撒谎精自传（2012）

烟斗很有用 因为要是有人说了什么我不懂的事
The pipe was very useful. If anyone said anything I didn’t understand,
我就能抽着烟斗装出沉思的样子来
I could puff on it and seem deep in thought.
这位在墙上写的同《万世魔星》里Brian写的一样：拉丁语“罗马人滚回老家去”
粗呢大衣骗不过任何人 可烟斗特别好使
The tweed suit didn’t fool anybody, but the pipe worked a treat.
上课的时候 老师都比较少提问我
In tutorials, I was asked fewer questions.
同时 烟味也能驱散解剖室的福尔马林味道
It also helped clobber the stench of formalin in the dissecting rooms.
描述一下♥阴♥♥道♥
Describe the vagina.
凯文！
Kevin.
呃 好的
Um, right.
– 那个 这是个敏感的器官 – 什么意思？
– Well, it’s a sensitive organ. – What do you mean?
呃 它大概有四点五英寸长
Well, it’s about four and a half inches long
本身 呃 非常敏感
and it’s, uh, very sensitive.
瞎说 阴♥道♥的敏感部分只有它的前端 小伙子
Balls! The only thing sensitive about the vagina is in the front of it, lad.
除了外物穿过会阴肌群
Apart from a certain sensation
这一感知之外
because something has passed through the perineal musculature,
阴♥道♥本身基本是无感的！
the vagina itself is virtually numb!
你的回答不但表现出你对于解剖知识的匮乏
You answer shows not only a lack of anatomical knowledge,
还表现出了完全的社会性无知
but a complete social ignorance.
你显然从没和女人上过床！
You’ve obviously never slept with a woman!
那里不行
Not that bit!
实在不好意思 老伙计 不过性这个话题太深奥
Awfully sorry, old chap, but sex is a rather difficult subject
我也不知道自己是怎么了
and I don’t know what came over me.
那啥 还是去吃午饭好了
Oh, well. Better go and have lunch, I suppose.
有一起吃包子的吗？
Anyone coming to the bun shop?
谢天谢地 这堂课还算快
Oh, thank God. That was a short tutorial.
我在剑桥的第一年 试着加入脚灯社
In my first year at Cambridge, I tried to join the Footlights Club,
委员会
后来才知道当初能进的唯一原因
realising that the only reason I’d gone there in the first place
就是我看了脚灯社的电视版年度汇演
was that I’d seen a television version of a Footlights annual revue.
主席-David Frost
我当时演了一根胡萝卜
I impersonated a carrot
以及一个被巨大的磁铁拉下台的 有铁制指尖的男人
and a man with iron fingertips being pulled offstage by an enormous magnet.
太棒了
Really super.
同一场面试中
In the same set of auditions,
John Cleese表演了踩踏仓鼠的桥段
John Cleese did a routine of trampling on hamsters
同时发出了被踩到后痛苦的吱吱声
and can still do a good pain-ridden squeak.
怎么样？
How about that?
我们都选上了 不久之后就都穿上了写有
We were both selected and very soon were able to wear black sashes
“能鹰隐爪” 的黑色缎带
with “Ars Est Celare Artem” on them.
“ 有艺术而不露才是真艺术”
“The art was to conceal the art.”
196♥4♥年3月 新的生物化学和生理学系
March 196♥4♥. The new biochemistry and physiology block
由女王陛下主持开设
was being opened by Her Majesty the Queen Mother.
那时 作为学生会秘书
At the time, being secretary of the Students’ Union,
我受邀和其他学生会人事在她视察完场地之后
I was invited to join Her Majesty for tea with other members of the student body
与女王共进下午茶
after her tour of the new premises.
我欣喜地发现她要求和学生们一起喝茶
I was pleased to find out that she had asked to come to tea with the students
而不是一大堆穿着红礼服带着傻软帽的老家伙们(学校领导和教授)
and not with a lot of old gits in red gowns and stupid floppy hats.
皇家金酒
皇家 冰块
哎呦 不错哦
Ah, yes.
你喜欢加点什么？
How do you take yours?
低糖金汤力加冰不加柠檬 陛下
Gin and Slimline tonic with ice but no lemon in, Your Majesty.
干杯
Cheers.
喝茶时我向女王陛下解释说 我收到邀请作为剑桥马戏团的一员
During tea, I explained to Her Majesty that I had the offer of going to New Zealand
去新西兰进行文艺表演
as a member of Cambridge Circus, a revue,
但是这就意味着有六个月都不能进行医学课程了
but that this would mean taking six months off medicine
我父母对此强烈反对
and my parents had yelped strongly against this.
你真该去新西兰看看
You really must see New Zealand.
特别美丽的国家
It’s a very beautiful place.
我的性生活基本就是和女人上♥床♥的同时
My sexual life consisted of going to bed with women
脑子里想着男人
while dreaming about men.
第一个伴侣是传统的学生之友 一名护士
The first one was the student’s traditional friend, a nurse.
她有点胖 还特别烦人
She was rather podgy and extremely repellent,
但是我只是精虫上脑
but I just wanted to get my end away.
她就是典型的”躺下想想曲棍球和英格兰”(以前母亲在女儿新婚夜的建议)那种
She was a real “lie down and think of hockey and England” type,
在摸了她一小会儿 却没收到热情的回应之后
and after a brief grope that was not enthusiastically received,
我盯着她的胸部看了会儿 想着”呕”
I looked her hard in the breasts and thought, “Yuck.
“酒吧还没关门 我还是让她走好了”
“The bar’s still open. I’ll get rid of her.”
酒吧里还有一个女学生 获得了广大年轻人的青睐
There was another female student getting a lot of attention from the lads.
但鉴于我只会讨好 不会开口的本性 我坐在了她那一桌
But of a rather fawning, not daring to ask nature, I sat down at her table.
没理她的那些小跟班们 我大着胆子递给了她一盘抹着三明治酱的三明治
Ignoring her minions, I boldly passed her a plate of sandwich spread sandwiches
问她愿不愿意走
and asked her if she’d go.
她聪明地答道”今晚在我房♥间见”
She was intelligent enough to say, “See you in my room tonight.”
我们度过了无比欢乐的一年
We had a bloody good time for a whole year.
她精力充沛 想象力丰富 我们百无禁忌尝试了很多
She was athletic and imaginative. We went right through the card.
不止用了传教士体♥位♥ 还在地板上试了后入
It wasn’t just British missionary, but doggie on the floor,
地板上站着来一发 桌上 淋浴房♥ 浴缸里
on the floor standing, on the desk, in the shower, in the bath,
浴缸旁边 在别人家里主人没注意的时候
near the bath, at someone else’s place while they weren’t looking,
在列车驶过伯明翰时的乘警车厢里
and in a guard’s van through the whole of Birmingham.
这段描述让我感觉…
The description of this passage has made me feel…
抱歉啊
Excuse me.
好多了
Oh, that’s better.
我享受这段经历 但是差不多九个月之后 就开始厌倦了
I liked the experience, but after nine months or so, it began to pall
开始觉得自己宁可和哥们儿坐酒吧喝酒
and I felt I’d rather spend more time in the bar drinking with the lads.
现在回头想想 这基本就是胡说八道
This is hardly even partly true in retrospect.
我清楚地记得有一两次
It’s just that I definitely do remember once or twice
对于男性身体的幻想在我做♥爱♥时悄悄出现
thoughts of men’s bodies creeping into my mind while in coitus.
我绝定对自己进行临床分♥析♥
I decided that I should do some clinical tests on myself,
所以后来每次我搭乘出租 地铁 火车或者公交车的时候
so whenever I went in a taxicab, tube, train or bus,
我会观察过往行人 然后试着告诉自己
I looked at each passer-by and tried to tell myself honestly
我愿意和哪些人上♥床♥
which ones I would like to go to bed with.
结果是男女比例大概是七比三
And the ratio of boys to girls was something like seven to three,
用金赛性学报告来衡量的话
which puts me clearly on the homosexual side of the scale,
我绝对是同性恋那一端
as suggested in the Kinsey Report.
看啊 他说他正和一个叫作
Look. He says he’s on tour
剑桥马戏团的社团在巡演 是个文艺演出
with something called Cambridge Circus, a revue.
女王陛下让他去的 你知道吧
The Queen Mother told him, you know,
女王大人告诉Graham说 新西兰是个特别漂亮的地方
and as Her Majesty was telling Graham, New Zealand is such a beautiful place.
她说绝对值得去看一下 基本这就是奉旨巡演啊
She said he really had to go and see it. It’s by royal command, really.
去过了新西兰和美国之后
A trip to New Zealand and America
我的眼界开阔了不少
made me more broad-minded about myself.
在确定了取向之后 我放弃学医 开始成日搞基
And immediately after qualifying, I gave up medicine and became a raging poof.
但不是娘炮那种 是抽着烟斗的型男
But no mincing. A butch one with a pipe.
Graham 去BBC的出租车来了
Graham, taxi’s here for the BBC!
弗罗斯特报告
非常感谢大家 今晚的话题 阶级
Thank you very much indeed. Tonight: class.
有人说阶级界限在日渐模糊 但是如果当代广♥告♥业说的…
Some people say it’s disappearing,but if modern advertising…
请进
Come in.
请进 Thompson 很高兴你能来 我有话找你谈
Come in, Thompson. Nice to see you. It’s time we had a little chat.
– 好的 谢谢先生 – 很好
– Thank you, sir. – Good.
别坐地板上啊 Thompson 坐椅子上
Don’t sit on the floor, Thompson. Sit on the chair.
最近怎么样啊Thompson？
How are you, Thompson?
– 很好 先生 – 好的 太好了 你看起来不错
– Fine, sir. – Good. Splendid. You look well.
今天早上我和Evans小姐聊起你的拉丁韵文写作的事儿
I was talking this morning to Miss Evans about your Latin verse.
散文还不错 但是韵文还欠缺了一些 得努力啊 这很重要的
The prose is all right, but verse is weak. You’ve got to do something about it. You know, it’s very important.
– 好的先生 – 唔
– Yes, sir. – Hmm.
Thompson 你是不是中弹了？
Thompson, have you been shot?
是的先生 就中了一点儿
Yes, sir. Just a bit.
谁开的枪 老师还是学生？
Well, who shot you? A master or a boy?
– 是同学 先生 – 那就好
– A boy, sir. – Oh, good.
大家好啊 今晚真是太棒了 太棒了
Hi, guys. Hello. Super show tonight. Super.
我不能久留 要赶飞机
Look, I can’t stop. Got a flight to catch.
我想着你们这几个小伙子应该一起写个电影剧本
I was thinking you boys ought to write a film script.
会很棒的 绝对棒
It’d be super, absolutely super.
我会送你们去西班牙写剧本 你们会喜欢的
I’m sending you off to Spain to write the script. It’ll be great fun.
话说 我要走了 他们在叫我的航♥班♥号♥了 回见
Anyway, I’ve got to go. They’re calling my flight. Bye.
太棒了
Super.
既然已经到了 我们首先要做的就是检阅一下每一片的沙滩
Well, now we’re here, the first thing we should do is examine all the beaches
看看哪里最适合写一个发生在伦敦的电影
to find out which will be the best place to write a film set in London.
伊比沙岛阳光普照 伦敦大家都知道的
我一般都会花上两个星期才能适应当地气候
Well, it usually takes me two weeks to get acclimatised
我一会儿还得去吐一场
and I still haven’t thrown off this throat.
天真是太热了 对吧 我也感觉有点虚来着
It is rather hot, isn’t it? I’m feeling a bit groggy myself.
休息个几星期应该会好点