婚姻故事

很难说清楚
It’s difficult to articulate.
事情…
It’s…
不像说不爱了那么简单
not as simple as not being in love anymore.
我懂
I understand.
不如从头说起吧 从哪都可以
Why don’t you start at the beginning? Wherever that is for you.
好吧
Well, uh…
我之前和本订婚了
I was engaged to Ben
住在洛杉矶
and living in LA, you know?
我感觉 没错 我想和本拍电影并嫁给他
And I felt like yes, I want to make movies and marry Ben.
天啊 我当时也就二十岁左右
Jesus, I was only 19 or 20 at the time.
我这辈子从没觉得自己那么老过
I never felt older in my whole life.
总之 如果说实话
Anyway, if I was honest with myself,
我感觉内心有一小部分死去了
it was like a small part of me felt dead…
或者将死了
or dead-ish.
你告诉自己
You know, you tell yourself,
“没有完美之人 也没有完美恋情”
“No one’s perfect, no relationship’s perfect.”
这茶真好喝
This tea is delicious.
是吧 加了麦卢卡蜂蜜
Isn’t it? It’s the Manuka honey.
总之 你刚刚问起查理
Anyway, uh, you were asking about Charlie.
所以
So, um…
所以 是的 我当时…我当时
So, yes. So, I was… I was…
和本在一起很幸福 也意识到自己心死了
happy with Ben and aware of the deadness,
我去了纽约
and I went to New York
去见一部太空电影的导演
to meet with this director for this space movie.
但这是一部对太空严肃对待的电影
But one where they take space seriously, like…
在太空进行性♥交♥易
sex trafficking in space.
有政♥治♥意义
You know, it was political.
至少他们想让我们这么觉得
Or at least they wanted us to think it was.
总之 那部电影…
Anyway, it just…
那部电影和某些糟糕的色情片一样
it was really fulfilling the same need
满足的是相同的需求
that certain fucked up porn does.
但总之
But anyway, so…
我去了之后
while I was there…
制片人
the producer…
邀请我去看一场戏剧
invited me to see a play.
在一个人的公♥寓♥里演的 把灯都打开了
It took place in someone’s apartment with all the lights on.
我之前从未看过这样的剧
It was like nothing I’d ever seen before.
这种奇特的
This strange…
超现实的反乌托邦故事
surreal, dystopian story,
演得特别好
and it was so well-acted.
其中一位演员身材高大 邋邋遢遢
And one of the actors was this big shaggy bear
说台词的时候全程都盯着我
who played all his lines looking directly at me,
我知道不可能是这样 但我觉得是的
which I knew couldn’t be the case, but it felt like it.
之后当然了 我了解到我当时的感觉是对的
And then later, of course, I learned that it was.
这饼干也很好吃
These cookies are really great too.
走的时候送你几盒
I’ll send you home with some.
后来 我与演职人员认识了一下
Afterwards, I was introduced to the cast,
发现那个大高个还是导演
and the bear turned out to also be the director.
他和我说话
He talked to me and…
我也和他说话
I talked back.
我的心没有死去 只是暂时昏迷了
The dead part wasn’t dead, it was just in a coma.
然后
And…
和他聊天 比性♥爱♥还美妙
it was better than the sex, the talking.
不过
Although the…
性♥爱♥也和聊天一样
the sex was also like the talking.
恋爱中的一切都很相似
You know, everything is like everything in a relationship.
你不觉得吗
Don’t you find that?
然后
And, um…
我们两个
So, we spent…
一整夜和第二天都在一起 然后…
the whole night and the next day together and…
我就留下来了
I just never left.
是 说实话 所有的问题
Yes, to be honest, all the problems
在一开始就存在了
were there in the beginning too.
但我就接受了他和他的生活
But… I just went along with him and his life
因为活过来的感觉真是太好了
because it felt so damn good to feel myself alive.
一开始 我是演员 是明星
In the beginning, I was the actress, the star, and…
感觉还是很不错的
That felt like something, you know.
人们一开始都是冲着我来看剧的 但是
People came to see me at first, but…
我渐渐失去光彩了
the farther away I got from that and…
剧团越来越受欢迎
the more acclaim the theater company got,
我的分量也越来越轻
and I had less and less weight.
我就变成了那种
I just became…
“谁”
“Who?”
“就是当时演了那个的女演员”
“Well, you know, the actress that was in that thing that time.”
他变成了招牌
And he was the draw.
那…
And… that…
本来还没关系 但是
would’ve been fine, but…
我变得越来越渺小
I got smaller.
我意识到我…
I realized I…
我从来没有为自己而活过来
I didn’t ever really come alive for myself.
我只是成了他活着的养料
I was just feeding his aliveness.
然后
And…
你知道的
you know…
他那么聪明 又有创意 没…
he was so smart and creative, it…
没关系的
it was fine.
我会在家里私下告诉他一些事
You know, I would tell him things at home in private,
然后这些事
and they would work their way
会出现在公共谈话里 然后进入他的作品
into public conversation into his work, and…
有一段时间 我感觉满足了 我太…
For a while, that felt like enough. I mean, I was just so…
太…
so…
太受宠若惊 像他这样的人
so flattered that someone like him would…
会觉得我的想法值得一试
would find an idea I had worth trying
觉得我的评论值得重复
or a comment I made worth repeating and…
然后我怀孕了
and then, I got pregnant.
我以为生孩子这件事
And I thought that having a baby
可以是我们的 是真正属于我们俩的
could be ours, could really be ours,
但也是属于我自己的
but also really mine.
他非常激动
And… you know, he was so excited.
所以挺好的
So, it was nice.
持续了一段时间
For a while.
孩子…
I mean, kids, they…
属于他们自己 就好像
they belong to themselves. It’s like…
孩子离开你的身体一瞬间 就是
the instant they leave your body, it’s just…
孩子离开你的过程…
the process of them going away…
而我并不属于我自己
And I didn’t belong to myself.
小事 蠢事 大事都由不得我
And it was small stuff, stupid stuff, and big stuff.
我们家所有的家具
All the furniture in our house
都是他挑的
was his taste.
我都不知道自己的品味是什么了
I didn’t even know what my taste was anymore
因为没人征求过我的意见
because I had never been asked to use it.
我们的公♥寓♥都不是我选的 我直接搬到了他家
I didn’t even pick our apartment. I just moved into his.
我也表达过想搬回洛杉矶的想法 但是
And I made noises about wanting to move back to LA, but…
犹如石沉大海
they came to nothing.
我们会在节假日过来 因为他喜欢我的家人
And we’d come here on holidays because he liked my family.
但如果我提出来在这住一年什么的
But if I suggested we do a year or something,
他只会敷衍我
he’d just put me off.
我会…
It would be…
措手不及 如果他突然问我
strange if he turned to me and said,
“你今天想做什么”
“And what do you want to do today?”
我刚看完那部乔治·哈里森的纪录片
You know, I just watched that documentary on George Harrison,
披头士乐队主音吉他手
我就想 “认了
and I thought, “Own it.
认了
Just own it.
像乔治·哈里森的妻子那样
Be like George Harrison’s wife.
做个贤妻良母 这就够了”
Being a wife and a mother, that’s enough.”
结果我发现我想不起她的名字
Yeah, then I realized I couldn’t remember her name, so…
然后我接到了试播集的邀约
This pilot came along.
在洛杉矶拍摄 报酬丰厚
It shot in LA and it paid so much…
就好像有一根小小的求生索扔到我面前
And it was like there was this little lifeline thrown to me.
有一片属于你的天地
Here’s this bit of earth that’s yours, and…
为此我在他面前