路易·C·K 二〇一七（2017）

今年是哪一年 有人回答吗 这位先生 大声喊出来吧
What year is it? Anybody? Sir, just yell out the year.
谢谢 20 2016
Thank you. 20– 2016?
不对 是20 没错
No, it’s 20– That’s right.
是2017 这个2017是什么
It’s 2017. What is that?
是个数字
That’s a number.
但为什么是这个数字
It’s not just any number.
它一定是个很重要的数字
It must be a very important number.
因为我们全人类都在用这个数字
‘Cause we’re counting to it in unison as a species.
几千年以来 我们一直在数
For thousands of years, we’ve been going:
“1 2 3
“One, two, three–
加油 同志们 4
Come on, everybody, four–
现在 跟上来 非洲 5 6″
Now, come on, Africa, five, six…”
这个数字到底是什么
What is this number?
我们是从哪一天开始算的
We’re counting the days since what?
从人类出现开始吗
Since there was ever people?
还是从太阳做了点什么之后开始的
Or since the sun did something?
都不是啊
Not at all.
2017个年头是从什么时候开始算的
It’s been 2017 years since what?
有人知道吗 喊出来
Anybody, yell it out.
基♥督♥
Christ!
没错 基♥督♥
Yes. Christ!
基♥督♥
Christ!
对的
That’s right.
从基♥督♥诞生到现在有2017个年头了
It’s been 2017 years since Christ!
耶稣
Jesus.
我们是从耶稣诞生起开始算的
We are counting the days since Jesus.
所有人一起
Together.
你是基♥督♥教♥徒♥的话这么算还说得过去
Which makes sense if you’re Christian.
但是我们这些不是基♥督♥教♥徒♥在他妈算什么
But what the fuck are the rest of us doing?
“耶稣在这里 耶稣在这里 耶稣在这里”
“Jesus was here. Jesus was here. Jesus was here.”
所有人 科学家们 历史学家们
Everybody. Scientists, historians.
“耶稣
“Jesus.
耶稣”
Jesus.”
“耶稣加2年 耶稣加3年 耶稣加4年”
“Jesus plus two, Jesus plus three, Jesus plus four.”
耶稣加2017年4个月零3天
Jesus plus 2017 years, four months and three days
就是你牌照到期的时候
is when your license expires.
这难道不是基♥督♥教♥徒♥的胜利吗
How is that not a win for the Christians?
这难道不是一场完胜吗
How is that not a complete win?
这可不是什么十月份的周一假
That’s not a Monday off in October.
这是”直到耶稣诞生 才有了时间”
That’s “there was no time, before Jesus”.
然后世界人♥民♥说 “好吧
And the whole world went, “Okay.
没问题”
Sure.”
然后就有人问了 “那耶稣之前的时间怎么办
Then somebody was like, “What about the years before him?
那可还有好几十亿年呢 我是说 无限多年”
There were billions. I mean, infinity.”
“那些年倒着算”
“Those go backwards.”
“你想让我们把人类的大部分历史倒着算”
“You want us to measure most of history backwards?
就为了迁就一个宗教吗”
To accommodate one religion?”
嗯哼
Uh-huh.
“好 那就倒着算吧 没啥大不了的 我们会照办”
“All right, we’ll do it, it’s fine. We’ll do it.”
你们见过世界各地的跨年夜是什么样儿的吗
The whole world. You ever watch New Year’s Eve around the world?
他们总是给你展示
They always show you how
各个国家是怎么庆祝的 挺酷炫的
every country celebrates. It’s kind of cool.
第一个庆祝的是一个小岛
The first is one little island.
这是第一个
It’s the first place
迎来新年的地方
that’s actually the place that it’s the year.
是太平洋上的一个小岛 名字我忘记了
It’s a little island in the Pacific. I forget what it’s called.
每个跨年夜岛上居民都会举办个小庆典
They do a little ceremony for New Year’s Eve every year.
他们拿草当衣服
And they just wear grass.
因为他们甚至连木棍儿都还没有
‘Cause they don’t even have sticks yet.
他们还处在”草本纪”
They’re in the grass age.
他们没有钟表
They have no clocks.
但他们会跳舞庆祝
But they do a dance.
“2017”
“2017.”
然后传遍世界 “哦 2017年到了”
And it goes around the world, “Oh, the 2017.”
“所有基♥督♥徒的死期就在2017年”
“Death to all Christians in 2017.”
犹太人悄悄地自数年份
The Jews are quietly keeping track.
其实应该是5766年
It’s really 5,766.
但只是对我们来说 只是对我们
But that’s for us. We’re just– –
没关系
That’s okay.
我们就数着
We’re keeping track for
等着你们清醒过来 没事的 我会
when you snap out of it. It’s all right. I’ll–
我会在支票上写你们的年份 我可不想惹麻烦
I’ll write yours on my check. I don’t want a problem.
那中国新年怎么办
What about Chinese New Year?
是啊 中国新年怎么办
Yeah, what about Chinese New Year?
那好 下次你报税的时候
All right, next time you’re doing your taxes,
直接在写年份的地方写个”猴”好了
just write “Monkey” where the year goes.
就写个猴
Just put monkey.
看看你们的钱会出什么事儿
See what happens to your funds.
不行 这是我主耶稣诞生起
No. It’s 2017, year of our Lord…
定下来的2017年
Jesus o’clock on the nose.
最神奇的是这个年份是他们编出来的
And they made it up, that’s the weirdest part.
他们把已经度过的年份重新命名了一下
They got to rename years that had already taken place.
因为那些年份根本不是像现在这么算的
‘Cause, you know, that’s not what those years were.
你们都知道的 是吧 第三年
You know that, right? That the year three…
指的不是第三年的
wasn’t the year three…
那个三年
during the year three.
以前没有人说
Nobody was walking around back then,
“今年是哪年啊” “第三年”
“Hey, what year is it?” “It’s three.”
“是吗 但我都28岁了啊
“Yeah, but I’m 28.
我怎么可能28岁
How can I be 28…
如果只过了三年的话”
if there’s only been three?”
“噢 是这样的 你是在公元前24年出生的
“Oh, well, see, you were born in BC 24.
然后是公元元年 还记得之前那些是倒着算的吗
And there’s a zero. Remember it went backwards?
哎我去 真难算 我恨那些年”
Oh, shit. That was stressful. I hated those years.”
那会是啥样啊
What was that like?
“今年是哪一年” “第十年”
“What year is it?” “Ten.”
“今年是哪年啊” “第九年”
“What year is it now?” “Nine.”
这他妈是什么情况
What the fuck is gonna happen?!
所以 我不知道该怎么跟我孩子说了
So, I don’t know what to tell my kids.
我的孩子们想要一只狗 所以我给她们弄了一只狗
My kids, they wanted a dog. So, I got them a dog.
我今年给她们弄了只狗 真是个大失误
I got them a dog this year. Which was a mistake.
不应该把狗带回来的
I shouldn’t have gotten the dog.
因为一开始我们从救助站救了一只狗
Because at first we rescued a dog.
我们弄了只 我们领养了
We got a– we adopt–
是的 你必须救 是的 养狗就养救助犬
Yes, you must re– yes, always rescue.
如果你要养狗 就从救助站救一只
If you get a dog, get a rescue dog.
千万别从
Don’t get a puppy…
那些糟糕的人手里买♥♥幼犬
from those horrible people
那些细心育狗的专业人士
who professionally raise dogs carefully.
千万别
No.
你必须得领养一只神秘之犬
You need to just get a mystery dog…
一条在波多黎各街头
that’s been beaten and abused
被殴打虐待 有精神创伤的狗
and traumatized on the streets of Puerto Rico.
也没法儿问救助站的人
And can’t talk about it to anyone now.
他们什么都不知道
They never know.
“你知道这只狗的情况吗”
“Do you know anything about the dog?”
“呃 她害怕硬币
“Uh, she’s afraid of pennies.
所以 我们觉得或许有人
So, we think maybe somebody’s been
曾经往她脸上砸硬币
throwing handfuls of pennies at her face.
别的我就不知道了”
But, otherwise, no.”
所以你领养了这只神秘狗
So, you take this random dog
把它带回家 跟你家人相处
and just put it in your house with your family,
然后看着它们暴露本性
and watch their personality unfold.
这只狗简直是个疯子
This dog is insane.
我走进厨房♥
I’ll walk into the kitchen,
然后这只狗就一直这样
and the dog is just standing there alone like this…
我说 “你没事儿吧
I’m like, “You all right?
你 没 事 儿 吧”
Are you all right?”
我的孩子们都害怕这只狗
My kids are terrified of the dog.
我女儿去摸这只狗 它就这样
My daughter goes to pet the dog, dog goes like…