王胜：香甜多汁（脱口秀）（2022）

今年夏天我会读一本书
This summer, I’m gonna read one book
或者读这封邮件
or I’m gonna read this email.
升级速度太慢了
The uprate load is too slow.
我读得太慢了 我希望 我可以直接插上电源 你们知道吗？
I read too slow. I wish I could just plug it in, you know?
就像《黑客帝国》 你们知道 那个端口吗？把端口这样放进去就好
Like The Matrix. You know that port? Just put the port in there like that.
《高效人士的七大习惯》
7 Habits of Highly ive People.
我是个拖拉的人 真的很糟糕 这是个问题 你们知道吗？
I’m a procrastinator, man. It’s really bad. It’s a problem, you know?
我到现在还没写完这个笑话呢
Like, I haven’t even finished writing this joke yet.
这太严重了 兄弟 太严重了
It’s so severe, man. It’s so severe.
我担心我的临终愿望清单最终
I’m worried eventually my bucket list
会成变成一些我还没做的差事
is just gonna be a bunch of errands I haven’t run yet.
如果我的医生说
How sad would that be if my doctor was like,
“你还剩几个月的时间” 那该多难过 我会说：“该死 我得快点
“You got a few months left to live,” I’d be like, “Dang, I got to hurry up
把这些照片裱起来”
and frame these photos.”
我的墙一直是光秃秃的 就像我是个刺客一样
“I’ve been living with bare walls like I’m an assassin.”
一个很长时间以来 我一直在努力的目标是
One goal I’ve been working on for a long time.
我一直在努力保持良好的姿势
I’ve been working on having good posture.
太难了 不知道我能不能办到
It’s hard, dude. I don’t know if I’ll get there.
我这辈子都很懒散
My whole life, my whole life, I have slouched
因为我超级谦虚
because I’m super humble.
我是个好人 你们知道吗？
I’m a good dude, you know?
我觉得这是默认的 对吧？
I see that as the default, right?
当我看到有人站直时 我不相信这是自然的
When I see somebody stand up straight, I don’t believe that’s natural.
我觉得他们是故意的 我心想：“你是想对我炫耀吗？”
I feel like they doing it on purpose. I’m like, “You trying to flex on me?”
我也可以做到 我也可以假装相信自己
I can do that too. I can also pretend like I believe in myself.
我已经懒散很久了 感觉这很正常 很舒服
I’ve slouched for so long it feels normal, it feels comfortable.
感觉我在传达正确的信息
It feels like I’m sending the right message.
就像 “嘿 没人能伤害这个人”
It’s like, “Hey, nobody hurt this guy.”
不 兄弟 他已经坏了
No, man. He already broken.
我感觉很安全
I feel safe.
如果你不了解我 我本来是德州人
If you don’t know me, I’m originally from Texas.
我在休斯顿长大
I grew up in Houston.
我跟碧昂丝是同一所出初中的
I went to the same middle school as Beyoncé.
太疯狂了 对吧？碧昂丝
That’s crazy, right? Beyoncé.
和我
And me.
太疯狂了 光是碧昂斯自己就已经很厉害了
That’s wild. Beyoncé alone is a pretty big deal.
然后你发现王胜是同一座城市的人
Then you find out Sheng Wang came from the same part of town.
你会觉得：“哇 这里人才好多啊”
That’s like, “Wow, that’s a lot of talent.”
一定是水里有什么东西 各位
Must have been something in that water, y’all.
我从小就学佛学理论 但我很愿意 接受其他思想 你们知道吧？
I was raised with Buddhist philosophies, but I’m very open-minded, you know?
我会去任何有篮球场的教堂
I will go to any church that has a basketball court.
那是我的运动 我打篮球作为有氧运动 好吗？
That’s my exercise. I play basketball for cardio, all right?
但不是随随便便和任何人玩
But not just with anybody.
每个星期二 我都会在公园里 见一群特定的朋友
Every Tuesday, I meet a specific group of friends at the park,
因为我们都玩得不好 没人想要受伤
because we all suck and nobody wants to get hurt.
这是个好游戏 我从不骂别人 但我经常傻笑
It’s a kind game. I never talk trash, but I giggle a lot.
没错 因为我的头脑想要做一切
Yeah, because my mind wants to do all these things
但我的身体不执行
that my body does not execute.
等我拿到球时 我的头脑想 “好 我们要做一个过人
When I get the ball my mind’s like, “Okay, we gonna do a crossover.”
我们要转身运球 然后以一个优雅的挑篮结束”
“We’re gonna do a spin move, and finish with a very graceful finger roll.”
我的身体是 其实 我们要把球传出界
And my body’s like, “Actually, we’re gonna pass this ball out of bounds.”
失误 傻笑时间到
“Turnover. Giggle time.”
这是公共空间
It’s a public space.
我无法控制其他人是否想投篮
I can’t control if other people want to shoot hoops,
但我在不想和某人打球的时候 立刻就能判断出来
but I can tell if I don’t want to play with somebody right away.
比如一个危险信♥号♥♥就是 他们身材好不好
Like, one red flag is if they look fit.
我说：“哦 你很健康啊？好”
I’m like, “Oh, you healthy, huh? Okay.”
“太好了 老兄 你真厉害 我想你一定有技术”
“That’s good, man. That’s good for you. I bet you’ve got skills.”
“但这不是重点”
“But that’s not what this is about.”
“不 兄弟 我和我的朋友们 每一个人 我们在这是 因为我们都有疾病”
“No, man, me and my friends, everybody, we all here because we got diseases.”
“高血压、高胆固醇 糖尿病、脂肪肝”
“High blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, fatty liver.”
“我们不是来打球的 我们是来延缓死亡的”
“We’re not here to play games. We here to delay death.”
“你可以带医生的证明回来”
“You can come back with a doctor’s note.”
我爱那些家伙 你们知道吗？ 他们对我来说很特别
I love those dudes, you know? They’re very special to me.
他们是我这辈子交过的 最随意的一群朋友
They’re the most random group of friends I’ve ever made in my whole life,
因为他们都是我在公园里遇到的
because they’re all grown men
成熟男人
that I met… at the park.
他们是我的公园男孩
They’re my park boys.
如果我有机会去抢劫
If I ever did a heist,
那就是我的团队
that’s my crew.
有两个原因 第一个是 我们已经打了八年多的球
Two main reasons. Number one, we’ve been balling for eight-plus years,
却没人知道其他人的姓
and yet nobody knows anyone’s last names.
他们几乎不知道我的名字 我的名字叫胜 他们都叫我昌
They barely know my first name. My name is Sheng, they all call me Chang.
第二 我们有丰富的背景和技能组合
Number two, we have a deep array of backgrounds and skill sets.
要是去抢劫 我们可以扮演 各种不同的角色
We have diverse role players that you’d need to pull off a heist.
我们有一个黑人兄弟 负责高端住♥宅♥照明
We got a Black dude that works in high-end residential lighting,
这样他就能够出入
so he has access to all these rich celebrity houses
整个洛杉矶的名人府邸
throughout Los Angeles.
我们有一个萨尔瓦多财务顾问 来帮忙洗钱
We got a Salvadorian financial adviser to help launder the loot,
管理钱财
manage the money.
我们有个墨西哥警♥察♥ 如果法律想介入 他可以进行干预
We got a Mexican cop to run interference if the law wants to get involved.
我们还有另一个没技术的家伙 但他是白人
We got another dude that’s got no technical skills, but he’s white.
他拥有我不太明白的能力 但是…
He got powers I don’t really understand but, like…
他在队伍里 兄弟
he on the team, man.
我们得有不同的风格 各位
We got to have diversity, folks.
我不能再穿四角裤打篮球了
I can’t play basketball in my boxers anymore.
我得穿内♥裤♥
I had to go back to wearing briefs.
因为我的身体正在经历变化
Because my body is going through changes.
我发现我的蛋蛋想出走
And I found out that my balls are trying to leave.
这些年我太善良了 我给了它们太多自♥由♥
I’ve been too kind over the years. I gave them too much freedom.
现在它们想要独♥立♥了
Now they want independence.
我不能让它们那样 我要镇♥压♥叛乱
I can’t have that. I got to crush the rebellion.
缩短皮带
Shorten the leash.
我知道这个 是因为有一天在球场上 在一场游戏中…
I know this because one day on the court, in the middle of a play…
我的蛋蛋打到了我的大腿里侧
my balls hit my inner thigh.
撞击声很大
And there was a loud clap.
我很害羞
I got real shy.
我很紧张 因为我知道 接下来会发生什么
I was nervous, because I knew what was gonna happen next.
会有人叫犯规
Somebody called foul.
我必须解释：“不 我是受害者”
I had to explain, “No, man, I’m the victim.”
“也是凶手”
“And the perpetrator.”
那是“未控制的球”的犯规
That’s a “loose balls” foul.
所以…
So…
我不得不买♥♥内♥裤♥ 对吧？
So I had to buy briefs, right?
我从中学开始就没买♥♥过内♥裤♥
I have not bought briefs… since middle school.
这有好长时间了 我很好奇 有什么改变？有什么新鲜事？
It’s been a long time. I was curious. What’s changed? What’s new?
我做了一些搜索 我找到了一些新的内♥裤♥
I did some research, I found some new briefs.
没有开孔
No fly hole.
我很感兴趣 我不用开孔
I was intrigued. I don’t use the fly hole.
通常我尿尿的时候
Usually, when I got to pee,
很紧急 没时间去穿针引线
it’s too urgent for me to thread the needle.
我得直接去小便池
I got to go straight to the urinal.
我没时间找秘密暗门
I don’t have time to find a secret trapdoor.
所以我买♥♥了 我很兴奋 我买♥♥了新的没有开孔的短裤
So I got them. I was excited. I bought these new no-fly hole briefs.
但当我打开包装时 我意识到
But then when I opened up the packaging, I realized, man,
我确定我买♥♥了一些女裤
I’m pretty sure I bought some panties.
有什么区别？ 这些是柔软的黑色女裤
What’s the difference? These are soft, black panties.
这不是我想买♥♥的
That’s not what I wanted.
是的 它们合身 是我的尺码
Yes, they fit. They are my size.
它们只是太他妈性感了
They just too damn sexy.
我不知道我还喜欢这种东西
I don’t know me like that.
你们知道 他们在这里剪得很低 在这里很高？
You know, the way they cut so low over here, so high over there.
他们要如何包住我的臀部和大腿窝
How they wrap around my hip and my inner thigh pit.
我从没被这样包围过
I’ve never been held like this before.
它在赋予力量 伙计
It’s empowering, dude.
当我穿上这些女裤时 我的姿势很快就变好了
When I put on those panties, my posture got good real quick,
然后我不自觉地开始起伏
And then involuntarily, I started to undulate.
我开始…
I just started to, like…
这不是我的选择 这是女裤的灵魂在我身上穿过
That’s not my choice, that’s the spirit of the panty running through me.
我只是一个容器 老兄
I’m just a vessel, dude.