Yeah. You guys from Oprah? Yes, sir.
她真的会来吗？随时出现
She’s really gonna be here? Any time now.
好吧，随你的意思架机器吧
Okay, well, just, you know, set up anywhere.
行，走吧，伙计们
Will do. Let’s go, guys.
好的，开始动工！
All right. Let’s set up over here, guys.
敲门了吗？你被足球队开除了
Knock much? You got kicked off the team.
是谁想要当父母的！
Well, look who decided to be a parent!
你这是什么态度，查理
Let’s check that attitude, Charlie.
都市不适合我，我要回中部去
I don’t fit in this town, Dad. I’m going back to Midland.
你不准休学或离开这个家
You are not dropping out of school, and you are not walking out on this family.
什么家？
What family?
自从我们搬来后，每人都想出人头地
Since we moved here, everybody’s been looking out for number one
尤其是你和妈妈
Especially you and Mom.
我们这么做都是为了大家好
Your mother and I are doing what we think is best for everyone.
哇，哇，你不是为我们接受教练工作
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You did not take this coaching job for us.
只因为你在大学是个失败者
You took this because you were a loser in college
而沙克是超级明星
While Shake was being a superstar.
如果你想功成名就，爸爸
If you want your shot at glory, dad,
如果你想拥有一切，尽管去做吧
If you wanna have it all, you do what you gotta do.
但别用“快乐和坚强的家庭” 这种屁话来唬弄我们
But quit feeding us this line about being a happier and stronger family.
搬家全是因为你！你知道吗？
This move was about you! And you know what?
我不需为你的选择而牺牲，我要走了
I don’t have to sit here and pay the price for your life choices. I’m leaving.
不准走
You’re staying.
你要威胁我吗？
Are you gonna make me?
查理，我爱你
Charlie, I love you.
我要你拥有最好的生活
I want you to have the best life you can have.
这表示必须得到文凭
And that means you’re getting a diploma.
我一毕业就走
When I graduate, I’m gone.
嘿，查理，我看起来上镜吗？
Hey, Charlie, am I looking okay for national TV?
你知道吗，搬来后变成了混♥蛋♥！
You know, you turned into a jerk when we moved here!
搬来后每个人都变成了混♥蛋♥
Everybody turned into a jerk when we moved here.
查理？
Charlie?
妈妈回来了！
Mom’s home!
妈妈！妈妈！
Mommy! Mommy!
妈妈，别再离开我们了！
Mommy! Never go away again!
好了，老妈，最新情报，我想死你了，亲爱的
Mom, listen up. Here’s the sizzle. I missed you, honey.
好吧，爸爸已经濒临崩溃边缘
Okay, Dad is stressed to the point of a total meltdown.
查理快进少儿劳♥教♥所了，而马克…
Charlie’s like a half a step away from juvie, and Mark’s
欧普拉快到了，我们待会再说这些
Okay. Oprah’s coming. We’ll talk about it later. Here we go.
无论如何，大家都要准备好
Whatever. I just wanna get everything ready.
查理怎么了？很好，谢谢，你好吗？
What’s the deal with Charlie? Fine, thanks. How are you?
抱歉，嗨，嗨，查理被足球队开除了
I’m sorry. Hi. Hi. Charlie got kicked off the football team.
什么？别担心，我会处理这件事
What? Don’t worry. I’m handling it.
沙克，盖哈德校长
Shake. President Gerhard.
汤姆，汤姆，我需要一分钟
Tom. Tom, we need a minute.
豆子，别死
Please don’t die, Beans.
大学想对球队加码投资
The university is prepared to make an investment in the program
但我们需要一些保证
But we want some assurances.
什么意思？
What does that mean?
你是否会全力训练球队？
We wanna know you’re committed to the football program.
决定谁主外，谁主内
You have to decide who’s making the bacon and who’s cooking it.
汤姆，你的决定如何？
So what’s it gonna be, Tom?
汤姆，我的干洗衣服拿回来了吗？
Tom, didn’t you pick up my dry cleaning?
是的，亲爱的，在前面的衣柜里
Yes, dear. It’s in the front closet.
好的，我想太太已经回答了这个问题了
Well, I guess the wife just answered our question.
我太太的名字叫凯特，沙克
The wife’s name is Kate, Shake.
果然是根大棍
What a wiener.
星期一回答我，会议结束
We want an answer by Monday, Tom. This meeting’s over.
我没事
I’m all right.
我爱你
I love you.
我去准备
I’m gonna go get ready.
抱歉，爸爸
Sorry, Dad.
怎么回事？
What’s this?
汉克在此过夜，有问题吗？
Hank slept over. Do you have a problem with that?
对，有问题！这个家是普遍级
Yes, I have a problem with that! This house is G-rated.
等等，老大，诺拉成人了
Whoa, chief. Look, Nora’s a big girl.
现在这个时候…
Now would be an excellent time…
最好给我闭上你的鸟嘴
For you to be very, very quiet
“老大！”
Chief!
现在，穿好衣服下楼来
Now, get dressed and get downstairs.
我只是，我只是不相信，你怎么把家里搞得乌烟瘴气的
I just I can’t believe you let things get this bad around here.
我不相信， 我还能说什么？
I can’t believe it. What can I say?
你挑了最佳时机去发展事业
You didn’t pick the perfect moment to have a career.
好，好，咱们打开天窗说亮话
Oh, okay, yeah. I’m not even gonna touch that hypocrisy.
你跟我说尽管去纽约，我能处理
You told me to go to New York. Mr. I Can Handle It.
“交给我，万事OK，去吧”帮我下，难道不是吗？
“Everything’ll be okay. Go, Kate!” Help me, would you?
难道你不想去纽约？
So you’re telling me you didn’t want to go to New York?
不，我要很多东西，你也是
No. I want a lot of things. So do you.
这是问题所在，这样不行
That’s the problem. This isn’t working.
对呀，我就是这么想，我是指拉链
Yeah. That’s my point. I meant the zipper.
让我们先过了这一关再说，好吗？
Let’s just get through the next hour, okay?
好，好
Fine. Fine.
我知道今天是个难关
Okay, everybody. I know it’s been a difficult day
但是我希望你们所有人，脸上都带着微笑
But I need all of you, and I would appreciate it if you could just put on happy faces.
每个人都高兴点，我们是个快乐的大家庭
Everything’s great. We’re a big, happy family.
记住我告诉你们要对欧普拉
If you can remember the lines I told you to say to Oprah.
说好听的话
Love your hair, things like that
如果记不住，就什么都别说，笑开心点，我看看你们
If you can’t remember, don’t say anything. Big smiles. Let me see ’em.
妈妈，我的豆子死了
Mom, Beans is dead.
谁理你的笨青蛙，快递送来的
Nobody cares about your stupid frog, FedEx. Okay.
别那样叫我！
Stop calling me that!
你不敢那样叫他！
Don’t you dare call him that!
好吧！嘿！住手！住手！
All right! Hey! Stop it! Stop it!
今天的主题是什么？
What’s the name of this segment again?
“一个快乐的大家庭”
Uh, “One Big Happy Family.”
我得马上告诉欧普拉的人员
Okay, I’m calling Oprah’s people right now.
我是说，家人一定会如此
All I’m saying is, families are inevitable.
就像死亡和税金一样不可避免
It’s like death or taxes.
你的意思是你不想生小孩？
Does that mean you don’t want children?
离他远点！
Leave him alone! Hello!
喂！看看他们，跟怪物一样！
Look at these They’re monsters!
亲爱的，你无法接受才和我在一起呀
Honey, you can’t want this. That’s why you’re with me.
诺拉，过来！这里需要帮忙！
Nora! Come on! We need you down here!
你弄乱我的头发！住手！
You’re stepping on me! Stop!
尼格，放开你哥哥的头！
Nigel, get off your brother’s head!
放手，没有人关心我！
Get off me! Nobody cares about me!
没有人关心我！马克，怎么回事？
Nobody cares about me! Mark, what’s going on?
马克！马克！
Mark! Mark!
你在说什么？我做的很完美
What are you talking about? I’m perfect!
我以前从没做过这样的事！不，从没有这样过！
I’ve never done anything like this before! No! None of that!
嘿，嘿，不，你不想下来
Hey! Hey! No, you do not want to come down here.
不，这是离幸福家庭最远的事
No, it’s the farthest thing from a happy family.
为什么我是家里唯一正常的人？
Why am I the only normal person in the family?
随意在沙发上睡
Feel free to sleep on the couch.
你真了解我
You read my mind.
爸爸，你会和妈妈离婚吗？
Daddy, are you and Mommy gonna get a divorce?
过来，对不起，对不起
Come here. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
马克走了
Mark’s gone.
马克走了？什么？
Mark’s gone. What?
嘿，爸爸
Hey, Dad.
我之前说的话太过分了
What I said before I was out of line.
不用道歉了
Forget it.
你没错
You were right.
喂
Hello.
马克离家出走，他在你那吗？
Hey, Mark ran away. Is he with you?
没在，我们会过来帮忙找
No. We’ll come help you look.
是我！
There’s me! Oh.
马克不见了
Mark’s missing. Oh.
超越极限，汤姆极限
Take it to the max. Tommy Max.
走吧
Let’s go.
我够帅