正在努力整理人生
Jesus. I’m trying to get my life together, man.
I’m trying to get a little religion in my life.
希望能为人生注入一点宗教信仰
只要一点
Just a little.
一点就行了
Just a little.
宗教好比如盐
Religion is kinda like salt.
撒一小撮刚刚好 太多就变味了
A sprinkle is good, but too much will fuck up the meal.
我非常希望能在 上帝找到我之前先找到祂
I mean, I’m basically trying to find God before God finds me.
毕竟上帝不会在快乐的时候找上门
But, God never finds you at a good time.
祂不会在我们坐在 尼克斯队球赛的场边座位上
You’re never sitting court side at a Knick game….
一边享受哈莉贝瑞为我们手♥淫♥时出现
getting a hand job from Halle Berry, and…
上帝不会在那一刻出现说： ”她的手艺不错吧？
God shows up. “She strokes a good dick, don’t she?
我就创造了她 也创造了你的鸡♥巴♥
I made her. I made your dick too.
尽情观赏比赛吧”
Enjoy the game.”
上帝不曾在这种时刻出现
God never shows up at those times.
上帝只会在你坐牢期间 被强♥暴♥时才会出现
No, God shows up after you’ve been raped in jail.
而且罪行只是没有缴付泊车费
And you’re in jail for parking tickets.
假如是因为谋杀罪而锒铛入狱
Now, if you in jail for murder,
后来被人强♥暴♥ 我们会认为自己罪有应得
and somebody’s raping you, you’re like, “Ok, I guess this is what I deserve.
毕竟自己真的杀了人
I did kill somebody.
如今被人爆菊花
Now somebody is killing my ass.
尽管爆吧
Rape on.”
但假如我们只是 因为没有缴付泊车费而入狱
But if you in jail for parking tickets,
结果还被人爆菊花
and somebody’s fucking you in your ass,
我们会觉得…
you’re like,
“我当时应该把车移走才是
“I should’ve moved that car.”
我到底在想什么？
“What was I thinking?
我还以为那天是受难节
I thought it was Good Friday.
复活节的日子每年不同”
They keep moving Easter.”
所以我才努力 在上帝找到我之前找到祂
Trying to find God before God finds me.
最近媒体经常报导与宗教有关的新闻
You know, lotta religion in the news, man.
每次打开新闻频道 就在播报宗教极端分子的新闻
You ever watch the news, they’re always talking about religious extremists.
“我们在与极端分子抗争”
We’re at war with extremists.
极端分子？如何定义宗教极端分子？
Extremists. What is a religious extremist?
宗教极端分子是指极度相信上帝的人
A religious extremist is a person that extremely believes in God.
你以为自己相信上帝？ 才怪 他们才是极度相信上帝的人
You think you believe in God. No, they extremely… believe in God.
“上帝会在周三返回人世
Like, “God coming back on Wednesday.
时间是2点20分 我手上有入场券
At 2:30, I got tickets.
届时《幻想曲》会响起
Fantasia is opening for him.
听说查理威尔森会出现”
I hear Charlie Wilson might stop by.”
没错 宗教极端分子 是指极度相信上帝的人
That’s right. Religious extremists extremely believe in God.