冒牌老爸

或许你该先把嘴上的火鸡吃干净
Maybe you can also finish the turkey on your lip.
就是那儿
Right there.
来点Styx的音乐
Let’s crank up the Styx
比赛时不要放音乐
No music during the game.
-中场休息 放松 Herlihy先生 -该死的Jets队
-It’s halftime. Relax, Mr. Herlihy. -Goddamn Jets.
你来这儿干嘛 小可爱?
What are you doing in here, cutie?
看橄榄球
Watching football.
-你希望谁赢? -该死的Jets队
-Who do you want to win? -The goddamn Jets.
玩开心点
Have fun.
可惜你不喜欢泡妞 我认为你能钓到她
Too bad you don’t like girls. I think you could’ve had her.
-我渴 -你渴了?
-I’m thirsty. -You’re thirsty?
要什么? 你能喝苏打水吗?
Are you allowed soda?
不知道
I don’t know.
我妈总是说喝苏打水会蛀牙
My mom always said soda rots your teeth…
但你总要换牙的 所以蛀就蛀吧 对吧
…but you’ll lose them anyway, so rot on.
-给我们来两杯苏打水? -好的
-Can we get two root beers? -Sure.
刚从法律学校毕业的时候 我们每周一都来这儿看球
When I graduated law school, we met here every Monday to watch football.
谁和你一起?
Who would meet you?
我女朋友Vanessa
My friends, Vanessa.
Vanessa总是反对我喜欢的球队 让我难堪
Vanessa always rooted against the team I wanted to win just to bust my chops.
但现在每个人都在忙自己的事 都不过来了
But everybody’s so busy with their crap lately, no one comes.
你是说我不忙?
Like I’m not busy?
闭嘴 否则我像上周一样把你扔到墙上
Shut up or I’ll smack you through the wall like last Monday.
上周是你侥幸 来啊 娘们
Last Monday was a fluke. Bring it on, woman.
随时恭候
Anytime.
他喝了太多苏打水
He drinks a lot of soda.
我跟你说 兄弟 Vanessa她就是我的挚爱 我不能失去她
I’m telling you, buddy. Vanessa, she’s the one. I can’t lose her.
我不会变得更帅了
I’m not getting any handsomer.
每天我都在一点点变老变秃变肥
Every day I get a little bit older and balder and fatter.
变肥?
Fatter?
是啊 我像你这么大的时候 什么都能吃却不会增重
At your age I could eat anything. Wouldn’t gain an ounce.
而现在吃块巧克力 我屁♥股♥上的肥肉就能晃一星期
Now, I have a chocolate shake, my ass jiggles for a week.
-趁你新陈代谢还正常 好好享受吧 -新陈代谢?
-Enjoy the metabolism while you got it. -Metalobism?
老天 已经凌晨2:30了 你是不是吃了兴♥奋♥剂♥
Good God, it’s 2:30 in the morning. You must be wrecked.
不管怎么说 我今天挺开心 你开心吗?
Anyways, I had fun today. Did you have fun?
好 很不错
Yeah, you’re all right.
做个好梦
Have a good one.
能给我开盏夜灯吗?
Could I have a night-light?
夜灯? 我想可以 等等
Night-light? I think I can help you out. Hang on.
试试看
Let’s see here.
好了 行吗?
There you go, all right?
Sonny 你是我爸爸吗?
Are you my dad?
不 我不是 不过
No, I’m not, but…
爸爸妈妈的事早上我们会弄清楚的 好吗?
…that Dad and Mom thing we’ll figure out in the morning.
你乖乖睡觉吧
You just go to sleep.
-晚安 -晚安
-Good night. -Good night.
去把罐子捡回来 好吗?
Go get the can, okay?
上 上 上
Go! Go! Go!
我在考虑把这孩子留下
I’m thinking about keeping the kid.
记得我们一起去宠物店
Remember when we went to the pet store…
你想要那条小狗 但我提醒你以后要喂它
…and you wanted that puppy, but I reminded you about feeding it…
给它洗澡 还要训练它上厕所?
…cleaning it and toilet training it?
这和那差不多 只不过是个人
This is kind of like that, except with a human.
我的意思是 我很高兴你这么开心 不过这不是小事
I mean, I’m glad you had fun and all, but this is big.
我是要做点大事 我想Vanessa会对我肃然起敬的
I gotta do something big. I think Vanessa will respect that.
你是不是认为既然女人可以 靠怀孕来挽救关系
You think that since women get pregnant to fix a troubled relationship…
为什么男人不能通过收养小孩 达到同样目的?
…why can’t a guy adopt a kid to do the same?
我不是那样想的 不过 对 我是想达到这个目的
I didn’t think of it like that. But yes, that’s what I’m thinking.
听上去你是疯了 伙计 为你自己着想 好好考虑再决定
Sounds nuts to me, pal. Do yourself a favour. Sleep on it.
你说的对 用一下你手♥机♥?
You’re right. Can I use your phone?
你好 我是Arthur Brooks
Arthur Brooks speaking.
嘿 你好 Brooks先生 我是Kevin Gerrity
How you doing? Kevin Gerrity.
啊 正好 Gerrity先生
Right on, Mr Gerrity
我们正在等你的电♥话♥
We were expecting you.
你们那儿有等着领养Julian的家庭吗?
Do you still got a foster family lined up for Julian?
有啊
Yes, we do.
你可以让他们放弃了 我决定照顾这小家伙了
I’ve decided to take care of the little guy.
你还没好好考虑 伙计
Way to sleep on it, pal.
你们俩要结婚我都支持了 就别管我了
You two want to get married, I support that.
如果亲生父母想要回他 我们其他人就无权阻止了
When parents take the responsibility, there’s no bigger high for us.
我也很希望这样
I’m psyched about it too
那就这么说了
So that’s it.
好 就这样 祝你和你儿子好运
Yep. Good luck to you and your son.
我的儿子
My son.
该死的棍子
Goddamn stick!
这才是我的孩子
That’s my boy.
回去睡觉
Go back to sleep.
好吧 我要睡觉了 晚安
Well, I’m going back to sleep. Nighty-night.
我尿床了
I wet my bed.
哦 天呐
Oh, God.
好大一坨呐
That’s a shitload of piss.
这样好了吧?
There you go, all right?
不会湿了
No more wetness.
睡吧 好吗? 好好睡着 多睡会儿
Sleep, all right? Just try to sleep. Stay asleep.
不要乱动
Sit still!
躺好
Lay!
好了 我起床
All right! I’m up!
整个房♥子里都是尿味儿 干得好
It smells like urine in this joint. Good job.
你在干嘛 孩子?
What’re you doing there, boy?
做麦片
Making cereal.
哦 是吗? 何不给我也倒一碗?
Oh, yeah? Why don’t you pour me a bowl?
或者不要给我倒 随便
Or don’t pour me a bowl. Either way.
我来 我来
I got it. I got it.
我来收拾好
We can fix this.
这没什么大不了
It’s not a big deal.
看 看见吗?
Look. See?
这么快就没了
See how quick it goes away?
哭吧 宝贝 快
Crybaby, come on.
不用担心 孩子
Don’t worry about it, boy.
Scuba Steve 你这该死的
Scuba Steve, damn you!
你认为这好笑 我这么痛苦?
You think that’s funny, me getting hurt?
11点前起来有个好处 就是我们能赶上 麦当劳的早餐
There’s a bright side to being up before 1 1 : McDonald’s breakfast.
我有10年没去吃了 你想去吗?
I haven’t been up for that in 1 0 years. You wanna go?
系好鞋带 我们走 要快点了
Tie your shoes, we’ll go. Hurry.
离这儿有12个街区 所以快点系
It’s like 1 2 blocks from here, so tie quickly.
要帮忙吗?
Do you need help with that?
我可以的
I can do it.
还是我来吧
Let me do it.
绕一下 穿进去 拉
You loop it, you swoop it and you pull.
绕一下 穿进去 拉
You loop it, you swoop it, you pull.
好 走吧 我们得快点
Good. Let’s go. We’re in a hurry.
你们这一代不同了
It’s different for your generation.
总是有麦当劳早餐可以吃
You’ve always had McDonald’s breakfast available.
是吗?
I have?
我出生那会儿 只有汉堡和炸鸡
When I was born, all we had were the burgers and fries.
好像还有鱼三明治 我不确定 我得仔细回忆
Maybe the fish sandwich. I’m not sure. I’ll get back to you.
你要干嘛?
What are you doing?
哦 对 牵手的事
Oh, yeah, the hand-holding thing.
我爸吃过早餐后带我们去麦当劳
My dad took us to McDonald’s the first morning they had breakfast.
大家去后都很诧异 “这到底是香肠还是汉堡?”
Everybody was baffled. “Are these sausages or hamburgers?”
我要上厕所
I have to go to the bathroom.
我们很快就到了
We’re gonna be there in a minute.
我憋不住了
I gotta go now.
你在床上还没尿够?
Didn’t you pee enough in bed?
只有9分钟了
We only got nine minutes to get there.
但我想上厕所
But I gotta go to the bathroom.
好吧 走
All right, let’s go.
能让我孩子用一下卫生间吗?
Can my kid use the bathroom for a minute?
顾客才行
Customers only.
他只是个孩子 我们很快就出来
He’s just a kid. We’ll be in and out.