外星也难民：圣诞特别篇（2021）

Jamie transformed this town into an Escape From New York,
“人类之子””女孩梦三十”一样的反乌托邦
Children of Men, 13 Going on 30 type dystopia.
[分别是科幻片和浪漫喜剧片]
最糟糕的是 他仍逼迫我们在圣诞节
Worst part is, he still makes us have a Wintertainment Parade
晚上11点45分举♥行♥冬季大游♥行♥
at 11:45 p.m. on Christmas.
这时间也太精确了吧 而且这名字真难听
What a weirdly specific time. And a terrible name for a parade.
是真的 相信我
It’s canon, trust me.
现在参加游♥行♥的都是变异人
Now the parade is filled with mutants,
穿着床垫的野人
savages wearing mattresses,
和玩空手道的痴呆圣诞老人
and demented karate‐chopping Santas.
你懂的 因为杰米小时候学过空手道
You know, ’cause Jamie did karate as a kid
他爸还是床垫销♥售♥员什么的
and his dad worked as a mattress salesman or some shit.
我从没见过这么能讲背景故事的角色
I’ve never met a more backstory‐explaining character in my life.
响叮当宇宙中的所有人物都很肤浅
All characters in the Jingleverse are shallow.
这种电影就是这样的
That’s part of the movie’s DNA.
我也是在拖延时间 好让我朋友能杀了你们
I’m also stalling so my friends can kill you
并帮我把你们的尸体煮了
and help me cook your bodies.
掠夺者们 是时候饱餐一顿了
Reavers, it’s time to feast!
我们有肉吃了
We have the meats.
等下 你为什么说阿比汉堡店的标语
Wait, why are you saying the tag line from Arby’s?
[美国连锁快餐品牌]
响叮当宇宙里… 也有阿比汉堡店吗
Do… do they still have Arby’s in the Jingleverse?
这他妈是什么 这是我自己想的
What the fuck is an Arby’s? That’s just what I say.
停下 你们不需要杀了我们
Stop! No, you don’t have to do this.
我从”生活多美好”里偷了吉米·史都华[饰男主]的枪
I stole Jimmy Stewart’s gun from It’s a Wonderful Life.
偷得好 给我吧 你会打到自己眼睛的
Good stealing. Give me that. You’ll shoot your eye out.
好了 科尔沃 圣诞节快过了 我们该怎么办
Alright, Korv, Christmas is almost over. What’s the plan?
我有主意了
I have an idea.
有点冒险 而且刚开始听着真的很蠢
It’s a long shot, and it sounded really stupid way back at the beginning,
但如果我们想恢复圣诞精神
but if we want our Christmas spirit back,
就得给杰米搞到那个涡轮超人玩具
then we’ll have to get Jamie that Turbo Man toy.
拜托 你真觉得大家都在互相残杀时
Oh please. You really think we can finish that plot
我们还能演完这个情节
when everyone is trying to eat each other?
我们别无选择 分头去找吧
We have to. Let’s all spread out and search for a Turbo Man.
吉米·史都华在那部电影里什么时候有枪了
Since when did Jimmy Stewart have a gun in that movie?
那时候所有人都带着枪
Everyone used to carry a gun back then.
秀兰·邓波儿[著名童星]曾把枪塞在小妹妹里
Shirley Temple used to keep one up her hoo‐ha.
她那首”好船棒棒糖号♥”唱的就是这事
That’s what the song Lollipop is about.
废话 谁不知道
Duh. Everyone knows that.
我们快没时间了
We’re running out of time.
一小时后回到这里集♥合♥
Meet back here in an hour.
记住 别忘了传播圣诞节的欢乐
And remember, don’t forget to spread the Christmas cheer.
圣诞节快乐
Merry Christmas.
♪ 圣诞佳节 我别无所求 ♪
♪ I don’t want a lot for Christmas ♪
雪花 小糖果… 难吃的橙子巧克力
Snowflakes, sugar plums… shitty orange chocolate.
♪ 我只想身旁有你陪伴 ♪
♪ I just want you for my own ♪
想想就好玩 坐在一匹马拉着的…
What fun it is to ride on a one-horse…
一匹马拉着的敞篷…
A one‐horse open…
♪ 圣诞节 我想要的只有你 ♪
♪ All I want for Christmas is you ♪
不行 没人会想见到我的
No way! Nobody wants me here.
艾弗雷特
Everett.
爸
Dad?
儿子 我爱你 真对不起
Son, I love you. I am so sorry.
我… 我以为你讨厌我有双性恋倾向
I… I thought you didn’t want me to be a little bit bi.
我大错特错了
I was so wrong.
我这么做真是又恶心又愚蠢
That was super disgusting and stupid of me.
而且我发现安娜·帕奎因也有点双
Plus I found out Anna Paquin is also a little bit bi,
[加拿大女演员 出演”真爱如血””X战警””公♥关♥
她还是”X战警”里不可或缺的角色
and she’s an integral part of the X‐Men.
你看了我的交♥友♥网♥
You read my LiveJournal.
有人找到该死的涡轮超人了吗
Did anybody find a goddamn Turbo Man?
我找到了一堆涡轮女超人
I found a bunch of Turbo Women.
不要 这些太烂了 只是为了抢钱
No, those suck. They were just a cash grab.
这太傻了
This is stupid.
就不能用我们的高科技做一个吗
Why can’t we just use our sci‐fi stuff to make a Turbo Man?
我早试过了
I already tried.
我的3D打印机不愿侵犯版权 除非我们在关岛
My 3D printer won’t break copyright unless we’re in Guam.
[太平洋西部岛屿 美国海外属地]
让变异人吃掉我们算了
Let’s just let the mutants eat us.
总好过这辈子都不再有快乐和光明
Better than living the rest of our lives without being merry or bright.
我就不该逼你们一起看”一路响叮当”
I wish I never made us watch stupid Jingle All the Way.
我就该选一部普通的圣诞电影
I should have picked a regular Christmas movie,
比如”虎胆龙威””小魔怪”或”食人鱼3D”
like Die Hard or Gremlins or Piranha 3D.
[后两部是惊悚片]
泰瑞 你♥他♥妈♥闭嘴 这样也好不到哪去
Shut the fuck up, Terry. We’d be in the exact same situation.
这些都不是圣诞电影
Those aren’t Christmas movies.
明明就是
They are too.
发生在圣诞节的就是圣诞电影
Any movie that takes place on Christmas is a Christmas movie now.
看来”食人鱼3D”确实不是
I guess Piranha 3D doesn’t.
现在就是圣诞节啊
It’s Christmas right now.
是啊 我们知道 我们玩完了
Yeah, we get it. We’re fucked.
并没有
But we aren’t.
我们只要演完有杰米的情节就好了
We just have to finish any plot with Jamie in it.
既然是圣诞节 就都算圣诞电影
It will count as a Christmas movie ’cause it’ll be on Christmas.
这不对吧 是这样的吗
That doesn’t seem right. Is that how it works?
是的 天啊 我们不用演完”一路响叮当”
Yeah. Oh my god, we don’t have to finish Jingle All the Way.
任何故事都可以
We just have to finish any story.
那我们就去为我们80年前做的事
Then we’ll end this thing by apologizing to the little boy
向这个小男孩道歉 结束这一切
for something we did 80 years ago
拯救这个该死的圣诞节吧
and save the fuck out of Christmas.
我只想说 我不该把艾弗雷特赶出家门
I just wanna say that I was wrong to kick Everett out of the house
就因为他有双性恋倾向
for being a little bit bi.
不论他是弯是直还是双 我都爱他
Gay, straight, any amount of bi, I love him no matter what.
而且我现在相信 每个人都应该做自己
And I now believe everyone should just be whoever they are.
这正是耶稣所希望的
That’s what Christ would want.
阿门
Amen.
爸 谢了
Thanks, Dad.
别谢我
Don’t thank me.
谢谢这个小小的蓝色陌生人
Thank this little blue stranger
让我们一家人能在圣诞节团聚
for bringing our family together for Christmas.
我能为你做点什么
Is there anything in this world I can give you
来报答你的大恩大德
that even comes close to what you’ve given me?
真的吗
Really?
而且它就锁在装了儿童锁的柜子里
And it’s just locked up in a child‐proof cabinet?
杰米就住在顶楼
Jamie lives up there, in the penthouse.
很显然 他出人头地了
He’s clearly done well for himself.
我真为我们儿子感到骄傲
I’m so proud of our little boy.
好极了 是圣诞节游♥行♥
Aw great, it’s the Christmas Parade.
也就是说现在11点45分了
That means it’s 11:45 p.m.
还有15分钟 圣诞节就结束了
We only have 15 minutes until Christmas is over.
我就知道这时间这么精确是有道理的
I knew that time was specific for a reason.
怎么办 他们冲我们来了
What are we gonna do? They’re parading right at us.
贱♥人♥ 把我写进坏孩子名单吧
Put me on the naughty list, bitch.
我认得你们这些混♥蛋♥
Hey, I know you assholes.
我们 不不不
Us? No, no, no,
我们只是玩空手道的痴呆圣诞老人
we’re just a couple of demented karate‐chopping Santas.
去你♥妈♥的♥ 我们要吃了你们
Fuck that shit. We’re gonna eat you.
掠夺者们 是时候饱餐一顿了
Reavers, it’s time to feast!
牛肉在哪
Where’s the beef?
你总不能不知道这是温蒂汉堡店的标语吧
Okay, you have to know that tag line’s from Wendy’s.
这几乎是最有名的一句了
It’s… it’s like the most famous one.
我们好像甩掉他们了
I think we lost them.
天啊 我嘴里有脑花
Oh god, I got some brain in my mouth.
我看到一堆拿着恐怖末日武器的护卫
I’m seeing a lot of guards with crazy‐ass apocalypse weapons.
还有个家伙在卫生间里打飞机
And one guy is jerking off in the bathroom.
天啊 他真的玩很大 他在前后开动
Jesus! He’s really going to town. He’s fingering his own butt.
该死 我们真是倒大霉了
Damn it. We’re so fucked.
男的打完飞机总会变强
Guys who jerk off are always stronger afterwards.
他们会找到我们的 救命
They’re gonna find us, man.
我们要没时间了 怎么办
We’re running out of time. What are we gonna do?
还来得及把这些混♥蛋♥收拾一顿
Plenty of time to carve these fuckers’ new assholes
然后赶回家喝热可可
and get home in time for hot cocoa.
外星人小女孩说得对 我们能行
The little alien girl is right. We can do this.