外星也难民：万圣节特别篇（2022）

给我们讲个
Do an anthological story at us.
很久很久以前 有一场
Uh, once upon a time, there was
星际战争 -模仿他的声音
Star Wars. -Do the voice.
有一个叫卢卡斯菲尔姆的人…
A man named Lucasfilm…
你没有他讲的有味道！
It’s not the same!
别折腾自己的眼睛 小心点！
Not your eyes! Be careful!
守墓人
Crypt Keeper.
我回来找你了
I’m here to collect you.
我从没打算抛弃你 你现在可以出来了
I always intended on coming back, so you can come out now.
守墓人？
Crypt Keeper?
守墓人？
Crypt Keeper?
谁想给我讲一个充满双关语的 闹鬼棒球队故事啊 我好想听
I wish somebody had a pun-filled story to tell me about a haunted baseball team.
守墓人 快给我滚出来！
Crypt Keeper, get out here!
我可不会在这个恐怖的森林里待太久
I’m not sticking around in this creepy-ass forest.
天啊 守墓人一定是自己找了回来
Holy shit. Crypt Keeper must’ve hobbled here,
被兰道尔恶心惊悚的房♥子吸引了进去
attracted to Randall’s disgusting, spooky house.
我去跟他解释一下
I’ll go explain the situation.
他会理解的 毕竟他是个商人
He’ll understand. He’s a businessman.
有胆就进来 安息吧
可爱的小鬼！ 什洛浦的神灵啊 请保佑我
Oh! Friendly ghosts! O, Shlorpian grey gods, watch over me.
不管了
Fuck this.
嘿 哥们 有什么事吗？
Hey, bud! Whassup?
还记得吗？
Remember?
法老 别靠近我！
Ah! Pharaoh, stay away!
兰道尔 -有什么需要我帮忙的吗？
Oh. Randall. -What can I do you for?
这事说来很有意思
I think you’ll find this amusing.
因为一些阴差阳错 我家的守墓人好像到你家去了
There’s been a hilarious mix-up, and I believe you have our crypt keeper.
天啊 我真是无地自容了 我不知道是这样 没问题
Oh, my God, I’m so embarrassed. I had no idea. Of course.
快进来吧 我们好好把这事理清楚
Come in. We’ll straighten this thing out.
要不你把他带出来吧
How about you bring him out
我就待在没有蜘蛛网的阳光下等你
and I’ll stay where there aren’t cotton webs.
里面我没有做装饰
I don’t decorate inside,
我需要有人搭把手才能把他带出来
and I’m going to need a hand bringing him out.
他重得要死 你懂吧
He’s dead weight, you know?
毫无创意 未经装饰的客厅 大量使用了不同深度的灰色♥色♥调
Oh! An uninspired, bare living room with a lackluster use of shades of gray.
这里简直像家装用品的展示间一样
It’s like a Crate & Barrel showroom in here.
我终于可以得到片刻安宁了
I-I-I can finally be at peace.
那是RH家具店的灌肠器吗？
Is that a Restoration Hardware enema machine?
我也看上了类似的一款
I’ve had my eye on one of those.
见鬼 兰道尔 你想干什么？
Damn it. What’re you doing?
别挣扎了 没用的 科沃尔
No use struggling, Korvo.
这是我上网搜来的绑♥架♥专用绳结
I googled kidnapping knots.
所以怎么挣扎都不会松脱
So they’re not coming loose.
你在干什么 某种万圣节活动吗？
What is this, some Halloween trick?
说实话 科尔沃 我恨死万圣节了
To be honest, Korvo, I fucking hate Halloween.
我讨厌跑来跑去的孩子和那些戏服
I hate the kids and the costumes.
我甚至对草莓夹心扭扭糖过敏
I’m even allergic to SweeTARTS.
但我喜欢这些乡巴佬为了参观一座
But I love the money these rubes pay me
纸板搭成的纯迷宫 而付给我的丰厚门票费
to walk through a stupid cardboard maze.
你都是假装的？
You’re a poser?
没错 都是假的
Oh, yeah, big time.
现在 有了守墓人 再加上一具 外星人货真价实的骷髅死尸
And now, with a crypt keeper and a real dead alien skeleton,
我就有足够的噱头 支撑这颗摇财树全年开放
I’ll have enough buzz to keep this honeypot running year round.
兰道尔 求你 别杀我 我们俩都讨厌万圣节
Randall, come on. Don’t kill me. We both hate Halloween.
我们是同一个阵营的
We’re on the same side.
救命啊 来人救命啊！
Help! Somebody help me!
我放了鬼屋的音乐 没人能听见你的求救声
No one’s going to hear you over my haunted house CD.
兰道尔 你这个混♥蛋♥ 放我走！
Randall, you son of a bitch! Let me go!
从前有一个空中乘务员…
Once there was a flight attendant…
闭嘴吧！
Oh! Shut up!
是我为闹鬼灯光秀定制的
That’s my delivery of 10,000 black lightbulbs
一万个黑色灯泡到了
for the haunted light show.
我很快回来 反正你们也无处可逃
Be right back. Not that you have anywhere to go.
去你的 兰道尔 混♥蛋♥
Fuck you, Randall. Fuck you.
九月有三十次杀戮…
Thirty slays hath September…
把嘴闭上 守墓人！
Cram it, Keeper!
特里 杰茜 你们看啊！
Terry, Jesse, look!
我们是不是该把一半的 寻“小墓”启示贴在后院？
We should put half of these Lost Crypt Keeper signs up in the backyard, right?
没错 我经常在这里待着 这里人流量不是一般的大
Oh, yeah, I’m back here all the time. Tons of foot traffic.
寻人启示 有线索请打给 8005550199
快看啊
Look.
你说得对 噗宝 在小墓回来之前 我们是不会放弃寻找的
That’s right. We won’t stop looking until Crypty’s home.
天啊 我真的好想他 我似乎还能闻见他的味道
God, I miss him so much. I can almost smell him.
该死的 他从网上搜来的打结方法 竟然真的很管用
Damn it! He googled the shit out of these, all right.
守墓人 你听我说
Crypt Keeper, listen.
如果我们俩同时朝相反的方向拉扯…
If we lean away from each other at the same moment,
我觉得我们可以… -敲敲门
I think we can… -Knock, knock.
是谁害怕了？
Who’s scare?
僵尸新娘驾到！
A dead bride!
该死 这是对牛弹琴
Fuck, it’s no use.
如果我没有忙着抵触万圣节的一切
If I hadn’t been too busy being a Halloween humbug,
可能我就不会傻傻地掉进陷阱
I could have seen this coming.
如果我能回到过去 喜欢这个愚蠢的节日就好了
I wish I could go back and like this stupid holiday.
南瓜神灵
The Great Pumpkin.
如果他真实存在就好了
If only he was real.
不管了 拜一下也不会死
Fuck it. It can’t hurt.
噢 南瓜神灵 请聆听我的祈祷
O, Great Pumpkin, hear my prayer.
我知道我说了你很多坏话 但那只是因为我总是在圣诞节倒霉
I know I’ve talked a lot of shit, but I’m at All Hallow’s rock bottom.
现在我相信你 南瓜神灵 我相信你的力量
I believe in you, Great Pumpkin. I do. I believe.
帮帮我吧 神圣的橙色神灵！
Help me, o, Holy Orange One!
帮帮我 求你了
Help me, please.
看来有人准备好过万圣节了
Wowie! Sounds like someone in here is ready for Halloween.
天啊 不会吧
Oh, my God, no way.
南瓜神灵 你真的存在
The Great Pumpkin. Y-Y-You’re real.
我听到了你的谩骂和祈祷 科尔沃
I heard your haunted prayers, Korvo.
我能听出来 你真的相信
I can tell that you believe.
抱歉我曾经那样质疑你 我不敢相信你真的出现了
I-I-I’m sorry I doubted you. I can’t believe you’re really here.
我一直都在你的心里
I’m always right here.
拜托帮忙放了我们
Please free us.
有个假装喜欢万圣节的家伙 想杀了我和守墓人
There’s a Halloween impostor who’s trying to kill me and Crypt Keeper.
科尔沃 就算害怕也没关系
Korvo, it’s okay to be scared.
你要记住
Just remember,
万圣节的重点不仅仅是 哥布林和食尸鬼
Halloween isn’t all about goblins and ghouls.
通过用异教♥徒♥代表死亡的标志 装饰我们的家
By adorning our homes with pagan symbols of death
佩戴面具
and wearing masks,
我们会剥离生活中的假象 接触到自身最原始的真实本质
we set free the artifice from our lives and connect with our primal truth.
恐惧代表你还活着
To be afraid is to be alive.
你知道吗 你说得太对了
You know what? You’re absolutely right.
谢谢你
Thank you.
不客气 现在我得走了
No problem. Now I have to go.
印第安纳有个小男孩正在祈祷 他想吃糖果 还想再见他父亲一面
A little boy in Indiana is praying for candy and to see his daddy again.
再见了 科尔沃 万圣节快…
Goodbye, Korvo. And Happy Hallo…
快住手 你在做什么？
Stop. What are you doing?
抱歉 我别无选择
I’m sorry. I had no choice.
放下…把它给我！
Drop the… Give me that!
别评判我 守墓人
Don’t judge me, Crypt Keeper.
一个长长的坟墓中 住着浑身布满伤痕的食尸鬼…
A long tomb a-ghoul, in a galaxy scar, scar a-slay…
如果想活命的话 就把嘴闭上
Keep your mouth shut and we might survive.
我是说 我还想活命 你可以继续你现在的形态
I mean, I’ll survive and you’ll keep being whatever you are.
矫健的棕色狐狸跃过懒惰之毒…
The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy… poison!
见鬼 该死！
Fuck, fuck, fuck, God damn it!
冰雪公主！
Ice princess!
见鬼
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
什么鬼…
What the…
见鬼 该死
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
科尔沃 你死定了 听到了吗？
Korvo, you’re fucking dead, you hear me?
你永远也走不出我的老少皆宜闹鬼展
You’ll never find your way out of my family-friendly haunted walk-through.
你现在没法冷嘲热讽了吧
Not so indifferent now, are we?
地狱里的人怎么这么吵？
How is there so much talking in hell?
叽叽喳喳地向我挑衅 只证明你有多没安全感
All these check-ins are revealing how insecure you are.
转动轮轴
Turn the handle.