黄阿丽：小眼镜蛇（2016）

它们就像一群愤怒的难民
And they just come out like a bunch of angry refugees
正在试图逃离独♥裁♥的统治
escaping a dictatorship, you know?
而且
And, um…
大多数时间我们不会做♥爱♥
yeah, and most of the time, like, we wouldn’t even have sex,
因为我太累了 当我回家后
’cause I was so tired when I would come home,
看到排卵试纸上的笑脸
and see the smiley face on the ovulation strip,
我想：“好的 到时间了”
and I’d be like, “OK, it’s go time,”
我会给我老公打飞机
and I would just give my husband a hand job most of the time,
他会立刻闭上双眼
and he would close his eyes immediately.
我知道那是什么意思
I know what that means, OK?
当某人在性♥交♥过程中闭上双眼
When somebody closes their eyes during sex,
不是因为他沉浸在和你的快乐中
it’s not because they’re in such ecstasy with you
所以他要紧闭双眼
that– that they need to close their eyes.
当某人在性♥交♥过程中闭上双眼
When somebody closes their eyes during sex,
是因为他们正在试图
it’s because they’re literally trying
不看你的脸
to shut the image of your face out of their head
而是幻想他们早些时候在网站上
and instead project two Latina lesbians
看到的两个拉美蕾丝边在亲热的画面
that they saw earlier that day on RedTube onto the back of their eyelids.
我对此毫不介意
Which is fine by me, because then
因为这样他就看不到我脸上的表情
he doesn’t have to see the expression on my face that says,
“你♥他♥妈♥的倒是快点”
“Please, hurry the fuck up.”
我知道他何时高♥潮♥
And then, when he was about to finish, I could always tell because
因为男人高♥潮♥时都一个德行
the indication is very universal when a man is about to finish.
当他们
It’s when they get that…
脸上出现那种傻叉的神情
that stupid-ass look on their face…
就像是刚被僵尸揍了一样
where they look like they just got bit by a zombie, just…
因为我们是嬉皮士 我会说：“嘿！
And then, because we’re hippies, I’d be like, “Hey, hey!
请看着我的双眼 记住要射得有意义 好吗？”
Please look me in the eye and remember to come with intention, OK?”
然后我会跳到他身上 抓住他的脖子
And then, I would jump on him, and hold onto his neck,
我会抖动臀部
and I would just twerk, twerk, twerk the shit out of him…
做一些我在亚特兰大学到的动作
and do some of this shit that I learned in Atlanta.
然后会立刻躺下 抬高双腿
And then I would turn upside down immediately afterwards…
确保哈佛的精华都落入我体内
to make sure all of that Harvard nectar would just drain inside of me.
没错 因为我不想再工作了
That’s right. ‘Cause I don’t wanna work anymore.
能够怀孕我非常感恩
I’m very grateful to be pregnant and to be…
我现在已经怀孕七个半月
this far along, to be seven and a half months pregnant,
因为去年我有过一次流产
because, last year, I had a miscarriage,
这很常见 许多20多岁的女人
which is very common. And a lot of women who are in their 20s
一听到这个就吓呆了 她们说：“天啊
flip out when they hear that. They’re like, “Oh, my God.
太恐怖了 我都无法相信”
That’s so dark and terrible. I can’t believe that.”
我33岁 女孩们当你们33岁时
I’m 33. Girl, when you’re 33,
你会知道很多女人有过流产史
you’ll know plenty of women who have had a miscarriage.
这非常普遍 我希望更多的女人 敢于谈这事
It’s super common, and I wish more women would talk about it
那么当她们亲身经历时 就不会感到那么痛苦
so they wouldn’t feel so bad when they go through it.
当我告诉我妈妈 她来自第三世界
When I told my mom– She’s from a third world country,
当我告诉她我流产了 她说
and when I told her I had one, she was like,
“在我老家 流产跟丢双鞋子一样
“Uh, yeah. Where I’m from, that’s like losing a pair of shoes.
没什么大不了”
It’s whatevs, OK?”
冥冥之中自有安排
And everything happens for a reason.
我六周的超声波图像
I found out at my six-week sonogram, which is very early.
医生跟我说
And the doctor says to me,
“天啊 我看到两个孕囊 你怀的是双胞胎”
“Oh, my God, I see two sacks, which means you’re having twins.”
我说：“不！”
And I was like, “No!”
她接着说：“但是没有心跳”
And then she said, “But what I don’t see is a heartbeat.”
我说：“好吧！
And I was like, “Yes!”
神奇的主啊！”
“The Lord is mysterious!”
别难过 它们像罂粟种子般大小
Don’t feel bad, OK? They were the size of poppy seeds.
鼻屎都比我流产的那对双胞胎大
I’ve picked boogers larger than the twins that I lost.
大多数女人如果流产
And most women won’t let their husbands watch
都不想让丈夫看到
when they’re going through a miscarriage.
我让我老公坐在我面前
I sat my husband down in front of me
我就坐在马桶上 我说：“你看
while I sat on the toilet, and I was like, “You look.”
你要完整地看下去”
“You watch the whole thing.”
他替我难过
And he felt so bad for me.
我利用这个要挟他
And I used it as leverage
将那东西放在他头上长达一个月
and held that shit over his head for a month
在这一个月里他对我百依百顺
and got him to do whatever the fuck I wanted him to do for 30 days.
他带我去看碧昂斯的演唱会
He took me to see Beyoncé.
他在网上给我买♥♥了辆自行车
He bought me a bike off of Craigslist.
它是我的流产自行车 我非常喜欢
That’s my miscarriage bike, and I love it very much.
在这30天里 我理想中的婚姻生活 实现了
For 30 days, I finally had the marriage I always wanted.
但是我害怕生孩子
I’m scared about giving childbirth, though.
我非常害怕生孩子
I’m– I’m very, very scared of childbirth.
所以我打算雇一个陪产员
That’s why I’m going to hire a doula.
你知道那是怎么回事？ 你知道什么是陪产员吗？
You know what that is? You know what a doula is?
是白嬉皮士
That’s a white hippie witch…
她把藜麦放进你的阴♥道♥
that blows quinoa into your pussy
让你不再有疼痛感
to Keyser Söze all the pain away.
许多女人想吓唬我
A lot of women tried to freak me out.
她们吓唬我说
They tried to freak me out about childbirth by saying,
“艾丽 你知道你要拉在桌子上？”
“Ali, did you know that you’re gonna poop on the table?”
我说：“是的 我满怀期待”
I was like, “Yeah, I look forward to it.”
我上班压抑好久了
I’m all backed up from holding in my shit at work.
我等不及要释放了
I can’t wait to cleanse.
这不奇怪 生孩子过程中 会发生这样的事
It makes sense, like, that you– that that happens because
因为你在生的过程中 你会用力
when you’re in labor, you push, you push, you push,
你的丈夫被叫来帮忙
and your husband will be asked to assist in the labor
他会抬高你的腿
by lifting up your leg,
这姿势太适合拉屎了
which subsequently turns into a soft serve lever.
所以你就在你的爱人面前 拉了一地的屎
You just shit on the floor in front of the love of your life.
就当你觉得 他肯定会为此离开你的时候
And just when you think that’s enough to make him finally leave you,
孩子呱呱落地 他跑不掉了
boom, a baby comes out, and he gotta stay.
生命的奇迹就在于此
That’s the real miracle of life, right there.
我已经知道孩子会对婚姻生活 起到重要作用
I can already see how a child can really take its toll on a marriage,
因为孩子还没出世
because the baby hasn’t even come out yet
我已经无比憎恨我老公
and I am already so resentful towards my husband.
尤其当他指使我♥干♥家务时
So much resentment, especially when he asks me to do shit around the house.
“嘿 你能洗碗吗？”“不能！”
“Hey, can you wash the dishes?” “No!”
“你能浇花吗？” 我不要再做家务了
“Can you water the plants?” “I am not doing jack shit anymore.
我怀着孩子呢
I’m busy makin’ a eyeball, OK?
你怀孕了吗？你去换频道
Are you makin’ a foot? I didn’t think so. You change the channel.”
我已经看出这社会双标问题多严重
I can already see how there’s, like, this crazy double standard in our society
啥都不做就能成为伟大的父亲
of how it takes so little to be considered a great dad.
同样啥也不做却是不合格的母亲
And it also takes so little to be considered a shitty mom.
我老公因为每次陪我去产检
People praise my husband
得到无数表扬
for coming to all of my doctor’s appointments with me.
“天啊 我真不敢相信他一次不落 陪你去产检
“Oh, my God. I can’t believe he comes to all your doctor’s appointments.
他太体贴了”
He is so supportive.”
我也一次不落地去产检了
Guess who else has to go to those doctor appointments.
我才是主角
Me! I’m the star of the show.
我要不去 显示仪上啥也没有
There’s nothing for the camera to see if I’m not there.
但是在我抽血时他打游戏 都能成为英雄
But he’s the hero for playing Candy Crush while I get my blood drawn.
与此同时如果我怀孕七个半月 玩采蘑菇我就是个坏妈妈
Meanwhile, if I do mushrooms seven months pregnant, I’m a bad mommy.
实际上
You know, I– I– I, like,
我每天都训斥我老公
I berate my husband on, like, a daily basis.
部分原因是我真的生气
Partially because I really am mad at him.
但更多是因为求生的本能 因为如果他离开我我就完蛋了
But mostly out of survival, because if he leaves me, I’m fucked.
所以我要每天摧残他的自信心
So, I have to chip away at his self-esteem on a daily basis…
打击他 这样他就会相信
to keep him down so that he doesn’t believe
他不值得另一个女人的爱 他就不会离开我
that he’s worthy of another woman’s affection and leaves me.
我为了把他留在身边 就要不断打击他
I gotta keep him around by keeping him down.
当你怀孕后 人们不会告诉你
People don’t tell you about all this shit that goes down with your body
身体变化的实情
when you get pregnant, you know?
你的乳♥头♥变大变黑
Your nipples get huge and dark.
我以前不知道
I didn’t know that.
我以前不知道乳♥头♥变黑 这样婴儿就能看见
I didn’t know that they get dark so that the baby can see, like, a bullseye.
便于婴儿更轻易地找到它
So that the baby can find it easier.
乳♥头♥变大 大得像手指头
And then, you know, they get big– they get big, like fingers.
指着你“就是你欠我钱”
Like, “You, you. You owe me money, you.”
我的乳♥头♥变大后 我裸体看过去像小黄人
My nipples look like Whoppers now, and naked, I look like a Minion.