谭恩美：意外的回忆录（2021）

“Her mother turns to her father to say something,
“她的母亲转向她的父亲说了些什么，
and right away,she knows it’s bad.”
她马上就知道情况不妙。”
“Her voice is broken, squeaky,
“她的声音断断续续，尖细刺耳，
then jagged, as words scrape through her throat.”
然后变得参差不齐，话语从她的喉咙里滑过。”
“‘That what you want? You want to go?'”
“‘这就是你想要的吗?你想去吗?’”
“‘Then go, or I go first.'”
“‘要么你走，要么我先走。’”
“Her father reaches for her mother’s hand,
“她父亲伸手去拉她母亲的手，
but she snatches it back.”
但她把它收了回来。”
“It’s getting worse,
“情况越来越糟，
and just as she thinks that,
就在她这么想的时候，
her mother grunts something that sounds like,
她妈妈咕噜了一声，听起来像是，
‘Mm-hmm, maybe I’ll kill myself right now,
‘嗯哼，也许我现在就自杀，
“then everybody happy.'”
那样大家就皆大高兴了。’”
“She hears the car door creak,
“她听到车门嘎吱一声，
it’s cracked open.”
车门被撞开了。”
“The car swerves one way and then the other,
“汽车突然转向一个方向，
her mother puts her right leg out the car door.”
然后又转向另一个方向，她妈妈把右腿伸出了车门。”
“The road grabs her mother’s right shoe
“路碰着了她妈妈右脚的鞋子，
and it’s gone in an instant.”
瞬间就消失了。”
“Her mother leans her whole body out.”
“她妈妈把整个身体都倾着。”
“Then the car swerves again
“然后车子又突然转向，
and she feels the tire slip and go off the road.”
她感到轮胎打滑，冲出了马路。”
“And soon she hears the sound of crunching gravel
“很快她就听到了碎石的嘎吱声，
until they stop.”
直到他们停下来。”
“When she sits up, she sees
“当她坐起来的时候，她看到
her mother is still in the car.”
她妈妈还在车里。”
“Finally, her mother gives up
“最后，她的母亲放弃了，
and says in a howling kind of voice,
用一种嚎叫的声音说，
‘I want to die.'”
‘我想死。’”
“And then the girl feels her cheeks,
“然后女孩摸了摸自己的脸颊，
she’s crying,
她哭了，
and she doesn’t know when it started.”
她不知道是什么时候开始的。”
“She just wants everything to be over.”
“她只是想让一切都结束。”
At that time, I wrote.I wrote stories.
那时，我在写作。我在写故事。
Writing was almost like letters to myself,
写作几乎就像给自己写信一样，
and often they had to do with angry feelings
我得说，这通常都与我对母亲的
I had, say, with my mother,
愤怒情绪有关，
or something I was frustrated about.
或者与我感到沮丧的事情有关。
So it was like a confident, in a way.
所以在某种程度上，这就像是一种自信。
But it never occurred to me that I could be a writer.
但我从来没有想过，我可以成为一名作家。
I wanted to be an artist.
我想成为一名艺术家。
Drawing was very private and I could do it for hours,
画画是非常私人的事，我可以画上几个小时，
pencil drawings mostly.
大多数时候是用铅笔画的。
A cat, a horse, a girl,
一只猫，一匹马，一个女孩，
a tree, a house…
一棵树，一所房♥子…
whatever it was, it was private.
…不管是什么，都是私人的。
I think what intruded was this notion
我认为是这种想法侵入了我的思想，
it had to be perfect
它必须是完美的，
and I saw other kids who were better at drawing,
我看到其他孩子更擅长画画，
and then ultimately I had an art teacher
然后最终我有一个美术老师
who said I wasn’t very creative,
说我不是很有创造力，
that I had no imagination,
我没有想象力，
and that I didn’t have what it would take
我没有达到，应该达到的
to get to a deeper level of creativity.
更深层次的创造力。
And, you know, at that point,
而且，你知道，在那个时候，
it seemed there were enough signs
似乎有足够的迹象
that I should not pursue that,
表明我不应该追求它，
plus, my parents would be extremely disappointed
而且，如果我做的是纯粹的娱乐，
if I did something that was purely fun.
我的父母会非常失望。
Whether it’s encouragement or discouragement,
不管是鼓励还是打击，
it just stays with you.
它都会一直伴随着你。
I remember when I asked my mother,
我记得当我问我妈妈:
“Would I be considered beautiful in China?”
“我在中国会被认为漂亮吗?”
She says,”Well, maybe average.”
她说:“嗯，大概长相平平吧。”
And I was so crushed because I thought, well,
我当时很崩溃，因为我想，
I’m kind of ugly in American culture.
我在美国文化中有点丑。
Wouldn’t I be at least beautiful
在中国文化中，
in Chinese culture?
我至少是美丽的吧?
No, I was average.
不，我长相一般。
So much for my mother’s honesty.
这就是我妈的诚实。
Auntie Daisy and Uncle John
黛西阿姨和约翰叔叔
were two of the founding members of the Joy Luck Club,
是喜福会的两位创始成员，
and Uncle John actually
实际上是约翰叔叔
came up with the name Joy Luck Club.
想出了喜福会这个名字。
And they were regular members
在彼得和约翰叔叔
until Peter had his brain tumor
患脑瘤之前，他们都是
and Uncle John had his.
固定会员。
Shortly after this Christmas,
这个圣诞节后不久，
my older brother Peter was discovered to have
我的哥哥彼得被发现患有
an inoperable brain tumor.
不能手术的脑瘤。
My father,the Baptist minister,
我的父亲是浸礼会牧师，
prayed to God and had the congregations
他向上帝祈祷，并让会众
pray for a miracle.
祈求奇迹。
My mother joined him in all of this… wrote letters.
我母亲也参与了这一切…她是以写信的方式。
Every day, it was a visit to my brother
在他临终的六个月中，我每天都去
who was unconscious…
探视我的哥哥…
at the end of six months.
那时他已经是无意识了。
Two weeks before my brother died,
在我哥哥去世前两周，
my father was diagnosed with a glioblastoma,
我父亲被诊断出患有胶质母细胞瘤，
with a brain tumor.
也是一种脑瘤。
When Peter was diagnosed with this brain tumor,
当彼得被诊断出患有脑瘤时，
it seemed like a short period of time from when he died.
离他去世似乎只有很短的一段时间。
Six months later,Uncle John died.
六个月后，约翰叔叔去世了。
And I think Uncle John
我想彼得死的时候
might have been in the hospital when Peter died.
约翰叔叔可能也在医院里。
So he couldn’t really be
所以其实，他不能
where he wanted to be with his son.
和他的儿子在一起。
Two weeks before my father died,
在我父亲去世前两周，
a minister came to counsel me because I had been discovered
一位牧师来劝我，因为有人发现
reading a very bad book,
我在读一本非常糟糕的书，
Catcher in the Rye.
—《麦田里的守望者》。
Banned book.
一本禁书。
He was a youth minister,and he came into the room
他是一位青年牧师，他走进我的房♥间，
and we were sitting on the bed,and he was talking about
我们坐在床上，他说
how I had caused my father more pain than the brain tumor.
我给我父亲带来的痛苦，比脑瘤还要多。
So I started to cry,of course,
所以我很自然地，就开始哭泣了，
and then he said, let’s pray for forgiveness.
然后他说，让我们祈祷宽恕吧。
And we did, and I was still crying,
我们就这样做了，我还在哭，
and he said,”You shouldn’t cry now.”
他说，“你现在不该哭了。”
And I was still crying.
我还在哭。
And then he started to tickle me on my side.
然后他开始挠我的身体。
And then he threw me on the bed
然后他把我扔到床上，
and he tickled me even further.
还进一步挠我。
He tickled me all over.
他挠我全身。
He tickled me under my dress.
他在我衣服下面挠我痒痒。
And when he was done,he said to me,
说完之后，他对我说:
“You have a very dirty mind
“你的思想很肮脏，
and no one’s going to believe you.”
没人会相信你的。”
So I came out of that room a very angry girl.
所以，我从那个房♥间出来的时候，非常生气。
I was a daddy’s girl,
我是爸爸的女儿，
I loved my older brother.
我爱我的哥哥。
They were my protectors,and they were gone.
他们是我的保护者，他们走了。
I was left with this crazy,suicidal mother.
我和这个疯狂，有自杀倾向的母亲在一起。
After my father and brother died,
我父亲和哥哥去世后，
my mother was in such turmoil over what we were gonna do
我母亲为我们的余生该做些什么
with the rest of our lives.
而苦恼不已。
She thought that it was a curse
她认为这是一个诅咒，
and she started seen omens in everything.
她开始在一切事物中看到预兆。
One day she was washing dishes
有一天她在洗碗的时候
and she picked up this can of…
捡起了一个罐头…