黄阿丽：小眼镜蛇（2016）

但是我不会变成那些疯狂的孕妇
But I’m not gonna be one of those crazy pregnant ladies
生完孩子立马就瘦回去
who tries to get all back in shape right after they get pregnant. No.
希望如果你们一年后看到我
Hopefully, if you see me in a year,
我的身体像是 如果我在电视上全♥裸♥出镜
I will have the kind of body where, if I do a nude scene on television,
人们会佩服我出镜的
people will commend me for being courageous.
勇气
For doing it.
现在我怀孕七个半月 我的阴♥道♥又变得湿湿了
Now that I’m seven and a half months pregnant, my pussy’s all wet again.
但是跟我18岁时不一样
But it’s different. It’s not like when I was 18 years old,
那时候是热辣的
when it was like, really hot, you know?
我想：“为什么会不同” 所以我就查资料
And I was like, “Why is it different?” And I looked it up,
我的阴♥道♥会再次变得湿润
and my pussy’s all wet again
是因为我的身体分泌粘液
because my– my body’s secreting mucus
来保护婴儿不受病毒的攻击
to protect the baby from bacteria attacking it.
两者当然不同
That’s not the same.
后者是抗生素软膏
When it’s straight up soldier glue, when it’s Neosporin.
所以你们知道
So, you know, I– I, in–
在我遇到我老公之前 我约会了一群渣男
previously, before I met my husband, I had dated a bunch of losers.
然后我遇到了这个梦中的男人
And then, I meet this dream guy, who’s, like,
他比我帅多了 绝对跟我不是一个层次的
way more handsome than me, out of my league,
毕业于哈佛商学院
graduated from Harvard Business School.
我费了好大劲追他
Worked hard to trap his ass.
让他向我求婚 天啊 然后我结婚了
Got him to propose to me. Oh, my God, then we got married,
梦想成真了 然后我又怀孕了
all my dreams coming true, and then we got pregnant,
最近我们又买♥♥了我们第一所房♥子
and recently we bought our first home together.
距离付钱还有两周时间
And, uh, two weeks into the escrow process,
我发现我这个帅气的哈佛高才生丈夫
I discovered that my beautiful, Harvard-educated husband
背负着7万块的债务
was $70,000 in debt.
而我用我在干电视的辛苦钱 还清了债务
And me, with my hard-earned TV money, paid it all off.
所以结果是他设计了我
So, as it turns out, he’s the one who trapped me.
他是怎么做到的？
How did he do it?
他是怎么把我搞到手的？
How did he bamboozle me?
可能因为他念的是哈佛商学院
Oh! Maybe because he went to Harvard Business School,
专门从事脑力犯罪的地方 他设计了我
the epicenter of white-collar crime. He Enron’d my ass.
现在如果我不工作 我俩就完蛋了
And now, if I don’t work, we die.
要不然你们以为为什么 我大肚子还出来表演？
Why else do you think I’m performing seven and a half months pregnant?
好了 我是黄艾丽 大家晚上愉快 谢谢你们
All right, I’ve been Ali Wong. Have a good night, everybody. Thank you.