黄阿丽：小眼镜蛇（2016）

Like, we have these Chinese scrolls up on the wall…
但我们俩谁也不懂那是什么意思
and neither of us know what the fuck they mean.
我们想：“这个配上从一号♥码头 进口店买♥♥的佛猪储蓄罐
We’re like, “Oh, that seems to go very well with our Buddha piggy bank
很协调
from Pier 1 Imports.
可以让屋子里的风水更好”
That seems to be providing some good feng shui for the house.
我们俩谈恋爱谈了四年
Him and I had been dating for four years
我当时暗自怀疑
and I– I just had this sneaking suspicion
他要向我求婚
that he was gonna propose…
因为…
because…
我一直给他施加压力
I had been pressuring him to do it.
所以女人的直觉很准
So, you know, I just had this wacky women’s intuition.
只有这样求婚才能成功 好吗？
That’s how proposals really work, OK?
女人应该将这个想法灌输到男人脑中
A woman has to incept the idea into the man’s head.
首先是暗示 如果他没明白
First passively and then if he doesn’t get the message,
你要清楚地让他明白
extremely aggressively.
你要威胁他说你要离开他 但其实按兵不动
You gotta threaten to leave without ever actually leaving,
因为你知道你青春不再
because you know that you’re too old
来不及重新再找一个新男友
and it’s too late to go back out there and find a new man
从头开始一遍控制他的过程
and start the whole manipulation cycle all over again.
所以我想：“我要跟定这个男人
So, you’re like, “I’m just gonna stick with this dude,
专心致志搞定他
focus on trapping this dude,
反复折磨他直到他意志薄弱
and just nag the shit outta him until he becomes weak and caves in
厌倦了 然后说‘闭嘴吧！
and gets fed up and is like, “Shut the fuck up!
好吧 你嫁给我吧？’”
Fine, will you marry me?”
然后女人通常的反应是
And then afterwards, the woman is always, like,
“哦天啊！他求婚了！
“Oh, my God! He proposed!”
这太让人意想不到了
“It came outta nowhere.
看 他给我的戒指就是我想要的
And look, he got me the exact ring I wanted.
他是怎么知道的？
How did he know?
可能他看了我的拼趣主页
Maybe he saw it on my Pinterest page or something…
看了我给我最好朋友发的信息 我让她每天都给他发的”
that I sent to my best friend, that I told her to send to him every day.”
让我告诉你们 如果一个男人注册了拼趣网
Let me tell you something. If a man has a Pinterest page…
他可能对男人感兴趣
he’s probably Pinterested in men.
我们在星期六订婚
We got engaged on a Saturday.
接下来的星期二 我买♥♥了结婚礼服
I bought my wedding dress the following Tuesday…
因为我在2012年就试穿过它
because I had tried it on in 2012.
我准备好了
I was ready.
我是熟♥女♥
I was ripe.
都要熟透了
I was rotten.
我像熟透的香蕉只能用来做香蕉面包
I need to be made into banana bread. That’s how rotten I was.
人们对我台下和我老公相处的样子 感到震惊
People are always very surprised at how, off-stage, with my husband,
我好像是另外一个人
I’m a completely different person.
当我跟他在一起时 你们不会看出我的性格
You– Like, you would not recognize my personality at all with him.
我跟他在一起时 柔情似水
With him, I’m very soft,
非常贤妻良母型
and, like, very nurturing and very domestic.
我们在一起已经五年了
We’ve been together now for five years,
这五年间我从未间断过 为他准备午餐
and for five years, I’ve packed his lunch every single day.
真的
Yeah.
真的
Yes.
真的了不起
Yes. Yes.
我这么做是想让他依赖我
I did that so that he’d become dependent on me.
因为他是哈佛商学院的毕业生
‘Cause he graduated from Harvard Business School,
我不想再出来工作
and I don’t wanna work anymore.
我一点都不想再工作了
I don’t. I straight up don’t wanna work anymore.
我为他做饭不是出自我的善意
I don’t feed him out of the goodness of my heart.
我把这看作是我未来财务上的投资
I do it as an investment in my financial future.
因为我不想再工作了
‘Cause I don’t wanna work anymore.
我一直在读雪莉桑德伯格的那本书
I’ve been reading that book by Sheryl Sandberg,
她是脸书的首席运营官
she’s the C.O.O. of Facebook,
她写的那本书让女性 燃起对事业的热情
and she wrote that book that got women all riled up about our careers.
她说我们女人应该挑战自我
Talking about how we as women should challenge ourselves
在工作中不断进取
to sit at the table and rise to the top.
书名是《向前一步》
And her book is called Lean In.
可我不想向前一步
Well, I don’t wanna lean in, OK?
我想躺下
I wanna lie down.
我就是想躺下
I want to lie the fuck down.
我觉得女性主义是 发生在女人身上最坏的事情
I think feminism is the worst thing that ever happened to women.
过去我们的工作就是无所事事
Our job used to be no job.
多好的工作啊
We had it so good.
我们本可以保持这一优良传统
We could have done the smart thing,
女人本可以继续装傻充楞
which would have been to continue playing dumb
直到下世纪
for the next century
我们觉得：“我们是傻女人
and be like, “We’re dumb women.
我们什么都不知道
We don’t know how to do anything.
所以我们最好该整天呆在家
So, I guess we better just stay at home all day
吃着零食看着《艾伦秀》
and eat snacks and watch Ellen.”
因为我们太傻了 承担不了什么责任
“‘Cause we’re too stupid to have any real responsibility.”
然后这些女人开始显摆
And then, all these women had to show off
她们说：“我们能行！ 我们什么都能行”
and be like, “We could do it! We could do anything.”
该死的 闭嘴！
“Bitch, shut up!”
别告诉他们实情
“Don’t tell them the secret.”
她们把一切搞砸了
They ruined it for us,
现在大家希望女人出来工作
and now we’re expected to work.
当我听到“双职工收入家庭”
When I hear the phrase, “Double-income household,”
我就想吐
I wanna throw up.
许多女人对我的这些见解表示失望
A lot of women get very upset with me about those comments.
她们说：“艾丽 我们现在 有很多选择”
And they’re like, “But, Ali, we have so many more options now.”
哦 你觉得当我们不工作时
Oh, you don’t think we had a lot of options
就真的无事可做吗？
when our day was free?
没有人看管
Unscheduled, unsupervised,
最重要的是还有人付款
and most importantly, sponsored?
你知道你要自食其力后
Do you know how much shittier food tastes
有多么食之无味吗？
when you know you have to earn it?
我的很多朋友 当我们一起溜达时
A lot of my friends, when we walk around together,
她们总是对街上看到的
they’ll get very judgmental
家庭主妇评头论足
about housewives that we’ll see on the street.
她们说：“看看那些该死的家庭主妇
And they’ll be like, “Look at that fucking housewife.
游手好闲
Not doing anything.
看看她们就知道整日逛街
Look at that housewife, just walking around all day,
穿着健身裤做按♥摩♥”
getting massages in her Lululemon pants.”
我说：“那个女人是天才
I’m like, “That bitch is a genius.”
她才不是家庭主妇 她是光荣退休”
“She’s not a housewife, she’s retired.”
我的确为ABC电视台 《初来乍到》执笔
I do write for Fresh Off the Boat on ABC.
耶
Yeah.
那是
Which is…
那是不错的节目
It’s a great show.
我非常喜爱它 喜爱我的同事们
I love it a lot. I love my co-workers.
写作团队很棒 就工作而言
It’s a great writing staff and in terms of day jobs,
这可能是最好的了
it’s probably one of the best you could ask for,
但是我还是要每天去办公室
but I still gotta work at a office every day.
意味着我要每天在办公室上厕所
Which means I gotta shit in a office every day.
家庭主妇是不在办公室里上厕所的
Housewives, they don’t gotta shit in a office.
家庭主妇只在家里面方便
Housewives get to shit in their house.
直接坐在自家马桶上
Skin to seat.
她们不想要用铺着厕纸的马桶
They don’t gotta use that horrible toilet paper cover.
她们不要
They don’t gotta…
每天十次 天天如此…
ten times a day, every day…
好像是在吃最难吃的食物
like you’re about to eat a sad-ass meal.
她们不想要干这个
They don’t gotta do that.
她们不想用办公室里的
They don’t gotta use that one-ply toilet paper,
一层帘布似的厕纸
that office toilet paper,
他们故意把厕纸弄的难拽
that they purposely make difficult to pull out.
他们要用社♥会♥主♥义♥厕纸跟我作对
They try to ration me with their communist toilet paper
再说厕纸也不好用
that’s not even effective.
会让你的屁♥股♥皮肤脱水
It basically just dehydrates your butt hole.
好像是用沙漠在擦屁♥股♥
It’s basically like wiping your butt with the desert.
两天前我真的给厕纸吐口水
I literally spat on my toilet paper two days ago,
浸湿它 让它变得柔软
to try to make a MacGyver baby wipe, to moisten it,
结果我的手指穿破了厕纸
and then it backfired ’cause my fingers broke through
让我又拉了不少
and digitally stimulated more doo doo to come out,
我还得从头再来一遍