丧尸乐园（2009）

美国
Oh, America.
我希望告诉你这里仍是美国
I wish I could tell you that this was still America,
但我意识到
but I have come to realize
没人的地方不能称为国家
that you can’t have a country without people.
而这里就没人
And there are no people here.
不! 不!
No! No!
滚开 操
Go back– Fuck!
不 朋友
No, my friends.
如今这里是”僵尸合众国”
This is now the United States of Zombieland.
灾难迅速地一发不可收拾
It’s amazing how quickly things
真是让人惊讶
can go from bad to total shit storm.
当周围所有人都成了口中餐
And why am I alive when everyone around me
我又是怎样活下来的呢
has turned to meat?
因为我有一套准则
It’s because of my list of rules.
僵尸之地活命准则之一 有氧健身
Rule number one for survival Zomibeland. Cardio.
该死
Fuck!
显而易见 当僵尸来袭
When the virus struck, for obvious reasons,
首先丧命的是胖子
the first ones to go were the fatties.
可怜的傻胖子
Poor fat bastard.
但当僵尸肆虐 以至天下大乱时
But as the infection spread and the chaos grew,
单凭腿脚快是不够的
it wasn’t enough to just be fast on your feet.
你得有枪且会用
You had to get a gun and learn how to use it,
这就是我的准则之二 再补一枪
which with me the second rule. The Double Tap.
如果你不确定
In those moments when you’re not sure
那些僵尸死透了
the undead are really “dead” dead,
不要吝惜你的子弹
Don’t get all stingy with your bullets.
我的意思是 补射爆头
I mean, one more clean shot to the head,
这位女士本不会变成人肉大餐的
And this lady could have avoided becoming a human happy meal.
早知今日 何必当初
Woulda, coulda, shoulda.
很快僵尸们都学乖了
Wasn’t long before the zombies began to get clever.
你刚一”轻松”
When you’re at your most vulnerable,
它们就闻到了
somehow they could just smell it.
拉屎都不让我清静一下吗
Can’t a guy take a dumper in peace?
蹲坑时别被僵尸抓到
Don’t let them catch you with your pants down.
准则之三 小心厕所
Rule number three. Beware of bathrooms.
鉴于僵尸的数量远多于人类
As zombies began to outnumber humans,
那时你得斩断所有情感纠结
well, that’s when you had to cut all emotional ties.
如果邻家女孩现在变成了一群烦人的小僵尸
If the girls in your neighborhood are now fucked-up little monsters,
是时候甩掉搭便车的人了
well, maybe it’s time to stop driving carpool.
你自己保命要紧
You had to focus on your own survival,
这就是准则之四 非常基本
which leads to Rule number four. Pretty basic.
系好安全带 这将是一路颠簸的旅程
Fasten your seat belts. It’s gonna be a bumpy ride.
《僵尸之地》
Zombieland
下面那个家伙就是我 在德州 加兰
That guy down there is me. I’m in Garland, Texas.
看起来那里已被僵尸捣毁了
and it may look like zombies destroyed it,
但其实加兰就这样
but that’s actually just Garland.
两个月前 第一位病毒感染者
It’s been two months since Patient Zero
在一家加油站
took a bite of a contaminated burger
吃了一口感染僵尸病毒的汉堡
at a Gas n’ Gulp.
刚过两个月
Just two months,
我就成了村子里最后一个不吃人的怪胎
and I might be the last non-cannibal freak in the country.
我看起来不太可能成为幸存者
I may seem like an unlikely survivor,
因为我患有恐惧症和过敏性肠综合症
with all my phobias and irritable-bowel syndrome.
但我的优势在于 没有任何亲朋好友
But I had the advantage of never having any friends or any close family.
我之所以幸存是由于我处处小心 遵循法则
I survive because I play it safe and follow the rules.
我的法则
My rules.
法则一 有氧健身
Rule 1: Cardio
该死
Shit.
法则一 有氧健身
Rule 1: Cardio
必须的
Of course.
法则四 系好安全带
Rule 4: Seatbelts
见鬼
Motherfucker.
法则二 再补一枪
Rule 2: Double Tap
所幸的是
On the bright side,
我找到个上大号♥的地方
I had found a place to go number two.
另一条僵尸之地的活命法则 轻装旅行
Another rule to surviving Zombieland. Travel light.
我说的不只是行李
And I don’t mean just luggage.
我一直是孤身一人
I have always been kind of a loner.
即使别人不是僵尸以前
I avoided other people like they were zombies
我都避开他们就像他们是僵尸
Even before they were zombies.
现如今他们都成僵尸了
Now that they are all zombies,
我倒有点儿怀念人类了
I kind of miss people.
我正从德州奥斯丁的大学寝室
So I’m on my way from my college dorm in Austin, Texas
前往俄亥俄州的哥伦布市
to Columbus, Ohio,
希望住在那里的父母还活着
where I’m hoping my parents are still alive.
即便我和父母关系疏远
Even though we were never really close,
能看到张熟悉的面孔也很好
it would be nice to see a familiar face,
或者任何不是满嘴
or any face, that doesn’t have blood dripping from its lips
血肉模糊的面孔也好
and flesh between its teeth.
谢啦
Thank you.
-你找什么呢 -没什么
– What are you looking for? – Nothing.
我只是…有这习惯[检查后座]
I just, uh– I just have this list.[Check the back seat]
后座只有我的行李袋没有”人”
No one back there but my duffel bag.
你叫什么
Uh– What’s your name?
打住 别问名字
Stop. No names.
别让彼此走得太近
Keeps us from getting too familiar.
你差点用刀子打翻了酒瓶
You almost knocked over your alcohol with your knife.
不用 你不必这样的
That’s okay, you don’t have to.
那么你要去哪里
So where you headed?
哥伦布市 你呢
Columbus. you?
塔拉哈西
Tallahassee.
再来一杯吗
Once?
不 就一杯 一杯酒足够了
No, one for me. One and done,
我总是这么说 以前也这样说过
I always say. I said that once.
塔拉哈西和哥伦布
You know, Tallahassee and Columbus
都是在…东部
are both, uh, east.
那又怎样
So?
塔拉哈西人 想要个旅伴吗
So, Tallahassee, you wanna stick together?
哪怕一小段路
Least for a while?
是这样的 哥伦布人
Here’s the deal, Columbus. uh…
我不是个好相处的人
I’m not easy to get along with,
而且我感觉你有点嘴碎
and I’m sensing you’re a bit of a bitch,
所以我只能送你到特克萨卡纳
so I give this relationship to about Texarkana.
真的吗 你会送我到特克萨卡纳
Really? Yeah. You’ll take me as far as Texarkana.
你还真是个精力旺盛的娘娘腔
You’re a peppy little spit-fuck, aren’t you?
安全起见 你最好系上安全带
You might wanna buckle up for safety.
我就知道你会烦我
I can tell already you are gonna get on my nerves.
即使组团不是我的风格
Even though teaming up wasn’t my style,
我也认为和特克萨卡纳人待一起更安全
I figured I’d be safer with Tallahassee.
瞧 他原来的职业真棒
You see, he was in the ass-kicking business,
并且…
and…
“生意”兴隆
Business is good.
但很快
It became quickly apparent, however,
他就暴露出一个弱点
that he did have one weakness.
我们停在这里干吗
What are we doing here?
看 那是一辆蛋糕车
Well, take a look. it’s a god damn hostess truck.
看到了 蛋糕车 那又怎样
Yeah, I see that, a hostess truck. so what?
我想吃奶油夹心蛋糕
I could use a twinkie.
-一起来吗 -好的 等一下
– You coming? – Yes. Yeah. one second.
-你耍我哪 -没
– Are you fucking with me? – No.
你其实也该做准备活动
You should actually limber up as well.
特别是在我们要下小山坡之前
Especially if we are going down that hill.
这一点非常重要
It is very important.
我不信那套
I don’t believe in it.
你见过狮子捕瞪羚之前做准备活动吗
You ever see a lion limber up before it takes down a gazelle?
也是
Hmm.
-是雪球蛋糕吗 -对
– Sno Balls? – Yeah.
雪球蛋糕
Sno Balls?
该死的夹心蛋糕在哪
Where’s the fucking twinkies?
我爱吃雪球蛋糕
I like Sno Balls.