那个叫城市户外的商店混淆了
That store Urban Outfitters has made things very confusing…
我们那代人的视听
for my generation.
你到底是无家可归还是时尚人士？
You homeless or you a hipster?
留胡子是为了好看还是保暖？
Is that beard for fashion or for warmth?
事情发生在
It happened to…
发生在旧金山 我当时住在那里
It happened in San Francisco, when I was living there,
我在光天化日之下看见了这个人
and I saw this guy in broad daylight
然后就电光火石激♥情♥四射
and we had, like, we had… We had so much chemistry.
他说：“嘿 怎么样？”
He was like, “Hey, wassup?”
我说：“怎么样？”
I was like, “Wassup?”
接下来
And we– The next thing I knew,
我们俩就在我的沃尔沃后座忙活上了
we were getting busy in the back of my Volvo.
然后等我们完事后 他问：“你能送我一段吗？”
And then after we were done, he was like, “Hey, can you drop me off?”
我问：“去哪？” 他说：“去公园”
I was like, “Where?” He was like, “At the park.”
我送他去了金门公园
And I dropped him off at Golden Gate Park
看着他跟其他无家可归的人 跑了进去
and watched him run into the middle with all his other homeless friends,
我想：“天啊 不！
and I was like, “Oh, no!”
我刚跟一个流浪汉搞上了！
“I just fucked a homeless dude!
这是第二个了！”
Again!”
我老公是亚洲人
My husband is Asian.
这让很多人都大跌眼镜
Which a lot of people are shocked by,
因为亚裔美国女人
because, usually, Asian-American women who, like,
你们都晓得 带着这种眼镜 意见多多
you know, wear these kinda glasses and have a lot of opinions,
她们喜欢约会白人
they like to date white dudes.
你去美国任何一个大城市看
You go to any hipster neighborhood in a major city in America
这种趋势以大野洋子为代表
and that shit is turning into a Yoko Ono factory.
到处都是 我不知道这些女人怎么了
It’s… too much. I don’t know what’s wrong with these bitches.
我理解 因为跟白人在一起
I get it, you know, because being with a white dude
你觉得非常
you feel very…
你觉得跟一个白人一起 自成一种画面
You feel very picturesque when you’re with a white dude, you know.
你觉得自己置身于安德森的电影中
You feel like you’re in a Wes Anderson movie or something.
白人会教你很多有趣的事情
And you know, white dudes, they teach you about a lot of cool stuff
比如投票还有循环再利用
like voting and recycling,
还有让人不安的纪录片
and disturbing documentaries.
他们向你介绍这些有意思的事情
They introduce you to cool stuff like that
跟白人在一起很性感
and it’s very, you know, it’s hot hookin’ up with a white dude.
我是说 当一个白人跟我做♥爱♥
I mean, nothing makes me feel more powerful
这让我觉得自己充满力量
than when a white dude eats my pussy.
哦 天啊
Oh, my God.
我感觉自己正在吸收全部的特权
I just feel like I’m absorbing all of that privilege
所有的权利
and all of that entitlement…
当他在我身下 为我服务
you know, just right there, through the money hole and just…
他是那么脆弱
And then also, he’s so vulnerable down there.
我感觉：“我能在任何时候 夹断你的脑袋 白种人！
I’m, like, “I could just crush your head at any moment, white man!
我现在就能杀了你！ 压碎你的脑袋！
I could just kill you right now! Crush those brains!
把你变成我的殖民地 知道嘛！”
Colonize the colonizer!” You know?
但是就婚姻而言
But I think that for marriage,
我觉得和自己一族的人结婚不错
it can be nice to be with somebody of your own race.
优势是当你回家后
The advantage is that you get to go home…
两口子一起做种族主义者
and be racist together.
你可以畅所欲言！
You get to say whatever you like!
你无需解释
You don’t gotta explain shit.
我老公是菲律宾日本混血
My husband, half-Filipino, half-Japanese.
我是中国越南混血
I’m half-Chinese and half-Vietnamese.
我们全部的时间都用来
And we spend 100 percent of our time
恶搞韩国人 太棒了
shitting on Korean people. It’s… amazing.
爱情的基础就是这个
It’s what love is built on, you know?
我的前男友是古巴人
My last boyfriend was Cuban
他的家里人会骂墨西哥人
and his family would shit on Mexican people all the time.
[不停骂]
我说：“别说了
And I was like, “Hold it.
你们不就是墨西哥人吗？”
You guys aren’t Mexican?”
亚裔美国男人被低估了
Asian-American men are very underrated.
我不晓得为什么没人追他们 他们性感极了
I don’t know why people don’t go for them. They’re the sexiest.
亚洲男人是最性感的
Asian men are the sexiest.
他们从脖子下都没有毛
They got no body hair from the neck down.
感觉就像是和海豚在做♥爱♥
It’s like making love to a dolphin.
天啊 太滑溜了 像是在滑行
Oh, my God. It’s so smooth, just like a slip and slide.
就像每天晚上 我的床上躺的都是鱼
Just black fish, Tilikum, all up in my bed every night, you know?
你要是和犹太人胡搞 你的身体就完蛋了
You mess with a Jewish dude and your body is all fucked up afterwards.
又红又有炎症 你想的是
It’s all red and inflamed and you’re like,
“我今天没有要求脱皮服务
“I did not ask to be exfoliated today.”
我再也不约会犹太人了 更像是丝瓜扒皮约会
“This is the last time I go on J-date, more like loofah date.
感谢你的地毯红 阿维”
Thanks for the rug burn, Avi.”
亚洲男人还没有一丁点体味
And then Asian men, no body odor. None.
他们身上只有责任的味道
They just smell like responsibility.
所谓的第五种味觉就是这味道
That’s where the umami flavor comes from.
我觉得我老公和我之间无需多言
I think my husband and I have a huge unspoken understanding,
就能心意相通
uh, between each other,
因为他是菲律宾和日本混血
because he’s half-Filipino and half-Japanese
我是中国和越南混血
and I’m half-Chinese and half-Vietnamese.
所以我们身上一半是华丽
So, we’re both half-fancy Asian…
一半是丛林
and half-jungle Asian.
没错！
Yeah!
你们知道二者的区别
You guys know the difference.
华丽来自中国和日本
The fancy Asians are the Chinese, the Japanese.
他们做华丽的事情 比如主办奥♥运♥会
They get to do fancy things like host Olympics.
而丛林里只有疾病
Jungle Asians host diseases.
所以是不同的
It’s… It’s different.
但是他成长于东海岸
But he grew up on the East Coast,
念的是私立学校 打曲棍球
going to private school, playing lacrosse,
学习拉丁语 下国际象棋 玩橄榄球
uh, you know, learning Latin and playing chess and rugby.
他像其他菲律宾人一样长大
He grew up like Filipino Carlton, OK?
所以他不了解越南人
So, he didn’t know anything about Vietnamese people
直到他遇到了我
until he met me.
我们刚开始约会时
And on one of our first dates,
他带我去洛杉矶西边的一个饭店
he took me to this restaurant on the west side of Los Angeles
饭店叫米粉秀
called Pho Show.
他说：“这是地道的越南菜 我在Yelp网上看过它！”
He was like, “It’s authentic Vietnamese. I read about it on Yelp!”
我说：“它不地道 好吗？”
I was like, “It’s not authentic, OK?”
首先名字就不正宗
You can tell, first and foremost, by the name,
因为名字里没有数字
’cause it don’t got a number in it.
其次从洗手间也可以看出来
Second of all, you can tell by the bathroom.
如果它是正宗的
If it was legit,
洗手间应该比储物柜大两倍
the bathroom would double as a supply closet.
当我方便时 我要看到 10加仑的漂白液和自动取款机
When I pee, I need to see ten gallons of bleach, an ATM machine
角落里还有一位 青光眼的老奶奶打瞌睡
and a grandma with glaucoma napping in the corner.
这里的服务人员也太客气了
And the wait staff here is too nice.
正宗的越南饭店里服务生 要大喊大叫精神虐待你
We need to leave this restaurant deaf and emotionally abused.
我小时候念的也是私立学校
I grew up going to private school, too.
我们就是私立学校的亚裔学生
Him and I are both total, like, private school Asians.
我俩也是嬉皮士
We both are big hippies, too.
我们喜欢当背包客 走遍东南亚
We like to backpack through Southeast Asia.
我们喜欢做瑜伽
We like to do yoga.
我们参与死藤水仪式
We do ayahuasca ceremonies.
我们参与安静冥想退省
We do silent meditation retreats.
没错 我们花了800块 让自己周末闭嘴
That’s right, we pay $800 to shut up for a weekend.
我们做类似这样的烂事
We do shit like that.
我们不吃含麸质的食物
Uh, we eat gluten-free,
意思是我们吃的面包 味道像散养的鸡
which means we eat all that bread that tastes like free-range Chewbacca.
我们吃那种被阉♥割♥过的面包
We eat that lesbian bread that’s like…
含百分之千日常所需纤维
a thousand percent of your daily fiber…
还有百分之二十的打油诗
and 20 percent spoken word poetry.
当你吃的同时你在作诗
When you eat it, you queef a shitty poem about…
支持变性人凯特琳詹纳
supporting Caitlyn Jenner or whatever.
所以这很有意思 对吧？
And so, it’s funny, right,
因为他也是亚裔
because he’s Asian, too.
但是有时候 我们做的这些 嬉皮士的举动
But sometimes, all of this hippy-dippy shit we do…
让我觉得我们是白种人
makes me feel like we are white people
做的是印象中亚洲人会做的事
doing an impression of Asian people.
比如我们墙上挂着中国卷轴
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