黄阿丽：小眼镜蛇（2016）

and then I had to start all over again.
你得不停地擦屁♥股♥
And you can never finish wiping at work
因为你总觉得时间不够
because you always feel rushed
因为你害怕
’cause you’re paranoid
你的同事会从厕所隔间门底下
that your co-worker’s gonna recognize your shoes
认出你的鞋子
underneath the stall.
你想：“不！科特尼在听着呢
And you’re like, “Oh, no! Courtney’s listening.
她在等着 她在给我计时”
She’s waiting. She’s timing me.”
然后你就慌乱忙活起来
And then you hurry, hurry, hurry,
结果你总是擦不完
and then you never finish wiping
你的屁♥眼♥就一整天带着屎
and then your butt hole feels caked in doo doo all day long.
如果你敢挠
And then if you dare scratch yourself,
一天下来你的内♥裤♥
your underwear at the end of the day
就像是被七宝奇谋辗过一样
looks like it’s been run over by the Goonies.
家庭妇女拉屎不用控制
Housewives, they don’t gotta muffle their shit, too.
她们无需担心屎出来的太快
They don’t gotta worry about the velocity with which their doo doo comes out.
她们不用试着
They don’t gotta try to, you know,
压缩肛♥门♥
squeeze the butt cheeks together
以确保屎以缓慢稳定的速度出来
to make sure that the doo doo comes out at a slow and steady pace,
这样就避免了突然而来的噪音
so that no unpredictable noise suddenly escapes
而带给你深深的耻辱
and brings you deep, deep shame.
家庭妇女可以随便轰炸马桶
Housewives are free to just blow ass into the toilet
让声音回荡在整个客厅
and let it echo and reverberate to the ends of their hallways
同时看着平板上的网络节目
while watching as much Netflix on their iPad as they want.
她们无需忍♥受这一切
They don’t gotta take these boring, repressed shits.
她们可以尽情听着耳机
They can listen to podcasts.
看着《全球财富》的视频 她们可以随心所欲
Planet Money. They can do whatever they want.
当我听见我的同事
You know, it’s– it’s very distracting for me
在厕所飙屎
when I hear my co-workers
我就会分神
blow ass into the toilet.
我再也尊重不起来她们
I lose respect for them.
她们跟我说的任何话
Nothing they say to me anymore
都不具说服力
holds any sort of credence.
有一天我听见我的一个同事 在厕所飙屎
I heard one of my co-workers blow ass into the toilet the other day.
那个女人竟然还有胆过来跟我说
This bitch had the nerve to come up to me and say,
“你得准时上班”
“You need to get to work on time.”
我说：“你得吃点香蕉
I was like, “You need to eat bananas.”
我看见那双绿色芭蕾平底鞋
“I saw those green ballet flats.
我知道是你在拉屎
I know that shit was you.
别对我的破事指手画脚
Don’t try to tell me to get my shit together
尤其是当我知道你也有一堆破事”
when I heard you not have your shit together.”
我公公最近和我还有我老公
My father-in-law had this huge sit-down
进行了一次促膝长谈
with me and my husband recently.
他说：“嘿
Um, and he was like, “Hey,
我得跟你俩谈谈钱的问题
I wanna talk to you guys about money.
你俩得赚更多的钱
You guys need to make a lot more money
这样你们才能让你们的孩子
if you wanna provide your children
接受你们当年接受的教育”
with the same kind of privileged childhood that you guys had.”
我说：“为什么跟我说这个？
I was like, “Why you telling me this shit?
我压根不该参与进来
I should not be a part of this conversation.
你该跟你儿子说
You tell you son that.
难道你不知道
Don’t your understand
我追你儿子就是看中他的赚钱能力？
that I trapped your son for his earning potential?
要不然我为什么要把我的余生
Why else would I choose to fuck one person
只跟一个男人拴在一起？
for the rest of my life?
我选择嫁给他就是指望早退休
I chose to marry him on the promise of early retirement,
当我说“我愿意”
and when I said, ‘I do, ‘
我真正的意思是
what I really meant was,
我受够了
‘Oh, I’m done.'”
我受够了
I’m done.
我不用再工作了
I don’t wanna work anymore
我不用再节食了
and I’m not dieting anymore.
自从我去年结婚
Since I got married last year,
我每天都吃油炸鸡皮
I’ve been eating fried chicken skin every day since.
没错 这就是我的命
That’s right. And just fulfilling my destiny.
变成一个大圆胖子
Which is to turn into a circle with eyelashes.
就像吃豆子游戏
Like Mrs. Pacman, just…
让我们重新装♥修♥
Let’s redecorate.
我婚后放弃了很多自我
I gave up a lot of myself when I got married.
我是让人讨厌的怪咖
I’m a– I’m a disgusting pervert.
我是个怪咖
I’m a pervert.
我是个恶心又肮脏的人
I’m a gross filthy animal.
我觉得是因为
And I think it’s because
我在很小的时候就开始看黄♥片♥
I started watching porn at a very young age.
你如果很小就开始看黄♥片♥
And what happens when you start watching porn
后果是
at a young age is that…
你变得越来越变♥态♥
y-you get sicker, and sicker, and sicker.
你渴望成为的人也是越来越变♥态♥
The images you crave get sicker, and sicker, and sicker,
但是没关系
but it’s OK,
因为网络总会追赶上你
because the Internet will always catch up to you.
我跟我前男友分手
I broke up with my last boyfriend
是因为他不肯跟我肛♥交♥
because he refused to put it in the back.
我说：“你这个傻瓜
I was like, “Uh, you’re a idiot, dude.
你知不知道如果我上网
Do you realize that if I went on Craigslist…
发帖说玲珑亚裔女性求肛♥交♥
and posted ‘Tiny Asian female seeking anal…’
网站会崩溃的
the Internet would crash.”
这个地球上的所有犹太男人
“And all the Jewish male heads in the universe
会同时脑浆迸裂”
would simultaneously explode.”
他们会发疯的
They would explode.
许多女性
A lot of women get really, you know…
害怕肛♥交♥
freaked out about anal.
她们说：“哦 我不想做那个
And they’re like, “Oh, I don’t wanna do that.
我怕疼”
I’m scared of– of the pain.”
你才不是怕疼
You ain’t scared of the pain.
女人用蜡除眉毛 她们干各种各样疯狂的事情
Women, they wax their eyebrows, they do all sorts of crazy shit.
你们才不是怕疼
You’re not scared of the pain.
你们害怕的是
What you’re really scared
把屎拉在男人身上
of is doo doo on the dick.
你害怕他会看到这一切
You’re scared that he’s gonna see that
那会是你的耻辱
and that’s gonna be all of your shame,
你内在的心魔 你所有的秘密和谎言
your inner evil, all your secrets and lies.
化妆品也帮不了你
Sephora can’t help you now.
但是别担心
But don’t worry,
因为当他进入你的肛♥门♥ 他想的只是
’cause when he puts it in the butt, all he’s thinking about is,
“我进入了她的肛♥门♥
“I just put it in her butt.”
我得给我妈打电♥话♥
“I gotta go call my mom,
给我爸电♥话♥
my dad,
大卫
Dave,
给我奶奶电♥话♥”
my grandma.”
如果你结婚了 你一定得试试肛♥交♥
You’re– If you’re married, you’re gonna have to do anal eventually, OK?
你必须试试 因为你得来点新东西
You have to, because you gotta change it up.
你得变花样 这样你们才不会出轨
You gotta change it up, so that you don’t cheat on each other.
你得让生活变得有趣
You gotta keep it interesting.
如果你换个方式做♥爱♥
If you put it in different holes,
可能你会觉得是跟不同的人做♥爱♥
maybe you’ll feel like you’re fucking different people.
我在20多岁的时候 性生活很丰富
I was very sexually active in my 20s,
所以我有点
and as a result, I’m a little bit…
我下面有点松弛
stretched out down there, OK?
所以当我肛♥交♥时
So, when I finally did anal,
我觉得自己得到了新生
I just felt like I got a second chance at life, you know?
我觉得：“天啊！
I was, like, “Oh, my God!
感觉像是时光倒流！”
It’s like I’m going back in time!”
一个全新的世界
太神奇了
It was magical.
在我结婚以前我的一个大乐趣是
A big fantasy of mine before I got married
尽可能帮助更多的男人
was to help as many men as possible
找到他们的前列腺
discover their prostate.
没错 像一个征服者
Yeah, like a conqueror.
我只是想要
I just wanted to…
现在 如果你们还没做过
Now, if you haven’t done it before,
女士们 今晚回家招待自己
ladies, go home and treat yourself