外星也难民：圣诞特别篇（2021）

I guess The Christian Science Monitor’s 500 Best Holiday Movies list
并不像我以为的那么严谨
wasn’t as strictly curated as I assumed.
这太烂了 我们能直接退出吗
This blows. Can we just quit?
你不想为杰米找到那个玩具吗
You don’t want to find that toy for Jamie?
去他妈的 我们撤
Fuck it. Let’s bail.
简直是浪费圣诞季
Well, that was a waste of yuletide.
我们分头行动吧 做些超有圣诞气息的事
Let’s split up and do super Christmassy stuff
摆脱这电影带来的难受劲儿
to get that foul taste of Jingle All the Way out of our mouths.
我先来 我要打给圣诞老人
I call dibs on calling Santa.
把你的信♥用♥卡♥准备好
Ho ho ho! Get your credit card ready.
你拿着什么 小家伙
What you got here, little man?
我不认识他 是你朋友吗
I don’t know this guy. He your friend?
看着有点像艾弗雷特 那个双性恋小孩
He kinda looks like Everett, that little bit bi kid
[可能对应鲁伯特·艾弗雷特(Rupert Everett) 公开出柜英国男星 参演”同窗之爱””我最好朋友的婚礼
他在汽车客运站上夜班
who’s been working nights at the bus station.
见到圣诞老人你激动吗 -有点吧
‐ Are you excited to meet Santa? ‐ Sort of.
我确实喜欢向衣着讲究的陌生人提一堆要求
I mean, I do love giving a list of demands to a well‐dressed stranger.
是啊 但总感觉有些不对劲
Yeah. Something feels off.
来坐在圣诞老人的腿上
Ho ho ho. Come on and sit on Santa’s lap.
笑一个
Smile.
你很干渴吧
Yeah, look how dry you are.
我知道你想要 你这饥渴的小婊桦
I know you want this, you thirsty little birch[bitch].
我把水洒了
Ooh, I’m spilling it.
可惜你已经没有根须能湿润了
Too bad you don’t have any roots to soak it up.
泰瑞 你好像一点也不乐在其中
Terry, you don’t seem into this.
不如你再存50块 我们可以好好聊聊
Why don’t you deposit another 50 bucks and we can talk about it?
谁在乎呢
Who even cares?
为什么这样我才会有所感觉
Why is this the only way I can feel something?
我也是 连虐待这棵性感的死树都没意思了
I know. I can’t even enjoy abusing this dead, sexy tree.
我本该充满节日喜悦的心 现在只剩空虚
I feel an emptiness where there’s usually a glowing ember of holiday joy.
还有点胃酸反流 因为我吃饭没细嚼慢咽
And a little acid reflux because I don’t chew my food enough.
有人想和我一起出去被公交车撞吗
Does anybody wanna go outside and get hit by a bus with me?
我去 -我也去
‐ Yeah, I’m in. ‐ Me too.
如果是4路公交车就更好了
Especially if it’s number four.
等等
Wait!
果然和我想的一样
Exactly what I thought.
扫描中
Scanning.
飞船传感器显示 我们的节日精神已完全消失
Ship sensors indicate that our holiday spirit is completely gone.
这不可能 我爱圣诞节
That can’t be right. I love Christmas.
是”爱过”
Used to love Christmas.
现在节日气氛和我们的快乐都触底了
Now your holly and your jolly have bottomed out.
一定是”一路响叮当”太烂了
Jingle All the Way must have sucked so hard
扼杀了我们的圣诞精神
that it killed our Christmas spirit.
所以我们才会都想自残吗
That’s why we all want to cut ourselves?
所以死树再也不能让我们硬了吗
Is that why dead trees don’t make us all hard anymore?
一定有办法找回我们的圣诞精神
There has to be a way to get our spirit back.
找些开心的人 喝他们的血
Ooh, find someone cheerful and drink their blood.
可以
Yes, of course.
但我们还是得用”头号♥玩家设备”
But also, we have to use the Ready Player One Device
穿越回更好的节日电影
to go into better holiday movies.
这将是一剂爱的注射 恢复我们的节日精神
It will be a pure injection of fa‐la‐la to get our spirits back.
你是说我们能扮演所有经典圣诞电影的角色
You mean we can play parts in all the Christmas classics?
没错 外星难民要进入
That’s right. The Solar Opposites are going
所有你最喜欢的圣诞电影了
into all your favorite Christmas movies!
去你的吧
Suck my ass!
我要活下去
I want to live!
我要活下去 -我要活下去
‐ I want to live! ‐ I want to live!
我想要动森限♥量♥版任天堂游戏机
I want a limited edition Animal Crossing Nintendo Switch
然后活下去
and to live!
没人喜欢我们的傻鼻子
Nobody likes our stupid fucking noses.
与众不同太令人难过了
Being different sucks.
鲁道夫 我喜欢你们的红鼻子
Rudolphs, I like your red noses.
还有你们的麝香
I like your musk too.
而且现在正是我发♥情♥期的顶峰
And I’m at the height of my cycle.
我就知道
I can tell.
你们这是在…
What are you doing out here…
♪ 让我愿望成真 ♪
♪ Make my wish come true ♪
♪ 圣诞节我想要的只有你 ♪
♪ All I want for Christmas is you ♪
快看看我的圣诞精神 肯定恢复了
Check my Christmas spirit. It’s gotta be back.
这下应该可以了
That should have done it.
扫描中
Scanning.
你们的圣诞精神为零
Your spirit is at zero percent.
不可能 庆祝圣诞的事我们他妈都做了
That can’t be right. We’ve been celebrating the holiday AF[As Fuck].
我现在能感受到的只有疼痛
The only thing I can feel anymore is pain.
为什么要这样对我们
Why is this happening to us?
一定是因为我们没演完”一路响叮当”
We must have residual plot sickness
被它剩余的剧情困扰了
from not finishing the plot from Jingle All the Way.
但这个故事太逊了 毫无戏剧张力
But the story sucked ass. It had no stakes.
施瓦辛格的另一部”幼儿园警探”
Now, Kindergarten Cop, that was an Arnold movie
才真的会让你关心孩子的死活
where you cared if the kid lived or died.
但”头号♥玩家设备”不懂这些 它是中立的
Yes, but the Ready Player One Device doesn’t know that. It’s impartial.
它让我们扮演爸爸 就意味着
It cast us as the dad which means
即使这不值得拍一部俩小时的电影
that even if it wasn’t enough to carry a two‐hour movie,
帮杰米找到玩偶也是很重要的
getting that toy for Jamie was important.
没能尽到父亲的责任 我好像是挺愧疚的
I guess I am filled with regret that I wasn’t a better father to Jamie.
我们中途放弃了 铃铛就只响了半路
When we bailed, we only jingled part of the way.
明天就是圣诞节了
Christmas is tomorrow.
如果明天还找不回圣诞精神 就再没机会了
If we don’t get our spirit back before it ends, we never will.
你确定吗
Are you sure?
还记得老兵纪念日发生了什么吗
Remember what happened with Veteran’s Day?
我们失去了老兵纪念精神 就再也不支持军队了
We lost our Veteran’s Day spirit and now we don’t support the troops.
那我们该怎么办 皈依犹太教
Okay, so what do we do? Convert to Jewishism?
不 泰伦斯 我们只有一个选择
No, Terrence, there’s only one thing we can do.
就是回到响叮当宇宙里
We have to go back. Back to the Jingleverse.
这一次 我们要一路响叮当
And this time, we have to jingle all the way
找回我们的圣诞精神
and take back our Christmas spirit.
是的 这是艾弗雷特 好员工 走了真可惜
Yeah, that’s Everett. Good worker. Sad to see him go.
他坐736路大巴去拉斯维加斯了
He’s on the 736 to Las Vegas.
说想逃离家人 在那开始新生活
Says he’s gonna find himself a new life away from his family
更自♥由♥地做自己
where he can be a little bit of whatever he wants.
你不会想坐我旁边的 没人想
You don’t want to sit next to me. Nobody does.
这是怎么回事
Whoa, what happened here?
好恶心 闻着像记号♥笔在轮胎里内♥射♥了
Oh, gross. It smells like a Sharpie creampied a tire.
糟了 好吧 这里显然已经过去80年了
Oh no. Oh shit. Okay. Apparently, it’s 80 years later here.
可能响叮当宇宙的时间
I guess time moves a lot faster in the Jingleverse
比真实世界过得快得多
than it does in the real world.
没救了 这比以前更没有圣诞气氛了
This isn’t gonna work. It’s even less Christmassy than before.
也许没那么糟呢 看 还有圣诞老人
Maybe it’s not so bad. Look, there’s Santa.
这家伙是在拉屎吗 好恶心
Is that guy taking a shit? Eww.
操♥你♥妈♥ 对别人嘶吼去吧
Hey, fuck you. Go hiss at someone else.
你们疯了吗 快进来
Are you crazy? Get in here. Hurry.
这些家伙都他妈是谁
Who the hell were those guys?
变异辛贝
Mutant Sinbads.
他们在街上游荡 寻找涡轮超人玩具
They roam the streets searching for Turbo Man toys.
非常暴♥力♥ 专挑弱者下手
They’re quick to violence and prey on the weak.
变异人 圣诞电影里不可能有变异人
Mutants? There can’t be mutants in a Christmas movie.
完全就是硬塞进来的
These are completely shoehorned in.
就像”飙风战警”结尾的那只机械蜘蛛
Like that spider‐tank from the end of Wild Wild West.
[威尔·史密斯主演的美国科幻喜剧片]
我们好多年没庆祝过圣诞节了
We haven’t celebrated Christmas in years.
自从杰米掌权后就没有了
Not since Jamie took over.
等等 他是我们儿子
Wait, that’s our son.
我们四个外星人都是他父亲
All four of us aliens, we’re his father.
我知道这有点奇怪 别在意
I know it’s a little confusing, just go with it.
好嘛 你们这些父亲当得真烂
Well, you did a shit job raising him.
你们儿子是出了名的讨厌圣诞节
Your son famously hates Christmas.
他想废除所有节日活动
He wanted to get rid of any holiday activity
自从你们答应给他买♥♥涡轮超人
ever since you promised to get him a Turbo Man toy
然后抛弃了他
then abandoned him.
他都写在书里了
It’s all in his book.
杰米凭借他的媒体帝国和巨额财富
Through his media empire and immense wealth,
把这里变成了”纽约大逃亡”[美国科幻片]