王胜：香甜多汁（脱口秀）（2022）

只在老鼠身上有效？
that only works on rats?
能不能别再出版这种文章了？
Can we stop printing this article?
我们能不能达成共识 这不属于人类的报纸？
Can we agree that does not belong in the human newspaper?
不是 兄弟
No, man.
那是老鼠新闻
That’s rat news.
那是经典的老鼠新闻
That’s classic rat news.
那对老鼠群体来说太好了 告诉它们
That’s wonderful for the rat community. Let them know.
告诉它们吧 但别告诉我们
Let them know, but keep us out of that conversation.
我发现那种研究中 多达99.6％
I found out up to 99.6% of all that research,
是无法转移到人类身上的
it don’t even transfer to humans.
所以我们投入无数的美元 无数的时间 发展出这么多医疗技能
So we invest countless dollars, hours developing all this medical know-how
都给敌人了
for the enemy.
我们现在拥有很多老鼠知识
We’re sitting on a lot of rat knowledge right now.
我们连普通感冒都治不好
We can’t even cure the common cold,
但如果你是一只 患有湿疹和痛风的糖尿病老鼠
but if you’re a diabetic mouse with eczema and gout,
你什么都不用担心
you ain’t got nothing to worry about.
你这一生会过得很好 我们可以照顾好你 你是一只老鼠
You’re gonna live a good life. We got you. You a rat.
现在做老鼠是好时候啊 兄弟
It’s a good time to be a rat, man.
做人类太难了
It’s hard to be human.
在这个国家做人类太难了
It’s hard to be human, specially in this country.
我们的医疗体系就是反面乌托邦
Our healthcare system is dystopian.
你们懂我的意思吧？ 如果你在美国受伤
You know what I mean? If you get hurt in America,
最好保证伤得非常严重
you better make sure you get hurt real bad.
严重到可以超过保险免赔额
Bad enough to meet your deductible.
最好是在一月…
Ideally in January…
这样一整年都有保障了
so you’re covered for the year.
这就是游戏规则 这样就能赢了
That’s the game. That’s how you win.
不要12月受伤 那样就是失败者了
Don’t get hurt in December. That’s for losers.
我人生中只有过一年 那是神奇的一年
There’s only been one year, one magical year in my life,
那一年 我超过了免赔额
where I’ve met my deductible.
我超级兴奋 心里想 “太好了 我现在可以轻松拿钱了”
I was pumped, like, “Hell yeah, I’m playing with house money now.”
我该付出行动了 你们知道吗？
It’s time to make moves, you know?
我见了好多医生 我见了个治疗屁♥股♥问题的专家
I saw a bunch of doctors. I saw a specialist for some butt problems.
等预约时间快到的时候 我的问题都快自己好了
By the time the appointment came around, the issue had basically resolved itself.
我做了一些研究 我非常确信自己没事
I did some research. I was pretty sure I was okay.
我还是去见了医生 医生肯定了我的研究
I still went to the appointment. The doctor confirmed my research.
他说：“对 你没事了 但如果你想
He said, “Yeah, you’re good, but if you want
我们可以再仔细看看”
I could take a closer look.”
本来是没必要的
This was not necessary.
我来的时候就已经知道没事了
I already got the peace of mind that I came for.
然后我想到了免赔额的问题
But then I thought about my deductible.
我想到了以前那么多次 我的保险公♥司♥
I thought about all the times my insurance company
让我自己付钱
left me hanging with the bill.
我就说：“你知道吗？”
And I was like, “You know what?”
“去拿润滑油吧”
“Go get the jelly.”
我们来仔细检查吧
Let’s do it.
来吧 既然门票我都付了 里面的项目我要玩个遍
Let’s go. If I pay for the entrance fee, then I’m gonna ride all the rides.
就算是劣质的那些 也要玩 我要在这里待到关门
Even the crappy ones. I’m staying till we close.
我们就检查了
We did it.
进行了仔细检查
We did the thing.
我们什么都没发现
We learned nothing.
确实没必要
It was not necessary.
她向保险公♥司♥收了一大笔钱
She went ahead and charged the insurance company a big fee.
我知道她得到了满足
I know she got hers.
我没有得到我想寻求的满足
I did not get the satisfaction I was looking for,
因为通往经济公平的路 或许不应该顺着你的屁♥股♥往里走
because the road to economic justice probably shouldn’t go up your butt.
当你侧躺着
It will not feel like winning
被医生用手指扒开屁♥股♥ 然后说：“对 是的 蓝十字保险公♥司♥”
when you land on your side getting fingered by the doctor like,
这感觉不像是我赢了
“Yeah, that’s right, Blue Cross.”
这叫做回本
That’s called payback.
回本
Tsc.
我一直在努力打败这个系统
I’m always trying to beat the system.
就算这个系统没有道理
Even if it don’t make sense.
所以我才拥有一个榨汁机
This is why I own a juicer
但我根本不用
that I don’t use.
因为在你成年生活的某个时候
Because at some point in your adult life…
你会意识到自己需要营养
you gonna realize that you need nutrition.
但你并不想下定决心吃有营养的食物
But you might not be committed to eating nutritious food.
你想找到一个作弊代码 黑进去 你发现了绿果汁
You want to find a cheat code, a hack. You discover green juice.
你会想：“只要我喝这个果汁 就可以解决我多数的问题”
You’re like, if I drink juice I can solve most of my problems.
然后你在商店买♥♥果汁 你会想
Then you buy juice at the store, you’re like,
果汁太贵了 不是我这个收入能买♥♥得起的
oh, juice is beyond my income level.
我赚的钱买♥♥不起
Oh, I don’t make juice money.
购买♥♥果汁压力太大了 对吧？
That’s a very stressful purchase, right?
于是你进行了计算
So you do the math.
如果我有自己的榨汁机 接下来12年一直使用
If I get my own juicer, over the next 12 years,
就能给我自己省几百万
I can save me about a million dollars.
这毫无疑问
That’s a no-brainer,
你把你宏伟的计划告诉了朋友
You tell your friends about your brilliant plan,
你的朋友们说 把他们不再使用的榨汁机给你
your friends offer you their juicers they no longer use.
你没有看出来这个预示 没有要朋友的榨汁机
You don’t see the foreshadowing. You reject the juicer.
你说：“不用了 谢谢 你那个机器不好用”
You say, “No, thank you. That’s not the right one.”
怪不得你们都不再榨果汁了 我研究过了
No wonder you stopped juicing. I did the research.
我要去买♥♥最高端的错误
I’m getting the top-of-the-line mistake.
于是你花了400美元 买♥♥了一个冷压榨果汁机
So you drop like 400 bucks on a cold press masticating juicer.
你去了农贸市场 买♥♥了最新鲜的食材
You go to the farmer’s market, get the freshest ingredients.
你知道它们很新鲜 因为它们很脏
You know they’re fresh, ’cause they’re dirty.
你喜欢那种品质 知道吗？
You like that quality, you know?
农贸市场没有光鲜亮丽的水果
There’s no glossy fruit at the farmer’s market.
都是哑光表面
It’s a matte finish.
你拿上满是尘土的食材 回到家 用刷子刷 用水冲
You get your dusty harvest, you go home, you scrub, you rinse,
切成小块 榨汁 洗净设备
cut it up into little pieces, juice it, clean the equipment,
把榨汁机收起来 一个小时后 你说：“我再也不榨了”
put that away, and an hour later you’re like, “That’ll never happen again.”
不行 兄弟 不可能了
No way, man. No way.
再扮演一次果汁店员工很有意思
It was fun. It was fun to play Jamba Juice one time,
但我现在退休了
but I’m retired now.
我不干了
I’m done.
你知道榨汁机不会用了 因为我放在了冰箱上面
You know it’s over for the juicer, because I put it on top of the fridge
上面有各种奇怪的油腻腻的灰尘
with all that weird greasy dust.
你们知道那种灰尘吗？ 永远都不会清理的
You know that dust? That’s that forever dust.
哪里都不会去 终有一天会变成油的
That’s not going nowhere. That’s gonna be oil one day.
感觉很不好
It feels bad. It feels bad.
我冰箱上面放的那是400美元啊 感觉很不好
That’s 400 bucks sitting on my fridge. It feels bad.
但我认为这是一种一次性治疗
But I look at it as therapy in one shot.
现在我治愈了
Now I’m cured.
现在我在商店买♥♥果汁了 没问题 没压力
Now I buy juice at the store. No problem, no stress.
我想着：“一杯10美元？ 可以 价格不错”
I’m like, “$10 a bottle? Yeah, that’s a good price.”
我已经上过前线了 我知道榨果汁有多辛苦
I’ve been on the front lines. I know what it takes.
谢谢你的服务
Thank you for your service.
我在小的决定上 花费了太多时间和精力
I spend too much time and energy on small decisions.
你们知道吗？ 那天我在派派思炸鸡吃午餐
You know? Like, I was at Popeyes fried chicken, just having lunch.
这对我来说是一种美食享受 所以我要获得最大的体验
It’s a treat for me, so I’m trying to maximize.
我在评估他们提供的每个套餐组合
I’m evaluating every combo that they offer.
我在试着找出能带来满足感 性价比最高的套餐
I’m trying to find the highest ratio of satisfaction to cost.
在我分♥析♥的时候
During my analysis,
有一个人走了进来 没有任何犹豫
this dude walks in, no hesitation.
他点了一份鸡胸 两块饼干和一杯汽水
He orders one breast, two biscuits and a soda.
这根本不是套餐
This is not a combo at all.
他点的这一单没有省任何钱
He saved no money on that order.
我很震惊
I was in shock.
我在想：“天啊 你在派派思炸鸡进行单点？”
I was like, “Dang, you up in Popeyes ordering à la carte right now?”
兄弟 有一天我也想那样有钱
Man, I want to be that rich one day.
那是我的梦想 有一天我想 走进派派思炸鸡开始自♥由♥发挥
That’s my dream. One day I want to walk into Popeyes and just start freestyling.
站在最顶端 都不用看菜单
Just off the top. Don’t even look at the menu.
给我一个节拍 我要从心里点单
Just drop me a beat, I’m gonna order from the heart.
巡演的时候很难不去吃快餐
It’s hard not to eat fast food when you’re touring.
有一天晚上演出结束后 我回到了酒店
You know, like one night after the show, I went back to my hotel.
唯一还开业的是一家温蒂快餐
The only thing open was a Wendy’s.
就在我酒店对面 但只有汽车点单窗口
It was across from the hotel, but it was drive-thru only
我没有车
and I did not have a car.