改编剧本（2002）

我的光头脑袋瓜还管用吗?
Do I have an original thought in my head? My bald head?
如果我能快乐一点 也许就不会掉头发
Maybe if I were happier, my hair wouldn’t be falling out.
人生苦短 我得好好利用
Life is short. I need to make the most of it.
人生今日方开始
Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
我是个行尸走肉
I’m a walking cliché.
我得去看医生 检查我的腿
I really need to go to the doctor, have my leg checked.
我腿有毛病 长了瘤
There’s something wrong. A bump.
牙医生也打电♥话♥来 我已经赖很久了
The dentist called again. I’m way overdue.
如果我不再推推脱脱 我会更快乐
If I stopped putting things off, I’d be happier.
肥屁♥股♥整天坐着
All I do is sit on my fat ass.
屁♥股♥要是不这么肥 我会更快乐
If my ass wasn’t fat, I’d be happier.
这些衬衫的下摆 也不会老是塞不进去
I wouldn’t have to wear these shirts with the tails out all the time.
不是盖的
Like that’s fooling anyone.
肥屁♥股♥ 我又该慢跑了 一天5英里
Fat ass. I should start jogging again. Five miles a day.
这回决不黄牛 甚至去攀岩
Really do it this time. Maybe rock climbing.
我要洗心革面
I need to turn my life around.
该怎么办? 我需要恋爱
What do I need to do? I need to fall in love.
我要交个女友
I need to have a girlfriend.
多读点书 充实自己
I need to read more, improve myself.
学俄语好了 或者别的?
What if I learned Russian or something?
还是学一样乐器? 或者学讲中文
Or took up an instrument? I could speak Chinese.
那我就成了会说中文 又会吹双簧管的编剧
I would be the screenwriter who speaks Chinese. And plays the oboe.
那可神了 我要剪个短发
That would be cool. I should get my hair cut short.
不再自欺欺人 让人以为我不秃头
Stop trying to fool everyone into thinking I have a full head of hair.
真够可悲 真实点 拿出自信来
How pathetic is that? Just be real. Confident.
女人不就吃这套?
Isn’t that what women are attracted to?
男人不必好看
Men don’t have to be attractive.
但世风变了 尤其是最近
But that’s not true, especially these days.
男人的压力已经不比女人少
Almost as much pressure on men as there is on women these days.
我为何要受迫♥害♥ 认为自己没有存在价值?
Why should I be made to feel I have to apologize for my existence?
也许只是自己脑筋打结
Maybe it’s my brain chemistry.
或许这正是我的问题所在 脑筋打结
Bad chemistry.
我的失落和焦虑
All my problems and anxiety,
可以归结为脑筋不平衡…
can be reduced to a chemical imbalance
或是某种神经原不来电
or some kind of misfiring synapses.
真该去看个医生
I need to get help for that.
但再看医生也是一样丑
But I’ll still be ugly, though.
那是无救了的
Nothing’s gonna change that.
闭嘴! 闭嘴!
Shut up! Shut up! Okay?
“变脑”的场景 1998年夏
今天让我们真正解决 摄影机问题
Let’s really try today to solve our camera problems.
约翰马可维奇 主演
要把中间空档时间减到最小
Keep between-take time at an absolute minimum.
这些面罩有够热 知道吗?
These masks are really hot. Okay?
大家全都听清楚了
I wanna be very well-heard on that from everybody.
别打混 除非剧情真的需要
Don’t futz unless it’s absolutely important to the shot, okay?
我不是说自己 我在说所有在场的人…
I don’t say that for me. I say that for the people sitting here
谢谢你 约翰 -穿着沉重橡皮的人
Thank you. -In the rubber.
我喜欢我的洋装 行吗? -很好
I like my dress. Okay? -Very good.
现在 各位 请听劝告
So now, folks, you better heed that advice.
唐麦史密 首席助理导演
准备拍片
Okay? Heed that advice. Stand by for picture.
蓝斯亚可 放映师
让她在桌边转动 稍远一点
Have her rotate around the table a little bit further.
查理考夫曼 编剧
先等我们清场
Hold on until we’re clear.
你 你挡住视线了 请你离开舞台好吗?
You. You’re in the eyeline. Can you please get off the stage?
对 把6英尺的拿进来
Yeah, just bring in the six-footer.
我在干吗? 今天根本不该来的
What am I doing here? Why did I bother to come here today?
根本没人认识我
Nobody even seems to know my name.
我已经在世上40年了 却还是啥都不懂
I’ve been on this planet for 40 years, and I don’t understand a single thing.
为什么我在这里? 我怎会在这里?
Why am I here? How did I get here?
加州好莱坞
早在40亿又40年前
我的腿很痛 我担心是癌症
My leg hurts. I wonder if it’s cancer.
长了瘤 又开始流汗了 别流汗
There’s a bump. I’m starting to sweat. Stop sweating.
我一定要止住流汗
I’ve got to stop sweating.
她会看见我额头滴汗吗?
Can she see it dripping down my forehead?
她在观察我的发根 她认为我秃头
She looked at my hairline. She thinks I’m bald. She…
我们认为你很棒
We think you’re great. Oh, wow.
谢了 你真会说话
Thanks. That’s nice to hear.
我们都爱死变脑的剧本了
We all just loved the Malkovich script.
多谢 多谢… -见解很独到
Thanks. Thanks… -Such a unique voice.
我真想到你的头脑里面看看
Boy, I’d love to find a portal into your brain.
相信我 一点也不好玩
Trust me, it’s no fun. Heh, heh.
告诉我 你对这个疯狂计划的看法
So tell me your thoughts on this crazy little project of ours.
首先 这是本好书
First, I think it’s a great book.
兰花贼 苏丝欧琳
老许是个搞笑角色 对吧? -正确
Laroche is a fun character. -Absolutely.
而欧琳使得兰花更加迷人
And Orlean makes orchids so fascinating.
加上她对佛州的冥想
Plus, her musings on Florida,
和偷采兰花的印地安人
and orchid poaching, Indians.
简直是… 棒透的纽约客题材
It’s just… It’s great, sprawling New Yorker stuff.
我必须保持它的原有水准
I’d want to remain true to that.
我希望影片自己活起来 而不是…
I’d wanna let the movie exist,
硬梆梆的照本宣科 -好啊
rather than be artificially plot-driven. -Great.
我也不明白这到底是啥意思
I guess I’m not exactly sure what that means.
我也不清楚它的真正涵义
I’m not sure I know what that means either.
我只希望好莱坞的积习 不至于毁了它
I don’t wanna ruin it by making it a Hollywood thing. You know?
变成一部 兰花争夺战之类的电影
Like an orchid heist movie or something, you know?
或把兰花偷换成罂粟花…
Or changing the orchids into poppies
而演变成毒品追逐战
and making it about drug running.
绝对正确 -为什么就不能…
Definitely. -Why can’t…
纯粹拍一部花卉电影?
there be a movie simply about flowers?
我想我们正是这个意思
I guess we thought that maybe
苏丝欧琳和老许 可以相恋 而且
Susan Orlean and Laroche could fall in love, and…
这么说吧
Okay. But I’m saying,
就好比 我不希望充斥着性♥欲♥…
it’s like, I don’t wanna cram in sex
枪枝或飞车追逐…
or guns or car chases,
或是片中角色…
you know, or characters, you know,
洞悉了深邃的人生哲学
learning profound life lessons.
或成长 或相互接纳对方…
Or growing, or coming to like each other,
或突破万难 最后终于功成名立 我是说
or overcoming obstacles to succeed in the end, you know? I mean…
这本书不是这类故事…
The book isn’t like that
真实人生也并非如此
and life isn’t like that.
事实如此 而且…
You know, it just isn’t. And… Ahem.
我很坚持这个理念
I feel very strongly about this.
纽约客杂♥志♥ 三年前
约翰老许是个高个子 细长像竹竿…
John Laroche is a tall guy, skinny as a stick…
眼光冷漠 双肩微垂…
pale-eyed, slouch-shouldered,
轮廓俊酷 虽然烂光了满口门牙
sharply handsome, despite the fact he’s missing all his front teeth.
两年前我去佛州 替纽约客写一篇报导
I went to Florida two years ago to write a piece for The New Yorker.
那是在读到一篇一个白人
After reading a small article about a white man,
和三个印地安人的文章之后…
and three Seminole men
他们因为 偷盗稀有兰花而被捕…
arrested with rare orchids they’d stolen from a place…
偷采自叫做法喀哈契浅滩 的州立保育区
called the Fakahatchee Strand State Preserve.
佛州29号♥州公路 两年前
物竞天择之下每种物种
As natural selection works solely by,
只有最优秀者得以生存…
and for the good of each being,
躯体和心智的天赋 会趋于演化到完美
all corporeal and mental endowments will tend to progress towards perfection.
思考理解千头万绪的知识 很有意思…
It’s interesting to contemplate an entangled bank…
鬼兰
Polyrrhiza lindenii.
一个鬼魂
A ghost.
罗素 采下她
Cut her down, Russell.
法喀哈契浅滩 州立保育区
早 -嗨
Morning. -Hey.
可以请问各位 你们布袋里装的是啥?
May I ask you gentlemen what you have in those pillowcases?
当然可以问
Yes, sir, you absolutely may.
那就请说吧 -好吧
Okay, then, I’m asking. -Well, okay, then.
来瞧瞧
Let’s see.
这里有5种凤梨科植物…
We’ve got five kinds of bromeliad,
一棵胡椒草 九株各色兰花
one peperomia, nine orchid varieties.
你知道 总共有130种植物
You know, about 130 plants all told.
是我的同事们 采自这片沼泽
Which my colleagues here removed from the swamp.
你们明白从州有土地上
You’re aware it’s illegal to remove…
采摘或捕猎是违法的?