路易·C·K 二〇一七（2017）

比去公立学校教书更高尚
than to teach in a public school.
但是在这个国家 干这个活儿的 都他妈是屌♥丝
And in this country, the people that do that, they’re fucking losers.
都是他妈最底层的屌♥丝
They’re just rock-bottom fucking losers!
而且所有人都知道 但是大家还继续干
And everybody knows it, but they keep doing it.
每天都有新老师
New people are teaching every day,
他们一开始就知道这有多糟糕
knowing how shitty it is.
有人一开始就告诉他们了
They show up, they tell them ahead of time.
“您好 这是份什么工作”
“Hi, what is this job?”
他们说 “这是我们需要你做的
And they say, “Okay, here’s what we need you to do.
我们需要你让孩子知道什么是数学”
We need you to make children know math.”
哇噢
Wow.
“他们想学数学吗”
“Do they wanna know math?”
“不 他们不想
“No, they don’t want to know it.
你必须要逼着他们学
You need to make them know it against their will.
在他们性♥欲♥膨胀
While they’re exploding sexually
而且互相往死里打的阶段”
and beating the shit out of each other.”
“这是些什么孩子”
“Who are these children?”
“就是住在这附近的孩子”
“Just whatever kids live near the building.”
“我能拿多少钱”
“How much do I get paid?”
“4年差不多10刀”
“About $10 every four years.”
“要是我教得特别好呢 会怎么样”
“What if I get really good at it? What happens?”
“不怎么样 什么都不变
“Nothing. Nothing happens.
没人会注意到 然后炒你鱿鱼 你一个人孤独死去”
Nobody notices, and you get fired, and you die alone.”
“好吧 那我先试个25年”
“Okay, I’ll try it for 25 years.”
我女儿正在学希腊神话
My daughter is learning about Greek mythology.
她会问我一些问题
And she’s asking me questions about it.
她会问 “爸爸 阿喀琉斯的妈妈是谁”
She’s like, “Daddy, who’s Achilles’ mother?”
我说 “我他妈哪儿知道 别他妈问我”
I said, “I don’t fucking know. Don’t ask me that shit.”
我不知道阿喀琉斯的妈是谁
I don’t know who Achilles’ mother is.
你们要是知道也别喊出来
Don’t yell it out if you know it, please.
“是Campampetes” 没人在乎你知道什么
“It’s Campampetes.” Nobody cares what you know.
她有一个关于阿喀琉斯的问题 挺有意思的
She had a question about Achilles, it was an interesting question.
我之后跟你讲 先简单说一下阿喀琉斯的故事
I’ll tell it to you. But first, the story of Achilles, real quick.
阿喀琉斯还是个婴儿的时候
Achilles was a baby.
他是个希腊婴儿
He was a Greek baby.
他后来长大了
And… he didn’t stay that way.
但当他是一个希腊婴儿的时候
But when he was… a Greek baby.
他妈妈 一个女神 带他去了冥河
His mother, who was a goddess, took him to the River Styx,
在哈迪斯 就是冥界
which is at Hades, the land of the dead.
她把他浸进冥河水里
And she dipped him in the water of the River Styx
因为那河水有魔力
because there was a magical quality to that water
可以让人抵抗任何外力攻击
that you would make you impervious of any harm.
再也不会受伤
You couldn’t be hurt.
就像盔甲一样
It was like a shield, right?
她就把儿子浸泡在河水里来保护他
So, she dipped him in that water to protect him.
但是她提着他的脚后跟
But she held him by the heel.
这是个重要的细节
That’s the important detail.
提着他的脚后跟 这抓孩子的姿势也是很尴尬
Held him by the heel, which is an awkward way to hold a baby.
抓脚后跟
By the heel.
你试试抓着婴儿脚后跟 然后把他浸河里
Try holding a baby by the heel and dipping it in a river.
你这辈子都不会再见到他了
You will never see that baby again.
这是要除掉婴儿的姿势
That’s how to get rid of a baby.
“我把宝宝掉河里了
“I lost the baby in the water.
当时我想给他洗澡 然后他就掉河里了
I was trying to wash him, and he fell in the river.
我错了 阿喀琉斯女士 我把你孩子搞丢了
I’m sorry, Miss Achilles, I lost your baby.
是你让我抓他脚后跟的
You told me to hold him by the heel.
他滑下去了”
He slipped.”
阿喀琉斯的妈请了个墨西哥保姆
Because Achilles’ mother has a Mexican nanny.
这个角色在<伊利亚特>里不是很出名
It’s a lesser-known character in The Iliad.
总之
Anyway…
他妈妈 她倒是握住了
his mother, she was able to hold on,
当然了 因为她是女神嘛
of course, because she was a goddess.
她估计是握力之神一类的 我也不清楚
She was the goddess of grip or whatever, I don’t know.
她就是握住了
And she held on.
然后她儿子就被保护了 除了他的脚后跟
And then he was protected, except on his heel.
他的脚后跟没受到保护
His heel was not protected.
这就是阿喀琉斯之踵的来历
And so that’s what we call your Achilles heel,
意思就是你的软肋
your one vulnerable place.
每个人都有阿喀琉斯之踵
Everybody’s got their Achilles heel.
阿喀琉斯的阿喀琉斯之踵就是他的踵
Achilles’ Achilles heel was his heel.
真就那个意思
Like, literally.
接着说我女儿的问题
Anyway, so, my daughter, here was her question.
她说 “为什么他妈妈不再浸他一次呢
She said, “How come his mother didn’t just dip him again?
她可以再多浸他一次
She could have just dipped him one more time…
把那只脚也浸了”
with the other leg in there.”
她当时怎么了吗 就在河边啊
What does she just, like, get– You’re right there.
是有牌子写着”每名女神限浸一次”吗
Was there, like, a sign that says, “One dip per goddess”?
你没涂过复活节彩蛋吗 一点都不复杂啊
You ever color an Easter egg? It’s not that complicated.
你这边蘸一下 然后拿着另一边再蘸一下
You dip it, and then you hold it differently and dip it again.
很机智 我为她骄傲
Smart kid. I was proud of her.
但是同时 我也在想
But at the same time, I thought,
“你♥他♥妈♥是谁在这儿评价这个女人”
“Who the fuck are you to judge this woman?”
这很困扰我
It bothered me.
阿喀琉斯的故事教给我的是这个
‘Cause here’s what the story of Achilles teaches me,
就是说 如果你为人父母
is that, if you’re a parent,
你为了这些混♥蛋♥们做什么都不够
it’s never enough what you do for these motherfuckers.
永远都不够
It’s just never enough.
到头来还是你的错
It’s still gonna be your fault.
你还想从一个妈妈那里要什么
How much more do you want from a mother?
她已经把她孩子全身99%都浸在神水里了
She dipped her kid in magic water and protected 99% of his body.
这孩子又做了些什么
Is any of it up to him?
他穿个大鞋然后注意一点就好了
He could have just wore a big shoe and be careful.
但他非穿凉鞋 穿他妈的人字拖
But he goes out in sandals, fucking flip flops.
然后还拿把剑跟全世界打仗
And a sword, and fights the whole planet.
“我是阿喀琉斯 因为我妈浸过我”
“I’m Achilles ’cause my mother dipped me.”
终于有人弄伤他脚后跟了 他就在那儿喊
Finally, somebody got him in the heel, and he’s like,
“妈
“Mom!
真谢谢啊 妈”
Thanks a lot, Mom.”
“怎么了 阿喀琉斯”
“What’s wrong, Achilles?”
“我妈没浸我脚后跟
“My mom didn’t dip my heel.
她怎么这么蠢 全被她搞砸了”
She’s so stupid. She ruined it.”
去你♥妈♥的♥ 阿喀琉斯 你个希腊傻♥逼♥
Fuck you, Achilles, you Greek dick.
我特别讨厌别人谈论母亲的方式
I hate the way people talk about their mothers.
之前看一个橄榄球比赛
I was watching a football game one time,
有个人好像是得了好多分什么的
and this guy scored a bunch of shit, whatever,
他们特别激动
and they were excited.
然后那些记者之后就采访他
So, they asked him about it afterwards.
这个球员就说 “我妈去年去世了
And the football player said, “My mom died last year,
但我知道她今晚就在天堂看我比赛”
but I know she was watching my game from heaven tonight.”
然后我就想当着他面儿说 “放过你妈妈吧
And I wanted to be there to say, “Leave your mother alone.
谁给你的胆子
How dare you.
她都死了”
She’s dead.”
到底他妈什么时候才能不用管你的孩子
I mean, when are you done with your fucking kids?
到底他妈什么时候才不用照顾他们
When are you finished with your fucking kids?
就连你死之后
Even after you’re dead,
你还要去看他们的狗屁比赛什么的
you still have to go to their fucking games and shit?
放过你妈妈吧
Leave your mother alone.
她任务完成了 她把你养大 已经要她命了
She did her job. She raised you, and it killed her.
让她好好享受天堂 你难道不想让她享受吗
I mean let her enjoy heaven, don’t you want your mother to enjoy heaven?
这不是你想要的吗
Isn’t that what you want?
你妈妈在天堂过得很嗨 耶
Your mom to be just in heaven. Whee!
这个可怜的女人 天使们对她说
This poor woman. Angels were like,
“我们要搞个天使趴 你来不来”
“We’re having an angle’s party. You want to come with us?”
“去不了 我要看我儿子比赛
“I can’t. I got to watch my son’s game.
要不他该伤心了
He’ll be very upset.
干得漂 他又听不见我说话 我他妈是图什么”
Okay, go– He can’t fucking hear me. Why am I doing this?”
我觉得人死了 他们的任务就完成了
I just think when people die, it means they did their jobs.
你就该忘了他们
And you should forget them.
我是这么觉得的
That’s what I think.
因为我们这么要求死人不公平
‘Cause it’s unfair what we put on dead people.