外星也难民：圣诞特别篇（2021）

牛啊 科尔沃
Oh, fuck yeah, Korvo.
你把圣诞树装饰得真漂亮
You decorated the shit out of that tree, baby.
我太喜欢圣诞季了 泰瑞
I love this time of year, Terry.
让我想起了家乡节日的繁文缛节
It reminds me of all the rule‐heavy Shlorpian holidays from the Homeworld.
每年的狩猎老人活动总让我很兴奋
I used to get so excited for the Annual Elderly Hunt.
家乡风俗最棒了 对吧
Rituals, am I right?
你知道圣诞节的日期
Did you know Christmas is strictly timed
是严格按照地球公转轨道来规定的吗
to the orbital path of the Earth around the sun?
这他妈也太酷了吧
How fucking cool is that?
我们终于达成一致了 圣诞节就是最屌♥的
For once, we can agree. Christmas is the shit!
有数不清的糖果和热销商品
There’s so much candy and hot merch.
舞起来 拉屎的圣诞老人
Get your groove on, Crappin’ Santa.
给我拉一杯热可可
Dump that hot cocoa.
又黑暗又有巧克力味…
So dark, so chocolate…
你们在说圣诞节吗 我超爱礼物
You guys talking about Christmas? I love presents!
都不知道是收礼物更好
I don’t know what’s better,
还是退回商店换信用额更好了
getting them or returning them for store credit?
我喜欢我们能杀死一棵树
And I love that we got to kill a tree.
还能把它的尸体摆在家里
And that we’re keeping its body in the house.
听起来我们都爱圣诞节
Sounds like we all love Christmas.
除了蛹仔
All of us except the Pupa.
他每年这时候总是突然消失
He always just disappears around this time,
因为他讨厌圣诞节
because he hates Christmas.
圣诞节最棒了 蛹仔
Christmas is the tits, Pupa.
你到底有什么问题
What is your problem?
别这样 蛹仔
Come on, Pupa,
别像你毁了斋月一样毁掉圣诞
don’t ruin this like you ruined Ramadan for us.
蛹仔 你真是毫无圣诞精神
You’ve got no Christmas spirit, Pupa.
这可是一年中最美好的时光
It’s the most wonderful time of the year,
你这自私的小混♥蛋♥
you fucking selfish prick!
我能摇动你的枝桠 你却无法反抗
I could shake your branches and you can’t do anything about it,
因为你已经死了
because you’re dead.
真丢人 蛹仔 你简直就是格林奇
Shame on you, Pupa. You’re such a Grinch.
[童话”圣诞怪杰”中策划偷走圣诞节的绿毛怪]
没错 滚出去
That’s right, get outta here!
没找到真正的圣诞精神就别回来了
Don’t come back without hella serious Christmas spirit.
你最好带着礼物回来
I wanna see some gifts.
那个小混♥蛋♥总会明白圣诞节的真谛
One day, that little jerk will learn the true meaning of Christmas.
你是说拐杖糖和肉丸三明治吗
You mean like candy cane and meatball hot pockets.
你♥他♥妈♥说对了
Fuck yes!
这是”外星也难民”圣诞特辑
It’s the Solar Opposites Christmas Special.
斯洛普星是完美的乌托邦
Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia
直到被小行星撞击
until the asteroid hit.
100名成年人和他们的孩子分得了一只蛹仔
One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa
逃离到太空中
and escaped into, uh, the space,
寻找无人居住的新家园
searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.
我们坠毁并滞留在人口已经过剩的地球
We crashed on Earth, stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.
没错 是我一直在讲话
That’s right, I’ve been talking this whole time.
是我抱着蛹仔 我叫科尔沃
I’m the one holding the Pupa. My name’s Korvo.
这是我的节目
This is, this is my show.
我刚丢下了蛹仔 看到我了吗
I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?
这真可笑
This is ridiculous.
我讨厌地球 这是个糟糕的家
I hate Earth. It’s a horrible home.
地球人蠢爆了 他们这么喜欢圣诞节
People are stupid. They love Christmas so much.
你猜怎么着 耶稣是外星人
Well, guess what? Jesus was an alien.
他出生在七月 还对松树过敏
He was born in July, and he’s allergic to pine trees.
面对现实吧
Deal with it.
每年的这个时候 我们都会相聚在此
This is the time of year where we are compelled
庆祝我们的主和救主耶稣基♥督♥的诞生
to gather and celebrate the light of our lord and savior Jesus Christ.
感谢大家为反对节日商业化出力
Thank you all for rejecting the commercialization of the holiday.
只有在教堂 你们的灵魂才能真正得到庇佑
Only here in the house of God can your spirits truly be blessed.
阿门
Amen.
抱歉打断你的祈祷 我…
Sorry to interrupt the service. I just…
我犯了大错
I’ve made a horrible mistake.
我儿子上周出柜了 说他有双性恋倾向
My son came out as a tiny bit bi last week,
我就把他… 踢出了家门
and I… I kicked him out of the house.
我毁了我们的生活 我好想他
I’ve ruined our lives. I miss him so much.
圣诞节 圣诞节 圣诞…
Christmas! Christmas! Christmas! Christ…
给爷他妈的闭嘴
Shut the fuck up!
好了 孩子们 坐到一起
Okay, kids, gather around.
该进行我们的圣诞传统了
It’s time for our annual holiday tradition.
谁想看圣诞电影
Who wants to watch a Christmas movie?
我 我 我
Me, me, me, me, me.
我想办法搞到了
I managed to get my grubby little paws
“一路响叮当”的录像带
on a VHS copy of Jingle All the Way.
基♥督♥科学箴言报说这是必看电影
The Christian Science Monitor says it’s a must‐watch.
先别着急
Hold your butts.
何必呆坐在电视机前
Why watch Jingle All the Way
我们明明可以身临其境
when we can live Jingle All the Way?
还记得我们一起去看的”头号♥玩家”吗
Remember when we all went and saw Ready Player One?
不记得 只要不是偷走独♥立♥宣言的电影
No. But I wipe my mind after seeing any movie
[指尼古拉斯·凯奇主演的动作冒险电影”国家宝藏
我都会抹去自己的记忆
where people don’t steal the Declaration of Independence.
“头号♥玩家”里有一幕是
There was one scene in Ready Player One
那个电脑小子进入了”闪灵”
where that computer kid went inside The Shining.
等等 他们在电影里插了一部更好的电影
Wait, they just put a better movie inside their movie?
你还要解释很久吗 都已经说半天了
Is this explanation gonna take long? ‘Cause it already is.
这个创意很好
That one scene was a good idea.
所以我造出了一样的设备
So I made the same device in real life.
我叫它”头号♥玩家设备”
It’s called the Ready Player One Device.
你给设备取的名字也好烂 科尔沃
Your machine names are starting to suck, Korvo.
去你的平胸妹 我才不在乎
Tough tatas, I don’t care.
准备迎接节日魔法吧
Prepare for holiday magic!
所以我们只是跑到了
So we went from our suburban house
另一栋郊区别♥墅♥ 真行
to another suburban house? Amazing.
我们为什么都穿成这样
Why are we all dressed like this?
这个机器只能替换一个角色
The device only knows how to replace one character,
所以我们都扮演施瓦辛格的角色 爸爸
so we’re all playing Arnold Schwarzenegger’s role as the dad.
爸爸们
Hey, Dads.
怎么了 儿子
What’s wrong, son?
我想要胳膊和腿都会动的涡轮超人
I want the Turbo Man action figure with the arms and legs that move
他有回旋镖发射器和超酷的喷射背包
and the boomerang shooter and the rock’n roller jet pack
还有会说五句话的逼真的语♥音♥激活器
and the realistic voice activator that says five different phrases
比如 “现在是涡轮时间”
like, “It’s Turbo time!”
配件单独销♥售♥ 不包含电池
Accessories sold separately, batteries not included.
你说涡轮超人啊
Turbo Man? Yeah, right.
到处都卖♥♥光了 毕竟快到圣诞节了
Those are sold out everywhere. It’s almost Christmas.
真的吗 这个圣诞一定会超开心
Wow, really? That would make Christmas so great.
不 听着 我是说这不可能…
No, no. Listen, I’m saying that would be imposs…
谢谢爸爸们
Thanks, Dads.
看来在电影里 我们的角色同意
I guess in the movie, our character agrees
去买♥♥这个蠢玩具
to get this stupid toy?
那他就是个小贱♥人♥
Well, then he’s a little bitch.
等等 这就是”一路响叮当”的剧情
Wait, this is what Jingle All the Way is about.
没有威尔·法瑞尔的”圣诞精灵”和女士丝♥袜♥灯
No Will Ferrell elves or lady leg lamps?
是的 只是关于找一个难买♥♥的玩具
No, I guess it’s just about buying a hard‐to‐find doll.
给这部电影开绿灯的人一定是嗑大了
Whoever greenlit this movie must have been on so much cocaine.
糟了 等等… 这他妈是怎么了
Oh no. What? Wait, what the… what the fuck?
我中风了吗
Am I having a stroke?
老天爷 请毁掉我的左半边吧 那半边比较丑
Oh God, please take my left side. That’s my ugly side.
不 我们只是在移♥动♥去下个场景
No, no. We’re just moving to the next scene.
肯定马上就超有圣诞气氛了
I bet it’s about to get super Christmassy.
行吧 我们好像只是要去购物
Oh, okay, I guess we’re just going shopping.
别挡路 我孩子想要涡轮超人玩偶
Outta my way! My kid wants that Turbo Man doll,
没有什么能阻止我
and nothing and nobody is gonna stop me.
那是辛贝吗
Whoa, was that Sinbad?
[在电影中饰演邮递员马鲁]
这电影质量堪忧啊
Ugh, not a good sign for the quality of this film.
这他妈到底是什么鬼
The fuck is this movie?
没有雪 没有装饰物 一点圣诞气息都没有
There’s hardly any snow or decorations or anything Christmassy.
对不起了 各位
Oh, sorry, guys.
看来基♥督♥科学箴言报的五百佳节日电影