王胜：香甜多汁（脱口秀）（2022）

我觉得我们应该 给自己最大的机会快乐 兄弟
I think we should give ourselves the best chance to be happy, man.
我觉得社会整体上 如果我们愿意接受
And I feel like society as a whole, we would all be better off
跳绳是慢跑的一个平替的话 我们会变得更好
if we were down to accept skipping as an equal alternative to jogging.
世界会更好 对吧？
It’d be a better world, right?
可惜我们拒绝自己 以这样一种方便快捷的方式快乐
It’s a shame we deny ourselves such a quick and easy way to be joyful.
你跑了多少公里 才能得到跑步者的快♥感♥？
How many miles you got to run to get a runner’s high?
没人知道 太多了
Nobody knows. It’s too damn many.
你现在开始跳 马上就能感觉很好
You start skipping right now, you feel good right now.
想象一下和你三个最好的朋友一起跳
Imagine skipping with three of your best homies.
你们肩并肩 保持队形
You shoulder to shoulder, you in formation.
你们是格莱合唱团
You a gang of Glee.
看起来不错 你们动作很快
You looking good. You moving fast.
效率很高 兄弟
It’s efficient, man. It’s efficient.
演出前我在酒吧喝了一杯 走了大概十分钟
I had a drink at the bar before the show. It’s about a ten-minute walk.
跳了八分钟
Eight-minute skip.
我来早了
I got here early.
我开始自我保健的游戏有点晚了
I’m a little bit late to the self-care game.
我刚开始用
I just started using
足够多的润肤露
enough body lotion.
你们知道我的意思吗？ 真是滋润全身
You know what I mean? Really moisturize the whole body.
好多润肤露
It’s a lot of lotion.
我总是欺骗自己 我不觉得我应该用这么多
I always cheated myself. I didn’t think I deserved that much.
我给了自己合适的量
I gave myself a modest amount.
从上到下开始擦 我的腿为此付出了代价
Start lotioning from the top down, so my legs paid the price.
然后我加入了好市多
Then I joined Costco.
改变了我的生活 好市多润肤露非常超值
Changed my life. Costco lotion is a great value.
装在一个大的旧瓶子里
Comes in a big old container.
通常上面有个方便泵 对吧？
Usually has a convenient pump on top, right?
唯一的问题是用掉三分之二的时候 技术崩溃了
The only issue is about two-thirds into the bottle, the technology collapses.
哦 不！还有很多 但你用泵按不出来
Oh no! A lot of lotion left, but you can’t access it via the pump.
泵死掉了
The pump is dead.
在那时 你必须旋开上面 像量油尺一样用那个泵
At that point, you got to unscrew the top and use the pump like a dipstick.
我不喜欢这样
I don’t like that.
从抽水变成浸水 那是羞耻的变化
Going from pumping to dipping, that’s a humbling transition.
因为当我泵的时候 我就觉得畅快、富有 就好像…
Because when I’m pumping, I feel carefree, I feel rich. I’m like…
砰砰砰！
Boom, boom, boom, boom!
不用找零了
Keep the change.
当我浸入沾的时候 就好像…
When I’m dipping, it’s like, “Oh.”
我是一个有智慧的动物
I’m an intelligent animal.
我可以用工具
I can use tools.
你知道 你必须同时旋转和拉扯
You know, you got to twist and pull at the same time.
就像用筷子涂黄油吐司一样
It’s like buttering toast with a chopstick.
我买♥♥了润肤露
I got body lotion.
买♥♥了脸部化妆水 我更近了一步 我买♥♥了眼霜
Got face lotion. I stepped up my game. I got eye cream.
那完全不是一个水平了 你们知道吗？
That’s next level, you know?
眼霜很严肃的 因为眼霜更贵
Eye cream is serious, because eye cream costs more.
比你这辈子买♥♥过的任何润肤露都贵
More than any other lotion you ever bought in your whole life.
但它却装在最小的容器里
But it comes in the tiniest container.
你必须用行动证明这笔宝贵的交易
You have to justify this precious purchase.
你只用无名指涂眼霜
You only apply the eye cream with your ring finger.
最柔软的手指 对吧？
The softest finger, right?
因为这是最懒的手指
Because it’s the laziest finger.
你的无名指 它不去挑选 不去指路、不去辱骂
Your ring finger, it don’t pick, it don’t point, it don’t cuss.
它就…
It’s…
只是…
It’s only…
你的无名指只用来做出承诺 还有抹眼霜…
Your ring finger is only good for making one promise, and eye cream…
就是轻轻地拍 嘴巴轻微张开 就这样…
which you apply in a gentle dabbing motion with your mouth slightly open, like…
这个最好有用
This better work.
太贵了
So expensive.
我一直在观察一个皱纹
I’ve been monitoring one wrinkle.
过去几年 我有一个快速生长的皱纹
I got one wrinkle coming in hot over the last couple years.
就在这里 伙计 就在这 我停不下来它 我很绝望
Right here, dude. Right here. I can’t stop it. I’m desperate.
我试着贿赂这个皱纹说： “那是眼霜 但我要帮你”
I try to bribe the wrinkle, like, “That’s eye cream, but I’ll hook you up.”
这对你来说很特别 别告诉任何人
That’s special for you. Don’t tell nobody.
然后当然 还有一些细微的眼霜剩下
Then, of course, there’s trace amounts of eye cream left.
你不想浪费这些微量的眼霜
You don’t want to waste the trace amounts.
所以像个仁慈的国王 我会说： “好吧 各位 吃光吧 你们这些农民”
So like a benevolent king, I’m like, “Okay, everybody, eat up, you peasants.”
我正面朝上睡觉
I sleep on my back.
正面朝上睡 他们说 不要把你的脸贴在枕头上
Sleep on my back. They say, “Don’t put your face against the pillows.”
这会让你的皱纹变得更严重
“It makes your wrinkles worse.”
于是我正面朝上睡觉 但那不是我喜欢的姿势
I sleep on my back, but that’s not my preferred position.
正面朝上很无聊 没有蜷缩
On your back is so boring. There’s no snuggle.
你就像吸血鬼一样躺在那里
You just lay there like a vampire.
偶尔我还是会翻身 你们知道吗？
Every now and then, I’ll still turn over, you know?
也许我今天过得不好 也许今天是我的生日
Maybe I had a bad day. Maybe it’s my birthday.
我需要被善待
I want a treat.
那是我现在的新习惯 我不抽烟
That’s my new vice now. I don’t smoke cigarettes,
但我偶尔会像个坏男孩一样 压着肚子睡觉
but every now and then I sleep on my tum-tum like a bad boy.
我最近有另一种成熟的经验 我带…
Another kind of grown-up experience I had recently, I took my, um…
我带我的女朋友做乳♥房♥♥检查
I took my girlfriend to get a mammogram.
这是定期的乳腺癌筛查
It’s a regular screening for breast cancer.
这是她第一次做 我也不太了解
It was her first one. I didn’t know much about it.
当你做乳♥房♥♥检查 他们会拿你的乳♥房♥♥
When you get a mammogram, what happens is they take your boob
把它放在一个薄饼机上
and they place it on a tortilla press,
然后多次撞击它
And then they smash it multiple times.
太残忍♥了 我很惊讶这是常规操作
It’s brutal. I was surprised this was the routine.
我说：“ 你是医生 还是你在做奶♥子♥三明治？
I was like, “Are you a doctor or are you making some titty paninis?”
太痛苦了
It’s so painful.
他们第一次砸我女朋友的胸时 她放屁了
The first time they smashed my girlfriend’s boob, she farted.
大家都很惊讶
Everybody was surprised.
她做了她必须做的事 你们知道吗？她这是正当防卫
She did what she had to do, you know? She defended herself.
因为她被袭击了
Because she was attacked.
她不是很开心 对吧？
She wasn’t going down pleasantly, right?
我们都知道战斗还是逃跑 但有时还有第三个F选择
We all know about fight-or-flight, but sometimes there’s a third F option.
他们在学校不会教你 你是在街头学到的
They don’t teach you that in school, you learned that in the streets.
当我听到
When I heard
屁声…
the fart…
我马上感到共鸣
immediately, I felt a lot of empathy.
对我的女孩非常同情 因为我知道她有多痛苦
A lot of compassion for my girl, because I knew how much it hurt her.
我知道她忍♥受痛苦的能力和我相似
I know her threshold for pain is similar to mine,
但我也知道她超级害怕当众放屁
but I also know her fear of farting in public is way higher.
这就是伤痛的等级
That’s how much it hurt.
这真的很夸张 老兄
That’s too much, man.
我们在医生办公室 试图帮助一个人健康
We at the doctor’s office trying to help somebody be healthy.
不应该那么暴♥力♥
It should not be that violent.
对男生不是这样的
That’s not the way it is for guys.
当他们对男人进行检查时 他们会做什么？他们会碰你的蛋蛋
When they screen men, what do they do? They touch your balls.
他们用手指插♥进♥你的屁♥股♥
They put a finger in your butt.
太轻松了
That’s pretty chill.
对 这是相对温柔的 兄弟
Yeah, that’s relatively tender, man.
我不介意
I don’t mind.
那是为了我的健康
That’s for my health.
如果我没搞错 我相信这里的大部分男士
If I’m not mistaken, I believe most guys in here,
我们已经因为好玩 为自己筛查过了
we already screen ourselves for fun.
为了好玩 为了知识
For funsies, for knowledge.
了解自己
Know thyself.
我想说的是 对所有人而言
My point is, it should be equally easy
得到他们需要的照顾 应该一样容易
for everybody to get the care that they need.
如果不是这样的话 那就不是标准
It would not be the standard if it was the other way around.
男士不会接受这样的程序
Guys would not be okay with such a procedure.
如果他们告诉我：“我们要检查癌症
Right? If they told me, “We’re gonna screen for cancer
但我们要打你的蛋蛋几次”
but we’re gonna have to smash your balls a few times.”
我会说：“医生…”
I’d be like, “Doc…”
“我应该没病”
“I probably don’t got it.”
“我感觉很好 医生 我感觉很放松”
“I feel good, Doc. I feel loose.”
“我感觉很好 我们很好 兄弟 下次见”
“I feel all right. We’re good, man. I’ll see you next time.”
太棒了 你们知道吗？
It’s amazing, you know?
我们最近吃的药太棒了
The medicine that we have these days, it’s amazing.
但我们还要看到多少篇新文章
But how many more times are we gonna have to read an article
说他们找到一种治疗癌症的新方法
about how they found a new cure for cancer