谭恩美：意外的回忆录（2021）

I think it was called Old Dutch cleanser…
我记得它叫老牌荷兰洗洁精…
and she just said,”Holland… Holland is clean,
她只是说，“荷兰……荷兰是干净的，
we’re moving to Holland.”
我们要搬去荷兰。”
With anybody else,that would be a joke.
如果是别人，那就是个笑话。
But with my mother,that was the reason
但我母亲，这就是她
why she decide we go to Holland.
决定我们去荷兰的原因。
Maybe we would be able to outrun this curse
也许我们能摆脱这个追随着
that was after us.
我们的诅咒。
We packed all our clothes,
我们收拾好了所有的衣服，
our furniture went to relatives,
把家具送给了亲戚，
I didn’t even know that she sold the house.
我甚至不知道她把房♥子卖♥♥了。
We ended up on a boat.
我们最后上了一艘船。
This is my mother and all of us going to the Netherlands.
这是我妈妈和我们一起去荷兰。
We arrived at with no idea where we were gonna live.
我们不知道要住在哪里。
And we ended up drifting,
我们始终在辗转不定，
we ended up going to Switzerland.
我们最终去了瑞士。
We lived on a little chalet on the mountain,
我们住在山上的小木屋里，
Beautiful…you could see the Lake Geneva.
很漂亮…你可以看到日内瓦湖。
Every day,waking up to Lake Geneva.
每天醒来，都能看到日内瓦湖。
Here’s the house where I used to live.
这是我以前住过的房♥子。
Here’s the window in the bedroom.
这是卧室的窗户。
Here’s the view of Montreux.
这是蒙特勒的景色。
And what happened there was not only
那里发生的事不仅是
all the pent up anger I had had
我对我哥哥和父亲的去世
and was not able to express
所产生的压抑的、
about the death of my brother and father.
无法表达的愤怒。
It was now the freedom to have boyfriends,
现在有了交男朋友的自♥由♥，
to be friends with rich girls who wore makeup.
有了和化妆的富家女孩交朋友的自♥由♥。
I started smoking.
我开始吸烟。
I almost ran off and eloped with the German army deserter.
我差点就跟那个德国逃兵私奔了。
My mother thought he was going to ruin me
我母亲认为他会毁了我，
and she could do nothing to dissuade me.
她没有办法劝阻我。
When my mom was on her own,
当我妈妈一个人的时候，
there was a lot of grief and a lot of shouting.
她会悲从心中起，并大声喊叫。
She was angry of everything that was happening.
她对所遭遇的一切感到愤怒。
We had many, many arguments.
我们争吵了很多很多次。
I remember times when I would go into the bathroom
我记得有几次我躲进浴室，
so she couldn’t see me.
这样她就看不见我了。
I would be absolutely placid
我会非常平静地
and I’d go in the bathroom and then I’d have dry heaves,
走进浴室，然后出现干呕，
and then I’d come out,and I didn’t want her to see
然后出来，我不想让她看到
that it affected me whatsoever.
这对我有任何影响。
Nothing that she said could change me.
她说什么都改变不了我。
It was part of my decision to not be like her at all,
这是我做的决定，完全和她的格格不入，
to not have those emotions.
一点也不情绪化。
But I came home one day,and she was raging.
但有一天我回到家，她很生气。
She had this way of breathing.
她的呼吸方式是这样的。
It was like…
就像…
Like that,and her face was crazed
…就这样，她的脸显得疯狂了，
and she pushed me and she kept pushing me
她推我，她一直推我
into the bedroom,and she locked it
进我的卧室，她从里面把门锁上，
from the inside, and she tossed the key somewhere.
然后把钥匙扔在了某个地方。
And she had this cleaver
她拿着这把切肉刀
and she backed me up against the wall.
把我抵靠在墙上。
And she just said,
她只是说:
“It’s enough. It’s time.”
“闹够了。到时候了。”
“I’m going to kill you first,and then Didi.”
“我要先杀了你，然后是迪迪。”
That’s what we called my brother,
我们就是这么称呼我弟弟的，
“And then I’m going to kill myself,
“然后我要自杀，
and we will all be with Daddy and Peter.”
我们就都能和爸爸和彼得在一起了。”
And her eyes were different.
她的眼神都不正常了。
Her eyes were glazed in a way.
她的眼睛有些呆滞。
They were gone.
它们都失去了活力。
It wasn’t just anger,she was gone.
不仅是愤怒，她失去理智了。
And I thought, she’s really…she’s crazy.
我想，她真的…真的疯了。
She’s gonna do it.
她会这么做的。
And I remember looking out the window,
我记得我望着窗外，
looking out on Lake Geneva,and the French Alps,
望着日内瓦湖，还有法国侧的阿尔卑斯山，
and I just looked and I said,this is it.
我看着，然后说，就是这里了。
And it’s so sad.
这太让人难过了。
It’s so sad that this is what it has come to.
事情发展到这种地步真是太可悲了。
And what came out of my throat,
从我喉咙里发出的，
I thought, was a complete betrayal to me, was a voice.
我想，是一个完全背叛了我的声音。
The voice said,”I wanna live.”
那个声音说:“我想活下去。”
“I wanna live. I wanna live.”
“我想活下去。我想活。”
When that voice said,”I wanna live, I wanna live,”
当那个声音说”我要活，我要活”的时候，
that was the end of it.
一切就结束了。
That’s all I remember up until that point.
在那之前我只记得这些。
After a while,when I found out that
过了一段时间，当我发现
I could graduate a year early,
我可以提前一年毕业时，
I had my reason to leave home.
我有了离开家的理由。
After they moved,
他们搬家后，
we didn’t see them for a few years,
我们有几年没见过他们。
and then when Amy and her family
后来，当恩美和她的家人
came back from Switzerland,
从瑞士回来的时候，
I guess I was a freshman in college at San Jose State,
我想我是圣何塞州立大学的大一新生，
and Amy and her boyfriend, Lou,
而恩美和她的男朋友，卢，
had transferred from Linfield College.
已经从林菲尔德学院转过来了。
I looked them up and we started
我去迎接了他们，并开始
seeing each other again.
彼此见面了。
I had to get used to the idea that
我必须要习惯
there was this guy now in the picture.
照片里出现了这个人。
Lou was actually a blind date.
卢其实是盲目赴约的。
I was in a sorority,and somebody decided
我参加了一个女生联谊会，有人出于
for some crazy reason to ask him to go to a function.
某种疯狂的原因，邀请他去参加一个活动。
And when I found out what she had done,
当我发现她的所作所为后，
I said, “I am not going out with this guy.”
我说:“我不会和这家伙约会的。”
It wasn’t exactly love at first sight.
我们并不是一见钟情。
It was more maybe cluelessness at first sight
这更可能是我第一眼看到的无知，
because I wasn’t adversely reacting
因为我并没有对恩美所做的一切
to all of the things that Amy did
做出负面反应，
to make it seem that she wanted nothing to do with me.
让我觉得，她不想和我有任何关系。
He was mellow, nice, handsome.
他成熟、友善、英俊。
He was built in a muscle way
他的肌肉很结实，
that I’ve always found unattractive in men.
我一直觉得这一点在男人身上没什么吸引力。
I always feel that the amount of muscle mass
我总觉得肌肉的数量
kinda detracts from the mass in the brain.
有点分散了大脑的质量。
We overcame these thoughts of his, somehow.
我们克服了对他的这些想法。
Within a month,it was pretty evident
在一个月内，很明显
that we were gonna make a go of it.
我们会拍拖成功的。
– Dad, Mom. – Hi.
-爸爸，妈妈。 -嗨！
This is Rose Hsu,my girlfriend.
这是罗丝·许，我的女朋友。
-Hello -Hi.
-你好。 -嗨。
His parents did not like me,
他的父母不喜欢我，
and always tried to get us to break up.
总是想让我们分手。
She said it was because of the Vietnam War.
她说那是因为越南战争。
He’s going to be working with his father in the company
他将和他父亲一起在公♥司♥工作，
and, uh, he’s going to be judged by people of
而且，呃，他会被人评判，
a different standard
被不同标准的人评判，
and they won’t be as understanding as we are.
他们不会像我们这么善解人意。
Mrs. Jordan, you sound as if Ted and I are getting married.
乔丹太太，你说得好像泰德和我要结婚了。
That’s hardly the case.
事实并非如此。
Oh, I know, dear.It’s just that,
哦，我知道，亲爱的。只是，
well, the way the world is,
世界就是这样，
how unpopular Vietnam was.
越南是多么不受欢迎。
I’m not Vietnamese.I’m American.
我不是越南人。我是美国人。
I would not wanna dismiss them as hardcore racists.
我可不想把他们当成顽固的种族主义者。
They weren’t that,
他们不是那样的，
but they still had difficulty accepting Amy
但他们还是难以接受恩美
that was a cloud on the relationship, really,
这是我们关系的阴云，真的，