王胜：香甜多汁（脱口秀）（2022）

很奇怪 对吧？
It’s weird, right?
很奇怪 他们在工作中 试着在很多方面控制你
It’s weird. They try to control you in so many ways at work.
但他们让你无拘无束打印
But they let you print free rein.
这不可疑吗？
Ain’t that suspicious?
因为他们知道
Because they know
他们必须给我们留点自♥由♥ 当我们感觉
they got to leave us something to turn to
生活无法自己掌控的时候 让我们发泄
when we feel like we have no control.
他们不能夺走打印
They can’t take away printing.
印刷是唯一阻止革命发生的东西
Printing is the only thing stopping the revolution.
当他们说“感恩节之后的周五 来上班”这种话的时候
When they say stuff like, “Come in Friday after Thanksgiving,”
这个时候我会想：“行 好”
that’s when I’m like, “Oh, okay.”
“好 我想这就是我 自行出版邮箱账户的时间了”
“Okay, I guess it’s time for me to self-publish my Gmail account.”
“我想这就是 打印备份所有东西的时候了”
“I guess it’s time for me to back it all up on paper.”
“别人都用云 我用树”
“People use the cloud, I’m gonna use trees.”
我跟你们完全公开 各位
Full disclosure, everybody.
我有一条可以双面使用的皮带
I got a reversible belt.
这本应该是个秘密 我只有一条皮带
It’s supposed to be a secret. I got one belt.
我的同事以为我有两条
My coworker thought I had two.
如果你们不知道什么是双面使用皮带
If you don’t know what a reversible belt is,
这是一条皮带 一面是黑色的 另一面是棕色的
it’s one belt, but it’s black on one side, it’s brown on the other side,
上面的皮带扣可以旋转
has a buckle that swivels.
所以你可以选择穿你的棕色礼服鞋
So you can wear your choice of your brown dress shoes
还是黑色礼服鞋
or your black dress shoes.
根据需要调整皮带扣 你搭配了颜色 别人会注意到
Adjust the buckle accordingly. You match, people notice.
人生就是这样领先的
And that’s how you get ahead in life.
双面皮带是用在 你人生中某一个特定时期的
The reversible belt’s for a very specific period in your life
当你足够精致 拥有两双礼服鞋的时候
when you’re fancy enough to own two pairs of dress shoes,
但还没有准备好买♥♥两条皮带
but you’re not quite ready for two belts.
这是一个过渡期 总有一天会过去的
It’s a transitional period. You will get there one day.
总有一天 你会赚到两条皮带的钱
One day, you’re gonna make that two-belt money.
但是现在 你要翻转皮带扣
But for now, you’re gonna swivel.
我…
Tsc. I’m…
我是一个教父
I’m a godfather.
我的朋友让我当了她女儿的教父
My friend made me the godfather of her daughters.
让我女朋友当教母 现在我们要为孩子们在一起
Made my girlfriend the godmother. Now we got to stay together for the kids.
当你的朋友们开始有孩子 有小孩
When your friends start having children, when your friends start having kids,
你最好准备好
you’d better be ready.
你最好准备好再次大声朗读
You’d better be ready to read out loud again.
不要以为你能轻易做到
Do not assume that you can just do it.
我相信你们都会读 这不是问题
I’m sure you can read. That’s not the issue.
问题是
The issue is,
你们会演吗？
can you act?
你们能为不同的角色 即兴发挥配音吗？
Can you improvise voices for different characters?
你们会唱歌♥吗？会跳舞吗？ 自己一个人完成整个制♥作♥过程
Can you sing? Can you dance? Can you maintain confidence in yourself
但是没有观众给你任何反馈
as you put on a whole production for an audience
你们还能保持自信吗？
that gives you no feedback?
我去了我朋友家 我以为我们要吃晚餐
I went to my friend’s house. I thought we were gonna have dinner.
你到达后 他们突然把孩子放下来了
At one point, they put the baby down.
他们说：“你想给宝宝读书吗？”
They said, “You want to read to the baby?”
我说…
I said, uh…
“你们也会听吗？”
“Are y’all gonna be listening too?”
这个练习是给谁的？
Who is this exercise for?
他们给了我一本叫《麻纱鸭》的书
They gave me a book called Dimity Duck.
我从来没有读过这本书 我直接自信地开始读了
I’ve never read this book. I jumped in confidently.
我说：“《麻纱鸭》”
I was like, “Dimity Duck.”
“麻纱鸭摇摆着走路 它摇摇晃晃 唱着歌♥”
“Dimity Duck waddles, she toddles and she sings.”
“它的尾巴左右摇摆 它的翅膀呼呼煽动”
“Wiggle waggle goes her tail, and whoosh goes her wings.”
在我读这一整本书的时候 我在非常努力不要听起来像摇滚歌♥手
And the whole time I’m reading this book, I’m trying so hard to not sound like E-40.
但我真的很想那样发音
But I really wanted to.
因为我当时想 这韵律绝了！
Because I was like, “These rhymes are fire!”
我想对这个歌♥词致敬
“I want to honor the lyrics.”
“它摇摇晃晃 唱着歌♥”
“She toddles and she sings.”
“它的尾巴左右摇摆 它的翅膀呼呼煽动”
“Wiggle waggle goes her tail, and whoosh goes her wings.”
呃…
Uh…
我觉得非常珍贵 你们知道吗？
I think it’s very precious, you know?
你跟这些孩子们相处的时间非常珍贵
The time you spend with these kids is precious,
因为他们会向你揭露真♥相♥
because they will reveal to you truths
那些关于你的 你生命中没有其他人敢告诉你的真♥相♥
about yourself that nobody in your life dare tell you.
有一天 我的教女告诉我 她说
One day, my goddaughter said to me, she said,
“王叔叔
“Uncle Sheng,
你的牙很黄 你的手肘是灰色的“
your teeth are yellow and your elbows are gray.”
我当时说：“早上好”
I was like, “Good morning.”
我说：“我们这个学的颜色够多了”
I was like, “We learned enough colors this month.”
“我觉得你很好了 你很擅长颜色”
“I think you good. You good on colors.”
“我觉得现在是时候该接着学习 如何敏感地传递信息”
“I think it’s time for us to move on to how to deliver news with sensitivity.”
有一次我侄子对我说
One time my nephew said to me,
“王叔叔 你的口气闻起来像小鸟”
“Uncle Sheng, your breath smells like birds.”
这句话简直 锁在了我的大脑里 不肯离去
That’s locked into my brain. It will not leave.
那个孩子现在可以投票了 已经15年了
The kid can vote now. It’s been 15 years.
童言无忌更加伤人
It hurt more that it made no sense.
诗意的抽象
It’s poetically abstract.
我感觉我的口气太难闻了 我强迫这个孩子去学习比喻了
I felt like my breath was so bad, I pushed this child to discover metaphors.
孩子们刻薄的时候 大人很难 让人很难接受
It’s hard when kids are mean. It’s very hard to accept.
你知道吗？因为他们太小了
You know? Because they’re so young.
他们太天真无邪了
They’re so innocent.
他们还没有被灌输宗教、种族和政♥治♥
They’re not indoctrinated by religion, racism or politics.
这是一种非常纯粹的讨厌
Like, it’s a very pure hate.
非常干净 你值得拥有
It’s clean. You deserve it.
因为直接从上帝那里来到了你这里
Because they came from God to you.
又一次 我在一个婚礼派对上
One time, I was at a wedding party.
玩得很开心
Having a good time.
我的朋友给我介绍了她的侄女 一个小女孩
My friend introduced me to her niece, this little girl.
一个有抱负的喜剧演员
An aspiring comedian.
他们说：“你能给她表演吗？” 我说：“不行 兄弟 我们在参加婚礼”
They said, “Hey, can you perform for her?” I said, “No, man. We at a wedding party.”
“背景和听众都不太合适”
“This is not the appropriate context or audience.”
“我不能表演”
“I’m not gonna do it.”
这个小女孩说 “你不好笑 你是个骗子”
This little girl said, “You not funny, and you a fraud.”
我听进去了
It got to me.
伤我很深 影响了我那天晚上 我无法忘掉
It cut deep. It affected my night. I could not shake it.
有没有对你们非常刻薄的孩子
Have you ever had a kid be so mean to you,
然后你们开始发狂？
you start to go crazy?
你开始想各种办法合法报复
You start to think of ways to legally retaliate.
我想着 君子报仇十年不晚 我想：“小姑娘 总有一天我会报复”
I was thinking long game. I was like, “Girl, I’m gonna get you eventually.”
“对 或许我会开始停止回收垃圾”
“Yeah. Maybe I’m gonna stop recycling.”
“也许我会更喜欢气候变化”
“Maybe I’m gonna lean into climate change.”
“我希望你喜欢天气热！”
“I hope you like it hot!”
我不擅长负能量
I’m not good with negative energy.
我不想去负能量的地方 兄弟
That’s not where I want to be, man.
我上一次脾气失控的时候 那是真的非常失控
The last time I lost my temper, the last time I really, really lost it,
怒不可遏
in a fit of rage,
我在酒店房♥间里用力扔了几个耳塞
I threw some earplugs across a hotel room.
如果你们了解
If you know anything
愤怒
about anger
或者物理
or physics,
你们就会知道
you know
扔泡沫
there’s no satisfaction
是无法得到满足的
in throwing foam.
你没有释放任何压力
You release no tension.
你只是确认自己生气了 而你现在太蠢了
You just confirm that you are angry and you are so stupid right now.
那是家庭度假
It was a family vacation.
我跟我爸住同一个房♥间 我知道他打呼
I was sharing a hotel room with my dad. I knew he snored.
我带了耳塞 我准备充分
I brought my earplugs. I was prepared.
但有一天晚上我醒来 一个耳塞失踪了
But one night I woke up, one earplug with missing.
我环顾四周都没有找到
I looked all around. I couldn’t find it.
我就想 一只耳塞没有用的
I was like, one alone is useless.
出于沮丧 我把它扔进了黑暗中
And out of frustration, I chucked it into the darkness.
我爬回床上 在床单上发现了另一个耳塞
I crawled back into bed, I found the other earplug in the sheets.
我心里想：“你现在出来没用了 我另一个不知道丢在哪里了”
I was like, that’s not helpful now. I threw that somewhere.
我躺下了 我没睡
I laid down. I did not sleep.
很久很久之后 我终于把我爸叫醒了
And after a long, long while, finally I woke up my dad.