冒牌天神（2003）

Ally, can we get a recap?
埃莉 能再说一次吗?
You remember the Kowolskis? They’ve owned this shop for 30 years
还记得科洛斯基家族吗? 他们那店已经开了30年了
and they are attempting to set a record by making Buffalo’s largest cookie.
他们想打破水牛镇最大的曲奇的纪录
and you have to wear this. A hairnet?
你一定要戴上这东西 这发罩?
H.ealth Department.
为了公共卫生
You are kidding.
不要说笑了
If you’re around the cookie, you have to have it on.
你想要接近那曲奇你就得遵守规矩
I just did the hair.
我才做了这发型
The hair is perfect.
多好看
All right, give it to me.
好了好了 给我吧
God… why do you hate me?
上帝 你就这么恨我吗?
We’re rolling. And speed.
开始… 说话
For three decades, the Kowolski Bakery
三十年以来 科洛斯基自助餐厅
has been a mainstay in downtown Buffalo,
一直都是水牛镇中心的神话
known for their sinfully sweet, cream-filled Polski pierogies
他们以香甜美味的波兰式曲奇闻名
and the occasional sugar-induced coma that follows.
他们的饼令人再三回味
Today, in honor of their 30th anniversary,
今天 在他们的三十年店庆典礼上
they’ve invited us to ride along as they go for the record
他们邀请我们一同见证 他们将打破
on Buffalo’s biggest cookie.
水牛镇最大的曲奇的纪录
Vol. Do you need a tissue or something?
沃尔 要纸巾吗?
Can we get Vol a tissue? Or a spoon?
你要张纸巾吗? 还是要个勺子?
Good thing we’re wearing these.
我也戴上了这个
I wouldn’t want any stray hairs to fall into the booger.
以免我的头发掉在这破玩意上
We doing this again? No. We can cut to B roll.
这段会放出去吗? 不 我们会剪掉它
Moving on!
我们继续
Tell me, Mama, why make Buffalo’s biggest cookie?
老妈妈 告诉我 为什么你要做最大的曲奇饼?
Well, man from Health Department say he find rat pellet in our pastry.
这样的 卫生局的人来说 说他们在我的奶油里发现死老鼠
But I say no, is big chocolate sprinkle.
我说 那不是 那是一大块巧克力
But he shut store down.
但他还是封了铺
So we clean up,
那我们就搞干净
make big cookie for to bring customers back.
做一个大的曲奇饼 把客人揽回来
Well, I admire your candor.
嗯 你还真坦白
Let’s try that again, shall we?
我们要重新来一遍吗?
Tell me, Mama, why make Buffalo’s biggest cookie?
老妈妈 告诉我 为什么要做水牛镇最大的曲奇
So the children of the neighborhood will be happy.
这个大曲奇饼一定会令邻居的小孩很开心
It must be wonderful seeing the smiles on their little faces.
对 能看到他们的小脸上挂着微笑是多么美好
I work in back. I see no smiles.
我在厨房♥做事 看不到那些微笑
The previous record was 8 feet 7 inches, baked by Gladys Pelsnick.
现在的纪录是2.60米直径 是克拉丽斯所创造的
If this cookie beats that, it will prove
如果这块曲奇能比克拉丽斯的大 那就能证明
the Kowolskis have much more free time.
科洛斯基家族更加闲着无聊
And the cookie is… 1 0 feet, 4 inches!
这曲奇是… 3.14米!
We have a new record!
新纪录诞生了!
Cue the cheesy inspirational music!
来段破纪录的音乐!
But what are we really looking at here?
但是在这里你所发现的
Is it just a big cookie?
只是一个大曲奇吗?
Or does this cookie represent the pride of Buffalo?
还是一个水牛镇的骄傲的象征?
Its hard-working citizens the key ingredient
以市民的勤劳和忘我工作作为主材料
with a few nuts thrown in.
加上两块”傻瓜”
And finally, the love of our families,
最后 再加上家庭的爱
which provides the warm center,
温暖的亲情
making our beloved Buffalo the sweetest place to live.
令我们所爱的水牛镇成为一个宜人居住的地方
And that’s the way the cookie crumbles.
曲奇是这样制成的
I’m Bruce Nolan, Eyewitness News.
这里是布鲁斯·诺兰 直击新闻
And cut.
卡…
So what do you think?
觉得怎样?
It’s really good.
我觉得很好
It sucks. It’s a story about a cookie.
讨厌极了 一个曲奇的故事
The Pillsbury Doughboy would be riveted.
我看起来像个傻子
It made me laugh. Nothing wrong with making people laugh.
亲爱的 这很有趣 我都忍♥不住笑了 让人笑不好吗?
I’ll never be an anchorman.
但这样我永远不能成为电视台的主持
The job’s there, but I can’t reach it.
伸手可触 但我就是得不到
Every time they make me do this kind of stuff I have to act like a goof.
因为我老是在干这种事情 我要扮得像个傻瓜一样
I have no credibility. Not good.
人们觉得我不可靠 这一点也不好… 不好
Now you just sound silly. Forget it.
知道吗? 你说这话才像个傻瓜 算了
It’s not important. Let’s watch it one more time.
这不重要 对吗? 这不重要 我们再看一遍
No. Once more? Please?
噢 不 就一次 求你
No! You promised to help me with this photo album.
不要 布鲁斯 你答应过我会帮我整理照片的!
Now get your gooy butt over here.
把你那傻瓜的屁♥股♥摆这里来
Looking.
不要”嗯”
Just go through this stack and pick your favorites.
看看这一叠 把你最喜欢的挑出来
Come on. This is fun, right?
看这有趣 不是吗?
Isn’t this fun? This is nice.
真有趣 这张不错
Evan’s going to get that anchor job.
如果我能够成为主持人
Bruce! He’s the favorite.
布鲁斯! 这才是我最喜欢的
You know what? Just forget it. This is just our life.
算了 算了 这就是我们的生活
We can always just have some kid do it for us.
或许生个小孩来整理吧
Hold the phone.
噢 别挂线
I like this one. Our weekend at the lake.
我喜欢这张 我们在湖边的周末
That’s supposed to be in our private stash.
这是我的私人珍藏
You look perky. Must have been cold. Give it to me.
没有穿衣服啊 一定很冷吧 还给我
I think I’ll put this on my computer.
我要把它扫描进电脑里当壁纸
Give it to me. Come on. No!
好了 还给我! 不不不
Fine. Do with it what you will.
好了 你想干什么随便
I don’t care.
我不理了
I will do with it what I will. Jesus.
我会的 上帝啊
I might even send this in to Playboy.
我会把它送到”花♥花♥公♥子♥”去
Their layouts can be quite tasteful. Give that to me right now!
听说他们也刊登读者来照 马上还给我
Rough stuff. I’m going to hurt you.
专业打手! 抓住我!
Sweetie? Time to get up.
亲爱的 要起床了
Good dream. No.
不要 我还在做梦
The Buffalo Sabres lost again last night to the Toronto Maple Leafs.
水牛镇剃刀队昨晚又输一场 他们对阵多伦多枫叶队
Of course they did. They’re my team.
是我支持的球队 当然输了
That’s the way the cookie crumbles.
曲奇是这样制成的
There might be something to this cookie line.
我想这句曲奇对白不错
The greatest anchors have a signature sign-off. Like Walter Cronkite.
每个台柱都有自己的口头禅 像沃尔特·克朗凯特
And that’s the way it was.
钢铁是这样炼成的
That’s the way the cookie crumbles.
曲奇是这样炼成的
That’s the way I like it
这个就是 啊哈 我喜欢这样
Oh, no.
噢 惨了
Grace, the dog! I’m in the shower!
格雷斯 你的狗! 我在洗澡!
No, Sam. Bad dog.
坏狗狗!
Inside, bad. Outside, good.
里面不行 外面行
You’re done now. Great.
已经拉完了? 好极了
B-E-A-utiful.
泼…伊…傲… 漂亮
Come on. Let’s go back in and have a shit.
来 我们进去拉屎
What is the dillio? We are having a blood drive.
那是在干什么? 在搞献血活动
Needles. Yuck. They need my blood.
拿针扎人 他们需要我的血
I have a very rare blood type. I’m AB positive.
我的是小血型 AB+型
Really? I’m IB positive.
是吗? 我的是IB+型
I B positive they ain’t touching me with no needle. It’s just so…
他们不敢拿针动我 这真是… 有意义
Helpful and lifesaving? No. It’s blood.
可以救人一命 不 这些是血
Blood is supposed to stay inside the body, where it’s meant to be.
血是应该在体内流动的 这才能叫血
Besides, they stockpile this stuff in a warehouse, it’s all on ice,
但这些人 他们把血装起来再放到什么室里倒掉
and they say there’s a shortage.
然后他们就说缺血
Where did you hear that?
不是这样的 你哪里听回来的?
From a friend of a friend
从一个政♥府♥高♥官♥的姨妈的弟弟的侄女
of a girl whose sister is going out with someone in the government.
的同学的同事的女友的朋友那里听回来的
For your protection, I cannot discuss it.
但我今天不能跟你讨论这问题了
Now get out, before they see us together.
出去吧 趁他们还没见到我们在一起
Here. You need these more than I do.
等等 你比我更需要这个
What is “these”?
这个是什么?
Prayer beads. The kids made them for me.
护身符 一个小孩做给我的
They will keep you safe. I hope they’re powerful.
能保你平安 最好它真能带来奇迹
I’m going to need a friggin’ miracle to get to work on time.
否则我赶不及上班了
This isn’t happening. Not now. Not during sweeps week.
不是吧 别这样对我 别在这种时候 别在这种时候这样对我!
Oh, God.
上帝
Yup, meeting started without me.
好了 开会了 我赶不上了
This is my luck.
这就是我的命!
Come on.
快! 快! 快!
Jesus.
上帝啊