路易·C·K 二〇一七（2017）

这种对爱情的期望简直是疯了
That’s insane to expect that.
你能追求的只有一点点
It’s a little thing you get to catch.
然后它就腐烂死亡了 就是这样
And then it rots and dies. That’s just the way it goes.
就像你看见一个人在公园里
It’s like if you see a person in the park
用蘸着肥皂水的棒子吹泡泡
making bubbles with a big wand with soap.
有时候会吹出一个特别大的
And sometimes they make a really big one,
人们会说 “哦 耶 妈的 好吧”
and everybody goes, “Oh, yeah! Shit. Okay.”
就这样
that’s all.
你不会站在旁边说
You don’t stand over it,
“骗子” 你不会生那摊肥皂水的气
“Liar!” You don’t get mad at the soap stain.
会变得很糟糕的 大家伙儿
It gets so shitty, man.
会的
It does.
那些琐事
All the little intricate parts.
比如 最近我在进行一场邮件吵架
Like, I was in an e-mail fight recently.
你们用邮件吵过架没有
You ever been in an e-mail fight?
你们当中现在就有人在邮件吵架
Some of you are in an e-mail fight right now.
邮件吵架 不是短♥信♥吵架
You know, an e-mail fight. Not a text fight.
短♥信♥吵架是像 “去你♥妈♥的♥”
A text fight is like, “Fuck you.”
“去你♥妈♥的♥”
“Yeah, fuck you.”
“混♥蛋♥”
“Dick.”
“王八蛋”
“Asshole.”
这是短♥信♥吵架
That’s a text fight.
邮件吵架是像
An e-mail fight is like,
“当我六月告诉你我有这个问题
“In June when I told you that I had this issue,
你没专心听的样子让我很失望”
I was very disappointed in the way you didn’t listen.”
那些你花一通宵字斟句酌写出来的邮件
You know, those e-mails, you just work on it all night.
像是准备一个谋杀案的结案陈词
Like it’s the closing argument to a murder case.
太重要了 你的傻♥逼♥邮件
It’s so important, your fucking e-mail.
你像贝多芬一样冥思苦想
You’re pounding it out like Beethoven,
你朝自己头上浇水
and you’re pouring water on your head,
都变聋了还要继续鼓捣它
and going deaf and still working on it.
然后你把它寄给某个人
And then you send it somebody.
“你能否读一下然后告诉我我写的是否公平”
“Can you read this and tell me if it’s fair what I wrote?
“从最下面开始”
Start at the bottom.”
然后他们回复 “我做了一些更改”
And they write back, “I made a few changes.”
“谢谢你 那些说到我心里去了 但是”
“Oh, thank you. That really captures my voice. And yet…”
你寄给某个人 他们会说
You send it to somebody else, they’re like:
“是我的话就会去掉’吃屎吧傻♥逼♥’
“I would take out ‘Eat shit, fuck face,’
因为这些词掩盖了你的论点”
because it clouds your better points.”
然后你说 “去你♥妈♥的♥ 我就留着”
And you’re like, “Fuck you, I’m going to keep it.”
最后终于你发出去了
And then finally, you send it.
你就像 “嗯”
And you’re like, “Hmm.”
你感觉特别好 “我终于说出口了 终于”
And then you feel really good. “I finally said it. Finally.”
你会有一种幻想
And you have this fantasy that
就是他们正在家里读邮件
they’re at home reading it right now going…
所有的事都是我的错
I’m wrong about all of the things.
到了那天某个时候他们还没回复
And at some ponit during the day, they haven’t written back yet,
你就知道那是因为你把他们镇住了
and you know it’s ’cause you just bewitched them.
然后你决定 “我要读一读我的邮件
And you decide, “I’m going to read my e-mail.
我要读一读我写的邮件”
I’m going to read the e-mail that I wrote.”
还有更恶心的现代人类行为吗
Is there any more disgusting modern human behavior
比起读你自己已经发出去的邮件
than reading your own already sent e-mails?
有比这种自闻屁♥眼♥的行为更恶心的事儿吗
Is there any more scratching your asshole and smelling your finger than that?
我经常这么做
I do it all the time.
我就是这么做的 在一场邮件吵架中
So, that’s what I did. I was in an e-mail fight.
然后
And…
我看着已发送邮件 那里都是
And I looked in the sent folder, where it’s all–
就像刻在石头里 那已经不能更改了
That’s it. It’s in stone. You can’t change that anymore.
我注意到我不小心留了段话
I realized I left something there by mistake.
不小心在邮件的开始部分留了一段话
I left something at the top of the e-mail by mistake.
“这是我最新的草稿 你觉得怎么样”
And it said, “This is my latest draft. What do you think?”
现在那邮件剩余的部分就一文不值了
So, now the rest of it is just shit.
像一坨屎一样
It’s shit now!
因为她知道我有个编辑和焦点小组
‘Cause she knows I have a writing staff and a focus group.
这他妈的邮件最后应该缀上制♥作♥人员名单
There should be credits at the end of this fucking e-mail.
“已通过母亲和姐妹审核”
Approved by mother and sister.
但爱值得这些 确实是
I don’t know. Love is worth it, though. It really is.
值得 真的
It’s worth it. It is.
我一直都
I mean, I’ve always been–
我一生都在追求爱
I’ve always pursued love my whole life.
当我还是孩子的时候 我爱女孩子 我爱她们
Even when I was a kid, I loved girls. I loved them.
那时候
And there was all–
我12岁的时候 我发现女孩儿是世界上最好的东西
When I was 12, I discovered that girls are the greatest thing.
我会约她们出去
I would ask them out. That’s what I did.
我就走过去然后约她们
I walked up and asked them out.
无所畏惧
I had no fear.
我直接走到喜欢的女孩面前
I’d go up to any girl I liked,
“你想和我约会吗”
“Hey. You want to go out with me?”
她就说”不”
And she was like, “No!”
因为你不该那么做
‘Cause you weren’t supposed to do that.
你不该直接约她出去
You weren’t supposed to ask her out.
有一种体系
There was a system.
我女儿告诉我现在中学里仍然是这样
My daughters told me it still works this way in school.
有这么一个做法 男孩请他的朋友
There’s a thing where the boy asks his friend
去请她的朋友
to ask her friend
去问她
to ask her
她会怎么说
what she would say…
如果他约她出去的话
if he asked her out.
这些小孩儿怎么知道
How do children just know this…
伊丽莎白时代的会客礼仪的
Elizabethan parlor thing?
12岁的男孩
Twelve-year-old boy.
“请咨♥询♥其女伴
“Please inquire after her maiden friend.
若我求见小姐一面
Were I to request her presence…
其答复将如何”
what might be her answer?”
“小姐会很荣幸有阁下的陪伴
“Indeed, my lady would enjoy… your company, sir,
您希望将您的请求转达给小姐吗”
were you to make your desires known.”
“甚好
“That is well.
在下可否指交小姐”
May I finger her?”
“阁下很有胆量
“You are bold, sir.
指交小姐如您所愿”
And finger her, you may.”
“指交小姐义不容辞”
“And finger her, I shall.”
总而言之 我自己从来没干过这些事儿
Anyway, I didn’t do any of that myself.
我总是直接约她们出去
I just would just ask them out.
她们总说不 女孩们总对我说不
They always said no. Girls said no to me.
直到Rachel
Until Rachel.
Rachel是第一个说好的女孩
Rachel was the first girl who said yes.
八年级的时候我约她参加舞会 她说好
I asked her to the dance in eighth grade, and she said yes.
我一生中最幸福的时刻 直到现在都是
Happiest moment of my life, even to now.
再也没有超越过
I never beat it.
总之 Rachel说 “好 我和你去舞会”
Anyway, Rachel said, “Yes, I’ll go to the dance with you.”
于是我们去舞会
So, we went to the dance.
我13岁 那是我第一次和女孩约会
I was 13. It was my first time with a girl.
舞会开始大概五分钟 她过来问我
About five minutes into the dance, she comes to me and she says,
“你介意我和Jeff跳舞吗”
“Do you mind if I dance with Jeff?”
我说 “好吧”
I was like, “Okay.”
13岁的时候我能怎么办
‘Cause what other moves did I have… at 13?
我能说什么 “你介意我和Jeff跳舞吗”
What else are you gonna say? “Do you mind if I dance with Jeff?”
“我介意 我很介意”
“Yeah, I do. I mind very much.
“你♥他♥妈♥认为我们算什么 Rachel”
What the fuck do you think this is, Rachel?
“收拾好你的东西 我们现在就走”
You know what? Get your shit. We’re leaving right now.
“收拾东西 你♥妈♥的♥闭嘴 Rachel 别逼我”
Get your shit, shut the fuck up, Rachel. I swear to God.”
我当时没这些招
I didn’t have any of those tools.
于是我说”好吧” 然后她就和Jeff跳舞
So, I said, “Okay,” And she danced with Jeff.
然后和Jeff搞在一起 然后和Jeff一起离开了
And made out with Jeff and left with Jeff.
就这样
That was it.
我学到了
And I learned–
顺便提一下 这个Jeff 这是件真事儿
By the way that guy Jeff– this is a true story.
这个Jeff
That guy Jeff,
现在变成女人了
he’s a woman now.
事情就是这样
That’s what happened.