情色自拍（2008）

拍下来 拍下来
Shoot that shit. Shoot it.
我的天 谁知道亚马逊连这都卖♥♥?
My God, who even knew Amazon sold shit like this?
真不可思议
This is incredible.
真是他妈的祖母内♥裤♥ 好了
Those are fucking granny panties. Okay,
第一 我不能容你玷污
A, I don’t appreciate you violating
我亚马逊愿望表的圣洁
the sanctity of my Amazon Wish List page,
第二 我不会从亚马逊上买♥♥的
and B, I’m not buying that thing from Amazon,
因为事实证明
because it turns out
我没有他们能接受的信♥用♥卡♥
I don’t have a credit card they take.
他妈的 对不起 伙计们 我碍事了吗?
Oh, shit. I’m sorry, guys. Am I in the way?
你是个死胖子 我们去星巴克吧
You’re a fucking faggot, all right? Let’s go to Starbucks.
反正他做的咖啡死难喝 我♥操♥
He’s a shitty barista anyways. Cock.
而且他扔起东西来像个娘们
And he throws like a bitch.
你知道我会扔什么吗?
You know what else I throw?
我把蛋蛋泡在你咖啡里
My nut sack in your coffees,
味道怎么样 操人?
so how did that taste, fucker?
我们看到你女朋友的内衣了 舔逼人
We saw your girlfriend in her underwear, cunt nugget.
太糟了 她不是我女朋友
Well, too bad she’s not my girlfriend,
你们两个小… 哦 他们走了
you little fuck-Oh, they’re gone.
你是在跟我说话吗?
Are you still talking to me?
我刚说我要在亚马逊找更多性♥爱♥用品
Uh, just said, I’m gonna look up more fuck toys on Amazon.
真♥他♥妈♥的
Oh, holy shit.
他们也卖♥♥手电筒 那是什么
They sell the Fleshlight here too. What’s that?
是像手电筒的便携人造阴♥道♥
It’s a fucking pocket pussy that is shaped like a flashlight
“随时随地随意爽”
“for discretionary jacking off.”
这样就算你被发现 没人会觉得奇怪
That way if you get caught, no one thinks it’s weird.
你只是个想操手电筒的家伙
You’re just a guy who likes to fuck his flashlight.
我一定要把它买♥♥下来
I am totally buying this shit.
如果你有钱可烧
Whoa, if you’ve got money to burn,
把电费付了怎么样?
how about paying the electric bill?
已经要付了吗?
That’s due already?
11月的可能要付了
November’s is probably due now,
但我说的是9月份的
but I was talking about September’s.
告诉我这件不好看
Tell me this doesn’t rock.
你有点像麦当劳叔叔
You kind of look like Ronald McDonald.
让我都想吃麦辣鸡了
That makes me want some McNuggets.
你干嘛要买♥♥个随身阴♥道♥呢? 真可悲
Why would you wanna buy a pocket pussy anyway?That is so sad
什么? 抱歉 我忘了
What? Excuse me, I forgot about the nobility
天杀的按♥摩♥棒♥的圣洁光辉了
that accompanies coming with a fucking vibrator.
按♥摩♥棒♥每让你高♥潮♥一次
Think a kid in Darfur gets saved every time
就有个达尔富尔孩子被拯救? 不
a vibrator makes you come? No.
“真实触感”? 我的天哪 是的
“Real feel action”? Oh, my God. Yeah.
如果你要操机器 我就搬出去
If you start fucking machines, I’m moving out.
你认为按♥摩♥器是什么? 那也是机器
What do you think a vibrator is? It’s a machine.
你怎么就能操一个带发动机的东西?
How come you get to fuck something with a motor in it?
我就不能?
While I can’t
我没碰到过能像按♥摩♥器一样
Cause I’ve never met a man
给我高♥潮♥的男人
who can make me come like a vibrator does.
这是鬼扯
That’s bullshit.
你像是在25世纪的巴克·罗杰斯
You get to be Buck Rogers having sex in the 25th century
跟屯基与塞普利斯做♥爱♥
with fucking Twiki
而我在浴室用着杰根斯(化妆品品牌)
I’m stuck to a bottle of Jergens in the bathroom.
我的神啊
Holy bejesus.
你没用我的杰根斯在浴室手♥淫♥吧
You do not use my Jergens to jack it in our bathroom.
不 你知道我真正做的是啥
No, you know what I do actually,
我点几根蜡烛
is I light a bunch of candles
在床上四仰八叉 听斯汀
and I sprawl out on my sheets and I listen to Sting.
不 我是个男人
No, I’m a guy.
给我两根冰棒和一根橡皮筯
Give me two Popsicle sticks and a rubber band,
我会找到办法操它的
I’ll find a way to fuck it,
像个肮脏的百战飞龙
like a filthy MacGyver.
我的天哪
Oh, my God,
真高兴我不是个男的 这件怎么样?
I’m so glad I’m not a guy. How about this?
我不明白你为什么对它这么有干劲?
I don’t get why you’re putting so much effort into the thing
我以为我们只要去坐坐
I thought we were just gonna go to sit around
取笑大家就好了
and make fun of everybody.
我穿我自己的衣服
I can’t wear anything that I already own
就别指望把鲍比·兰带回家
and expect to bring home Bobby Long.
鲍比·他妈的·兰 不可能
Bobby fucking Long? No way.
管你叫臭林奇的不就是他吗?
Didn’t that guy call you “Stinky Linky”?
是的 但时代在进步 好吗?
Yeah, that was then, okay?
也许他能让我的亚马逊帐单少项开支
Maybe now he can save me a fortune in Amazon bills.
也许你该去上我们房♥东
Maybe you can fuck our landlord
让我们头顶至少留下个屋顶
so we can at least keep a roof over our heads.
你没钱付房♥租吗? 扎克 这个月该你付
You don’t have the rent? Zack, it’s your month.
嘿 我用上周的薪水买♥♥了冰鞋
Hey, I bought skates with last week’s paycheck
让我能溜冰 哦
and I need those to skate with. Oh.
而这个周的薪水都够呛
And this week’s will barely cover
能付那两份水费 所以
the past two water bills, so…
这样性感吗?
Is this sexy?
是的 如果是上《猎捕脔童癖》节目
Yeah, in like a To Catch a Predator kind of way,
就很他妈的性感
it is pretty fucking sexy.
那就完事了
Then we’re done.
怎么回鸟事? 扎克
What the fuck? Zack.
你想让我进去吗? 水怎么了?
You want me to come in? What happened to the water?
他们给停了 妈的 就
They shut it off. Oh, shit. Just, uh–
帮我把头发弄干净
Help me get this shit out of my hair.
用马桶的水
Just use the water out of the toilet.
里面有米田共 不是那儿
There’s poo in there. Not that part.
马桶后面的
The back part of the toilet thing.
哦 有道理
Oh, that makes sense.
用那个杯子往外舀 就这样
Take the cup there and then scoop it in, there you go.
这样 我向后仰
Here, I’ll lean back and you can just,
你知道 就这么浇
you know, pour it down like-Like that.
你在挑逗我的极限
You’re harshing my buzz, you know.
太郁闷人了 别看 别看
This is so lame. Don’t look. Don’t look.
别看
Don’t look.
好的 最多呆一小时 之后就回家
All right, one hour tops, then we’re gone.
又或者 我有个主意
Or I had an idea.
我们直接别去了 这主意挺好
We could just not go at all, which would rock.
就算我们没钱也没有什么大出息
Even though we’re broke and we’ve never amounted to anything
我们还是比那些人强 是不是?
we’re still better than these people, right?
不 一点也不
No. Not at all.
我们甚至比不上他们中的多数人
We’re probably not even as good as most of them,
除非有人吸毒成瘾或什么的
unless one of them is a crackhead or something.
告诉我我比毕业时更漂亮了
Just tell me I’m prettier than when we graduated.
你看起来还是老样子
You look about the same.
绝对没有变漂亮 但基本还那样
Definitely not prettier, but around the same.
但我变瘦了 是不是 瘦一点?
I’m thinner, though, right? A little?
没看出来
Not really.
呃 超棒的热身谈话 我♥操♥
Well, good pep talk. Fuck.
好啊 好啊
Ta-da. Ta-da.
你没认出我们 是不是?
You don’t recognize us, do you?
呃 没有 抱歉
Um, no, sorry.
扎克·布朗 米莉·林奇
Zack Brown, Miri Linky.
被叫作臭林奇的是你吗?
Were you the one they called Stinky Linky?
哦 不 没人这么叫过我
Oh, no, no one ever called me that.
哦
Oh.
真好 你的是什么?
Great. What does yours say?
他妈怎么回事? 得了
What the fuck? Come on.
我相信我有个绰号♥ 没有吗?
I’m sure I had a nickname. Nothing?
好的 好好玩
All right, you have a great time,
在走之前 别忘了拿份纪念册
and before you go, don’t forget copy of The Roving Roe-Ver.
这是什么鸟玩意?
What the fuck’s this shit?
这不是鸟玩意
That is not shit,
而将是我们的双月刊通讯录
that would be our bi-monthly newsletter.
真棒 它能告诉你
Awesome. It updates you
大家都在做什么 终于啊
on what everyone’s doing. Finally.
我喜欢你的热情 给你
I love your enthusiasm. Here you go.
写上你的邮箱地址
Write your e-mail address on that