外星也难民：万圣节特别篇（2022）

舒服！
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah.
帮我拉伸了我身体里 和脊椎作用一样的植物纤维
Oh, that’s making the plant fiber I have instead of a spine
我好多年没这么舒服过了
feel better than it has in years.
该死 -嘿 没关系
Fuck. -Hey, it’s okay.
你只是不知道如何折磨外星人罢了
You don’t know how to torture an alien.
既然对肉体的折磨对你没效果 我们还有别的办法
If torments of flesh do not affect you, we have other ways.
看到你母亲被饿狼拆吃入腹 你会有什么感受？
How would you feel seeing your mother devoured by a wolf?
我没有母亲
I don’t have a mom.
我是由一截长在土里的植物 培育出来的
I was grown from a clipping in a bucket of dirt.
一截植物？
A clipping?
就是科尔沃身体的一小部分 他是我们小队的领袖
Like a tiny piece of Korvo, my team leader.
我是复♥制♥人
I’m a replicant.
我们通常对付的只有人类 和种族歧视的狗
We usually just deal with humans and racist dogs.
有时还有海豚
Sometimes dolphins.
你让我们别无选择
You leave us no choice.
你的惩罚将会由黑暗领主本人 来执行实施
Your misery will be orchestrated by the Dark Lord himself.
撒旦！
Satan!
就是那一点 继续折磨那地方 就是那里
That’s a good spot, keep torturing that, right there.
南瓜之乡
我知道你在这里
I know you’re in here.
这是我展览的最终站
This is the final stop of my walk-through.
也是你这条命的终点
And your life, too.
我要唱一首要命的小曲儿
Here’s a deadly ditty
讲一个爱找骂的电台主持 -安静
about a shock jock… -Shut up.
在墓地上班的故事
…with a graveyard shift.
别说了！
Shut up!
科尔沃！
Korvo! -Oh! Oh! Oh!
兰道尔 讲讲道理
Randall, b-be reasonable.
在某些州 杀了我也算是谋杀罪
Killing me, in some states, would be considered murder.
这就是我以后的生活了
This is my life now!
举办全年无休的怪物展
The Monster Mash all year!
孩子们会逼他们的家长 每天都到这里来
Kids will force their parents to come here every single day.
而我欠
And I’ll only owe
莎拉·劳伦斯学院的贷款只剩下 13万5千美元了
Sarah Lawrence College another $135,000.
在那之前 我会先把你大卸八块
Not if I carve you up.
你喜欢这感觉吗？
You like that?
兰道尔
Randall.Randall, no.
不要
兰道尔
Randall.
你是叫了我的名字吗？
Did… Did you just say my name?
接下来这个故事的主人公叫兰道尔
Here’s a tale about Randall,
他是一个出生于密歇根东北部
a little boy from Northeast Michigan
失去了惊奇心的小男孩
who lost his sense of wonder.
你怎么知道我是在哪里长大的？
Hey, how do you know where I grew up?
兰道尔没有意识到
Randall didn’t realize
如果你的生活只围绕着万圣节展开
that when your whole personality is being the Halloween guy,
那么其实 你每一年 只真正活了那一天
you only really get to live one night a year.
斗转星移
Time passes.
万圣节不再代表着改变 而是一种停滞不前的症状
Halloween is no longer a marker of change,but a symptom of stagnation.
时光匆匆而过 你的朋友们 都长大成人 成家立业
The leaves fall, your friends grow up and start families.
而兰道尔却没有任何变化
But Randall remains the same.
就像一个装饰品
Like a decoration.
流于外表 毫无用途
All form and no function.
就是一个活死人
A living death.
故事中的这个人是我吗？
Is the guy in the story me?
兰道尔以为他是最…
Oh, Randall thought he was…
给了他的同事
…to his coworkers,
那些人警告他 这些项目的竞争太激烈了
who warned him those programs were too competitive
所以不要把时间花在攻读艺术硕士上
and never spent the time getting that MFA.
他浪费了数年时光和上万美元 拿了一个毫无用处的学位
He wasted years and thousands of dollars on a useless diploma.
守墓人 你说的都是事实
Oh! Crypt Keeper, what you said, it’s all true.
我离自己期望的样子足有十万八千里
I’ve strayed so far from who I used to be.
我差点就要把我的邻居钉在板子上 然后把他装进展览箱里
I was ready to pin my neighbor to a board and put him in a display case.
我们都有过这样的时候 兄弟
We’ve all done it, bro.
我已经不认识现在的自己了
I don’t recognize myself anymore.
我觉得我受够这些活儿了
I think I’m done with all this.
我要开着我的露营车 一路往西
I’m going to take my camper van and drive west.
或许会在海滩附近 开一个肉馅卷饼小摊
Maybe open an empanada stand close to the beach.
小墓 我欠你一个道歉
Crypty, I… I owe you an apology.
一直以来 我以为你什么都不懂 但我错了
I thought you had no idea what was going on, but I was wrong.
你是个好人
You’re a good guy.
都围过来 听听这个 关于乔纳森的故事
Gather around to hear the tale of Jonathan,
他非常喜欢自己的口琴
who loved his harmonica.
这个故事也不吓人嘛
Well, that one wasn’t scary.
那支口琴是用人骨制成的
The harmonica was made of bones!
特里 杰茜 快过来
Terry, Jesse, come here.
别烦我们 我们正伤心呢
Leave us. We’re wallowing.
我找到守墓人了 他一定是自己找回家了
I found Crypt Keeper.He must have wandered back into the house.
小墓！ -小墓！
Crypty! -Crypty!
他还是我记忆中那副脏兮兮的样子
He’s just as dusty as I remember.
真是个小可爱
Mwah! What a cutie!
说到森林
Speaking of forestry,
下一个故事是 有个伐木工 他每次头疼就像是被锯开了脑袋
this next one is about a lumberjack with a splitting headache.
没错 继续给我们讲故事吧
Yeah, boy, spin us that story.
现在守墓人回来了 你们俩给我把眼泪收回去
Now Crypt Keeper’s back, you can stop being sad
我们可以继续做有趣的外星人活动了
and we can get to doing fun classic alien things we love.
比如修飞船 -别毁了现在的气氛
Like repairing the ship. -Don’t ruin this.
小队抱抱时间
Group hug time.
而且必须要拥抱超过20秒 否则就重头来
It has to last longer than 20 seconds or we’re starting over.
噗宝 过来啊 一起抱抱
Pupa, come on. Get in on this.
亚宇雷！
Yumyulack!
亚宇雷怎么了？
Yumyulack what?
天啊 看来你真的很怕这家伙
Oh, shit. You’re scared of this guy.
主人 这个放肆的…
Master, this impudent…
肃静！
Silence! You have failed me.
你们辜负了我的信任
竟然允许这生物毫无悔意和恐惧地
This creature has descended the levels of my infernal kingdom
沉入了我的地狱王国
without any remorse or fear.
妈呀 这也太帅了
Oh, shit! That was awesome.
这真的让我有点肃然起敬了
I’m actually starting to sort of respect you,
而且没想到 地狱竟然是一个公共机构
and, by extension, Hell as an institution.
你终于意识到我的力量有多么强大了
At last, you comprehend my power.
看看他们碎成什么稀巴烂了 真的太酷了
Look at their crushed asses. This is so cool.
我有点能理解万圣节 和那些幻想游戏了
I think I kind of understand the appeal of Halloween and fantasy shit now.
向这颗怀疑的种子敞开怀抱 亚宇雷
Embrace this seed of doubt, Yumyulack.
让它蓬勃生长
Let it blossom,
我就允许你侍奉在我左右
and you can serve at my side.
也许科幻并不是最性感的流派
Wow, maybe… Maybe sci-fi isn’t the sexiest genre.
怎么回事 这道光束是什么？
What’s happening? What’s that beam?
天啊
Oh, shit.
我的家人要把我复活了
My family is bringing me back from the dead
因为他们就是这么科幻酷炫！
because they’re sci-fi as fuck, baby!
这整个地狱都太没创意了 包括你 你这个大贱♥人♥！
All this stupid hell shit is derivative, including you, you big bitch!
停下！
Stop that!
给我回来！
Get back here!
吃我的科幻屎去吧 撒旦！
Suck my sci-fi, Satan!
抱歉我们没有发现你死了
We’re sorry we didn’t realize you were dead.
我们只是习惯了你在万圣节期间 去弗洛里达玩
We’re used to you heading to Florida during Halloween.
地狱之旅怎么样？
How was Hell?
不记得了 我没怎么留意
I don’t know. I wasn’t really paying attention.
等等 你用飞船里的坩埚 做了一个守墓人出来？
Wait. You used a cauldron in the ship to make a crypt keeper?
幸好我不在场
Glad I missed that.
太魔幻了 不是我的菜
Way too magical for my taste.
好了 亚宇雷 魔法也不总是邪恶的
Now, now, Yumyulack, magic isn’t always bad.
我遇见南瓜神灵了 他是真实存在的
I met the Great Pumpkin and he’s real.
真的吗？ -而且他现在绝对活得好好的
Oh, really? -And definitely still alive.
希望他某天也能来看我
I hope he visits me one day.
他一定会的 特里 一定
He certainly will, Terry. He certainly will.
什么？
What?
特里 你是不是贴出去了十万张启事 承诺只要能带一具尸体过来
Terry, did you put up 10,000 fliers promising money and free blowjobs
就酬以赏金和免费手♥淫♥？ -没错 怎么了？
to anyone who brought us a corpse? -Yes. Pourquoi?
那你最好把唇膏准备好