黄阿丽：小眼镜蛇（2016）

先生们女士们 有请黄艾丽
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage:
上台！
Ali Wong!
大家好！欢迎你们！谢谢大家！
Hi. Hello! Welcome! Thank you!
感谢大家的到来！你们好！
Thank you for coming. Hello!
你们好
Hello.
咱们得快点
We are gonna have to get this shit over with,
因为我十分钟后要去小便
’cause I have to pee in, like, ten minutes.
但是还是要十分感谢大家的到来
But thank you, everybody, so much for coming. Um…
今天我很兴奋 我今年都很兴奋
It’s a very exciting day for me. It’s been a very exciting year for me.
今年我33岁
I turned 33 this year.
耶！谢谢你们稀稀拉拉的掌声
Yes! Thank you, five people. I appreciate that.
我知道自己在变老
Uh, I can tell that I’m getting older,
因为现在当我看到18岁的年轻姑娘
because, now, when I see an 18-year-old girl,
我就自动想到
my automatic thought…
去死吧
is “Fuck you.”
去死吧 尽管我不认识你 但是你去死吧！
“Fuck you. I don’t even know you, but fuck you!”
因为我嫉妒死了
‘Cause I’m straight up jealous.
首先也是最重要的 我嫉妒她们的代谢功能
I’m jealous, first and foremost, of their metabolism.
因为18岁的姑娘敞开肚子吃
Because 18-year-old girls, they could just eat like shit,
然后排泄掉 然后就是扁平的小腹 对吧？
and then they take a shit and have a six-pack, right?
她们大腿内侧有美丽的缝隙
They got that-that beautiful inner thigh clearance
当她们合并双脚站着 中间有个大缝隙
where they put their feet together and there’s that huge gap here
你能看见光从当中通过
with the light of potential just radiating through.
然后她们安然入睡
And then, when they go to sleep, they just go to sleep.
对吧？她们不会失眠
Right? They don’t have insomnia yet.
她们都不知道失眠药是何物
They don’t know what it’s like to have to take a Ambien
不用下载冥想节目来平静
or download a Meditation Oasis podcast
因对家庭的歉意或恨意
to calm the chatter of regret and resentment towards your family
乱如麻的心情
just cluttering your mind.
她们的人生似锦
They have their whole lives ahead of them.
她们还没染上人乳♥头♥瘤病毒
They don’t have HPV yet.
她们在夜晚舒服地入睡
They just go to sleep in peace at night.
大家都有这种病毒 好吗？
Everybody has HPV, OK?
大家都有 它没什么大不了
Everybody has it. It’s OK.
新闻都说了 大家都有
Come out already. Everybody has it.
要是你还没有 想法子传染上
If you don’t have it yet, you go and get it.
你想法子 会感染上的
You go and get it. It’s coming.
要是你还没感染病毒 你太失败了 好吧？
You don’t have HPV yet, you’re a fucking loser, all right?
这就是大家对你的评价
That’s what that says about you.
许多男士不知道他们感染了 这种病毒
A lot of men don’t know that they have HPV,
因为病毒在男性身上检测不出来
because it’s undetectable in men.
这太糟了 病毒像 住在男性体内的幽灵
It’s really fucked up. HPV is a ghost that lives inside men’s bodies
但却体现在女性身上
and says, “Boo!” in women’s bodies.
我的医生告诉我 我有两种HPV病毒中的一种
My doctor told me that I have one of two strains of HPV.
一种会引发宫颈癌
Either I have the kind that’s gonna turn into cervical cancer…
另一种会被我的身体自行治愈
or I have the kind where my body will heal itself.
这医生不错 对吧？
Very helpful, this doctor, right?
所以我要不死掉
So, basically, either I’m gonna die…
要不就去江湖上祸害其他人
or you’re in the presence of Wolverine, bitches. We’ll find out.
我觉得自己在变老
Um, I can also tell that I’m getting older,
还因为我的电子书变成了自助图书馆
because my Kindle is turning into a self-help library.
我对《五十度灰》不感冒 好吗？
I’m not interested in books like Fifty Shades of Grey, OK?
我感兴趣的是 《改变人生的整理魔法》
I’m interested in The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up.
没错 比如如何简化我的房♥间
Yes. Yes, that’s right, how to declutter my home
以达到内心的平静和事业的成功
to achieve inner peace and my optimum level of success.
三十岁人的生活就这样 我该怎么转动这鬼东西？
That’s what your 30s is all about. How can I turn this shit around?
我这人糟透了 我对自己的人生不满意
I’m a horrible person, I’m not happy with where I am,
我该怎么转动这鬼东西？ 帮帮我 托尼罗宾斯 帮帮我！
how can I turn this shit around? Help me, Tony Robbins, help me!
我有囤积的毛病
I have a hoarding problem,
我希望它是我其他问题的根源所在
which I’m hoping is the center of all of my other problems.
我希望如果这个问题解决了 病毒也会消失
I’m hoping that if the hoarding goes away, the HPV will also disappear.
我有囤积的毛病 因为我母亲来自第三世界
I have a hoarding problem because my mom is from a third world country
她教育我永远不要丢弃任何东西
and she taught me that you can never throw away anything,
因为你不知道何时 国家会被独♥裁♥者控制
because you never know when a dictator’s gonna overtake the country
你的财富就会被抢走
and snatch all your wealth.
所以你最好留着三年级的固定架
So, you better hold onto that retainer from the third grade,
因为或许将来当你往屁♥股♥里塞金子
’cause it might come in handy as a shovel
准备逃离共♥产♥主义者
when you’re busy stuffing gold up your butt
可以拿它当铲子用
and running away from the Communists.
上次我回旧金山的家
The last time I was at home in San Francisco,
我本来要帮她清理破烂的
I was trying to help her get rid of shit.
大家不要效仿 那是我一生中最糟糕的经历
Don’t ever do that with your mom. It was like the worst experience of my life.
太情绪化
It was so emotional.
我们俩大喊大叫还动手 最终高♥潮♥是
We were screaming and fighting and yelling and it all came to a climax
她不肯放手
when she refused to let go
一个老式计算器的
of a Texas Instruments TI-82…
说明书
manual.
是说明书 她甚至都不知道
The manual. She don’t even know…
计算器去哪了
where the calculator is.
在座25岁以下的人
Those of you under 25
可能不知道什么是计算器
probably don’t know what that calculator is.
就是这个计算器欺骗了我们那一代人
It was this calculator that bamboozled my generation.
当我们读八年级时 人手必备一个
We were all required to buy it when we were in eight grade.
售价约二百块
It cost like $200.
大家都以为这是 朱迪杰森来自未来的笔记本
And everybody thought it was like this Judy Jetson’s laptop from the future.
为什么这么说呢？
All because what?
因为它有图表
It could graph.
它好比是当时的特斯拉车
It was like the Tesla of my time.
我母亲对说明书很有感情
And my mom got so emotional about the manual
她说：“人算不如天算”
and she was like, “You never know when you might need this.”
我说：“但是我知道
And I was like, “But… I do know…
你死后 我得收拾这些破烂”
that I’m gonna have to clean all this shit up when you die.”
我要早点开始动手
“And I’m not trying to be a procrastinator anymore.
因为狄巴克乔布拉博士说
Because according to Deepak-Oprah,
那不利于我获得最大的成功
that’s not the way for me to achieve my optimum level of success.”
在过去的一年里我成长了不少
I grew up a lot this past year.
我结婚了
Uh, this past year I also got married.
耶
Yeah.
嫁给一个现在感染上病毒的男人
To a man who now has HPV.
他太幸运了
Very lucky guy.
他给我爱情
He gave me something.
我给他病毒
I gave him something.
两者都是一辈子的事情
That will also last forever.
说真的 我是幸运的
No, really. I’m the lucky girl,
因为在他之前 我约会过不少渣男
because before him, I dated a lot of losers.
很多渣男 很多玩滑板的
Lots of losers. A lot of skaters.
你要是想当成熟♥女♥性 就别再跟玩滑板的约会了
You wanna be a grown-ass woman, stop dating skaters.
别再约会玩滑板的人 除非你想第二天在厨房♥的床垫上醒来
Stop dating skaters unless you wanna wake up on a mattress in a kitchen.
他们性感的外表下装的都是酒精
They’re sexy on the outside, malt liquor on the inside.
太可怕了
Horrible.
但是我的老公 我们初次相遇 是在婚礼上
But my husband, I first met him at this wedding
他比我好看多了
and, uh, he’s– he’s much better looking than me,
他跟我不是一个级别的
he’s way out of my league,
我看到他 心想 “天啊 他是谁？”
and I saw him and I was like, “Oh, my God, who is that?”
当时我了解到关于他的第一件事是
And the first thing I learned about him was that, at the time,
他在哈佛商学院读书
he was attending Harvard Business School.
我就想：“天啊 我必须要泡他”
And I was like, “Oh, my God, I’m gonna trap his ass.”
“一定要泡他！”
“Going to trap his ass!”
我一开始追他
And I trapped his ass initially
但直到第五天我才亲了他
by not kissing him until the fifth date,
这不是我以往的风格
which is a very unusual move on my part.
我这是欲擒故纵
But I did it on purpose,
因为我知道他喜欢主动出击
because I knew that he was a catch.
所以我想“好吧艾丽 你得想法让这哥们相信
So I was like, “All right, Ali, you gotta make this dude believe
你的身体就是一座秘密花♥园♥”
that your body is a secret garden.”
但其实是大众公园
When, really, it’s a public park…
举办过多次雷鬼群星汇
that has hosted many reggae fests…
甚至还偶然地留宿过
and has even accidentally let…
两个无家可归的人
two homeless people inside.
我以为他们是时尚人士 好吧？
I thought they were hipsters, OK?