路易·C·K 二〇一七（2017）

“你在看着我吗”
“Are you watching over me?”
“是啊 我全看着呢”
“Yes, I’m watching all of it.”
这就像是你看见一对老夫妻
You know like an old– When you see an old couple,
他们结婚60年了
they’ve been married for, like, 60 years?
你知道这种故事吧 每个人都很喜欢
You know that kind of story? Everybody loves that.
那种因为活得长就鼓掌的故事
The kind that people always get applause based on the math of their lives.
“你结婚多久了”
“How long you been married?”
“六十年了”
“Sixty years.”
哇
Aw.
啊呀呀
Aw.
只要时间长 任何事儿都好
Isn’t that automatically wonderful?
你怎么知道的
I mean, how do you know?
你只知道结了多久
You just know how long it’s been.
“60年来 他每天早上都跟我说我是一坨屎”
“For 60 years, every morning, he tells me I’m a piece of shit. ”
我们就当他们是幸福的一对儿 可以吧
Let’s just say this is a happy couple, okay?
他们很相爱 结婚60年了
They love each other. They’ve been married for 60 years.
已经比大部分人想活的时间还长了
That’s longer than most people wanna be alive.
他们在一起那么长时间了
And they’ve been together that long.
现在他们就是一对老夫妻 一起散步
And now they’re just an old couple. And they just walk together.
当你看到两个人
You know when you see two people,
挺有爱的
and it’s kind of lovely.
他们也不需要别人 就只有他们俩
They don’t need anybody else, just the two of them.
就他们两个人 走着散步
This is both of them. They just walk.
他们总在那种没人的地方散步 地上有垃圾
They always walk somewhere, nobody walks there. There’s trash.
还有大卡车
There’s trucks.
他穿一件不是颜色的西装
He’s wearing a suit that is not a color.
她穿一条三角形的裙子 跟小孩画的似的
She’s wearing a dress that’s like a triangle, like a kid drew it.
就他妈一裙子 上面画着水果
It’s just, fucking, a dress with fruit on it.
没人在乎
Nobody cares.
他们每天就这么走
And they just walk every day.
“好冷呀”
“It’s cold. ”
“是啊 好冷啊”
“Yeah, it’s cold. ”
“你想去商店买♥♥个饼干吗”
“You want to go to the store and get a cracker? ”
“好啊 我们去店里买♥♥块儿饼干”
“Yeah, let’s get a cracker at the store. ”
“好啊”
“Yeah.”
然后有一天 一般是男的先死了
And then one day, usually he dies first.
他们走着走着 然后男的就
They’re walking, and he goes…
然后女的说 “Richard”
And she says, “Richard!”
“Richard”
“Richard!”
然后男的死了
And he dies.
就剩女的一个人了
So, now it’s just her.
就剩下Rose了
Just Rose.
她自己一个人
And she’s alone.
她每天就站在他们的房♥子里
And now she just stands in their house.
有时候有人去找Rose 因为要她参加婚礼
Once a while somebody goes to get Rose ’cause there’s a wedding.
“走吧 Rose Nadine要结婚了
“Come on, Rose. Nadine’s getting married.
Nadine 无所谓了 快他妈走吧
Nadine– It doesn’t matter, just fucking come on.
快走啊 他妈的 走吧
Come on. Fucking come on.
他妈的”
Fuck!”
简直想从后面推她
Just want to push her from beh–
女的又活了十年
She lives ten more years.
Richard死之后活了十年
Ten years after Richard dies.
十年之后 她躺在病床上
And then ten years later, now she’s laying in a bed.
快要死了
She’s dying.
有人陪着她 在那儿玩儿手♥机♥
Somebody’s there with her, on their phone.
Rose快死了 她说
So, Rose is dying, and she says:
“至少现在我可以和我的Richard永远在一起了”
“Well, at least now I get to be with my Richard… forever.”
她这想法哪儿来的
Where did she get that idea?
到底怎么想出来的
Where did that come from?
我查过了
I’ve looked it up.
没有任何宗教说过 你死之后
No religion teaches that when you die,
就可以去毁掉你伴侣的天堂生活
you get to ruin heaven for your dead spouse.
这怎么公平
Why is that fair?
谁会
Who gets–
Richard都死了十年了
Richard’s been dead for ten years.
他已经在天堂待了十年了
He’s been in heaven for ten years.
然后有人过来跟他说 “你老婆要来了”
And somebody comes up to him, “Hey, your wife is coming.”
“啥
“What?
不好意思 你刚才过来跟我说什么”
Excuse me. What did you just walk up and say to me just now?”
“对 Rose刚刚死了 大概20分钟之后就到
“Yeah, Rose just died. She’ll be here in about 20 minutes.
他们给她洗个澡然后把翅膀装上就行了
They’ve just got to hose her down and tape the wings on.
然后你们就可以永远在一起了”
And then you’re gonna be together forever.”
“等会儿 我♥操♥
“Wait a minute. Fuck.
你说过这儿可是天堂 这什么
You said this was heaven. Why is this–
我已经有女朋友了 我他妈不想”
I have a girlfriend here now. I don’t wanna fucking–”
“她可是你生命的挚爱啊”
“She’s the love of your life.”
“但她不是我死后的爱啊 混♥蛋♥”
“She’s not the love of my death, motherfucker.”
这就是婚姻 婚姻可是大事
That’s marriage. Marriage is a big deal.
婚姻是大事
Marriage is a big deal.
某天我去参加一个婚礼 一个同性婚礼
I went to a wedding the other day. I went to a gay wedding.
我曾经参加过很多同性婚礼 但这不是真话
I’ve been to a lot of gay weddings, which is not true.
一点都不是 但我确实参加过一次
It’s not true at all. But… I did go to one.
我一般不参加婚礼
But I don’t go to weddings, generally,
因为我不喜欢婚礼 我恨婚礼
because I don’t like them. I hate it.
别邀请我 真的
Don’t invite me. Really.
我认为邀请别人参加你的婚礼是很过分的
I think it’s rude to invite people to your wedding. I really do.
没人乐意参加那种狗屁
Nobody’s happy to get that shit.
你把请帖弄得很漂亮
You make it all pretty.
他们收到就像这样 “操 他妈的不是吧”
And they’re like, “Aw, fuck! This is gonna suck!”
“这些是可以住宿的地方”
“Here’s a helpful list of places to stay–”
“太好了 我能住在拉昆塔酒店
“Oh, great. I get to live in a La Quinta…
在宾夕法尼亚州雷丁市
in Reading, Pennsylvania
住上三天
for three days…
就因为你要结个一两年的婚”
because you want to get married for a couple of years.”
没人想要看你悲惨生活的开始
Nobody wants to watch you start your shitty thing.
没人想看
Nobody wants to see it.
每人都过着悲惨生活
Everybody’s in a shitty thing.
和人过日子就是这样
That’s what it is to be with somebody.
你要么单身 要么过着悲惨生活
You’re either alone, or you’re in a shitty thing.
这包括了百分之百的人类
That covers 100% of human beings.
我能看见有年轻的伴侣们
I can see there’s young couples here.
你们像是说 “不 我们生活幸福”
You’re like, “No, we’re in a good one…
“真的挺好”
It’s really good.”
去你的 你以为你是谁啊
Yeah, fuck you. Who do you think you are?
只是还没变糟糕而已
It just didn’t get shitty yet.
真是自大 “我想我们找到了幸福的诀窍”
So arrogant.” “Yeah, I think we figured it out.”
不 好吧 你们是史上第一对儿
No– Yeah, you’re the first ones.
当然会变得糟糕 这是婚姻的一部分
Of course it’s going to get shitty. That’s part of it.
就像去看一部恐怖电影
It’s like going to a horror movie,
刚开始的时候 你觉得
and in the first minute, you’re like,
“我觉得他们会没事的”
“I think they’re all gonna be fine.”
不 他们全都会死
No, they’re all gonna die.
你也会恨你现在爱的人
And you’re gonna hate the person you love right now.
就是这样
That’s the way it works.
爱加上时间减去距离等于恨
Love plus time minus distance equals hate.
就是这样的
That’s just the way it goes.
我不是说别结婚 你应该结婚
I’m not saying don’t do it. You should do it.
那是最好的东西 爱是生命中最棒的部分
It’s the best thing. It’s the best part of life, love is.
但别贪婪地期望它会持续
But don’t be greedy and expect it to last.
不要惊讶一只蝴蝶会死
Don’t be amazed that a butterfly died
以为你朝它脸上开了一枪
’cause you shot it in the face.
坠入爱河吧 弄个一团糟
Just fall in love, make a fucking mess.
它会变得很糟糕 当你发现时已经太晚了
It goes shitty, you don’t realize it until too late.
然后你大哭一场继续前进 这是生命最棒的部分
And then you cry a lot and move on. It’s the best part of life.
确实是 我一直爱”爱”
It is. I’ve always loved love.
生命中我最喜欢的部分
It’s always been my favorite part of life
就是见到某个人然后 “噢 妈的”
is meeting somebody and going, “Oh, shit!
“就是这人” 那是最好的感觉
That person!” That’s the best feeling.
他妈的怎么会 “哦 耶
Now, why the fuck would that just, “Oh, yeah!
一年又一年 我们一辈子 都 喔 耶”
For years, for our whole lives, just, aw, yeah!”