谢谢，谢谢. 如果你今晚晚饭吃得太多…
Thank you, thank you.
Oh, if you overate too much tonight,
我这儿有首不错的歌♥ 女同胞们能听懂，名字是“胃”
I got a great song that the paisans would understand. It’s “Agita”.
一，二！
Una, two…!
胃，我的朋友 来自限制地带
当我吃东西时 他都会得到热情款待
他每一餐都吃得很开心 喜欢我吃的每一口饭
胃，我的朋友 来自限制地带
有人喜欢吃批萨 有人喜欢吃牛杂
还有人喜欢在食物上辣椒
当你特别想吃巴卡拉的时候
突然你想到 “我是不是应该问问我的老朋友”
我可爱的，可爱的女人 我不喜欢看她哭
但当我开始吃东西时 我开始变坏
我的食欲变得强烈 该死的老朋友
然后我从女人那里得到满足 che de botts a na sciatta
胃，我的朋友 来自限制地带
当我吃东西时 他都会得到热情款待
他每一餐都吃得很开心 喜欢我吃的每一口饭
胃，我的朋友 来自限制地带
我们应该试试关于迈阿密的笑话 在佛罗里达就应该开迈阿密的玩笑
We got to do Miami jokes. If you’re in Florida, you do Miami jokes.
默笛，我试过迈阿密笑话 我已经不知道什么才有效果过了
Morty, I tried Miami jokes. I don’t know what works anymore.
-为什么？出了什么事？ -记得我讲过的那个笑话大迈阿密吧？
– Why? What happened? – I got that big Miami joke that I do.
说宾馆很贵 要很多钱的那个…
About the hotels being expensive
…住一晚要150美元 我问服务员，“有没便宜点的？”
and how much it costs to stay – like $150 a day for a sleeping room.
I said to the clerk, “What’s cheaper?”
他回答说，“有10块一晚的， 不过得自己铺床”
He said, “I got a room for $10, but you make your own bed.”
说着他给了我一把锤子和几颗钉子. 就是那个笑话
I said, “I’ll take it”, so he gave me a hammer, a board and some nails.
-这笑话很好啊，挺好笑的. -红了好几年了.昨天晚上没用了
– That’s the joke. – It’s a good joke. It works.
It’s been working for years. Last night it died.
真的吗？
Really?
听众们坐在那儿 跟坐在油锅上似的
That audience sat there like they were an oil painting.
我也不知道原因 平常我讲这个笑话都挺管用
I don’t know why. Always works when I do it.
你讲过那个笑话？ 可能我就是从你那听来的
– You do that joke? – All the time.
Maybe that’s where I got it from.
当我在纽约开始干这行的时候….
When I broke into this business in New York,
…光在这个城里 我每年可以表演12-20周
I could play at least 12 to 20 weeks a year without leaving the city.
-《这里是拉丁地盘》… -《磁娃娃》
– There was the Latin Quarter… – The China Doll.
-《磁娃娃》… -《皇后的礼服》
– China Doll… – Queen’s Terrace.
-《玩弄林萌大道》… -《泽西种乳牛》呢？《公共马车》…
– Played the Boulevard… – What about Jersey? The Stagecoach…
– 《点街灯的灯夫》 -《里维埃拉》，比尔 米勒的
Lamplighters, Bill Miller’s.
看你干得多出色.你去了华盛顿 而我去了巴尔的摩
– Riviera, Bill Miller’s. – Look how far you have to go.
You went to Washington last week. I went to Baltimore.
-你今天得需要好轮胎才行. -或者需要一辆好车
You gotta have good tyres to work today.
Or a good car.
第一次去见The Seventh Veil时 给人留下的第一印象
The first impression I ever did, I went to see “The Seventh Veil”,
我并不想被人当做印象主义者 我试着模仿英式口音
and I didn’t even want to become an impressionist.
What I was trying to do was develop an English accent.
那时我根本没想模仿 詹姆士 曼森
The idea of impersonating James Mason was the furthest thing from my mind,
结果给人留下了…这样的印象 于是之后我开始一直这样
and out came this impression and I’ve been doing impressions ever since.
-但这些都是表面的东西，不是吗？ -之后我又模仿了几周毕加索
But this thing is all in the mask, right?
And then I did Picasso for a few weeks.
知道第一次我见你 模仿曼森吗？
You know the first time I saw you do Mason?
那是在赛丽文演出的后台 你表演得非常好
It was backstage at the Sullivan show. You were brilliant.
我当时和丹尼 罗斯在一起. 记得丹尼 罗斯吗？
I was there with Danny Rose. Remember Danny Rose?
他在管理演员-当经理人- 一个只有一条腿的踢踏舞者
He was handling an actor – the manager –
he was handling an actor and a one-legged tap-dancer.
这是他的拿手好戏 丹尼 罗斯，没错，他是最棒的
It was his normal handling. Danny Rose. Yeah. Oh, he’s the best.
我能说句话吗？ 能让我说说我的想法吗？
May I say one word?
Might I just interject one concept at this juncture?
你在给阵亡日那个周末 找表演演员
You’re looking for somebody for Memorial Day weekend.
我的瞎子木琴手行不？ 他是最合适的人选
My blind xylophone player, OK? The man would be perfect for your room.
-算了吧. -菲利，能听我把话说完不？
– Ah, forget it. – Philly, will you please hear me out?
那很帅，非常迷人
The man is a beautiful man. He’s a fantastic individual.
我的旅馆里住了犹太老人 他们也是瞎子
My hotel gets old Jewish people. They’re blind.
-他们又不会花钱来看瞎子. -算了吧
– They ain’t gonna pay to see a blind guy. – All right, all right. So, forget that, then.
赫比 杰森的小鸟怎么样？ 赫比 杰森的小鸟
How about Herbie Jayson’s birds? Herbie Jayson’s birds.
它们用嘴弹钢琴 多好玩的节目啊
They’re little birds. They peck tunes out on a piano.
It’s a beautiful thing.
我的独腿踢踏舞者呢？ 让他参加周末表演吧？
What about my one-legged tap-dancer? Take him for a weekend.
-我的独臂戏法艺人. -他们不适合我的旅馆！
– All right, my one-armed juggler. – Not for my hotel!
好吧，卢 卡诺瓦怎么样. 我的意大利歌♥手，他非常出色
All right, what about Lou Canova, my Italian singer? He’d be great.
卢 卡诺瓦不爱说话，胖，脾气还不好. 而且还有酗酒的毛病
Lou Canova’s a dumb, fat, temperamental has-been with a drinking problem.
我的老天！ 艾迪 克拉克的企鹅呢？ 艾迪 克拉克的企鹅怎样？
Jesus! What about Eddie Clark’s penguin?
That’s a perfect… Eddie Clark and his penguin.
企鹅装成犹太学者在台上滑冰 好有意思啊，还有胡子
The penguin skates on the stage dressed as a rabbi.
It’s hilarious. The penguin’s got a beard like a…
跟你说吧，让桑尼蔡斯演吧. 他是你最好的演员了
I’ll tell you what, Danny. Give me Sonny Chase.
-他又肥又好笑. -我不和桑尼蔡斯合作了
He’s the best act you got. He’s fast, he’s funny…
什么时候开始的？
– I don’t handle Sonny anymore. – Since when?
说来话长.是我发现他的. 他睡在我的沙发上，我支持他表演
Oh! It’s a long story, Philly.
I discovered the kid. He slept on my sofa. I supported him.
我不想说他坏话. 他是个可怕的，不道德不诚实的寄生虫
I don’t wanna bad-mouth the kid, but he’s a horrible, dishonest, immoral louse.
-我没有诋毁他的意思. -我知道，丹尼
And I say that with all due respect.
-他们稍稍有点名就离你而去. -我就是这意思！相信我，菲利…
I know, Danny. They get a little success and leave you.
That’s my point! Believe me, Philly…
要是我棒红的这些演员还跟着我. 现在我早发了
If I had all the acts in this business that I started that made it, I’d be a rich man.
我也想帮你，不过温斯丁的宏伟平房♥区 是个上档次地方
I’d like to help you, Danny,
but Weinstein’s Majestic Bungalow Colony is a classy place, and I need a classy act.
-我需要上档次的表演 -我知道，所以我想让你见见这个人
That’s why I wanna show you this lady.
她发明了这种演奏方法 很了不得
She is the Jascha Heifetz of this instrument.
菲利，你一定得看看这个. 很神奇
She is really something.
You gotta see this, Philly. It’s absolutely incredible.
从来没学过 这些都是自已琢磨出来的
Never took a lesson. Self-taught!
我发誓，菲利， 明年她就能去卡内基礼堂表演了
Next year, Philly, my hand to God, she’s gonna be at Carnegie Hall.
但现在我她在你这儿表演 老价钱，行不？
But you, I’ll let you have her now at the old price, OK?
你想给什么价就什么价. 什么都行
Which is anything you wanna give me, anything at all, Philly.
-我记得那个女的. -我从没见过这样的表演
I remember that woman that played the glasses.
You have never seen acts like this in your life.
他为这些表演操尽了心
This guy would work his tail off for these acts.
如果他看上一个表演 他就会全力以赴
If he believed in an act, he would go all out.
丹尼，我的合伙人要我从 猎狗开始表演…
Danny, my partner wants me to open up with the dachshund,
但我觉得应该从 天鹅或者是长颈鹿开始
but I think I should open up with the swan or the giraffe.
天鹅很漂亮，能吸引观众. 要不…这种动物怎么样？
The swan is pretty and it fascinates the people.
Or… have an animal of this type.
我觉得你的合伙人是正确的. 你应该先做狗，再改成长颈鹿
Ah… I think your partner’s right.
You should open up with the dachshund
and then you should move on and build to the giraffe.
以长颈鹿结尾 那样反响会更大
Close with the giraffe ’cause it’s got more impact.
是吗？
Really?
如果你听我的， 你的气球表演节目将会是最棒的
If you take my advice, you’ll be one of the great balloon-folding acts of all time.
我觉得你不仅仅能在 下流的娱乐场合表演气球节目
‘Cause I don’t see you just folding these balloons in joints.
要是你听我的， 你以后就能在大学里表演
You listen to me, you’re gonna fold these balloons at universities and colleges.
你还将在百老汇表演 蛇和大象的制♥作♥
You’re gonna make your snail and your elephant on Broadway.
但有一点要记好. 在你上台之前…
But the thing to remember is before you go out on stage,
…一定要站在镜子前 对自己说三个注意事项
you gotta look in the mirror and you gotta say your three S’s:
要有明星样，微笑， 表演要有力
Star, smile, strong.
要有明星样，微笑， 表演要有力
Star, smile, strong.
-丹尼以前当过演员. -喜剧演员
– You know, Danny used to be a performer. – He was a comic.
他在卡茨基尔表演. 他从别人那里学笑话，讲老笑话
He worked the Catskills. He did all the old jokes and stole from everybody.
他就是你想象中的那种 搞笑艺人
He was exactly the kind of comic you’d think he’d be.
上帝保佑你，亲爱的. 宝贝，问你的问题，你多大了？
God bless you, darling. Let me ask you a question, sweetheart.
– How old are you? – 81.
-81. -81岁，很令人吃吧？
81 years old. Isn’t that fantastic? No, really. She’s 81.
不，我说真的.她81 真不错，我是说真的
It’s fantastic. I mean that.
难以相信，你看起来绝不超过80岁. 我说真的
Unbelievable. You don’t look a day over 80. No, I mean it.
我刚刚开玩笑的. 我爱你.你真的很美
I’m just kidding, darling, really. I love you. You’re really beautiful.
你什么星座的？
What sign are you, darling? Do you know what sign you are?
-什么？ -她说她是“什么”座的，非常好
– What? – She says, “What?” She’s great.
我今天是开车过来的. 我喜欢开车
But I drove up here today. I love driving.
你可以在路上看到很多有趣的事. 我看到一桩可怕的事故
You run across so many interesting people.
And I saw a terrible accident.
两辆出租车相撞了. 死了30个苏格兰人
Two taxi cabs collided. 30 Scotchmen were killed.
他停止演出是因为 卡茨基尔山的演出
I tell you something – the reason he stopped doing his act
is because he was working the Catskill Mountains.
听众都是超过80岁的老人
Nobody in the audience is under 80 years old.
他上台表演的时候 让两个人犯了心脏病
He’s on stage, doing his act, two people get heart attacks.
所以自然而然 他成了个人经理人
So, naturally he became a personal manager.
要是你能当好演员 就当个人经理人
What else? Yeah, that’s right.
You can’t do a good act, you become a personal manager.
不过他演得很投入 大家都很喜欢他
But his acts were so devoted. They loved him.
现在哪里还找得到 他这么投入的表演？
Where you gonna find that kind of devotion today?
关于丹尼 罗斯最有趣的故事 是他给一个催眠士当经理人的故事
The funniest Danny Rose story is the time he’s handling a hypnotist.
他让那个人在卡茨基尔山 表演
A hypnotist! He’s got the guy working the Catskill Mountains,
那个催眠师带来了个犹太老太太 准备催眠她
and the hypnotist brings up this little old Jewish lady and hypnotises her.
泰茜！ 泰茜！
Tessie! Tessie…!
-身体还是热的，这是个好现象. -是啊，好现象
– The body is warm. It’s a good sign. – Yes, that’s a good sign.
泰茜！ 泰茜！
Tessie! Tessie!
我保证， 如果你的妻子再也醒不了的话…
I promise you, if your wife never wakes up again,
…你想吃什么我就请你吃什么. 行不？
I will take you to any restaurant of your choice, OK?
你喜欢中国菜吗？