路易·C·K 二〇一七（2017）

是什么动力支撑着他不去自杀
What is keeping him from stopping being that?
到底怎样他才会自杀
And what would it take?
怎样才行
What would it take?
怎样才行
What would it take?
两边窗户都挂着垃圾袋儿吗 是不是
Both windows are garbage bags? Is that…?
说真的 你知道那个当窗户使的垃圾袋中
Seriously, do you know how much misery is involved
包含了多少苦逼吗
in a garbage bag for a window?
你知道有多少碎片一样的苦逼时刻吗
Do you know how many separate moments of shit misery?
“他们取消了我的保险 我的车窗还碎了
“They canceled my insurance. I broke my window.
用胶带糊上吧”
Duct tape.”
事实是 逃避解决不了问题
Here’s the truth. Running away will not solve your problems.
说得完全正确
That’s totally true.
但是自杀可以解决你的所有问题
But killing yourself solves all your problems.
真的可以解决
It actually does.
它甚至可以解决全球性问题
It even solves world’s problems.
至少对你来说
For you.
“嘿 ISIS怎么办”
“Hey, what about ISIS?”
“自杀吧
“Kill yourself.
这样他们就找不到你麻烦了”
Then they’ll never get you.”
说真的 如果每个害怕ISIS的人
Seriously, if everybody who’s afraid of ISIS
现在全部自杀
kills themselves right now,
那ISIS就输啦
then ISIS loses.
因为剩下的人根本就不在乎
Because they live in a world of people that don’t give a shit.
“我们要把他的头砍下来了”
“We’re gonna cut his head off!”
“可以 随便你”
“Yeah, okay.”
“这样就没意思了”
“It’s not fun now.”
我认为被砍头最糟糕的地方
I think the worst part of being beheaded…
如果
If…
被砍头最糟糕的就是
The worst thing about being beheaded
被砍了之后你看起来蠢死了
is that you look really dumb right after.
这就是最糟糕的地方
That’s the worst part.
他们拎着你的脑袋 你看起来就像 “啊”
They go like that, and you’re like: “Duh.”
像他妈的嗑药了一样
Just that fucking dopey…
我认为他们不喜欢
I don’t think they like
砍秃顶的人 因为不能这样拎着
beheading bald people ’cause they can’t do this…
这是最精华的部分
That’s the best part.
他们只能这么捧着
They got to go like this.
这样就没那么酷了
It’s not as cool.
所以 只要把你脑顶的头发剃干净
So, just shave the top of your head,
你就不用担心了
and you won’t have to worry about it.
所以 这就是第一个原因
So, that’s the first reason.
这就是第一个原因
That’s the first reason
我认为女人为什么有权利杀死婴儿
I think women should be allowed to kill babies.
因为生命没那么重要
‘Cause life is not so important.
第二个原因 这就是女人该做的事儿
The second reason is because that’s their job.
女人得去决定谁生谁死
Women have to decide who lives and dies.
因为她们是人类中的雌性
That’s because they’re the female of the species.
在生殖领域 这是雌性的分工
In the reproductive arena, that’s what the female does.
她们是挑选者 她们得决定生死
They are the selectors. They have to decide this.
当我们上她们的时候就给了她们这种职责
We give them this responsibility when we fuck them.
我们男的就
We go,
“给你 该怎么处理这玩意儿你看着办”
“Here, you decide what to do with this shit.”
回见哦
See you later.
她得决定你是否该要孩子
She has to figure out if you should have kids,
她是否该要孩子 这就是她该做的
if she should have them. That’s her job.
因为女人有判断力
Because women have judgment.
她们有判断力 男人没有判断力
They have judgment. Men don’t have judgment.
男人只有目的性
Men have intent.
男人只想把精♥液♥撒满全世界 精喷如瀑
Men just want to spray the world with their cum, just mist.
“更多的我”
“More of me.”
“更多的我”
“More of me.”
女人该做的是 “我觉得你已经够多了
It’s her job to go, “That’s enough of you, I think.
真的 已经够了”
No, that’s really enough.”
我不认为你这张脸应该延续下去
I don’t think that face needs to repeat.
我见过你♥爸♥ 你没比他强哪儿去
I’ve seen your father, and it’s not getting better.
有时候等你上了她 她才反应过来
And sometimes she doesn’t realize this until after you fuck her.
她真正明白的时候
That’s actually when she really knows,
就是当你像这样 “耶”
is when you’re like, “Yeah!”
她内心想 “我可不会给这个傻♥逼♥生孩子”
And she’s like, “I’m not having this piece of shit’s baby.”
这就是为什么堕胎是抵抗人♥渣♥的
And that’s why abortion is the last line of defense
最后一道防线
against shitty people in the species.
所以 我们需要女性来堕掉每个残次品
So, we need them to abort every shitty baby.
我是说 所有的动物都这么做 它们生完再做
I mean, all animals do this. Animals do it late.
它们先生下孩子
They have the baby.
然后他们想 “你知道吗
Then they’re like, “You know what?
天太冷了 我要把这个孩儿吃了”
It’s cold. I’m gonna eat this one.”
“但是什么阶段可以堕胎 什么时候可以做”
“But when is it okay? When should they be allowed?”
当婴儿在她阴♥道♥里的时候 那整个阶段
When it’s in their pussy. That whole time.
那玩意儿就在她逼里啊
It’s in her pussy.
如果有个人在你逼里 你就能杀了他
If there’s a dude in your pussy, you get to kill him.
我认为这是最基本的道理
I think that’s pretty fundamental.
有人闯进你家你都有权杀了他
You’re allowed to kill people if they’re in your house.
所以 这就是我的看法
So… that’s what I think.
我有俩孩子
I have two kids.
在孩子面前我尽量表现得好一些 真的
I try to be a better person around my kids. I really do.
我试着改变我的一些习惯
I try to change my behavior around them.
比如 在我家有一些规定 专门用来约束我
Like, I have rules in my house, they all apply to me.
比如 我要求自己不在孩子面前说脏话
Like, I have a rule that I don’t curse around my kids.
这是个规定 虽然时不时还是会说脏话
That’s a rule. It does happen.
有时候你压力很大 正好孩子在身边
You know, sometimes you have a stressful moment, and you’re with your kids,
你就会不小心说错话
so, you say something by mistake.
比如有一次我给孩子做完晚饭
Like one time I was making dinner for my kids,
递给我女儿一碗汤
and I gave my daughter a bowl of soup.
我说”这他妈是你的汤”
And I said, “Here’s your fucking soup.”
但是
But, uh…
你懂的 这种情况 确实压力大
You can see how that was a tough… situation.
你应该教孩子分辨是非对错
You’re supposed to teach your kids right from wrong.
我不知道怎么教才对
I don’t know, it’s confusing.
有些人用宗教教育孩子 告诉他们遵守教规就够了
Some people raise their kids religiously and that kind of covers it.
他们教孩子 就这些 照着做就对了
They kind of go, all this. Do that.
我不用宗教教育孩子 因为我觉得不靠谱
I’m not raising my kids religiously because I don’t feel like it.
礼拜天要早起 去他妈的
Get up on a Sunday? Fuck that.
去他妈的吧
Fuck that.
任由你们的灵魂腐烂吧 孩子 我不在乎 我才懒得
Let your souls rot, kids. I don’t care. I’m not getting…
“爸比 上帝是谁” “不关你的事 接着睡觉”
“Daddy, who’s Jesus?” “None of your business. Go back to bed.”
但我的孩子生活在这个世界
But my kids, they’re living in the world.
这个世界上有很多种宗教
There’s a lot of religion in the world.
所以你得告诉他们
So you do have to teach your kids.
就算你不给他们灌输宗教思想
If you’re not raising them religiously,
你也得让他们知道宗教的存在
you have to teach them about religion.
是吧 我总是跟我孩子这么说
You know, I always tell my kids the same thing.
我告诉她们这世界上有很多宗教
I tell them that there are many religions in the world,
所有宗教都是平等的
and they’re all equal.
但基♥督♥教是最主流的
But the Christians are the main one.
我就是这么给她们说的
That’s what I tell them.
基♥督♥教♥徒♥赢了
The Christians won.
他们是赢家
They’re the winners.
所以 注意言行举止
So, act accordingly.
遇见基♥督♥徒要恭喜他们
Congratulate Christians when you meet them.
因为他们赢得了这个世界
Because they won the world.
这是真的 千真万确
And it’s true. It’s true.
我们都喜欢说 “每个宗教都是完全”
We love to tell ourselves, like, “Every religion is exactly…”
不 不 他们不是
No. No, they’re not.
基♥督♥教赢得了一切
The Christians won everything.
很久之前就赢了
A long time ago.
要是你不相信我
If you don’t believe me,
那我问你个问题 今年是哪一年
let me ask you a question. What year is it?
我是说 回答我啊
I mean, come on.
我们人类现在到哪一年了
What year is it according to the entire human race?
还有为什么这么算
And why?