我和厄尔以及将死的女孩

我不知该如何讲述这个故事
I have no idea how to tell this story.
我甚至不知道该从何说起
I don’t even know how to start it.
也许我可以引用那些
Like, I guess I could use one of those classic
经典小说的开头
story beginning sentences.
“那是最美好的时代 那是最糟糕的时代”
“It was the best of times; it was the worst of times.”
但是这句子究竟是什么意思
But what would that even mean?
我是说 显然对世间某处
I mean, obviously, somewhere in the world,
某人而言 这是最美好的时代
it’s the best of times for someone.
例如他正在享用丰盛的
Like he’s eating all this insane
越南大餐而无需花钱…
vietnamese food he just got for free…
而为他上菜的女士
and the woman who delivered the food
像极了”暴♥动♥小猫乐队”里的辣妹
looks exactly like the hot girl from Pussy Riot
而现在她正在角落里
and now she’s situated in the corner
用竖琴奏出悦耳动听的旋律
playing unspeakably beautiful melodies on the harp,
而他只是埋头苦吃
while he’s just going to town on that food.
所以没错 那是最好的时代
So, yeah, that’s the best of times.
而此时此刻的另一人
Meanwhile, some other guy is having
被酷刑高手瓦解了意志…
his will broken by professional torturers…
他们把他吊在满是鳄鱼的酸水池上
who are suspending him over a crocodile-infested pool of acid.
而由于酸水
And because it’s acid,
那些鳄鱼都被激怒了
these crocodiles are just pissed.
它们还散发出一种恶心的气味…
And they’re also piping in that gross smell you get…
像是撒了许多牛奶
when they spill a bunch of milk
在学校停车场上的味道
in the school parking lot.
而这个强壮的行刑人
And this beefy torture dude
正把他打得屁♥股♥尿流
is just punching the hell out of him.
最糟糕的时代 达成
Worst of times. Check.
好了 看 我就这么开始吧
All right, look. I’ll just start.
这故事讲述了我的高三生活
This is the story of my senior year of high school
以及它如何毁掉了我的人生
and how it destroyed my life.
还有我如何拍出烂到确实要了人命的电影
And how I made a film so bad, it literally killed someone.
我和厄尔以及将死的女孩
我曾如此看待这里
I used to think about it this way:
仙利高中是一个自成一体的世界
Schenley High School was a world unto itself.
到高三时 我已精通这世界多个国家的
By senior year, I had mastered the languages and customs
语言和风俗
of its various sovereign states.
运动员国的点头礼
The head nods of Jock Nation.
瘾君子王国的碰拳礼
The fist bumps of the Kingdom of Stoners.
电影呆子人♥民♥共和国
The innocuous witticisms of
那毫无意义的俏皮话
the People’s Republic of Theater Dorks.
格雷戈 你夏天过得怎么样
Greg, how was your summer?
夏天 这个词到底什么意思
Summer. What does that word even mean?
是更”summ”吗
Like, more “summ”?
在典型的高中生活里
In a typical high school life,
你总会属于一个国家…
you belong to one nation…
那无法使你得到全面保护
which can never guarantee you total security.
但我认为我找到了解决之道
But I thought I found a way out.
取得所有国家的居民身份
Get citizenship in every nation.
获得畅通无阻的护照
Get passports to everywhere.
只需和所有人低调和谐相处…
Just be on low-key good terms with everyone…
不时与他们随意交流…
casually interact with them once in a while…
而不引起他人注意
in a way that is invisible to everyone else.
从不参与任何
Never commit to an interaction
不轻松或不成熟的交流
that won’t be casual or mellow.
你今天测试/考试吗
Your test was today?
呃 考试 我可以体会
Ugh. Tests! I’ve been there.
这就像派兵去往阿富汗一样
That’s like sending troops to Afghanistan.
和逼格最高的国家的公民
Maintain relationships with citizens
保持良好的关系
of the most dicked-upon nations.
比如斯考特·梅休
For example, Scott Mayhew,
就是坐我旁边的哥特风白♥痴♥
the gothy dork I’m sitting next to here.
斯考特 这张狂战士出得真棒
Scott, nice Berserker.
我该谢谢你
Thank you?
耕耘多年才收获了他的信任
It took years of cultivation to win his trust.
又或者是被全世界孤立的”病态菲尔”
Or the universally ostracized Ill Phil.
真的是孤家寡人
Truly a nation of one.
但有些地方是我不能去的
And there were some places I simply couldn’t go.
比如学校的餐厅
Like the cafeteria.
这里的每一寸土地都是争议领土
Every last square inch of it was disputed territory.
这就像克里米亚 克什米尔
It was Crimea, Kashmir,
还有加沙地带的混合体
and the Gaza Strip all rolled into one.
当然还包括有海盗出没的那片印度洋
Also the part of the Indian Ocean with pirates.
是”菲利普船长”电影那种海盗
Captain Phillips pirates,
不是”加勒比海盗”那种
not Pirates of the Caribbean.
但是实际上 天知道 也许两者都有
Although, actually, who knows? Maybe both.
描写德国电影大♥师♥沃纳·赫尔佐格艰难拍摄名片”陆上行舟”的纪录片
因此我总是在我历史老师的办公室
Instead, I always ate lunch in the office
吃午餐
of my history teacher.
麦卡锡先生
Mr. McCarthy.
注意
Fact:
我要去309待上…二十分钟
I’m in 309 for the next… 20 minutes.
仙利高中里唯一一个理智的成年人
The only reasonable adult in all of Schenley.
异教♥徒♥们
Heathens.
尊重科研
Respect the research.
和厄尔一起吃午餐 他在我人生中的角色
With Earl, whose role in my life
我现在都不想跟你们解释
I’m not even gonna try to explain to you right now.
压倒性的和集体性的谋杀的和谐
The harmony of overwhelming and collective murder.
最后一点 辣妹会毁了你的生活
One last thing. Hot girls destroy your life.
事实就是这样 无论那个辣妹是否是个好人
That ‘s just the fact. It doesn’t matter if the hot girl is also a good person.
她是一头麋鹿 而你是金花鼠
She’s a moose, you’re a chipmunk.
显然她只是在森林里漫步
She’s just wandering through the forest, oblivious.
甚至没意识到踩在了你头上
And she doesn’t even know that she stomped on your head.
嗨 麦迪森
Hey, Madison.
嗨 夏天过的怎么样
Hey, how was your summer?
夏天 这个词究竟什么意思 对吧
Summer. What does that word even mean, right?
更”summ”
More “summ.”
就像冬天 难道是更”wint”吗
Winter, same deal. More “wint”?
麦卡锡老师在309教室
McCarthy’s in 309.
好的 谢谢
Great, thanks.
谦卑于
To become humbled
这里极端的痛苦…
in front of this overwhelming misery…
和不可抗拒的通奸
and overwhelming fornication
还有惊人的无秩序
and overwhelming lack of order.
咪♥咪♥
Titties.
-亲爱的 我们能进来吗 -天啊 天啊
-Honey, can we come in? -Jesus, Jesus!
进来吧 有什么事吗
Yeah. What do you want?
首先 我在翻找…
First of all, I was going through…
你的杂物然后发现你
your stuff and I saw that you
甚至还没有拆封大学申请指导
have not even unwrapped your college directory.
妈 别翻我的东西
Mom, don’t go through my stuff.
我们讨论过了 她有权利看你的东西
We discussed it, and she gets to go through your stuff.
就看一眼 这挺有意思的
Just have a look. It’s fun.
这就像为你的未来点菜
It’s like a menu for your future.
你想来点什么 来点宾州州立
What are you in the mood for? Some Penn State?
还是佩伯代因大学 波莫纳 普林斯顿
Some Pepperdine? Pomona? Princeton?
我考不上普林斯顿的
I’m not getting into Princeton.
他考不上普林斯顿的
He’s not getting into Princeton.
唔 就这事吗
Um, so, is that it?
不 亲爱的 还有一件事
No, honey, it’s not it.
你父亲和我要跟你说件有点悲伤的事情
Your father and I want to talk to you about something kind of sad.
什么
What?
发生了什么
What happened?
我刚刚和蒂尼斯·库什纳通了电♥话♥
Well, I just got off the phone with Denise Kushner,
是瑞秋的妈妈 你认识蒂尼斯吗
Rachel’s mom. You know Denise?
不认识
Um, not really.
但是你总是瑞秋的朋友吧
You’re friends with Rachel, though.
是啊 我是说我们也就认识而已
Yeah, I mean, we’re like, acquainted.
过来
Come here.
好吧
Okay.
瑞秋才刚刚被诊断出了白血病
Rachel’s been diagnosed with leukemia.
他们才发现
They just found out.