爆炸新闻

说他在政♥治♥上方方面面
How he’s an exhibitionist in every aspect
-都爱出风头 -天呐
– of how he presents himself politically. – Oh, my God.
你只能找到这样的吗
Is she the best you can do?
比尔·夏恩让我们给她一次尝试机会…
Bill Shine asked us to give her a try, so…
好了 别跑题 回到移♥民♥问题
Okay, let’s not lose focus. Back to immigration.
天呐
Oh, my gosh.
我不能被开除
I can’t get fired.
这是我唯一想要的工作
This is the only job I have ever wanted.
我不是想上电视 我想上福克斯新闻
I don’t wanna be on TV, I wanna be on Fox.
我的家人 每天
My family, every day,
每个休息日 尤其是休息日
every holiday, especially holidays,
都看福克斯新闻
they watch Fox News.
我们就像上了瘾一样
We’re like addicts.
看福克斯就是我们的做礼拜
Fox is how we do church.
-当角落图标转动 -台标
– You know when they made the corner logo turn… – The bug.
因为”福克斯”就像烙在了人们的电视机中
because folks had “Fox” burned into their TV screens?
我们就是那样
That’s us.
凯拉 你不会被开除
Kayla, you’re not getting fired.
他控制不住自己的怒气
He cannot scale his anger.
他就是个愤怒永动机
He’s a perpetual outrage machine.
所以疯子们喜欢他 不是说你的家人
That’s why crazies love him. No offense to your family.
你想负责资料吗 不能在福克斯哭
You want to do the folders? No crying at Fox.
不能哭
No crying.
我来跟你说一下你犯的错误
Let me explain your mistake here.
拉什是汉尼提团队的
So, Rush is on Hannity’s team.
他们是竞争对手 是共和党的走狗
They’re the competition. They’re GOP party hacks.
所以他觉得自己高高在上
So, he thinks he’s way ahead of them,
去找德拉吉和布赖特巴特偷师 别找谈话节目
so steal from Drudge and Breitbart, not talk radio.
好的
Okay.
还有 别再担心报道真不真实
Also, stop worrying if the story’s legit.
如果找不到新闻来源
If you can’t source it,
就说”有人说”
just go with, “Some are saying.”
真的吗
Seriously?
你得拿出爱尔兰街头警♥察♥的心态
You have to adopt the mentality of an Irish street cop.
世衰道微 人心不古
The world is a bad place, people are lazy morons,
少数族裔犯事作乱
minorities are criminals,
性♥爱♥很恶心 却很有趣
sex is sick, but interesting.
问问自己 “什么东西会吓着奶奶
Ask yourself, “What would scare my grandmother,
或气死爷爷”
“Or piss off my grandfather?”
那就是福克斯的新闻 你在记吗
And that’s a Fox story. Are you writing this down?
这样就说得通了
It makes so much sense.
-恐吓 激怒 -好的
– Frighten, titillate. – Right.
恐吓 激怒 恐吓 激怒
Frighten, titillate. Frighten, titillate.
报道的开始 得需要一个明确的反派
When you’re starting the story, you need to start with a clear villain.
自♥由♥派法官 没头脑市长
Liberal judge, pinhead mayor,
佛蒙特 好莱坞
Vermont, Hollywood.
保守派想恪守保守主义
Conservatives want to conserve.
宝贝 你是抵御
You’re the last defense
恨耶稣 爱变性
against Jesus-hating, trans-loving,
被克♥林♥顿♥控制的末日审判的最后一道防线
Clinton-controlled Armageddon, baby.
拜托
Come on.
有些理念你还是信的吧
You do believe some of that, right?
当然
Yeah.
你的脸真漂亮
That’s quite a face you have.
真的吗
Really?
谢谢你
Thank you.
我喝醉了
I’m drunk.
我也醉了
I’m drunk as well.
你家有希拉里海报
You have a Hillary poster in your house.
好像是的
I guess I do.
如果我带回家一个民♥主♥党
Okay, my parents would be horrified
我父母肯定要吓死
if I went home with a Democrat.
女同关系就不会吗
The lesbianism, however?
我不是女同
I’m not a lesbian.
我不是民♥主♥党
I’m not a Democrat.
我只是厨房♥贴了两张希拉里的超大海报
I just have two giant Hillary posters in my kitchen.
是贴着玩的吧
As a joke, though, right?
不 她就是我心目中的总统人选
No. That’s who I’d like to be the President.
你说真的吗
Are you serious?
我是个没出柜的民♥主♥党
I’m a closeted Democrat.
在福克斯新闻
At Fox News?
天 我以为你知道
Oh, my God. I thought that you knew that.
不 我不知道 有人知道吗
No, I didn’t know that. Does anyone know that?
你能不说出去吗 不能告诉别人
Can you not tell? You can’t tell anyone.
-我当然不会说出去 -我认真的
– Of course I won’t tell. – No, I’m so serious.
我能问你件事吗
Can I ask something?
你为什么在福克斯工作
Why do you work at Fox?
你为什么不去微软全国广播公♥司♥之类的地方工作
Why don’t you work at MSNBC or something?
我大概喜欢在逆境中背阳而生
I think I, like, thrive in toxic environments.
我永远分辨不出你是不是在开玩笑
I never know if you’re kidding or not.
开玩笑的
I am kidding.
我到处投简历 被福克斯录用了
I applied everywhere and I got a job at Fox.
然后我继续给其它地方投简历
And I keep applying to other places
他们一直不收我 因为我在福克斯工作
and they keep not taking me because I work at Fox.
天呐
Oh, my gosh.
没关系
It’s okay.
总有一天我会自♥由♥的
One day I’m gonna be free.
什么 也没那么糟吧
What? It’s not that bad.
对同性恋来说 确实挺糟糕的
If you’re gay, it’s pretty bad.
是啊 在福克斯的同性恋可不好做
Well, yeah, you don’t wanna be gay at Fox.
你为比尔·奥莱利工作却贴了希拉里海报
You work for Bill O’Reilly and you have a Hillary poster?
你知道他喜欢打给女制片人然后打飞机吧
You do know he likes to call up female producers and whack off, right?
比尔吗
Bill?
没错 比尔
Yes, Bill.
不知道
No.
你没听说安德莉亚·麦克里斯诉讼吗
You haven’t heard about the Andrea Mackris lawsuit?
-没有 -老天
– No. – Oh, my God.
这应该放在迎新包里
This should be in the welcome packet.
她是他的助理制片人之一
She was one of his associate producers.
他单独带上了她
He took her, and only her,
去参加共和党全国代♥表♥大♥会♥
to the Republican National Convention.
十一点给她打电♥话♥
Called her up at 11:00,
摸着自己
touching himself
跟她说他想怎么用他那老干豆干♥她♥
and telling her what he wanted to do to her with the old falafel.
你在说笑吗
Are you kidding?
网上有
It’s on the internet.
据说 之后”他给自己用了自♥慰♥棒”
And then, quote, “Using a vibrator upon himself.”
他从家里带了个自♥慰♥棒去参加大会
Like, he brought a vibrator from home to the convention?
对啊 参加大会
Yes, well, you have to bring
一定要从家里带个自♥慰♥棒去
a vibrator from home to the convention.
问题是 男人用自♥慰♥棒干什么
The question is, what does a man do with a vibrator?
把它放在老二旁边吗
Do you place it alongside the shaft?
我不想听这个
I don’t wanna hear that.
“去死吧 贱♥人♥”
“Fucking die, bitch.”
“如果被我看到你 你最好赶紧跑”
“If I see you, you better run.”
“如果我是你就不敢睡得太死”
“I wouldn’t be sleeping too soundly if I were you.”
特朗普对我宣战了
Trump’s lit the torches.
今晚就给你派安保
You’re getting security tonight.
我只想让这件事快点结束 罗杰
All I want is for this to go away, Roger.
听着 历史上每位将军
Look, every general in history
上战场时都有这样的感觉
has gone into battle feeling the same.
好吧
Right.
我会在节目前念一段声明 说
I’ll read a statement at the top, saying,
“是的 特朗普在攻击我 但我不打算回应”
“Yes, Trump is attacking me, but I’m not going to respond.”
你要替我做出回击
Any defense will come from you.
现在不行
Not right now.
你的观众电邮创了新纪录
You set a record on viewer email.
我猜猜
Let me guess.
没一封是挺我的
None of it on my side.
对
No.