与安德烈晚餐（1981）

于是再一次 我们一个接一个 被领了出去
And then again, one by one, one at a time, we were led out.
还是带着眼罩
The blindfold was put on…
我感到自己被放到某种担架上
and I felt myself being lowered onto something like a stretcher.
在担架上 我被抬了很长一段路 很慢地 穿过那些森林
And the stretcher was carried a long way, very slowly, through these forests…
之后我感到自己又被挪进了地下
and then I felt myself being lowered into the ground.
他们 实际上 挖了6个坟墓
They had, in fact, dug six graves…
8英尺深
eight feet deep.
我感到有木板被盖在我身上
And then I felt these pieces of wood being put on me.
沃利 我我无法向你描述 我经历了怎样的感觉
And I cannot tell you, Wally, what I was going through.
担架被放进墓中
And then the stretcher was lowered into the grave…
木板盖到我身上
and then this wood was put on me…
我的财物被塞进我手里
and then my valuables were put on me, in my hands.
他们还带了 某种床单或帆布
And they’d taken, you know, a kind of sheet or canvas…
他们把布扯开大概这么多 蒙在我头上
and they’d stretched about this much above my head…
他们往坟墓里铲土
and then they shoveled dirt into the grave…
我真的有种被活埋的感觉
so that I really had the feeling of being buried alive.
在墓里过了大概半个小时后-
And after being in the grave for about half an hour–
我其实不知道 自己在里面躺了多久-
I mean, I didn’t know how long I’d be in there —
我又被挖出来 抬出坟墓
I was resurrected, lifted out of the grave…
去掉了眼罩 跑过田野
blindfold taken off, and run through these fields.
我们来到一大圈篝火旁 还有音乐和热葡萄酒
And we came to a great circle of fire, with music and hot wine…
每个人都跳舞跳到清晨
and everyone danced until dawn.
[咯咯笑声] 到了清晨
[Chuckling] And then at dawn…
每个人都尽其所能 把那些坟墓填上了
to the best of our ability, we filled up the graves…
之后就回了纽约
and went back to New York.
这也是我最后一次大事件了 一切的结尾
And that was really the last big event. I mean, that was the end.
你看 我开始意识到
I mean, you know, I began to realize…
自己再也不想做这些事了 你明白吗？
I just didn’t want to do these things anymore, you know?
我体会到某种平和宁静 就像《白鲸》里
I felt sort of becalmed, you know, like that chapter in Moby Dick…
风息帆歇的那一章
Where the wind goes out of the sails.
去年冬天 我想也没怎么想
And then last winter, without, uh, thinking about it very much…
就去见了一位经纪人 告诉他我打算再次执导戏剧
I went to see this agent I know to tell him I was interested in directing plays again.
实际上 他似乎有些惊讶
Actually, he seemed a little surprised…
看到这个瑞普·凡·温克尔还活着（华盛顿·欧文小说人物）
to see that Rip Van Winkle was still alive.
嗯
Mmm.
我的天
God.
我才知道它们这么小
I didn’t know they were so small.
[安德烈咯咯笑]
[Andre Chuckles]
你看 坦白说
Well, you know, frankly…
这整个故事 让我有点厌恶 如果你真想知道的话
I’m sort of repelled by the whole story, if you really want to know.
此话怎讲？ – 啊 你看-
What? – Ah, you know —
我还当自己是谁呀？
Who did I think I was, you know?
这就好像 某个被宠坏的公主的故事
I mean, that’s the story of some kind of spoiled princess, you know.
我把自己当谁了 伊朗的国王吗？
Who did I think I was, the Shah of Iran?
沃利 我真的怀疑 像我自己这样的人 和阿尔伯特·斯佩尔有什么不同
You know, I really wonder if people such as myself are really not Albert Speer, Wally.
你知道吗 希♥特♥勒♥的建筑师 阿尔伯特·斯佩尔？ – 谁？
You know, Hitler’s architect, Albert Speer? – What?
听着 关于他 我最近思考了很多 因为 呃 我觉得自己就是斯佩尔
No, I’ve been thinking a lot about him recently because, uh, I think I am Speer.
而且我觉得 该是时候我也被抓起来 被审判了
And I think it’s time that I was caught and tried the way he was.
你在说些什么啊？
What are you talking about?
听我说 他是个极其有教养的人 一个建筑师 艺术家
Well, you know, he was a very cultivated man, an architect, an artist, you know…
所以他觉得平常的生活规则 也不适用于他
so he thought the ordinary rules of life didn’t apply to him either.
我是说 我真的感到自己做的一切
I mean, I really feel that everything I’ve done…
糟糕极了 简直糟透了
is horrific, just horrific.
天呐 为什么呢？
My God. But why?
你看-沃利 我见过很多死亡 就在这过去的几年中
You see –You see, I’ve seen a lot of death in the last few years, Wally…
关于死亡 有一件事是非常确定的-
and there’s one thing that’s for sure about death —
你必须独自面对 你知道 那是必然的
You do it alone, you see. That seems quite certain, you see.
我意识到 围在你灵床前的人 对你来说没任何意义
That I’ve seen. That the people around your bed mean nothing.
你的忏悔没有任何意义 无论如何 你必须独自完成它
Your reviews mean nothing. Whatever it is, you do it alone.
所以问题是 当我大限将至时 我将是怎样的一个人？
And so the question is, when I get on my deathbed, what kind of a person am I gonna be?
如果到那时 还是像我前几年那样生活
And I’m just very dubious about the kind of person who would have lived his life…
就太不靠谱了
those last few years the way I did.
为什么你会这样想？
Why should you feel that way?
听着 沃利 在过去的几个月里 我经历了很艰难的一个时期
You see, I’ve had a very rough time in the last few months, Wally.
家里3个不同的人 同时住进了医院
Three different people in my family were in the hospital at the same time.
然后我母亲去世了
Then my mother died.
之后玛利亚的背出了些问题 我们都担心死了
Then Marina had something wrong with her back, and we were terribly worried about her.
你看 所以-所以 现在我觉得非常痛苦
You know, so — so, I mean, I’m feeling very raw right now.
我是说-我睡不着觉 我的神经垮了
I mean, uh — I mean, I can’t sleep, my nerves are shot.
任何事情都能影响我
I mean, I’m affected by everything.
上周 有个非常杰出的挪威导演 来和我吃晚饭
You know, la-last week I had this really nice director from Norway over for dinner…
我们相识多年
and he’s someone I’ve known for years and years…
他还是个我挺喜欢的人
and he’s somebody that I think I’m quite fond of.
而我坐在那儿 想的都是 他是个多么傲慢的 拒人于千里之外的
And I was sitting there just thinking that he was a pompous, defensive…
既保守又爱摆架子的人 他只关心剧院的事
conservative stuffed shirt who was only interested in the theater.
他简直说个不停 他母亲曾是个有名气的挪威喜剧演员
He was talking and talking. His mother had been a famous Norwegian comedienne.
我发现那个晚上 他说“我记得我妈” 至少有400次之多
I realized he had said “I remember my mother” at least 400 times during the evening.
他说着一个又一个 关于他母亲的故事
And he was telling story after story about his mother.
这些故事我以前就听过20回了
You know, I’d heard these stories 20 times in the past.
他一声不吭喝着整瓶的波本威士忌
He was drinking this whole bottle of bourbon very quietly.
他的笑声讨厌极了
His laugh was so horrible.
我能听见他的笑- 笑声里的那种痛苦 那种空洞
You know, I could hear his laugh — the pain in that laugh, the hollowness.
作为那个女人的儿子 给他造成的这些
You know, what being that woman’s son had done to him.
所以 到了某个时候 我不得不请他离开- 当然 谨慎得体地
You know, so at a certain point I just had to ask him to leave — nicely, you know.
我告诉他我明天要早起 因为我实在忍♥受不了了
I told him I had to get up early the next morning, ’cause it was so horrible.
他当时 就好像死在了我的起居室里
It was just as if he had died in my living room.
之后我去了浴室哭 因为我感到自己失去了一位朋友
You know, then I went into the bathroom and cried ’cause I felt I’d lost a friend.
在他走后 我打开电视
And then after he’d gone, I turned the television on…
屏幕上 有个家伙刚赢了个 什么-什么的
and there was this guy who had just won the something-something.
某个体育比赛- 一张巨大的支票 和一个很大的银奖杯
Some sports event — some kind of a great big check and some kind of huge silver bottle.
而他-他不能把支票塞进奖杯里
And he, you know — he couldn’t stuff the check in the bottle…
于是他把奖杯放到鼻子跟前 假装那是他的脸
and he put the bottle in front of his nose and pretended it was his face.
他甚至没有真的在听 采访他的那个家伙说话
He wasn’t really listening to the guy who was interviewing him…
但他却能对他的朋友们不怀好意地微笑 我看着这个人就想
but he was smiling malevolently at his friends, and I looked at that guy and I thought…
“这是一个多么讨厌的 空洞的 玩弄他人的鼠辈”
“What a horrible, empty, manipulative rat.”
然后我又想“那个人就是我” [笑声]
Then I thought, “That guy is me.” [Laughing]
还有 昨天晚上 是我和乔姬塔结婚20周年纪念日
Then last night actually, you know, it was our 20th wedding anniversary…
我带她去看 一出关于比莉·荷莉戴（爵士乐手）的戏
and I took Chiquita to see this show about Billie Holiday.
我看着戏中 那些做演艺生意的人 对荷莉戴一无所知 完全不懂
I looked at these show business people who know nothing about Billie Holiday, nothing.
你看 他们真的算是 某种意义上 知识分子爬虫
You see, they were really kind of, in a way, intellectual creeps.
我突然就有了这种感触 我是说 我当时坐在那儿 哭完了大部分的演出
And I suddenly had this feeling. I mean, you know I was just sitting there, crying through most of the show.
我突然就有了这种感触 我也不过是他们中的一个
And I suddenly had this feeling I was just as creepy as they were…
我的整个人生 都是虚伪的赝品
and that my whole life had been a sham…
我甚至没那个胆量 去做比莉·荷莉戴
and I didn’t have the guts to be Billie Holiday either.
我是说 我真切地感到 自己被荡涤一清 擦除殆尽
I mean, I really feel that I’m just washed up, wiped out.
我感到自己一直在挥霍生命
I feel I’ve just squandered my life.
安德烈 你怎么可以这样说自己？
Andre, now, how can you say something like that?
我是说-
I mean —
这个么 你知道我现在 可能处在非常情绪化的状态 沃利
Well, you know, I may be in a very emotional state right now, Wally…
但自从我回家后 我就不断发觉 我们生活的世界
but since I’ve come back home I’ve just been finding the world we’re living in…
越来越令人心烦
more and more upsetting.
你看 上周的一个下午 我去了公众剧院
I mean, last week I went down to the Public Theater one afternoon.
当我走进去时 我总是向所有人问好
You know, when I walked in, I said hello to everybody…
因为我认识他们 他们也都认识我 那儿的人总是非常友善
’cause I know them all, and they all know me, they’re always very friendly.
你知道吗？ 有7到8个人 告诉我我看起来好极了
You know that seven or eight people told me how wonderful I looked?
只有一个人-一个女人 负责选角办公室的 她说
And then one person — one — a woman who runs the casting office, said…
“天啊 你看上去糟透了 出了什么事吗？”
“Gee, you look horrible. Is something wrong?”
所以 她-我们开始聊天 当然 我开始告诉她发生的事情
Now, she –You know, we started talking. Of course, I started telling her things.
突然她就哭了 因为她的一位80高龄的婶婶
And she suddenly burst into tears because an aunt of hers who’s 80…
也是她非常喜欢的婶婶 因为白内障进了医院 后来治好了
whom she’s very fond of, went into the hospital for a cataract, which was solved.
但有个护士非常不负责任 她没有把床栏立起来
But the nurse was so sloppy, she didn’t put the bed rails up…
所以老太太从床上摔下来了 现在彻底的残疾了
and so the aunt fell out of bed and is now a complete cripple.
你看 我们聊了关于医院的事
So you know, we were talking about hospitals.
这个女人 由于她的处境-
Now, you know, this woman, because of who she is —
因为她这件事是最近 刚刚才发生的
You know, ’cause this had happened to her very, very recently.
她就能够完全清楚地洞察我 – 嗯
She could see me with complete clarity. – Uh-huh.
虽然她并不知道我经历过什么
She didn’t know anything about what I’d been going through.
可其他人 他们看见的 只有我晒黑的皮肤 或者这件衬衫
But the other people, what they saw was this tan, or this shirt…
或者是我的衬衫和肤色搭配的很好
or the fact that the shirt goes well with the tan.
所以他们才会说“天啊 你看上去好极了”
So they said, “Gee, you look wonderful.”