漂亮男孩

或者疼爱某个人生坠入痛苦的
“Or in mounting the body of some poor, drunken female
可怜醉女人为乐
“Whose life had slipped away into sorrow.
我以前从来不会接受这种生活
“I could never accept life as it was.
我从不会吞下生活所有的毒
“I could never gobble down all its poisons.
但是有那么部分脆弱的我
“But there were parts, tenuous magic parts,
慢慢接受了
“Open for the asking.
我被重塑了
“I reformulated.
我不知道具体什么时候 这一切…
“I don’t know when– date, time, all that–
但这改变还是发生了
“But the change occurred.
我内心中有一部分放松了下来
“Something in me relaxed, smoothed out.
我不需要再证明我是个男人
“I no longer had to prove that I was a man.
我什么都不需要证明了
“I didn’t have to prove anything.
我开始注意到一些事
“I began to see things.
咖啡店中柜台后摆放整齐的咖啡杯
“Coffee cups lined up behind a counter in a cafe.
或者在路边散步的狗
“Or a dog walking along a sidewalk.
或者老鼠爬上了我的梳妆台
“Or the way the mouse on my dresser top
站定 稳稳地站定
“Stopped there, really stopped there,
它的身体 耳朵 鼻子
“With its body, its ears, its nose.
纹丝不动 却充满生机
“It was fixed, a bit of life caught within itself,
它的双眼看着我 那么美丽
“And its eyes looked at me, and they were beautiful.
然后又消失了
“Then it was gone.
我开始感觉很棒
“I began to feel good.
我开始在最糟糕的情况下都会感觉很棒
“I began to feel good in the worst situations,
而我经常会遇到最糟糕的情况
“And there were plenty of those.
比如站在办公桌后的上司
“Like, say, the boss behind his desk.
他想要开除我
“He is going to have to fire me.
我太多天没来上班了
“I’ve missed too many days.
他穿着西装 戴着领带 眼镜
“He’s dressed in a suit, necktie, glasses.
他说”我不得不开除你”
“He says, ‘I am going to have to let you go.’
“没关系” 我告诉他
“‘It’s all right,’ I tell him.
他必须要做他该做的事
“He must do what he must do.
他有妻子 有孩子 有家庭
“He has a wife, a house, children,
各种开销 很可能还有个女友
“Expenses, most probably a girlfriend.
我很同情他
“I’m sorry for him.
他被困住了
“He’s caught.
我走进耀眼的阳光
“I walk out into the blazing sunshine.
至少这一整天暂时都是我的了
“The whole day is mine, temporarily anyhow.
这世界处于世界的咽喉
“The whole world is at the throat of the world.
所有人都感到愤怒 不公 欺骗
“Everybody feels angry, short-changed, cheated.
所有人都感到沮丧 幻灭
“Everybody is despondent, disillusioned.
我很期待一点幸福和平和的感觉
“I welcomed shots of peace, tattered shards of happiness.
我会想对待中奖号♥码 高跟鞋
“I embraced that stuff like the hottest number,
乳♥房♥♥ 歌♥唱 工作般热忱对待
“Like high heels, breasts, singing, the works.
别误会了
“Don’t get me wrong,
有一个词叫”盲目乐观”
“There is such a thing as cockeyed optimism
指忽略所有的基本问题
“That overlooks all basic problems
只看待最好的方面
“Just for the sake of itself.
这是一种护盾 一种病态
“This is a shield and a sickness.
尖刀又逼近了我的喉咙
“The knife got near my throat again.
我差点又去自取灭亡
“I almost turned on the gas again.
但是当美好的时刻再度来临
“But when the good moments arrived again,
我没有再像仇敌般与之对抗
“I didn’t fight them off like an alley adversary.
我让它们带走了我 我沉迷于它们
“I let them take me. I luxuriated in them.
我和它们说欢迎回家
“I bade them welcome home.
我甚至还曾看向镜子
“I even looked into the mirror once
觉得自己变得丑陋了
“Having thought myself to be ugly.
我现在却喜欢我看到的样子
“I now liked what I saw.
还挺帅
“Almost handsome.
是的 有点落魄
“Yes, a bit ripped and ragged.
伤疤 肿块 淤青
“Scars, lumps, odd turns.
但总而言之还不算太糟
“But all in all, not too bad.
还挺帅
“Almost handsome.
总比那些像婴儿屁♥股♥的电影明星
“Better at least than some of those movie star faces
要好上一点
“Like the cheeks of a baby’s butt.
最终 我发现了
“And finally I discovered
发自内心对他人的感情
“Real feelings for others, unheralded.
比如最近 今天早上
“Like lately, like this morning,
我要去上班时 我看到我妻子在床上
“As I was leaving for the track, I saw my wife in bed,
只显露出她脑袋的形状
“Just the shape of her head there,
被子拉得很高 只显露出她脑袋的形状
“Covers pulled high, just the shape of her head there.
几个世纪的生死更迭
“Not forgetting centuries of the living and the dead
埃及人死了 留下金字塔
“And the dying, the pyramids,
莫扎特死了 留下他的音乐
“Mozart dead, but his music still there in the room,
大♥麻♥继续生长 地球继续转动
“Weeds growing, the Earth turning,
大把钱在等着我赚
“The tote board waiting for me.
而我看着我妻子的脑袋
“I saw the shape of my wife’s head,
她一动不动
“She so still.
我渴望她的人生
“I ached for her life,
就这样躲在下面
“Just being there under the covers.
我亲了她的前额
“I kissed her on the forehead,
下楼梯 出门
“Got down the stairway, got outside,
坐进我了不起的车里 系上安全带
“Got into my marvelous car, fixed the seat belt,
靠在座椅上
“Backed out the drive.
感受温暖从指尖
“Feeling warm to the fingertips,
倾泻到踩着油门的脚
“Down to my foot on the gas pedal,
我再次进入世界
“I entered the world once more,
驶下山 经过那些
“Drove down the hill past the houses
有人住或没人住的房♥子
“Full and empty of people.
我看到了那个邮递员 我按了按喇叭
“I saw the mailman, honked.
他也朝我挥了挥手”
He waved back at me.”