伯尼（2011）

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that she wanted to travel with.
直到她遇见了伯尼
Until she met Bernie.
有一件事我很确定
Hey, I’ll tell you one thing for sure.
去伯利兹的那次
On that trip to Belize,
他们俩同处一室
they stayed in the same room.
不消说
And you know damn right well
他们俩都看见对方只穿内衣的样子了
they saw each other in their underwear.
我还知道
And I know for sure
她去什里夫波特的
that when she went to Shreveport,
桃丽丝内衣店买♥♥性感小内衣时
to get some sexy lingerie at Doris’ lingerie shop,
给自己买♥♥了个透视睡衣
she got herself a see-through nightgown
能透出她的胸部
that showed her breasts.
拜托
I mean, give me a break.
她那种年纪的女人
What is a woman her age
想秀自己的大♥波♥ 用意何在呢
wanting to do showing her boobs?
老实说
Seriously.
真恶心
Disgusting.
伯尼有点女性化
Bernie was a little effeminate.
他那种快40了还没结婚的人
I mean, an unmarried man in his late 30s,
染着黑发 去参加所有的音乐剧
going to all the musicals with a bunch of old blue-hairs…
跟你说 我听说他是同性恋
Ah! You know, I heard that he was gay,
不过考虑到他是那么出色的基♥督♥徒
but he was such a good Christian man,
大家都觉得 怎么可能呢
everybody thought, you know, how could that be?
不可能的
That dog don’t hunt. Nah.
总有人说
There was always talk about Bernie being
伯尼有那种倾向
a little light in the loafers but…
不过我总觉得他是个独身主义者
I always thought he was celibate.
他长得不赖
He was a nice-looking man
社区里有一大堆女孩
and there were lots of girls in the community
想要跟他约会
who would’ve loved to have a date with him,
但是他从来都不感兴趣
but he never seemed to show much interest in that.
他总是很忙 总在工作
He stayed busy all the time and was working.
他跟男人握手时
He had a tendency to hold on
握完好长时间还不松手
to another man’s hands, touched too long after shaking it,
还订阅男子健身杂♥志♥
and he had a subscription to men’s fitness magazine.
如果你见过伯尼·提德 你就会知道
Now if you’ve ever seen Bernie Teide, you know dam well
他肯定不是为了健身而看的
it wasn’t for the workout tips.
你要是看到他在镇里闲逛
And when you see him around town,
不在教堂或者殡仪馆工作时
if he wasn’t at the church or at work in the funeral home,
他总会穿上那些该死的
he would always be where
硬挺花边短裤
we these doggone hemmed, starched shorts.
还把腰带弄到肚脐眼上边
With his belt line… above the navel.
最意外的是 他总是穿凉鞋
And the kicker is he always wore sandals.
耶稣我主总是穿着凉鞋
Our Lord and Savior always wore sandals
而且一直未婚
and he never married.
还有十二门徒
And he had 12 disciples
我想他们也都终身未婚
and I don’t think any of them ever married.
使徒保罗 一辈子都是单身汉
And the apostle Paul, he was a lifelong bachelor.
但新约里从来没说过
And you never heard anybody in the New Testament
他们是一群同性恋
say that they was a bunch of queers.
开玩笑
No.
不 他有同性恋关系 这是事实
No, he had homosexual relations. I know that for a fact.
这里不是旧金山
This ain’t San Francisco,
所以在这边 有很多未出柜的同性恋
so around here we got a lot of “closet homosexuals.”
我认识至少两个人 都跟他有过那种关系
And I know of at least two men that he had relationships with
那俩人是异性恋
that were heterosexual.
以前是
Were.
有一点得说一下 我为何选择这份工作
Now one of the main things and why I have this job,
为何自认为胜任
and why I feel like I’m good at it is,
我天生富于怀疑
you see, I’m naturally suspicious.
有时候我发现自己半夜醒来
Sometimes I find myself waking up in the middle of the night.
会透过后院
I’ll be staring off out through the backyard
望向树林里
into the woods and I…
思考发生在那里的
I’ll be thinking about all the crime and mayhem
罪恶和暴行
happening out there,
从那时起 我开始有了一种想法
and that’s… that’s when I start putting it together in my mind.
我要阻止罪犯
I stop the criminal.
我等着 看着
I wait, I watch,
听着
and I listen.
时机到来之时
When the time’s just right…
就紧紧抓住
That’s when I pounce.
没有什么
Ain’t nothing I enjoy more
比罪犯上钩时的挣扎声
than the sound of a criminal that’s just wriggling
更让我过瘾的了
on the end of my hook, hey, you know,
老百姓喜欢看地方检察官抓人
and folks like to see the D.A. at work.
但是没有哪个县想雇一个
But no county ain’t gonna hire a D.A.
不用心工作的检察官
who doesn’t know that this is a full time job.
要一直用心
All the time.
丹尼·巴克很擅长的一件事
One thing Danny Buck is good at
就是让丹尼·巴克重新当选
is getting Danny Buck re-elected.
他让自己在报纸上露脸
And he gets his little photo ops in the paper,
靠的是捣毁毒贩团伙
busting up the copper rings or the hub-cap rings,
或是冰♥毒♥实验室 不过在没事做的时候
or the meth labs, but in slow times,
丹尼·巴克就会胡乱捣鼓
Danny Buck be out digging up some shit.
让我给你看点东西
Let me show y’all something.
你会爱死这个的
You’re gonna love this.
我称之为厄运之轮
I call this my wheel of misfortune.
我已经
Now what I’ve done is, I’ve assigned numbers
给附近可能的毒贩编了号♥
to all the suspected drug dealers around here.
如果转到了你的号♥
If your number comes up,
8号♥ 丹尼·巴克就会先来抓你
number eight, Danny Buck’s come to get you first.
毒贩们 你们哪一个都逃不了
And not one of you dope pushers is gonna get away.
想都别想
Not one.
我最得意之举
The best trick I ever pulled
就是同时逮捕了五个
is the time I arrested five deadbeat dads
拒付子女抚养费的父亲
all at the same time.
开始一直找不到他们
You see, I was having trouble finding them.
后来 我想了个招
Actually, what I did is I
利用当年的摸车比赛
used the annual hands on a hardbody contest,
就是79年道奇经销商办的那次
the one at the Dodge dealership on 79,
人们把手放在皮卡上
People were standing around for days and days
站了一天又一天
with their hands on the pick up truck,
坚持到最后的人赢得比赛
and the last one with their hand on the truck wins it.
我的做法是
What I did, is I got a rig
让组织者邀请那五个
where they invited these
没付抚养费的父亲们参加这个比赛
five dads who aren’t paying child support.
我想 一辆新皮卡
I figured the idea of a new truck
或许可以引蛇出洞
might get ’em to come out of hiding.
管用吗
Did it work?
毫无疑问
You bet your but it did.
抓住他
Hey, get him!
我们想卖♥♥掉一些金融股
I think we’d like to move some out of financials
转投到科技股里 比如苹果公♥司♥
and into technologies, maybe a little more Apple.
也想买♥♥一千股汤米·希尔菲戈公♥司♥的股票
And we’d like to get a thousand shares of Tommy Hilfiger.
我得到小道消息说…
I got a sneak-a-peek at the new line for the…
伯尼 “我们想”是什么意思
What is this “We’d like to” part, Bernie?
你懂股票和投资吗
What do you know about stocks and investing?
让我提醒你一下 你埋死人
Let me remind you: You bury people.
你是个办丧事儿的 不是个投资顾问
You’re a mortician. You’re not an investment advisor.
现在没人用”办丧事儿的”这个词了
No one uses the word “Mortician” anymore, Lloyd.
正确说法是 “葬礼总监”
It’s “Funeral director.”
那你也只是”葬礼总监助理”
Or in your case assistant funeral director.
我们只是觉得
We just thought
你在玛乔丽的资产经营上有点保守
you were being a little conservative with Marjorie’s account.
喂 劳埃德
Hello? Lloyd?
他挂断了
He hung up. Whoa.
不行
No.
他一肚子火♥药♥
Something crawled up his butt.
我是劳埃德
This is Lloyd.
劳埃德 再不准这样跟伯尼说话
Lloyd! Don’t you ever, ever speak to Bernie like that again,