王胜：香甜多汁（脱口秀）（2022）

那一刻 是非常有挑战性的情况
And in that moment is this very challenging situation,
因为你要跟一个 刚刚完全失去意识的人解释
because you have to explain to somebody who was just completely unconscious
他们在过去三个小时里一直很混♥蛋♥
that, actually, they’ve been an asshole for three hours.
他们不懂 他们以为自己很无辜
They don’t get it. They think they are innocent.
他们全心全意相信自己是无辜的
They believe with their whole heart that they are innocent.
其实 他们还会让你怀疑自己 他们看着你 好像你是怪兽一样
In fact, they try to gaslight you. They look at you like you’re the monster.
我爸说：“你有什么毛病？”
My dad was like, “What’s your problem?”
我说：“你居然不知道 这太奇怪了”
I was like, “It’s weird that you don’t know.”
但没关系 因为我给你录下来了 我录了三个小时…
“But it’s okay, because I recorded you. I got a three-hour–”
我给你拍了一个三小时的 迷你真人纪录片
“I got a three-hour mini docuseries of you
放声死去
dying out loud.”
在最后一秒 你再一次选择了生命
“And in the very last second, you choose life again.”
你活过来了
“You came back to us.”
你一遍又一遍这样
“You did that over and over.”
你让自己窒息 然后一次又一次拯救自己
“You choked yourself, then you saved yourself again and again.”
纯粹是恐怖
It’s pure terror.
我是无辜的旁观者
I’m an innocent bystander.
第一个小时 我很害怕 我很担心
The first hour, I’m scared. I’m concerned.
时不时地 呼噜会停止 你松了一口气
Every now and then, the snoring stops. There’s relief.
但你又会担心 “他不会死了吧？”
And then there’s also, “But is he dead, though?”
第二个小时 我就想 你要活着还是死 快选一个吧 让我们把这件事结束
The second hour I’m like, life or death. Please pick one, let us move forward.
第三个小时 我一直在搜索
The third hour, I spent researching.
鼻中隔偏曲
“Deviated septums.”
呼吸正压机
“CPAP machines.”
我一直在沉思 一直在想 你们知道吗？
And I just contemplated. I just thought about it, you know?
打鼾是如何在进化中
“How did snoring
存活下来的呢？
survive evolution?”
没有道理啊
That don’t make sense.
生物学上讲 你早都应该不在这里了
Biologically, I’m not sure you’re supposed to be here anymore.
我不觉得你应该属于基因库
I don’t think you belong in the gene pool.
那不是适合生存的特质
That’s not a trait fit for survival.
你昏迷不醒！
You unconscious!
还很大声
And you loud.
你简直是完美的猎物
You the perfect prey.
你应该很早之前就在睡眠中 被满口剑牙的老虎吃了
You should have been eaten in your sleep a long time ago by a saber-toothed tiger.
你在这里泄露了所有人的位置
You out here giving away everybody’s location.
你有没有试过模仿别人的鼾声？
Have you ever tried to copy somebody’s snoring?
有计划 对吧？
With an agenda, right?
因为第二天早上 就算声音开到最大
Because the next morning, even at full volume,
你的录音没有记录下 你以为的那个巨大声音
your recording didn’t quite capture what you thought had happened.
你说：“不用管录音了 我要现场模仿”
You say, “Never mind the recording. I’m gonna do it live.”
“我要展示给你看 你对我做了什么”
“I’m gonna show you what you did to me.”
你试着用尽力气对着他们打鼾
You try to snore at them as hard as you can.
但是两秒钟之后 开始非常痛
But after two seconds, it starts to hurt real bad.
你没办法维持下去了
You can’t sustain it.
这个时候你意识到 这是一种邪恶的超级力量
That’s when you realize, it’s kind of an evil superpower.
有人可以整晚打鼾 简直是黑暗的奇迹
It’s kind of a dark miracle that somebody can snore all night,
醒来还感觉休息好了
wake up rested.
然后他们毫发无伤地走了
And they just walk away unscathed.
感觉应该到处都有血
It feels like there should be blood everywhere.
除了打鼾的闹剧
Despite the snoring drama, you know,
通常我跟父母感情很好
generally I am connecting with my parents more.
意外的是 我们的一个共同点
And one thing we bond over, surprisingly,
是水果
is fruit.
成年亚洲人喜欢水果 兄弟
Grown Asian people love fruit, dude.
你们最好知道这一点
You better know this.
如果你们试着跟一个年长的亚洲人 约会 你们最好知道现在是什么季节
If you try and date an older Asian person, you better know what’s in season now.
你们最好知道现在什么又甜又多汁
You better know what’s sweet and juicy right now.
每一个亚裔美国人 小时候都有一段关于他们父母的记忆
Every Asian American has a childhood memory of their parents
派他们去邻居的院子里偷水果
sending them on a mission to go steal fruit from the neighbor’s yard.
我很珍惜那段回忆 我知道这不合法 但很有趣
I cherish that memory. I knew it was shady, but it was fun.
你们知道吗？而同时 我能理解
You know? And also, I understand.
我父母是来自台♥湾♥的移♥民♥
You know, my parents are immigrants from Taiwan.
他们小时候很穷 他们小时候什么物质条件都没有
They grew up poor. As kids, they had very little.
我妈妈小时候对自己的生日没有兴趣
As a kid, my mom had no interest in her own birthday,
因为生日他们只会给她一个鸡蛋
because the only thing they gave her was one chicken egg.
我的童年就很不一样了
My childhood was very different.
我的生日会有蛋糕、礼物 我最好的朋友会来我家过夜
My birthdays would include cake, gifts. My best friend would sleep over.
晚上 我们会出去 往别人家的房♥子扔鸡蛋
At night, we’d go out and throw eggs at people’s houses.
想想才过了一代 就有这么大的差距 真的很疯狂
It’s pretty crazy to think about how far we’ve come in one generation.
从一个鸡蛋的生日派对 到我能过上的优质生活
That’s a pretty big leap forward from a one-egg birthday party,
是非常大的跨越
to the life of privilege that I’ve gotten to live.
很难以置信 你们知道吗？
It’s incredible, you know?
我真的非常感激我父母移♥民♥了
I’m absolutely grateful that my parents immigrated,
虽然我很感激
but as grateful as I am,
我不知道我是否会为我的孩子这样做
I don’t know if I would ever do that for my kids.
会有很多不方便的地方
That’s a lot of inconvenience.
那是很多痛苦和牺牲 对吧？
That’s a lot of suffering and sacrifice, right?
你们能想象
Can you imagine…
背井离乡吗？
leaving home?
你们仔细思考背井离乡
You really think about what that means to leave
意味着什么
your home.
离开你的家人、朋友、群体
You leave your family, your friends, your community.
离开你所熟悉的一切
You leave everything that you are familiar with.
搬到一个完全陌生的外国 你不会说当地的语言
You move to a completely foreign country where you don’t speak the language,
只为了让你的后代有更多机会
just so your offspring have more opportunities.
后来你的孩子长大 进入了单口喜剧行业
And then your kid goes into stand-up comedy.
这太打击人了
That’s devastating.
他们不知道这有风险
They had no idea this was a risk.
当他们决定 该留下还是该走的时候
When they were deciding, “Should we stay? Should we go?”
他们并不知道 可能会发现一个全新的奋斗方式
They had no clue he might find a brand-new way to struggle.
你提供了一个人成功需要的一切
You provide everything one needs to succeed.
他可能会故意选择艰难地生活
He might choose to have a hard life on purpose.
他们供我上大学 我拿到了商学位
They put me through college. I got a business degree.
我一直玩弄他们的希望和梦想 一直到毕业
I played with their hopes and dreams all the way up until graduation.
然后我说：“疯了”
And then I was like, “Psych!”
“我有笑话 妈妈”
“I got jokes, Mom.”
我妈妈都不知道单口喜剧是什么
My mom don’t even know what stand-up comedy is.
她告诉她的朋友 我就像个说话的小丑
She tells her friends I’m like a clown with words.
但他们很为我骄傲 我的家人们很为我骄傲
But they’re proud of me. My folks are proud of me.
应该是吧 不过他们没有说过
I assume. They haven’t said it yet.
我的家人为我感到骄傲 是因为我比较高
My folks are proud of me because I’m kind of tall.
移♥民♥的父母喜欢高个孩子
Immigrant parents love tall children.
这是他们最喜欢的
It’s their favorite.
他们认为这是进步
They see that as progress.
认为这是对他们人生选择的肯定
They see that as affirmation of their life choices.
他们认为这是孩子得到了 他们从未得到过的营养
They see that as an indication the kid got nutrients they never got.
现在孩子可以从更高一点的地方 偷水果了
Now the kid can steal fruit from a little bit higher.
我很感激
I’m grateful.
我想让他们感到骄傲 你们知道吗？真的
I want to make them proud, you know? I do.
这一行很辛苦 我试着努力向前
It’s tough in this business. I try to push ahead.
我试着做我认为成年人应该做的事情
I try to do things I assume grown-ups are supposed to be doing, you know?
比如最近 我开始搜索一个别人称为
Like recently, I started researching this thing people call
“房♥地♥产♥”的东西
“real estates.”
对吧？因为我存了一点钱
Right? Because I saved a little bit of money,
我被引导着相信 或许是时候
and was led to believe perhaps it’s time
让我考虑在洛杉矶买♥♥♥房♥♥了
for me to think about buying a house in Los Angeles.
也许这是我的能力范围
Maybe that’s within my reach.
于是我研究了一下 结果 实际上
So I looked into it, turns out that, actually,
我要借一百万美元
I got to borrow a million dollars.
整个行业来讲 我是新手 还比较天真
I’m new and naive to the whole business,
但如果我必须 借一百万美元去买♥♥♥房♥♥子 就感觉…
but if I have to borrow a million dollars to buy a house, it feels like…
我无法买♥♥♥房♥♥子
I can’t buy a house.
我的中介说 “没事 我们帮你弄个贷款”
My agent was like, “No big deal. We’re going to get you a mortgage.”
于是我说 好 我填个申请
So I was like, okay, I’ll put in an application
申请一个大额房♥屋贷款
for what’s called a jumbo loan.
这是个专业名词
That’s the technical term.
在申请表上写着“大额”
On the application it’s written J-U-M-B-O, “Jumbo.”
我们都知道当商人开始
We all know it’s too much money
用卡♥通♥词汇“大鹅”的时候 就是非常多的钱了
when you got business people using cartoon words.