我女儿问 “我应该摸她吗”
She’s like, “Should I pet her?”
“我觉得你永远都不应该摸这只狗 宝贝”
“I don’t think you should ever pet our dog, honey.”
我把狗带去看兽医 想问问兽医该怎么办
I took her to the vet. I took the dog to ask her what to do.
兽医说 “听着 我觉得你得
The vet said, “Listen, I think there’s something
慎重考虑下一些事了”
you should seriously consider.”
我心里想 “拜托你说这只狗得安乐死吧
I was like, “Please be saying to kill this dog.
做好你兽医的工作 说这只狗现在就得死”
Please be a doctor that says the dog dies now.”
但她并没有 她说
But she didn’t. She said–
她说 “我觉得你应该考虑一下百忧解
She said, “I think you should consider Prozac…
给狗吃的”
for the dog.”
我说 “真的吗”
I was like, “Really?”
她说 “真的 很有效 很快就会让狗平静下来
She said, “Yeah, it works. It calms the dog right down.
但这是个重大决定 你应该好好斟酌一下”
But it’s a big decision, and you should think about it.”
我说 “现在就往她菊花里放四颗
I said, “Put four in her asshole right now.
我有什么好斟酌的
What do I have to think about?
我他妈才不在乎她怎么着呢
I don’t give a shit what she’s experiencing.
赶紧他妈的治好她
Fucking fix it.
给她海♥洛♥因♥ 直接注射”
Give her heroin. Shoot her up.”
“过来 狗狗”
“Come on, puppy.”
“哇 你的狗真淡定啊”
“Wow, your dog is really chill.”
“是啊
“Yeah.
每天只花400美元就能让她保持这样”
It only costs $400 a day to keep her like that.”
我不是一直这样的 我以前很喜欢动物的
I didn’t always feel this way. I used to love animals.
我过去也很为动物忧心的
I used to worry about animals.
就是动物
Just animals.
我20岁的时候 “世界上所有的狗狗都还好吗
When I was like 20, “Are all the doggies okay everywhere?
我当然希望它们都好”
I certainly hope so.”
但我现在49了 还有俩个孩子
But I’m 49, and I got two kids now.
你猜怎么着 你的关怀范围变小了
You know what happens? Your circle of concern tightens.
我有四个侄子 一个我都不待见
I have four nephews. I don’t love any of them.
去他妈的狗
Fuck a dog.
你知道那些广♥告♥
You know those ads,
电视上关于虐待动物的公益广♥告♥
like the PSA on television about abused animals?
他们给你展示空了个眼眶的小狗 小狗就像这样
They show you a dog with, like, an empty socket, and he’s like…
而且那些狗总是湿漉漉的
And they’re always wet.
我觉得他们拍广♥告♥之前拿水管浇过那些狗
I feel like they hose them down before they film them.
然后画外音来了 “看看这些狗
And the voice comes on, “Look at these dogs.
这些狗每天都被殴打
These dogs are beaten every day.
请给我们寄钱来阻止这种暴行”
Please send us money so that this can stop.”
是你们在殴打这些狗吗
Are you beating up the dogs?
不然我的钱怎么能解决这事儿
How’s my money fixing that?
你们看过那个悲伤男人的公益广♥告♥吗
You see that PSA where they show you a sad man?
他非常痛苦 非常悲伤
He’s very upset, a very sad man.
他举着一小条标语 上面写着 “行啊 没问题”
He’s holding a little sign, and it says, “Yeah, sure.”
然后他说 “就是这条短♥信♥害死了我的女儿”
And he says, “This is the text that killed my daughter.”
因为某个人发了条短♥信♥ “行啊 没问题”
‘Cause somebody texted, “Yeah, sure,”
然后就撞死了他的女儿 这事儿太可怕了
And ran over his kid, which is awful.
但是说不定他们是在回复一条短♥信♥
Although maybe they were responding to a text
短♥信♥内容是 “你们能杀了那个孩子吗”
that said, “Can you please kill that kid?”
然后 他们就
And so, they just…
回了短♥信♥然后把事儿办了
wrote back and did it.
我没说这么想会让这事儿变好
I’m not saying that makes it better.
我只是说 我们了解的信息不全面
I’m just saying we don’t have all the information.
有一天 我跟孩子们在一起吃早餐
My kids and I were having breakfast the other day,
我们在听NPR(国家公共电台)
and we’re listening to NPR.
我们总是听NPR 因为我们比你们吊
We always listen to NPR, because we’re better than you.
然后
And…
有天早上我们边吃早饭边听NPR
We’re listening to NPR at breakfast the other morning.
其中有个报道一直出现这个词
And there’s this one story where they kept using this phrase
他们一直说 “911 否认者们”
They kept saying, “9/11 deniers.”
他们一直说这句话
They kept saying that.
“911 否认者们”
“9/11 deniers.”
然后我女儿就问了 “这什么意思啊”
And my daughter was like, “What is that?”
我说 “这个么 他们是一群
I said, “Well, it’s a group of people
认为911事件是个阴谋的人”
that think September 11th was a conspiracy.”
然后她说 “哦 我还以为他们说的是9个11否认者呢”
And she said, “Oh, I thought they were saying nine 11-deniers.”
她以为广播上说的是
Yeah, she thought they meant
9个不相信11的人
nine people who just ain’t buying this 11 bullshit.
只是一小撮边缘人群 真的 毕竟只有9个人
Just a small fringe group, really. There’s only nine of them.
但他们还是上了NPR
But they still got on NPR.
他们上了广播 因为他们百折不挠
They got on the radio because… they’re dedicated.
他们每天都抗♥议♥
They protest every day.
他们是9个11否认者
They’re the nine 11-deniers.
他们在白宫外面抗♥议♥ “应该是 10 12 13
They’re outside of the White House, “It goes, 10, 12, 13!
我跟我的8个小伙伴早就知道了
Me and my eight friends know it!
我们是那9个11否认者
We are the nine 11-deniers.
我们知道11是一个狗屁数字
We know that 11 is a bullshit number…
是政♥府♥编造出来的
propagated on the people by the man.
为什么我们有11这个数字
Why do we have 11?
我们有13
When we have 13,
有14跟15
and 14 and 15…
有16 17
and 16, 17,
还有他妈的18跟19(均为teen结尾)
motherfucking 18, and 19,
但就是没有”1teen”
but we do not have a one-teen.
“1teen”去哪儿了
What happened to one-teen?
政♥府♥带走了”1teen”
The government took one-teen,
然后用狗屁不通的11(eleven)代替了它
and replaced it with some bullshit called 11.
我们是抵♥制♥这个狗屁数字的九人众
We are the nine that deny that shit.
总统先生 把”1teen”还给我们
Mr. President, give us back one-teen!”
我不是想用这个口音冒犯中国人
I don’t mean to offend any Chinese people with this stereotype.
但是
But–
“没错 我就是中国人 傻♥逼♥们
“That’s right, I’m Chinese, motherfuckers.
我老家北♥京♥的
I’m from Beijing.
在上海住过
I lived in Shanghai.
老子他妈比谁都中国
I’m Chinese-er than a motherfucker.
用筷子什么的
Chopsticks and whatnot.”
哈”
Ha!”
好了好了
All right.
对不起
I’m sorry.
问题是
Here’s the thing…
刻板印象很伤人
stereotypes are harmful.
这是真的 但是模仿口音很搞笑
That’s the truth. But the voices are funny.
我不知道该怎么调解这两个现实
And I don’t know how to reconcile those two facts.
我很喜欢模仿口音
I enjoy doing the voices.
但是这样很冒犯人 所以我只在家里学
But they’re offensive. So, I do them at home.
我孩子小的时候我经常学给她们听
I used to do them for my kids when they are little.
她们很喜欢 她们不知道这口音跟种族歧视有关
They liked them, they didn’t know it was a race thing.
她们就是单纯喜欢 “爸爸 学那个友善的人”
They just enjoyed it. “Daddy, do the friendly man.”
“你想让我学那个友善的人吗 小姑娘”
“You want me to be the friendly man, little girl?”
“我们可喜欢友善的人了”
“We love the friendly man.”
“他也喜欢白人小女孩哟
“He loves little white girls, too.
咱们弄点炒蛋吃吧”
Let’s have some scrambled eggs.”
她们长大之后 我跟她们说
And then they grew up, and I was like,
“别在学校里说友善的人的事儿
“Don’t talk about the friendly man at school.
不用跟你们老师讲”
Maybe don’t talk to your teachers about that.”
我孩子在纽约上公立学校
My kids go to public school in New York City.
然后 嗯 得了
And, yeah, all right.
让你孩子也去啊
Send your kids there then.
其实挺好的 挺不错的
Yeah, it’s good. It’s good.
教教他们现实生活到底是什么样的
To teach them that that’s what life is like.
这些老师让我很惊讶 我也说不好 最糟糕的
The teachers amaze me because– I don’t know, this the worst–
这个国家最让我觉得糟糕的就是
Here’s the worst thing about this country to me,
没有比公立学校教师更高尚的职业了
is that there’s no more noble profession than to be a public school teacher.
显而易见
It’s easily
别别 先别鼓掌了
Please. Please, don’t.
你们不会喜欢的
You’re not gonna like it.
我接下来说的你们不会喜欢的
You’re not gonna like where it’s going.
我不建议给任何事情鼓掌
I don’t recommend clapping at any things.
到最后你们都会后悔
You’ll regret it at the end of the thing.
在一个民♥主♥国家 没有任何一种付出
In a democracy, there’s no more noble contribution you can make
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