谭恩美：意外的回忆录（2021）

你的朋友都不能。”
She said, “But you should have a good job
她说:“但你应该有一份好工作，
because if you do get married and your husband is mean,
因为如果你结婚了，你的丈夫很刻薄，
you can leave him immediately without a question.”
你可以马上离开他，不需要问任何问题。”
My mother had other advice like that,
我妈妈还有其他的建议，
like crossing the street.
比如过马路。
A lot of parents look both ways, you know.
你知道的，很多父母都是朝两面看。
My mother did the look both ways,
我妈妈确实也朝两边看，
but she said, “You don’t look,maybe a car comes,
但是她会说，“假如你不看，可能就有一辆汽车开来，
smash you flat like a sand dab,
把你碾压成比目鱼，
both eyes on one side of your face.”
这样，你的两只眼睛就长在你脸的一侧了。”
You never forget after that,
从那以后，你就永远不会忘记，
you never forget.
永远不会忘记。
I remember this fear of shame.
我记得这种耻辱的恐惧。
When it was my birthday,I was so afraid
我生日的时候，我很害怕
my mother would do something like
我妈妈会做一些东西，
bring Chinese food.
比如中国菜之类的。
And I remember being relieved
我还记得当她带来
when she brought the requisite cupcakes.
必要的纸杯蛋糕时，我如释重负。
My father was an amateur photographer
我父亲是一个业余摄影师，
and he liked to pose people.
他喜欢给人们摆姿势。
Posed, posed.
摆姿势，摆姿势。
He was a good photographer.
他是个好摄影师。
See how they loved my older brother,
看看他们多爱我的哥哥，
the golden child.
那个阳光少年。
They were constantly comparing me and my brother, Peter.
他们总是拿我和我哥哥彼得作比较。
He was always doing well.
他总是做得很好。
He skipped a grade,he was independent,
他跳过了一个年级，他独♥立♥，
and polite, and behaved.
有礼貌，举止得体。
And they would say, why can’t you be more like Peter?
他们会说，你为什么不能更像彼得呢?
I loved my brother, Peter.He was my hero.
我爱我的哥哥，彼得。他是我的英雄。
He was the person who taught me so many different things.
他教会了我很多不同的东西。
And he never made himself to be superior.
他从不让自己高人一等。
But I really sensed it,
但我真的感觉到了，
especially from my father.
尤其是从我父亲那里。
This past year,
在过去的一年里，
while examining the contents of those boxes,
当我检查这些盒子里的东西时，
I was gratified to learn that many of my childhood memories
我很高兴地得知，我童年的许多记忆
were largely correct.
基本上是正确的。
But there were also shocking discoveries
但也有一些关于我父母的
about my mother and father,
令人震惊的发现，
including a little white lie they told me when I was six.
包括我六岁时他们对我撒的一个善意的小谎。
When I was in the first grade,
当我读一年级的时候，
the woman came to our school,
一位女士来到我们学校，
took me into this little room,
把我带到一个小房♥间里，
gave me, I don’t know,
给我一个，我不知道叫什么，
she probably called them puzzles or something
她可能叫它们“拼图”或者别的什么，
because I was a little kid.
因为我还是个小孩子。
About a few weeks later,
大约几周后，
I came home from school,
我从学校回到家，
and there she was in the living room,
看到她在客厅里，
and she was talking to my mom and dad.
和我的父母说话。
And then the woman left.
然后那个女人走了。
And my parents said to me, they were all excited and they said,
我的父母对我说，他们都很兴奋，
you know, you took this test,and the lady said
他们说，你知道吗，你参加了这个测试，那位女士对我们说，
to us you are smart enough to be a doctor.
你足够聪明，可以成为一名医生。
You are going to be a doctor.
你将成为一名医生。
So that’s how my career was decided,
这就是我职业生涯的决定，
on the basis of a test.
基于一个测试。
Now I was gonna be a doctor
现在我要去当医生，
and a concert pianist on the weekend.
还要在周末，去当钢琴演奏家。
A lot of people think I’m joking,
很多人认为我在开玩笑，
but this truly was the expectation.
但这真的是我的期望。
When I was nine years old,
我九岁的时候，
my mother’s version of believing in me
我母亲对我的信任
（1993年电影《喜福会》）
was believing that I could be anything,
就是相信我可以成为
（1993年电影《喜福会》）
anything she wanted
她想要的任何人，
（1993年电影《喜福会》）
the best piano prodigy this side of China.
成为中国最好的钢琴神童。
I resented the piano.
我讨厌那架钢琴。
It was a little slave master,
就像一个小奴隶监工，
you know, where I had to get everything right.
你知道，我必须把一切都做好。
You know, the right rhythm,the right fingering,
你要知道，正确的节奏，正确的指法，
the right notes,the right expression.
正确的音符，正确的表情。
So I didn’t really get a chance to enjoy music,
所以我并没有像我母亲所希望的那样
as my mother would have hoped.
真正享受音乐。
I was getting ready for my first recital,
我正在为我的第一场独奏会做准备，
which was a talent show at the church.
那是在教堂举♥行♥的才艺表演。
And you can see I have on patent leather shoes,
你可以看到我穿着漆皮皮鞋，
and this beautiful,violet dress.
还有这件漂亮的紫罗兰色连衣裙。
I had memorized a piece…
我记住了一首曲子…
Bach, a simple minuet.
巴♥赫♥的，一首简单的小步舞曲。
I started playing.
我开始了弹奏。
And I got stuck about five measures in.
我在弹了五小节后，就开始卡磕了。
I started over again,
我重新开始，
and I got stuck in the same place.
却被困在了同一个地方。
I did it over and over until the audience started to clap
我做了一遍又一遍，直到观众开始鼓掌，
and I knew I was being sent away.
我知道我要被送走了。
I told my mother
我告诉妈妈
I did not want to play the piano anymore,
我不想再弹钢琴了，
and she said, “Okay, fine.Why you listen to me?”
她说:“好吧，没事。你为什么要听我的话?”
“No play piano, go outside, play there.”
“不弹钢琴了，走到外面去玩吧。”
“Don’t have to listen to Mother
“不用听妈妈的话，
because maybe soon,I dead anyway.”
因为也许很快，我就会死了。”
But she was not a tiger mom,
但她不是虎妈，
she was a suicidal mother.
她是一个有自杀倾向的母亲。
And that’s very different from simply being
这和简单地做一个要求苛刻的母亲是
a demanding mother who wants that kind of perfection.
非常不同的，她想要那种完美。
It was, if you don’t feel the way that I do,
如果你没有和我有相同的感受。
I might as well kill myself.
我还不如自杀。
Very different.
非常不同。
There was a Sunday when it was my birthday,
有一个星期天，那天是我的生日，
we all went to church,
我们都去了教堂，
my mother decided to stay behind.
我妈妈决定留下来。
I don’t know why, but when we returned home,
我不知道为什么，但当我们回到家时，
I had been expecting a cake
我本以为会有一个蛋糕，
and instead, the furniture was turned upside down.
但相反，家具被颠倒了。
All the chairs in the living room,
客厅里所有的椅子，
the coffee table was just as though
咖啡桌，就像她扔掉了
she had thrown everything.
所有的东西一样。
There was gonna be no cake,
没有蛋糕，
and no lunch, and no dinner.
没有午餐，没有晚餐。
My father took me up that day and we went up to a hill,
那天我父亲带我上了山，
and he took some pictures.
他拍了一些照片。
My father posed me and told me to look at him
我父亲让我摆姿势，
and I wouldn’t because I was crying.
但我没有，因为我在哭。
I know that the situations
我知道那些情况
that would cause her to become…
会让她变成…
almost insane is if you did not,
几乎是神经质，如果你
in her mind, respect her.
不遂她的愿，不尊重她的话。
So she might have said something
所以她可能说了什么，
and you just ignored it,
而你只是忽略了它，
or you said something critical about her
或者你在别人面前说了一些
in front of somebody else,
批评她的话，
that was suicide.
那就是在逼她自杀。
That was gonna trigger suicide.
这会引发自杀。
She had no way of coping with anything like that.
她没有办法应付这样的事情。
“The girl and her brothers are sitting
“那个女孩和她的兄弟们正坐在
on the backseat of the car,
汽车的后座上，
coming back from church.”
他们刚从教堂回来。”