路易·C·K 二〇一七（2017）

不过马修·麦康纳和查宁·塔图姆
Just Matthew McConaughey and Channing Tatum.
这俩 我♥操♥
Those two guys? Fuck.
我了个大操
Fuck, seriously.
马修穿着他的小皮裤
Matthew, with his, like, leathery skin.
他说”嘿”
He’s like, “Hey…”
就那样
Just…
性感得要死
Fucking sexy.
然后查宁呢 有点蠢相 像这样
And Channing, kind of dumb face, like…
我勒个去啊
Like, oh, shit!
操 老子喜欢
Fuck. I like it.
不过总的来说 我不喜欢男人
But men, in general, I’m not into it.
你们知道我怎么想的吗
You know what I think it is?
我只恋最棒的同性
I’m only gay for the best.
我是顶级同性恋
I’m top-shelf gay.
可不是一般货色 你们明白不
I’m not retail gay, you know what I mean?
更不是那种烂大街的货色
I’m not off-the-rack gay.
我不会去连锁商店买♥♥东西然后给一帮人吹♥箫♥
I’m not gonna go to JC Penney’s and suck a bunch of dicks.
我只会去挑奢侈品店的联名款
I’m going to go to Neiman Marcus and get the signature collection.
铂金大屌♥
Platinum dick.
最好的
The best.
最好的屌♥
The best dick.
因为我会尝试所有的顶级事物
Cause I’ll try the best anything.
如果这东西是最好的 那我就会试一试
If it’s the best one, I’ll try it.
就好比 我不喜欢白兰地
Like, I don’t like cognac.
我永远不可能买♥♥一瓶轩尼诗放家里
I would never buy a bottle of Hennessy and keep it in my house.
但我从没喝过最好的白兰地
But I’ve never tried the best cognac.
要是有人说 “要试试这个白兰地吗 这个
If somebody was like, “Would you like to try this cognac? It’s
这个白兰地300年前就已经有500年历史了”
This cognac was 500 years old 300 years ago.”
我就会说 “好哇 给老子来点”
Like, “Yeah. Fucking give me that.”
如果有人邀请我去一家肯尼亚餐馆
If somebody asked me to go to a Kenyan restaurant,
我才不想去什么肯尼亚餐馆呢
I don’t want to go to a Kenyan restaurant.
我知道我爱吃的是哪些东西
I know all the foods that I like.
但要是有人说 “这可是最好的肯尼亚餐馆
If somebody was like, “This is the best Kenyan restaurant.
提前六个月才能预定上
It takes six months to get a reservation.
我可以带你进去
I can get you in.
他们空运活乌龟过来
They fly live turtles in.
你直接吃 生吃它们尖叫的脸
And you eat it, you bite off its screaming face while it’s alive.
你吃的每一只乌龟都是该物种的最后一只”
And every turtle you eat is the last of his species.”
我等不及要吃那只该死的乌龟了
I can’t wait to eat that fucking turtle.
用我的嘴把它们那个物种赶尽杀绝
I’m going to end his people with my mouth.
最好的 我都会尝试
The best, I’ll try it.
要是有人说”我们这儿有个人 他有最棒的屌♥
If somebody was like, “We have a guy here, he has the best dick.
史上最好的屌♥
The best dick ever.
5岁起他的屌♥就被浸在橄榄油里
His dick has been soaking in olive oil since he was five years old.
他这辈子我们只给吃黄油和阴♥茎♥这两样东西
We’ve been feeding him nothing but butter and penises his whole life.
他有最棒的屌♥ 你现在就可以吸”
He has the best dick, and you can suck it right now.”
“先让我看看
“Well, let me see it.
我能看不
Can I see it?
你能掏出来吗
Can you take it out?
我靠 简直太美了 我的天呐
Oh, shit. That’s beautiful. Oh, my God.
现在这是我的最爱了
That’s my favorite thing now.
操 我就不该看的
Fuck, I shouldn’t have looked at it.
靠近点 我不知道我会干嘛
Bring it closer. I don’t know what I’m gonna do,
不过请靠近点”
but bring it closer, please.”
我觉得都到这份儿上了 你肯定往嘴里塞了 是吧
I think, at that point, you put it in your mouth, right?
如果你眼前是史上最好的屌♥
If you’re looking at the best dick ever,
而你还不太确定想不想吸
and you’re not sure… you wanna suck it,
就先放进嘴里吧
just put it in your mouth.
然后再做决定 先试个20秒
And then decide. Just for like 20 seconds.
这时间太长了 20秒
That’s a long time. That’s 20 seconds.
对于嘴里塞屌♥来说 已经算很长了
That’s a long time to have a dick in your mouth…
一个你不确定想不想吸的屌♥
that you’re ambivalent about.
20秒
It’s 20 sec
如果你含了个屌♥有20秒
If you have a dick in your mouth for 20 seconds,
你已经做出决定了
you are not deciding.
20秒
20 seconds.
这 我来演示一下
This is– I’ll show you.
含屌♥20秒是个什么状况
This is 20 seconds with a dick in your mouth.
算了
No.
不要了
No.
我还是决定不要吸那根屌♥了
Yeah, I decided not to suck that dick…
不吸这个在我嘴里待了一天的东西
that’s been in my mouth all day.
我不喜欢屌♥ 这就是我不弯的原因
I don’t like dicks. That’s why I’m not gay.
真的是这个原因 我讨厌屌♥
That really is the reason. I hate dicks.
阴♥茎♥对我来说非常恶心
Penises are very disgusting to me.
对我而言 不是批判你们的喜好
To me. I don’t want to yuck your yum.
只是我个人觉得很恶心而已
I just think they’re gross.
我一直很讨厌阴♥茎♥
I always hated penises.
我很讨厌我爸的阴♥茎♥ 真的
I hated my father’s penis. I did.
真的 我很讨厌我爸的屌♥
I did. I hated my father’s penis.
当你还小的时候 有时候会看到你♥爸♥的屌♥
When you’re a little boy, sometimes gonna see your dad’s dick.
如果你去饭店吃饭 就很可能看到你♥爸♥的屌♥
If you go to a restaurant,you’re probably gonna see your dad’s dick.
我应该解释一下 是吧
I should explain that, right?
这样听起来我好像有个奇葩老爸
That sounds like I have a weird father.
“好了 要出门吃饭了 都来看一下屌♥先”
“All right, we’re going out to eat. Everybody take a look.”
不是的 有时候你跟家人一起去饭店
No, sometimes if you go to a restaurant with your family,
到了该尿尿的时候
when it’s time to pee,
要是你是个小男孩 你就得跟你♥爸♥一起去
you go pee with your dad if you’re a little boy.
要是跟你老爸去看球赛 那时候
If you go to a ballgame with your dad, there was
那时候没有小便池 就一个水槽
There were never urinals. It was just a trough.
小孩儿跟大人并排站在那儿
And the little boys and the men stand there together.
大人们高高站在那儿 狂洒
And the men are just standing there…
而我们小孩儿在低处
And we’re down here, the little boys.
那些个屌♥就在视线所及的地方
And the dicks are eye-level.
太恐怖了 撒尿大屌♥
Just horrible, pissing dicks.
左右都是 整齐得跟合唱团一样
In both directions, like a chorus line, just…
我爸的屌♥最垃圾
And my dad had the worst dick.
他长了个最差的屌♥
He had the worst.
因为我爸 首先他是个墨西哥人
Cause my dad First of all, my father’s Mexican.
真的 我爸是墨西哥人 我不是
It’s true. My father is Mexican. I’m not.
我不是墨西哥人 我爸才是
I’m not Mexican. My father is.
不能因为我妈被一个墨西哥佬操了很多年
Just cause some Mexican fucked my mom for years…
就说我是个墨西哥人啊
doesn’t make me a Mexican.
只能说明她是个婊♥子♥
It just makes her a whore.
不过话说回来 我爸呢
But, anyway… my dad
我爸长了一个墨西哥式的 天主教式的
My father had a Mexican, Catholic,
没割包皮的 未加工的 有机的
uncut, raw, organic…
本地的 自♥由♥放养的墨西哥鸡♥巴♥
local, fucking free-range Mexican dick.
太原始了
It was just so basic.
就像是农贸市场卖♥♥的山芋
It was like a farmer’s market yam,
像个酸豆角一样突出
just sticking out like a tamarindo pod.
而且尿起来都是喷射式的
And the pee would spray out of it.
我就说 “老爸 尿之前先把屌♥打开”
I’m like, “Dad, open your dick before you pee out of it.”
你像是从枕套的一角往外尿
It’s like you’re pissing out of the corner of a pillowcase.
而我爸的人生 我爸的人生很奇葩
And my dad’s life is My dad’s had a weird life.
跟他的屌♥一样
Too.
十岁那年 我父母离婚了
When I was ten years old, my parents got divorced,
然后我爸成了一个犹太教♥徒♥
and my dad turned into a Jew.
我是说他改信
I mean, he converted…
犹太教了
to Judaism.
不是说变成个犹太人
He didn’t turn into a Jew.
不是说我爸在月光下变身了
It’s not like my dad was like…
他
He…
他改信犹太教了
converted… to Judaism.
我有一些犹太朋友
And I had friends who were Jewish.
我知道他们有被割去包皮的小鸡♥巴♥ 非常光洁
And I knew that they had little clipped dicks, little little neat…
然后我想起老爸鳄鱼爪子一样的鸡♥巴♥
And then I remembered my father’s alligator claw of a penis.
我真的讨厌鸡♥巴♥
I really hate penises.
这是我成为同性恋的障碍
That’s really my problem with being gay.
这是我不弯的原因 男人没什么问题
That’s why I’m not gay. Men are fine.