冒牌老爸

你想告诉你的孩子们 他们的妈妈是Hooters餐厅的舞♥女♥?
You wanna tell your children you met their mother as a waitress at Hooters?
Sonny 那是5年前的事了 她现在是个医生
Sonny, that was five years ago. She’s a doctor now…
并且是我的未婚妻 所以从现在起
…and my fianc, so from now on…
是波霸McGee医生
…Dr. Big Boobs McGee.
-恭喜 -多谢 兄弟
-Congratulations. -Thanks, man.
我只是
I just…
最近不太顺利
…got shit going on.
怎么了?
What’s the matter?
Vanessa要和我分手
Vanessa’s gonna break up with me…
而且我不知道怎样留住她
…and I don’t know how to make her wanna stay.
那是因为她长大了 她想要不同的东西了
She’s getting older. She wants different things:
事业 稳定的关系 家庭
Career, stable relationship, a family.
那是她们需要的
That’s how they get.
我只是想事情回到以前的样子
I want things to go back to the way they used to be.
就像我们在雪城 Vanessa仰慕你
When we were at Syracuse, and Vanessa worshiped you.
-那真好 -也没人催你找工作
-That was nice. -Nobody hassled you to get a job.
Tommy和Phil还分开洗澡
Tommy and Phil showered separately.
就是那段时光
Those were the days.
-你要干嘛? -如果我打成这杆
-What’re you doing? -If I make this…
Vanessa会意识到她喜欢的是现在的我
…Vanessa will realize she likes me the way I am.
你要打进洞
You’re going to the putt.
别忘了 这屋顶有点向右倾斜
Remember, the roof breaks to the right.
进了 这正是我所说的
Yes! That’s what I’m talk–
老天
Good God!
这可不好
That can’t be good.
Kevin呢?
Where’s Kevin?
已经走了 他大概忘了跟你说再见了
He already left. I guess he forgot to say goodbye to you.
-你为什么还在这儿? -我在清扫 不能指望你
-Why are you here? -I’m cleaning because you’re useless.
然后呢? 去找你们那些Hooters餐厅的舞♥女♥?
Then what, you gonna go to your Hooters reunion?
你们是不是会讨论谁的屁♥股♥最容易从短裤里露出来?
You guys talk about whose ass hangs out of their shorts the most?
至少我能把屁♥股♥塞进短裤 肥佬
At least I can fit my ass in my shorts, fatty.
说到肥佬 这个是谁的?
Speaking of fatty, whose is this?
-不知道 -那我就吃了它
-I don’t know. -I’m eating it then.
“我们把惊喜浪费在你身上了”
“We wasted the good surprise on you.”
有位女士给我5美元让我带他来这儿
Lady gave me $5 to bring him here.
-什么意思? -再见
-What do you mean? -Later.
你们是卖♥♥彩票的?
Are you selling raffle tickets?
噢 兄弟
Oh, boy.
-Kevin Gerrity -是我 有事要告诉你
-Kevin Gerrity. -I got something to tell you
什么事?
What’s up?
这儿有个小孩
There’s a kid here.
什么样的小孩?
What kind of kid?
如果这字条是真的 那他就是你的小孩
If this note is true, it’s your kid.
你在说什么?
What do you mean?
我不想读这个
I’m having a tough time reading this…
但上面说 “亲爱的Kevin 这是Julian 你的儿子”
…but it says, ” Dear Kevin: This is Julian, your son.
“我希望你能理解为什么 现在才告诉你”
I hope you understand why I didn’t tell you until now…
“但他需要你的帮助 我不能再做他的母亲了”
but he needs your help I can’t be his mother anymore ”
-这真荒谬 -等等
-This is ridiculous. -Hang on
这是谁?
Who’s this?
这是我朋友
This is my friend.
-你在和Kevin通电♥话♥? -不 是我叔叔Remus
-Is that Kevin on the phone? -No, it’s my Uncle Remus.
你叫什么?
What’s your name?
他没事吧?
Is he all right?
他只是不喜欢你 离我们远点
He doesn’t like you. Leave us alone.
你个垃圾
You’re such a dick.
是你女朋友 她表现得很”舞♥女♥”
That was your girlfriend. She was acting ” Hooterific.”
字条是谁送的?
Who sent that note?
“Jan”
“Jan.”
Jan? 我不认识什么Jan
Jan…. I don’t know any Jan.
-他从哪儿来? -你从哪来 兄弟?
-Where’s he from? -Where are you from?
水牛城
Buffalo.
水牛城 我从来没去过水牛城 有人在整我
I’ve never even been to Buffalo.
也许是搞错了
Maybe it’s a mistake.
行了 真有个小孩? 还是你想绕圈子告诉我我父母去世了?
Is this like the time you said my parents were dead?
我发誓 他就在这儿
I swear, he’s right here.
我马上回来 我不知道该说什么
I’m coming home. I don’t know what I’ll say–
不 等等 这上面说
Hang on. It says…
“如果你不想负责 那就找人领养他”
…” If you won’t take responsibility for him, they found a foster family–”
是的 Remus叔叔 我知道那鲶鱼很大
Yes, Uncle Remus, I know the catfish are huge.
太棒了
That’s terrific
这里有个号♥码
Here’s a number for a guy…
是市社会服务处的叫Arthur Brooks 我来打给他
at City Social Service Arthur Brooks I’ll call
-我还是回来吧 -不不 我来处理吧
-I’ll come home -I’ll take care of it.
你确定能搞定?
Are you sure?
是的 会处理好的 放心
Yeah, don’t worry.
舞♥女♥ 舞♥女♥ 舞♥女♥
Hooters. Hooters. Hooters!
-那好 多谢了 -那就这样
-All right. Thanks a lot. -Later
我要再打个电♥话♥
I’m gonna make another phone call.
你要过来坐吗 伙计?
You want to come and sit down, pal?
或者你就站那儿 随便你 我很快就好
Or you can stand there. Anything you want. I’ll be a minute.
社会服务处休息 今天是哥伦布纪念日
Social Services is closed today, Columbus Day
我们明早8点恢复服务
We’ll be open tomorrow at 8 am
哥伦布纪念日
Columbus Day.
孩子 我不知道怎么跟你说
Boy, I don’t know what to tell you.
别担心 明天早上一切都会好的
Everything’s gonna get figured out tomorrow.
在这之前 你能当个坚强的小家伙吗?
Can you be a tough little guy until then?
很好
Great.
要我给你弄个奶瓶还是什么的吗?
Do I need to get you a bottle of formula or something?
你吃什么?
What do you eat?
食物
Food.
真的? 我也吃食物
Yeah? I eat food too.
怎么? 过来啊
What–? Come on.
要我牵着你?
You need me to hold your hand?
周一我没事都去中♥央♥公园 看滑轮滑的人摔跟头
On Mondays, I go to Central Park and watch rollerbladers fall down.
-你想去吗? -不知道
-You into that? -I don’t know.
看着 这家伙磕磕绊绊
Watch. This guy’s humming.
他要摔了 他要摔了 他要
He’s going down, he’s going down, he’s going–!
那么 你几岁了?
How old are you, anyways?
5岁
Five.
你穿纸尿布吗?
You wear a diaper?
那你是自己擦屁♥股♥喽?
You wipe your own ass then?
真的? 不错 很酷
You do? Good job. That’s cool.
快 摔倒摔倒 对了 噢 快 该死
Come on, fall down. Fall down. Yes! Come on, damn it.
你不行 你不行
You suck. You suck!
瞧好了
Check this out.
我的天
My God!
那儿有根棍子 应该有人拿掉它
There’s a stick there. Somebody should move it.
好了 你要把它放那儿?
All right now, what way would you put that on?
这是Columbo 他假装很蠢
This Columbo, he pretends to be stupid…
但他其实很聪明
…but he’s really smart as a tack.
喔 对 是的
Oh, yeah, he is.
你把桨叶放下去 船就会上来了
You put the vane on down there Then this boat comes up
我自己擦屁♥股♥
I wipe my own ass.
我也是
Me too.
那么擦屁♥股♥先生 这家伙是谁?
So, Mr. Ass Wiper, what’s this guy’s name?
Scuba Steve
Scuba Steve.
我喜欢那脚蹼 他一直穿着吗?
Does he ever take his flippers off?
他打保龄球的时候呢?
What if he goes bowling?
他们不会让他换保龄球鞋? 他还穿脚蹼?
They don’t make him wear bowling shoes? He wears flippers?
-对 -真的?
Really?
我以前也有这样一个娃娃
I had a doll like that at one time.
但我的猫 把他头咬掉了
But my cat, he bite his head off.
什么猫会这样?
What cat would do that?
你说我在撒谎?
You calling me a liar?
嘿 放松
Hey, take it easy.
不管了
Anyways…
今晚有Jets队的比赛
…Jets are playing tonight.
我们去Blarney Stone看球 你要来吗?
We’re gonna go to the Blarney Stone. Wanna come?
我还有很多外卖♥♥要送
I’ve got more deliveries.