我知道 你说得没错!
I know. You’re not kidding!
这是我给你的迎婴洗礼礼物
It’s, uh… my baby shower gift to you.
谢谢你
Why, thank you.

Yeah.
我姐姐要生第四个孩子了
So, my sister is expecting her fourth, so…
天呐 她真是个圣人
Oh, my God. She’s a saint.
她的确是
Yeah, she is.
我经常摸她肚子
And I’m always touching her belly.
很有舒缓作用
It’s calming.
是啊 是大自然耍的小花样
Yeah, it’s nature’s dirty little trick.
你姐姐住在萨克拉门托吗?
Is your sister in Sacramento?
是的 -是吗?
Yeah. – Yeah?
是的
Yeah.
那你呢?你在哪儿长大的?
What about you? Where did you– Where did you grow up?
斯托克顿城外
Oh, just outside of Stockton.
斯托克顿 -对
Stockton. – Yeah.
我们家是养马的 -在真的马场吗?
We raised horses. – On a real ranch?
我老爸是个真正的牛仔 -你就是从那里学来的…
Well, my daddy was a real cowboy. – That’s–That’s how you learned your…
什么? -…散♥弹♥枪♥技术
What? – …little shotgun trick.
是 我的童年很有趣
Yeah. I had an interesting childhood.
Hmm.
但托克顿离萨克拉门托不远
Ah, but Stockton wasn’t all that far from Sacramento.
不远 顺着99号♥高速过去
No. Just down 99.
99号♥高速 没错 -区别很大 是吗?
Just down Highway 99. – Worlds apart, right?
我们仍然可能在其他情况下认识
Still we could’ve met some other way.
当然
Sure.
我也有可能做你的保姆
Could have been your babysitter.
性感的保姆
My hot babysitter.
你这么说只是因为我们都快要死了
You’re… You’re only saying that ’cause we’re all gonna die.
或许吧
Possibly.
你们怎么那么幸运?
How did you guys get so lucky?
哈?
Huh?

Hi.
你们好
Hi, there.
好困
So sleepy.
所有顾客注意 请到第七排来
Attention, all shoppers, come to aisle seven, please.
我有一件很大的事要宣布
I have a?big, big, big, big, big announcement to make.
女士们先生们 请… -什么事?道格拉斯
Ladies and gentlemen, please… – Yes, Douglas.
我想借此机会发表祝酒词 敬我们大家
I would like to take this opportunity to make a toast to all of us…
因为我们一起让世界末日…
because all of us, collectively, are making the end of the world…
再一次美好!
great again! Yeah!
小鸟
Birdies.
你们这帮笨蛋到现在还不明白吗?
I mean, don’t you doofuses get it?
我可以待在这里
Uh, we could just stay here.
这里有我们一年的吃喝用品
We have a year’s supply of food and drink right here.
我们不用花钱 我们不应该走
We don’t ever have to pay and we shouldn’t ever leave.
那在格雷戈家里的人怎么办? 等着饿死吗?
And what are they gonna do at Greg’s? Starve?
比我们饿死好
Better them than us.
这里有我们生活需要的一切
We have everything we need to live here. Everything.
我们在统计学、逻辑和法律的角度上 没有任何理由回去
There is no statistical, logical, or legal argument for trying to get back there.
我给你个理由 我们不是混♥蛋♥
Here’s an argument: we’re not assholes.
我们不能待在这里
And we’re not staying.
怎么回事?
What is it?
查理 那里面是什么?
Somebody let me out of here. – Charlie, what’s behind there?
是装货码头
It’s a loading dock.
你好?
Hello?
让我进来
Please let me in.
大声点 我听不见
Speak up, I can’t hear you.
请让我进来
Please let me in.
遮住眼睛
Cover your eyes.
什么? -我要开门了
What? – I’m gonna open the door.
不行 -外面有个人
No. – There’s a person out there.
我一定要开
I have to open the door.

Okay.

Okay. Uh…

Okay.
你好 -你好
Hello? – Hello.
让我进来 我被困了
Please let me in. I’m trapped.
等等 鱼条 是你吗?
Wait, wait, wait. Is that… Fish Fingers, is that you?
查理 对 是我 -查理 谁是鱼条?
Charlie, yeah, it’s me. – Who’s Fish Fingers, Charlie?
他和我一起在这超♥市♥上班 他在海鲜部工作
He works here at the supermarket with me. He works in the seafood department.
他坐过牢 有点疯 但一直对我挺好的
He’s been to prison and he’s a bit crazy, but he’s always nice to me.
你是怎么进去的? -我…
How did you get there, man? – I got… I got…
他们骗了我
They tricked me!
他们是谁?
Who’s they?
你在指谁?你是一个人吗?
Who you talking about? Are you there alone?
他们骗了我 他们把我丢在这里等死
They tricked me and they left me to rot here.
谁把你丢在那里等死?你在说什么?
Who left you to rot? What are you talking about?
大伙 有事不对劲
You guys, there’s something wrong.
有事不对劲! -让我进来 我被困了
There’s something wrong!
– Please let me in. I’m trapped.
嘿 嘿 嘿
Hey. Hey. Hey.
你在干嘛?鱼条 你在干嘛呢?
What are you doin’, Fish Fingers? What are you doing, man?
朝它看 它想让你看到它 让我进来!
Look at it! It wants you to see it! Let me in!
他力气太大了 我挡不住他
He’s too strong. I can’t hold him.
让我进来!
Let me in!
妈的
Shit!
查理!
Charlie! Charlie! Charlie!
操!
Fuck! Ah!
查理 等等!
Charlie, wait!
看 查理 它很美
Look at it, Charlie. It’s beautiful.
查理? -查理!
Charlie? – Charlie!
查理! -查理!
Charlie! – Charlie!
妈的 -见鬼!
Oh, shit. – Oh, fuck.
天呐!
Fuck!
我们得走了
We gotta go.
我们得走了 快点 我们走
We gotta move. Come on. Let’s go.
快点离开这里
Let’s get out of here.
让我进来
Please. Please let me in.
那个人怎么还活着?
How is that guy alive in there?
让我进来
Please let me in.
费利克斯!
Hi, Felix!
天呐
Oh, my God.
看有好多东西
Look at all this stuff.
小鸟? -对
Birdies? – Yeah, they, uh…
它们会感觉到灵体靠近
They seem to sense when the creatures are around.
查理呢?
Where’s Charlie?
这样我就不用读他的小说了
Another novel I won’t have to read.
他救了我们 你这个混♥蛋♥
He saved us, you fucking asshole.
我知道你对我是什么看法 也知道大家对我的看法
I know what you think of me, what everybody thinks of me.
在离婚申请书上
You know, in the divorce petition…
我第一个妻子说 管我叫混♥蛋♥是对混♥蛋♥的侮辱
my first wife said that to call me a creep would be an affront to creeps everywhere.
我第二个妻子说她再也不怕下地狱
My second wife said she no longer feared going to hell,
因为地狱不可能比和我在一起还要差
’cause it couldn’t possibly be worse than being married to me.
我想她们很适合做我朋友
Think I would have loved them.
或许吧
Maybe.
后来我娶了莉迪亚
And then Lydia.
第三次婚姻可真是我的福气
Third time really was the charm for me.
她是我见过最善良的人
She was the kindest person I ever met.
可是她走了 而我还在 你知道为什么吗?
But I’m here and she’s gone. You know why that is?
因为最终这世上只剩两种人
Because, in the end, there are only two types of people.
一种是混♥蛋♥ 一种是死人
The assholes and the dead.
天呐 你听上去像我父亲
God, you sound like my father.
像你父亲?为什么?
Like your father? Why?
他是一个教导傻瓜的智者吗?
Was he a towering intellect given to dispensing wisdom to undeserving fools?
没错 也很会说风凉话
Yes, he was fluent in asshole as well.
像你一样 他做的所有事 都会归咎于一些大道理
And just like you, he blamed everything he did on some deeper meaning,
一些错综复杂的阴谋论
convoluted conspiracy theories and…
即使他明显错了 他还是会怪罪别人
how it was everybody else’s fault when he was clearly in the wrong.
但是当我和我妹妹发现
But, you know, once my sister and I realized it was just an excuse
这只是他对家人不好的借口后 我们想通了
to treat his family like shit, it made life a little easier.

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