谭恩美：意外的回忆录（2021）

接着…
And I was saying, “No, no,
接着我说，“不，不，
don’t worry about it,it’s fine.”
别担心，都会没事的。”
She said, “I know I did some things to hurt you”,
她说”我知道，我做了一些伤害你的事”，
and I don’t remember what they are,
但我已经不记得是什么事了，
but I know I hurt you,
但我知道我伤害过你，
and I just want to say
只是想说，
I’m sorry and…
我很抱歉并…
I’m sorry, and I hope that you’ll forget
我很抱歉，我希望你能忘记，
“just as I forgot.”
“就像我忘记了那样。”
And I don’t know what she was remembering,
我不知道她记起了什么，
but it was enough to erase everything,
但那足以盖过过去的一切，
everything that I had ever been hurt…
盖过我曾经受过的一切伤害…
you know, that she’d done to hurt me.
你懂的，就是以往她做的，伤害我的事。
Um, and then she was gone,
嗯，然后她就神志不清了，
she was gone again,
她再次神志不清，
and she didn’t talk like that.
而且她不是那样说话了。
She was again,
她又照旧语无伦次了，
incoherent, unable to say complete sentences.
说不出完整的句子。
It was a gift.
这算是一份礼物吧。
Shortly afterward,
此后不久，
my mother fell into a coma,
我母亲陷入了昏迷，
10-20 family members
10到20位家人
were in her rooms at all hours.
一直守在她的房♥间里。
We played poker, mahjong,
我们打扑克，打麻将，
we eat pizza and Chinese takeout.
吃披萨和中餐外卖♥♥。
We played videos of her favorite movies.
我们播放了她最喜欢的电影的视频。
I put on a CD of Chopin piano music
我放上一张肖邦的钢琴曲CD，
and whispered in her ear,
在她耳边小声说:
“That’s me playing, I’ve been practicing harder.”
“那是我在弹，我一直在努力练习。”
Where the Past Begins,A Writer’s Memoir,
《过去从哪里开始，一个作家的回忆录》，
you actually call this an unintended memoir.
你实际上称它为一本无意的回忆录。
When did you realize that’s what you were actually doing?
你什么时候意识到你在做什么?
I was going to write a book about writing.
我打算写一本关于写作的书。
You know,how does the mind work?
你想知道，这个想法是怎么形成的吗？
How does my writer’s mind work,
我作家的思维，是如何运用我的
creativity, imagination.
创造力，想象力。
And it wasn’t until I started writing things
直到我开始自发地写东西，
spontaneously and seeing that they kept reverting
看到它们不断地回到
to what had happened to me in childhood,
我童年时发生的事情，
that it became more of a memoir.
它才更像是一本回忆录。
The past was always present in our lives.
过去总是浮现在我们的生活中。
Remember that test I told you about,
还记得，我跟你们说过的那个测试吗，
the one that predicted I was going to be a doctor?
那个预测我将来会成为医生的测试?
It wasn’t until, like,three years ago that I said,
直到大概三年前我才问，
what was that test anyway?
那到底是什么测试?
That was so irresponsible for a woman to give a child
一个女人只给孩子做了一次测试，就说她将来会成为
one test and then say she was gonna be a doctor.
一名医生，这太不负责任了。
Why hadn’t I questioned it before?
为什么我以前没有质疑过它?
That couldn’t be the case.
这说明不了什么的。
So I typed in “1958 Oakland first grade longitudinal IQ.”
所以我输入了”1958年奥克兰一年级小学生智商纵向趋势”
And the first thing that came up
首先出现的是
was a study by a woman named Dolores Durkin,
一个叫多罗丽丝.杜尔京的女人做的一项研究，
out of 5,003 students who enrolled
在那年入学的5003名
in the first grade that year,
一年级学生中，
49 of them were found to be able to read.
有49人被发现，只能读懂早期书画绘本。
I was an early reader.
我就是一名只能读懂早期书画绘本的人。
There I was in my bedroom reading this,
我在卧室里读着这篇文章，
and it was 63 years of self-esteem in front of me
这个63年前的自信心，摆在了我面前，
and it had been a lie,it was based on a lie.
这是一个谎言，它建立在一个谎言之上。
It had nothing to do with whether
这与我是否聪明到
I was smart enough to be a doctor
可以成为一名医生无关，
and my thinking I never was smart enough.
也与我认为自己，从来都不够聪明无关。
I continued to read,
我接着读下去，
and she had five interviews in there with parents.
她和被测试儿童的家长们见了五次面。
My father said
我的父亲说过，
that I had always been a scribbler,
我的一直都喜欢信手涂鸦，
and that even before the age of four,
甚至在四岁之前，
I enjoyed drawing pictures
我就喜欢画画，
and making up stories about them.
还把它们都编成了故事。
“Her imagination was amazing,” my father said.
“她的想象力很惊人，”父亲说。
And there I had it.
看来，我确实如此。
After all those years of being told
这么多年来，我一直被告知
I was going to be a doctor,to read that my father said,
是块儿做医生的材料，当读到父亲说的，
I had an amazing imagination made me cry,
我有惊人的想象力，这让我哭了，
and that was only recently that I read that, that I saw that.
直到最近我才读到这句话，我才看到这句话。
I read your second memoir,Where the Past Begins,
我读了你的第二本回忆录《过去的起点》，
And I wondered,was that easier to write
我在想知道，写这本书会比写小说
than a novel or harder?
容易还是更难?
At the end of each day,when I was done writing,
每天结束的时候，当我写完，
my husband,he’d have dinner waiting,
我的丈夫，他会等着吃晚饭，
ten o’clock at night,I’d go up there,
晚上十点钟的时候，我会去那里，
and I would be shaking because of what
我会因为我刚刚写完的东西
I had just finished writing.
而颤抖不止。
So I did that once a week
所以我每周做一次，
for about four months,and then I had a book.
坚持了大约四个月，然后我写成了一本书。
It was the fastest book I’ve ever written.
这是我写得最快的一本书。
It was the most emotionally eviscerating book
这是我写过的在情感上，最撕心裂肺的
I’ve ever written.
一本书。
And I think it is the reason why I have
我想这就是我现在写作时
a really hard time now writing,
很困难的原因，
because I’m actually rather afraid
因为我真的很害怕
to have that experience happen to me again.
那种经历再次发生在我身上。
“My childhood, with topsy turvy emotions,
“我的童年时乱七八糟的情绪，
has, in fact, been a reason to write.”
事实上，成了我写作的原因。”
“I can lay it out squarely on the page and see what it was.”
“我白纸黑字地写出来，好看看它们到底是什么。”
“I can understand it and see the patterns.”
“我能理解它，懂得它的方式。”
“My characters are witness to what I went through.”
“我的创作的角色，见证了我所经历的一切。”
“And each story we are untangling
“每一个故事，我们都是在解开
a knot in a huge matted mess.”
一团乱麻中的一个结。”
“The work of undoing them one at a time
“每次纾解一个故事
is the most gratifying part of writing,
是写作中最令人满意的部分，
but the mess will always be there.”
但杂乱还总是在那里。”
She’s at a point where
她现在想要
she would like to continue to be a writer,
继续做一名作家，
but she’s also thinking about not having
但她也在考虑不要让
a publishing contract hanging over her head.
出版合同悬在她的头上。
And she does have one more book under contract.
而且她还有一本书在合约期内。
And I think that the writer’s block element to
我认为，如果释放作家在
all of this would free up
写作时阻力因素，
if she were able to complete that
如果她能凭借灵感去
and then felt an inspiration
完成一件作品，
to write something without feeling
而不是靠什么受商业限制的
the added pressure
外加压力，
of a business obligation to do so.
去写一些东西。
Oh, they’re fighting.
哦，他们在争斗。
In 2016, I started to draw
2016年，我开始画
what I saw out the window,
我在窗外看到的东西，
and I realized that, you know,
我意识到，你知道，
it was bringing up this love that I always had for drawing.
这唤起了我对绘画一直以来的热爱。
Tried,
经过试验，
Some of these are incomplete.
有些是不完整的。
I have a lot of false starts.
我有很多错误的开始。
You start something and then forgot all about it.
你开始做一件事，然后就把它忘得一干二净。
If I could simply do what I wanted to do
如果我可以在一个月里整天
all day for a month,
做我想做的事，
all I would do is look at birds and draw.
我所要做的就是观察鸟类和画画。
I don’t have anyone expecting me
没人期待我
to produce anything.
能做出什么。
And in fact, when somebody says to me,
事实上，当有人对我说，
“Can you draw me a bird,”